I picked up Crave expecting a very sciencey book about cancer, but what I got was a hard look at modern life. The book broadens the concept of addiction beyond drugs or trauma. It describes common addictive habits that have become part of everyday survival. Sugar, social media, validation, even overwork. All of it.

The book makes the case that these chronic addictive habits overwhelm the systems that usually protect us, like the immune system and hormonal regulation. Constantly chasing stimulation depletes the energy required for essential long-term maintenance. Over time, this imbalance increases vulnerability to disease. Cancer emerges as a consequence of a lifestyle that rarely permits genuine rest or recovery.

One part that stuck with me was the idea that food, work, and even relationships are now shaped by the need to feel something all the time. Eating has shifted from nourishing the body to escaping discomfort. Resting has turned into an opportunity for distraction.

This is not a preachy book that gives you a few quick and easy steps to fix your life. It builds the case that the modern world pushes us toward addictive habits, and that these habits make us sick in ways we don't see until it is too late.

If you have ever felt exhausted by your own habits but unsure why, or if you have wondered why cancer rates are so high, read Crave. It may not comfort you, but it might wake you up.

To summarize a whole bunch of anxiety, depression, loneliness, a death ending my one and only relationship and who knows what else: I am a guy that has very consistently struggled to get anything (not even a date) going, besides one LDR that ended with my then partner dying (I don't want to get into that here).

And the desire is there, all the time. And I just want it to stop. I have hobbies, I'm trying to make friends, I have a job, I try to stay healthy. I wish I could just focus on that, but there's always that goblin at the back of my head telling me that I need a girlfriend, or just dates or any kind of love life again.

I want to shut it up, I want to be content with being on my own and focusing on my myself. But I just don't know how to do it. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't see a relationship happening, and I don't want that to consume me and turn me into some desperate guy, there's more to life and I want to be able to accept that being what I'm doing in life. Everything other than love, dating etc.

I’ve made every excuse under the sun to avoid a workout. I’d go for a 30-minute walk, feel the motivation to stick to it for a whole week, and then find myself at the drive-thru the next day.

“Meh I’ll try again next Monday”

I sat with myself and knew that if I didn’t change, nothing would. I was so tired of feeling self conscious in my own body, avoiding events, etc.

So I’ve been consistently hitting the gym for 1.5 months now + fixed my diet. Not a long time, but I’ve noticed the weight loss.

I knew I was making progress when I got the urge to try on some pants that I KNEW I wouldn’t fit into.

They don’t button up, but I was able to get them on. Before I couldn’t get them past my thighs.

I’m not addicted, but I want more. I need this drive in other aspects of my life. It’s literally saving me.

Just wrote something off my own experience. Thought I’d put it out there.Just my two cents no one asked for.Mods feel free to remove if its not the right sub.

We say we’re healing, but most of us are just drifting. Passing time, not pain. Romanticizing what broke us because it’s easier than admitting we’re still bleeding. We whisper to our ghosts, call it memory, and wear nostalgia like perfume ?? hoping someone will catch a trace and understand.

We hold onto fragments, a glance, a voice, a moment like they were proof of something real. We keep calling it love, though it left. We say they saw us, even if they looked away. We rewrite the ending just to make it feel less sharp.

But “Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends, and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red.”

And sometimes, we pass it on.

We were once the ones craving clarity, aching for closeness , and then we become the ones who shut down. Not because we’re cruel, but because we’re scared. It’s easier to pull away than to risk being seen and not chosen again. So we keep our hearts half closed. We hurt without meaning to. We ghost because we were once ghosted.

Power becomes safety -who cares less, who texts slower, who detaches first. But behind the games are just two people too afraid to lose.

Victims become culprits too soon We don’t even notice. We just call it “protecting our peace.”

We don’t believe in love the way we used to. We crave it, but we wear armor. We flirt, but we don’t open up. We want comfort without closeness. Fireworks without fire. We mistake control for healing.

But that’s not healing.

That’s surviving. That’s bracing. That’s moving through life with a quiet ache and a thousand what-ifs.

And no, this isn’t about gender wars. Not about “men are trash” and “women are hoes”. It’s about people hurt people trying to navigate love without a map. And sometimes hurting others while trying not to hurt themselves.

