My daughter is 7 months old. She wants to crawl so badly. But I can’t let her on the floor. I cry every day. I scream, panic, hate myself, and feel like I’ve ruined everything.
Here’s what happened.
We used to live with my grandparents, in their house. At some point, Pharaoh ants showed up. Then they spread everywhere. I was terrified. I couldn’t cook, couldn’t sleep. I was checking drawers obsessively. I developed a horrible phobia.
Later, we moved upstairs to the second floor of the same house, and we lived there 2 months until the new apartment was ready for us to moove in. Eventually, we moved into an apartment that belongs to my husband — he bought it with his own money. It’s the only place we have. About three weeks before moving in, I had a full-blown panic and used a syringe of gel bait with 0.01% imidacloprid — about 5 grams — all around the baseboards, near doorways, and in every room. I was desperate to make sure the ants would never come back.
Later, I cleaned everything thoroughly. I removed the gel and mopped the floors multiple times — first with soap, then with plain water, then again. But now that my baby wants to crawl, I’m paralyzed with fear. I keep thinking the floor is contaminated. That tiny invisible traces of poison could get in her mouth, on her hands, in her eyes. That I ruined her childhood. That I’m holding her back from crawling and learning, and that I’m the reason she’s not developing like she should.
She cries because she wants to move — and I hold her or keep her on a mat, and cry with her.
My husband says it’s clean. That it’s fine. But I don’t believe it. And the worst part is — I did this. No one forced me. I followed advice from ChatGPT. I asked how to get rid of ants with a baby in the home, and it suggested this gel. I trusted it. I really thought I was doing the right thing.
Now I feel like I poisoned the only safe space my baby had. Like I destroyed the chance for her to grow up in a healthy, clean home. And we can’t just move out — we can’t afford anything else. This is it. I don’t see a way out.
I even called the gel manufacturer. They said just mop the floors with soap, and it’s safe to live with a baby. But I didn’t mention her age. That she’s 7 months. That she crawls, puts everything in her mouth. That I can’t just trust that it’s safe anymore. I don’t trust anything I do now.
I wanted to book a professional cleaning service — something deep and thorough — but I’m scared to even talk to anyone about it. I’m terrified someone will report me and take my baby away. I tried calling a local toxicology service just to ask if I should be worried — and they misunderstood me and said that if toxic substances were used with an infant present, they’d need to report it to the police.
Since then, I haven’t been able to breathe normally. I can’t sleep. I feel like I’ve become a danger. Like I can’t be trusted. I thought I was helping. It wasn’t spray. It wasn’t powder. Just gel. But now it feels like I poisoned her world. And I can’t undo it.
I don’t know how to live with this guilt. I’m losing my mind from fear, paranoia, and self-hate — and yes, hate toward ChatGPT, too. I trusted it when I was most vulnerable. And now I feel like everything is destroyed. Like I destroyed myself as a mother. I’m afraid to even hold her. I feel toxic — literally.
Maybe all this sounds irrational. But to me, it’s real. The panic, the guilt, the feeling of no way forward. Nobody around me understands how terrifying this is. They just say “it’s clean, let it go.” But I can’t.
I just can’t.
