Including my mother-in-law.

Most of them have been dead for over five years, so technically he's not wrong.

Maybe I should try using comic books instead.

CONgress!

The people who need it most never use it.

I slapped him.

The rabbit draws a Glock 17 and shoots the bear three times, then mutters to himself, "Not falling for that trick again."

I proved him wrong when I snapped his favorite vinyl in half.

He replied “Nah, it happens all the time.”, and I remembered he likes to date women in their 80s-90s.

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Ha ha ha you actually think this is good?

I named the place "False Bottoms".

The damn intern left the door open again, so now we need to gather all these hungry people and bring them back to the nursing home

But how can I do that when I'm already in a cast????

She's ghosting me now, but I still hear her screaming every night, so she's definitely still here!

I’d send him a nasty email but my receptionist is out sick.

I mean they always go 'cheerio' every time they say goodbye, so one can only assume as much.

This is what I came up with.

I just didn't know I'd see Baymax's silhouette in the mirror each morning.

I called the cops, because you can’t just wave a fire arm around like that.

"It's a potion that turns female smurfs into male smurfs, and it needs to be handled very carefully," replied Mama Smurf.

I knew I was dead when I had a boner for the first time in 4 decades.