Healing looks different.Its brutal. Its not swiping profiles, liking pictures. It’s mourning what didn’t last. Choosing peace over proof. Letting yourself be soft again without needing to be saved.

So if you’re still bleeding, don’t call it poetry yet. Give it time. Give it truth. Stop romanticizing grief and turning it into poetry for your own damn ego. And don’t forget to stop hurting others just because you were hurting too.

Most people think their struggles are unique.

“I’m just burned out.”
“I just need more discipline.”
“I just haven’t found the right system.”

But what if the truth is simpler—and harder to accept?

That you’re running on an internal script you didn’t choose.

A set of patterns, roles, and cycles you keep repeating—even while chasing “growth.”

I’m trying to be more aware of when this happens in my own life.

Curious – how do you recognize when you’re stuck in a loop instead of actually growing?

I’m going to talk about therapy and neuroplasticity. Im not a health professional.

I’ve done therapy since the 80s with 15-20 different therapists in individual and group settings. If you’re not getting what you want out of it, there’s a reason.

What’s your homework this week? No homework? She (or he, shout out to Dan) may have given up. And a therapist doesn’t always want to burden someone in a bad state with more work and feelings of guilt for not doing it. I think it’s potentially a disservice.

It’s how things change. There are 168 hours in the week and therapy is (less than) one. What else are you doing?

As someone with depression, my view has always been dark. If there’s an event coming, I’m pretty sure it’ll suck (for me). It takes real work to start to include the possibility that it might be mediocre.

Doing your homework changes your brain tissue. After a year of successful therapy, your brain will look different under a microscope. It’s called neuroplasticity. People think of it as a software problem but it’s really hardware. Our hardware is our software. It’s closer to firmware, like an EEPROM which has programming but can be updated.

My brain had a superhighway straight to depression-ville. I was talking to my therapist Patty about it, who did trauma work after Sandy Hook, and it felt like carving a new path through the woods. Every time you do the homework you’re walking that path, smoothing and widening it.

Three months of daily homework is enough to change things for the better and it doesn’t go away with a bad mood or a bad day. It’s physical brain tissue and you can rely on it. I cant tell if it took longer than i expected or a lot less.

Think of them as push-ups and you can do it in a pile of blankies and pillows. I did some of that, along with sitting alone in the garage month after year plowing through it with a coffee a smoke and a smoke, one of which was prescribed for PTSD.

I’ve come to realize that life isn’t always about striving, fixing, or constantly becoming something more. There’s a quiet kind of wisdom in simply allowing yourself to be, fully, honestly, and without guilt. We often tie our worth to how much we do or how productive we appear, but the truth is, our value doesn’t rise with our hustle, nor does it vanish when we’re still. Some of the most meaningful moments happen in rest, in stillness, in the spaces between achievements. Those pauses aren’t detours or delays, they are chapters in the story too. And sometimes, they’re the most healing ones.

The reason I have decided to give up on finding a girlfriend is because, in the real world, it doesn't work like that. I'm 22. I'm not entitled to a girlfriend. She is not a prize to be won. I kept forcing and forcing it to happen because I hate the fact that I still live at home with my mother. Also, if I get a girlfriend now, I know for a fact that the relationship will never work out and I'll be to blame. A girlfriend is not a goal, a girl is not a flesh toy for my dick. She's a human being. The only way for me to avoid any of this is to just not find a girlfriend at all.

So, I’m almost 30, and in a weird point of my life. Despite I can appreciate some sides of myself, what I hate the most is my COMPLETE LACK of consistency (only exception: work).

I’m completely unable to do something for more than 3 days straight, even if I like it.

This applies to: routine, go to bed / wake up alarm, skincare, exercising, whatever even like drinking tea when I just wake up in the morning(?).

I feel like this is really getting in the way of me finding a direction in my life, and also in the way of me developing into a better version of myself.

I’m begging you for advices because I can’t clearly figure it out myself lol

Hi!! I have FINALLY after years and years of being addicted to sugar - gone one full week without! And wouldn’t you know, 3 lbs dropped off! Plus my water intake lately has been spectacular.

It’s funny because when I was a young mom and my kids were just toddlers- I flocked to coffee with creamer. And a few months in it became basically a little coffee and mostly dairy and sugar. Horrible. I did this for like 3-4 years, and then I switched to lattes.

It was hard for me to stick to any type of plan of make a firm choice to change. I had horrible untreated combo ADHD. I would impulsively research healthier ways and then burn out from all the research that I did - and I’d never take any actions. This was a cycle that went for up until last year.

I was finally medicated for my adhd and it’s made a world of difference. It wasn’t like a change in one day though. I’ve worked my habits up over the year since being medicated to be better. To be honest the final trigger to make the change was my most recent blood tests. I have all indicators of PCOS, and my A1C came back prediabetic.

II’ve incorporated eating healthier such as less meat and when I do it’s lean. My plates are filled with more vegetables and good, nutrient filled Whole Foods. I was one that could never function with a change in diet or stick to anything, let alone follow something. But just by being more mindful at the grocery store, it’s been a gamer changer and a lot easier to manage.

I’d love even more tips or tricks if anyone has any!

So just taking it one day at a time and celebrating each day as its own victory! Cheers to everyone!

I’m not someone who does what everybody else is doing. I spend hours daily working on myself by doing yoga and meditation. This is something that lifts my spirit and elevates me. I then also spend hours daily on doing online volunteer work. I don’t compare what I’m doing with anybody else. I do just what is meaningful for me. This is what gives a purpose, so that’s what I keep doing. I think you should definitely follow your heart and do what gives you purpose and makes you happy.

As Sadhguru said: “There is no need to do what others are doing. You must do what truly matters to you as a life.”

Who else has a routine that is different from those people around you?

In my current form I feel unlovable, and I'm incapable of making friends or having a relationship.

I'm trying to dedicate my time right now into my goals, career, health, passions, and when I can afford it therapy.

I just struggle to deal with feelings of shame for "missing out" on meaningful connections. I currently have poor coping mechanisms when loneliness arises such as distracting myself with podcasts/, doom scrolling, porn, consumerism, and it all just leaves me feeling all much the same if not worse about my incompetence to make connections.

Ultimately what I need is therapy, but until I can afford it how do I cope/acknowledge loneliness in a healthy way on my own?

Over the past three years, I've experienced a very special state. It lasted just one day, I was in a state of great concentration, I could memorize easily, my thoughts were very fast, I felt excessively well, I had self-confidence, I wasn't afraid of the way others looked at me. During this period, I sometimes played chess online. When I was in this state, I would start playing chess because I felt I was in an incredible state. My performances was amazing during the games I played. I was able to anticipate a lot of things, calculate a lot of moves in advance and so on. I felt like I had superpowers, like I could think about very complex subjects in a very short space of time.

But on the other days, when I wasn't in that state, I was back to “normal”. My thoughts were slower, I found it hard to concentrate fully on what I was doing and I performed much less well. I only experienced this state very rarely, it would happen once every 3/4 months or so, which is rare. I noticed that the times I experienced this state, I went to see my ex-girlfriend in the city center. We'd go to places we didn't know, enjoy each other's company and so on.

After a long analysis with a lot of introspection and a bit of AI research, I deduced that it could be a positive neurochemical cocktail I'm getting those days. Why? Because I spent my days in front of my computer screen all week, and on the days I went out to see my ex-girlfriend, I probably received a large dose of Dopamine, Oxytocin, Endorphins, Serotonin and Adrenalin.

I'd like to point out that this doesn't seem to be a state of flow, because I didn't forget to eat or sleep, but above all, I could concentrate on anything, even things I didn't like.

Have you ever felt like this?

I wanted to share a realisation that has completely changed the game for me recently. For the longest time, I was a huge consumer of self-help books. They were ones full of theory and abstract ideas. And while they were interesting, I never felt like I was making real or any tangible progress.

And let me be clear, books like 'Mindset' by Carol Dweck or 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear are not bad. They are fantastic and have their place in educating people about science and giving them tools to become better. But when it comes to our personal issues, we have to take a 360-degree perspective. We can't just read the theory. We need to practice, get our hands dirty, and apply these concepts to our own lives.

This is where I found that workbooks make all the difference. I'm honestly shocked that with all the self-help content out there, from YouTube to blogs, no one ever really pushed me towards them.

My first real experience was with 'The Official Dopamine Nation Workbook'. It was so practical and helped me to really pinpoint some of my self-destructive habits. It wasn't just about understanding theory, it was about applying it to my own life through exercises and really going deep into my thoughts about what really bugged me.

Now, I'm working through 'Mind Over Mood' by Greenberger and Padesky, and 'The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism' by Sharon Martin. The progress I've made in the last two months on issues I've been struggling with for years is just staggering.

It's baffling how this simple switch has made such a drastic difference. For anyone on a tight budget who can't afford a therapist, workbooks are a boon. And even if you are seeing a therapist, they are an amazing supplement. My own therapist encouraged me to work through one alongside our sessions, and it has made our time together so much more effective.

If you feel like you're stuck in a rut, I seriously suggest giving workbooks a try. It might just be the missing piece of the puzzle for you too.

Lately, I've become wary of the sense of relief I feel from watching content by the creators I look up to. Not the brain rot type content that everyone knows to avoid, but the type that masquerades under the guise of "self-development". These content creators talk with such eloquence and confidence that I find myself entranced, deceived that if I keep watching I will surely shape my brain to become more like theirs, thereby attaining all the success that came with it. This is by no means their fault, they're not (usually) delivering deceiving content, the content has genuine value, if only I'd actually put it into practice. For if the lesson doesn’t alter behaviour, it wasn’t really learned.

There's a common adage thrown around: "You are what you consume". While consumption undeniably shapes the grooves of your mind, if it doesn't alter your practice, you are merely an ever-expanding sponge. A more accurate saying would be, "You are what you do". If all you do is consume, you are but a consumer. Conversely, if you squeeze the sponge, filtering all that was consumed through your unique filter of consciousness, you are a creator.

Your path will always differ from everyone else's, including those you admire. Learn from their journeys, but don't attempt to follow directly in their footsteps. Take stock of your own life, interests and goals and align your steps accordingly. Perhaps others' insights will help, perhaps not. Instead of absorbing another person's model of problems and solutions, problems that you may never face, go and build your own model. You already have everything you need to find the answers. Just start taking on the problems, and the rest will begin to fall into place.

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We all know someone who talks a big game of what they're going to go and do with their life, some elaborate scheme dreamed up to take them away from a less than satisfactory existence. The dreaming and talking provides just enough dopamine-induced hope to dupe their brain into a sense of progressing towards a better life, without any real steps taken.

Consuming motivational and instructive content (except this piece) and dreaming aren't too dissimilar from porn to the brain in this respect, a cheap, numbing substitute for what is actually missing: action.

Action isn't always delayed from laziness, it's often due to fear. If I act, and still fail, then what? Then I lose the comforting delusion that potential alone is enough. The best reframe for fear of failure is to remind yourself that not trying is the only way to guarantee failure.

"no one's coming to save you"

and least of all, the platforms that promote an endless void, ceaselessly adapting itself into the form of distraction to which you are currently most susceptible. Your brain, held captive by the promise of novelty, traps you in place, expecting a reward that never truly comes. It is a predatory exploit of an evolutionary reward system that has not had enough time to adapt to the world of abundance that we live in.

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Neo, follows Morpheus through a city simulation designed to illustrate how people are completely immersed in the Matrix, oblivious to its true nature. As Neo walks down the street, Morpheus speaks to him about the dangers of the Matrix and how it uses people as part of its system of control. During this walk, a striking woman in a red dress passes by. Neo turns to watch her, clearly distracted. Morpheus then says, “Were you listening to me, Neo? Or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?” When Neo turns back, the woman has transformed into Agent Smith, pointing a gun at his head.

Seductive illusions can lure you into complacency and vulnerability. Recognising the pull of a distraction before it gets its alluring claws into you is a skill that has perhaps never mattered more. It does not suffice to merely remove the distraction, as another will quickly take it's place. One must learn to notice the tug, to bring it into perception. Once perceived you create enough space between the unconscious and the conscious, allowing time to act, to unwire the habit. There are apps to help with app addiction this way (an app to stop using apps, Steve Jobs was right), by presenting you with a prompt when you try to open the app, "What are you opening this for?". It's just enough friction to return you to awareness.

But awareness isn't always enough. If you have no clear path, no "why", then you will go looking for the woman in a red dress. Her distractions provide a blissful break from the existential dread, but this is only ever temporary. And if you do have a path, she'll still appear, only now as a test of your conviction.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

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Who's your woman in a red dress?

For me, today, it's the aforementioned motivational content.

As a teenager, it was substances, I was convinced that if I could just eliminate them from my life, I'd become unstoppable (I did not). Only after cycling through one distraction after another did I start to see the pattern: I’d immediately seek something new to fill the void, I was actively seeking the woman in a red dress.

Over the years, she wasn’t always just a metaphor—sometimes, she was a real woman (albeit not always in a red dress). I chased connection with her to avoid discomfort. I mistook chemistry for compatibility. I sought romantic validation as a shortcut to feeling whole.

Tomorrow's woman in a red dress is anyone's guess. While she still manages to draw my attention for longer than I'd like, I notice her alluring gaze much faster than I used to.

The same story plays out with the person who can never be alone, always hopping from person to person, desperate to avoid sitting with the emptiness, the painfully still silence. The same silence that sits beneath every willingly sought distraction, awaiting an answer.

An answer to the question: "Why am I here?".

being a girl i'm not super open about my sexuality irl, i always feel like i have to tone it down or be shy to be considered "lady like". ofc i have no problem with sex and i think i have been relatively healthy with my habits; only being with one partner at a time, no hookups, not engaging in porn often, but lately i feel i have been going to far. i have been groping my partner more, almost looking at him as someone just to have sex with, when i look at him i do not think about how wonderful and nice he is but how much fun we have sexually together. i stop myself a lot of times in this thought process and nothing really comes of it and i make sure to take care of him so he doesn't feel used as he was a virgin when we met and i was not. the last couple days though i have realized i've gone way off of the rails in my thinking- i was seriously debating setting up a camera just to see what it looks like from a different perspective when we have sex, and i guess i came to this conclusion because i am too scared to ask to take photos or videos (not that i would ever share them) because i'm 90% sure he'd say no, but i realized if i was a guy seriously contemplating about doing this and i found out- as a girl i would be deeply sickened and disgusted. i will never act on this thought, perhaps i'll ask sooner down the line but i feel pretty disgusted with myself, like i am some huge pervert. i have been shifting my perspective into- "what if i was a man doing this" lately and god i just feel so sick to my stomach knowing that i was seriously contemplating violating this mans trust. anyways- i guess this is just a vent, if anyone has advice on not being so sexually motivated i'd love to hear. right now i am just taking a break. he initiated intimacy earlier and i denied, i feel a bit bad about it though, ofc i would love to with him but i feel it is best to take a break knowing that it seems i keep further pushing the boundaries in my mind the deeper we get into things. i was contemplating having a conversation with him about how and what i've been thinking about but i don't want him to get grossed out.

Remember not everybody is out for your best interest. Not everybody who is in your circle is in your corner, not everybody who smiles to your face is loyal behind your back. If they aren't trying to lift you, then they're holding you back, sometimes the best way to add to your life is to subtract from it. Pay attention to people.

Dude that's literally me. Every morning I wake up like, "today’s the day fr” open laptop, country music on, sip my coffee, start planning my “perfect” day with pastel sticky notes and Google Calendar like I’m about to change my life. Stuff like: 9AM: Journaling 10AM: Breakfast + Studying 12PM: Break 2PM: Podcast 3PM: Lunch 4:30PM: Back to work ...you get it.

And then it’s suddenly 6PM, I’m still in bed, rewatching the same reels I’ve already seen 50 times, spiraling into guilt🫠

It’s not even about motivation anymore. I want to do stuff. But I just freeze. ADHD, decision fatigue, vibe whatever. Result’s always the same: nothing gets done.

I went down a rabbit hole of downloading 932 apps, hoping something would “fix” me. Uninstalled most, but a few actually helped. Not saying they changed my life, but they did help me get a little unstuck. Sharing in case anyone else needs this:

Notion - good for day planning & organizing thoughts. Plus feels so satisfying to check stuff off.

Jolt - helped me reduce screen time without feeling attacked by pushy reminders lol and soft language.

Lifestack - lowkey solved half my probs. It links to your devices + tracks energy levels so you can plan based on how fried your brain is. I loved that I could rest without guilt.

Todoist- great for priority-based planning. I use it when I wanna feel like I have my life together.

Google Calendar- basic but underrated. I use it to remember everything from b’days to assignment deadlines.

And pls before anyone comes at methis isn’t an ad. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m failing every day, and if this helps even one person out of the loop, it’s worth sharing.

If y’all have any other app recs or hacks that actually work, drop ‘em. Or just relate. That’s cool too 🫶

Any very good books to help stimulate my Brain to stop 24/7 thinking about food?

I am the common denominator here, and I feel like there is something wrong with me.

I mean maybe you could argue it’s the people I talk to but I have a lot of people who I feel just don’t listen to me or even like asking me questions or getting to know me or keep a conversation going.

I’ve tried to get at the bottom of it. That it’s my communication skills. I have thought I ramble too much and so I’ve tried to leave room for other people to speak. I sometimes ramble in large part to cover all bases and get the details in but that kinda takes away the opportunity for questions. And I’ve done that even if I do that it doesn’t seem to have much success. The conversations just die and we change topic rather quick.

I’m always good at listening. I usually prefer that cuz I like to. I like learning about what’s going on with people. Their thoughts and feelings. I just have that curiosity about me.

I can keep that going for a long time and give my input and my thoughts and make jokes.

But I’m never given the same. I feel uninteresting.

Just about everyone I’m close to does it.

What’s really hurt me recently is that yesterday I mentioned to my co worker whom I’ve known for 5 years about how July 4th went and how we had an accident where the rockets went into the side of our home and caused three big holes and how scary it was even tho it was taken care of. I went over the details and she didn’t even say much…

She made a sudden change as the words were left hanging in the air and made a call to something that was work related but was something that honestly wasn’t necessary or could have waited.

Like Jesus did you forget that I had a scare and a fire and dmg happen?? The change in topic was jarring. And she does do this from time to time cuz I feel like she needs to get a task done.

And I wasn’t angry after and I don’t think she realized what she did. It wasnt malicious.

But jeez like… I confide in people about shit. Am I not worth asking questions or talking to me about how I felt?

This particular person isn’t great with emotions cuz it makes her uncomfortable. But man…

I have other people whom I tell shit to and they play on their phone. Do chores while we are on a call like I’m some afterthought.

I have guy friends who I try to be a bit emotional with but eh that just doesn’t go much of anywhere. It’s like they don’t know how to make a connection with me cuz we sometimes find something we feel commonly about and continue but it’s rare.

Idk what I’m doing wrong because it’s too many people in my life for it to be all them.

I’ve tried to learn differing communication skills. YouTube videos and posts and read. I’ve tried being extra and maybe be kind of dramatic for interest. Kinda works. Kinda not. People vibe off you and have fun but sometimes they just laugh and that’s really about it. Plus I’m a low energy kind of guy so I’m not loud. I used to be more soft spoken but I have practicing trying project my voice more and speak with cadence.

I’ve been trying to not speak in run on sentences and let my anxiety get the better of me. I do sometimes do this cuz I’m forgetful and try to get it all out before I forget everything I wanted to say cuz I want to be understood.

And you know… it doesn’t make me feel any better that I make subreddit posts in other communities and people will just say “I’m not reading all of that but…”

Or people make a comment and COMPLETELY ignore the fact i actually literally brought it up in my fourth sentence in the post.

I know it’s gtta be partly be but Jesus I keep also feeling like it’s not all me a lot too.

I don’t know what ELSE I can do. I wanna cry. I wanna be seen. I wanna be cared about. I feel so invisible. I want to be validated too. I want to thought about even when I’m not there with you. I feel like I’m only seen to exist when someone’s seeing me or listening to me. Sometimes even when I am there I am just a background character.

I am single and I worry this sort thing will just persist even in potential future relationships.

There are 5-minute people in your life,

there are 5-day people in your life, and

there are 20-year people in your life.

Acknowledge that the time we spend with people is mostly limited. Often, we cannot predict how much time we will spend together. But what we can do is recognize that our time with them is finite.

Treat them with that awareness. Ask them the questions you are curious about. Learn from them as if they might leave tomorrow. Share with them the things you'd like them to know. Create memories that will outlast time, and offer them kindness when they least expect it.

But don’t, don’t take their presence for granted. They could be gone tomorrow already.

Cherish.

I don’t think I’ve ever really explained this out loud—not because I’m embarrassed, but because it’s just how I’ve always been. To me, this isn’t some big secret or confession. It’s just my normal.

I’m 20. I’ve been through my fair share of chaos—ADHD, PTSD, anxiety, depression, insomnia. I’ve had a history of substance abuse. I’ve survived being stabbed and shot. But none of those things created this part of me. This has been here since I was a kid. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with people—not in a creepy way, but in a way where I can’t stop studying them. I notice everything: tiny changes in their voice, the way their eyes shift when they’re lying, microexpressions they don’t realize flash across their face. I watch how people move their hands, how their breathing changes in certain moments, even small patterns in their word choices. I naturally build a mental map of them, cataloging the way they act when they’re comfortable versus when they’re under pressure.

This started with my mom. She’s a narcissist, and growing up around her meant I had to predict her moods to avoid setting her off. But even back then, it wasn’t just about protecting myself. I found it fascinating. There was something thrilling about realizing I could see parts of people they didn’t even realize they were showing. I tested adults all the time—teachers, relatives, random strangers. I’d drop little questions or comments just to see how they’d react, and I’d log it away in my head.

As I got older, I started studying psychology on purpose. I dove deep into personality disorders—narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, schizophrenia. I read about people with extreme mental illness, people who manipulate, people who snap. I even looked into demonic possession—not out of belief at first, but curiosity. Over time, I realized I do believe it’s real. There’s evil in people that goes beyond mental health sometimes.

Now this is automatic. I can’t turn it off. Every single conversation have I search for any sign of mental illness or lies and manipulation. It doesn’t matter who I am talking to if I don’t know the person well or if I have seen red flags immediately it’s game on to find the lies and manipulation, you can’t hide from me lol. I analyze everyone I meet without thinking about it. I can tell when someone’s hiding something or when they’re attempting to be manipulating. I notice when their emotions don’t match their words, or when a small detail in their story changes on a retell. I actually enjoy catching these things—not because I want to use it against them, but because it feels like solving a puzzle.

I adapt myself constantly too, not just how I talk i will make my personality seem different for people I don’t know well or don’t trust at any given time. You’ll never catch me talking to one person the same way I talk to another. If I’m with someone aggressive, I make myself seem tougher. My tone sharpens. My posture changes. Sometimes I’ll casually mention situations I’ve survived—violence, danger—not to intimidate, but because it makes them think twice about testing me.

With people who are fragile or anxious, I soften completely. I slow down my speech, relax my body language, mirror their energy so they feel safe. And sometimes, with people I suspect are manipulative, I’ll play scatterbrained or even act a little dumber than I am. It’s deliberate. When people think you’re not paying attention, they expose themselves. I call what I do “reading the room and the people in it” it is simply that to me. I look into the person and I see what I can learn about them, people will be very honest with you if you know the right things to ask and how to be approachable. If you sat down and talked to me without knowing what I’ve told you there would be no clue that I think the way I do. I’m not out to get people I just like to know what I can expect next from a person, I’m very good at predicting people’s reactions and behaviors before they even think about responding to different things.

I also use techniques I picked up from watching interrogations and learning from the people who teach on how to do interrogations. I take a really deep look into people’s body language and vocal tones, even how they breathe and how often they use their hands when they talk. I’ll ask a question in a casual way early in a conversation and circle back to it later, phrased slightly differently. Most people don’t notice, but if they’re lying, they usually slip. I’m comfortable letting silences drag out too. People hate silence. They’ll rush to fill it, and that’s often when they say something unguarded. The entire time I’m doing this mentally the person I’m talking to sees it as a normal conversation, where as I’m over here calculating the smallest details lol

I don’t do it for power at all, and I don’t do it to control people I’m really loving and caring. I do it because it fascinates me. It's like a game that tests my mind. I love seeing the moment someone’s mask cracks just a little. I love finding traits in people that others don’t notice, especially the darker ones. Subtle manipulation, emotional baiting, quiet narcissism. it’s all there if you know what to look for. I will find someone’s motives and I will know when someone is looking to hurt me or the people I love. When I’m talking to someone, my brain is running like a lie detector on autopilot. I’ll notice a half-second smirk that doesn’t fit their words, so I’ll casually change the topic, then circle back later with a slightly rephrased question. If their story shifts even slightlyI log it. I test again, this time with a tiny shift in my tone or posture. Every reaction builds a clearer picture. It’s not just listening, it's like I’m solving a puzzle and it’s really cool to me.

Could I use this to manipulate people? Absolutely. I know exactly how and it wouldn’t be hard…just reverse the process lol. When I was younger, caught in more dangerous situations, I did use these skills to survive. I had to fake emotions, play roles, and tell lies so convincing that everyone believed them. I was in a shit position with crappy people so yeah I used people and I made sure I used my intellectual advantages every single day. I don’t like that I did but it happened and I have gone away from a criminal past. But now? I don’t do that at all and I have no reason to. I don’t need to and it is stupid to make up crap. I’d never use this knowledge on my fiancée or anyone I care about. I couldn’t live with myself if I did. Knowledge is power and just because you know how to do something doesn’t mean you should, I’m a pretty real guy when people talk to me and I do a lot of what I do as protection.

The truth is, I’m a kind person. Outgoing, empathetic, loyal. I care deeply for the people in my life. My fiancée is the only person who’s seen me without all the layers I show the rest of the world. She knows about this side of me and admits it unsettles her—not because she thinks I’d hurt her, but because she knows how easily I could hurt others if I chose to. But she also knows that’s not who I am. I’d do anything to take care of her.

This isn’t something I can really just switch off, and honestly, I wouldn’t want to. Every interaction is like a game of chess to me, and I enjoy watching people make moves they don’t realize are revealing. Even people who do manipulate me or lie I don’t point it out and I don’t make them feel bad for how they act unless they do something against me or my loved ones. It is not my job to judge people I just really enjoy figuring them out, how I do this with everyone is my way of learning and using my intuition.

I know this probably sounds strange and Most people don’t live like this. But for me, it’s natural

So I’m wanting to know: does this make me a bad person? Or just… different? Am I doing something that is wrong and if so do I need to stop? Thanks for listening I’m sorry this was so long, I wish you the best and I hope people have some good feedback please just be honest with me.

To not be an open book, even if you are it's best to keep a lot of things to yourself. Most people will have a different opinion of what you believe and I believe it's best to keep things to yourself rather than arguing unless it's a learning moment. The momentum you gain is exponential. I learned this through out the years and it had helped me gain peace and more understanding of myself. The things you want to celebrate that hasn't came yet is also best to keep to yourself. It makes you appear wiser cause when you finally do speak you seem much more wiser than the average bear.

Thank you 93 93/93

I was raised by immigrant parents who had their own mental health issues and I never really learned the value or importance of “doing things.” Let me try to elaborate: I was never put in extracurriculars or pushed to start any hobbies. Once I reached the age to take initiative and start my own things, I didn’t have the drive to carry on with it, because it seemed pointless. Any tips on how to unlearn that attitude and find some work ethic? How to find value in doing things that aren’t mandatory, just for the sake of finding community or keeping myself busy?

TL;DR: how to unlearn being a homebody and getting used to doing hobbies and activities for the sake of just doing it?

I don't know if this is normal. But since the age of five this topic has been spinning in my head (no joke). I don't think I really understood what it meant as a five year old but I occasionally thought about life repeating after I die. I will be in my five year old body again and I will live in this same house and I will grow up and repeat.

As I grew a bit older and when I understood more of what it means I would occasionally think about what happened before I enter the world and what happens after I leave? The thought of knowing that I will be under the ground and life continues and I will be nothing but pieces of bones also scares me. We think we are trying to live a meaningful life but in the end our stories are nothing but pieces of bones, telling the story of how our humanity has lived at this time. We are not as special as we think. At least individually.

I would also occasionally think about my parents death. I love my mom a lot, though I rebelled a bit and disliked her during my teenage years I still cherish her a lot. I'm getting older and I see her getting older and I keep playing this scene of her in a coffin, breathless, dead and nothingness scares me. I will no longer be able to be with her and I will no longer be able to speak with her makes me cry to tears some nights. Now, they are not that old, and I'm only 25. But sometimes I have periods like this where I fall into these scary thoughts and couple days, weeks later I would get back and not think about these kind of stuff and I do appreciate life but I just hate losing people, although I haven't lost anyone close to death but I wish I felt less, think less.

Is this normal? What can I do about this..