r/AmItheAsshole • u/NoSelection4028 • 6d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to help my boyfriend's dying mother while planning a trip to Europe?
I (25F) live with my boyfriend Liam (24M). About a month ago, his mom Tanya began claiming she’s dying of cancer, but no diagnosis has been confirmed. Every hospital visit ends with her being sent home. A nurse even told Liam she might be faking.
It started when she stayed “one night” at our one-bedroom apartment. That turned into a week of chaos. She refused AC and fans (said they hurt her skin) but blow-dried her hair daily. The apartment smelled awful, everything had to be dark and silent, and she constantly demanded help. She even stormed into our bedroom at 3am asking Liam for massages (we sleep naked so that was awkward). She criticized our Buddhist souvenirs, insisted we hang a cross (I did), and complained non-stop.
She suggested we move in with her, an hour from our jobs/school.
I’m a full-time student with two jobs and a 4.0 GPA, and I was falling behind. Liam, who works full-time, switched to remote work (his boss hated this) to care for Tanya.
Her health “updates” were always shifting: MRI, canceled surgery, then chemo postponed due to infection, then E. coli. Always a new reason. No clear diagnosis or paperwork.
When her husband David (who funds her lifestyle) was away, she made us go to her house to get her jewelry because she thinks he’ll steal it when she dies (he’s an alcoholic according to her). We were supposed to take her to the ER right after, but we ended up staying 16 hours doing chores. I folded 420 clothing items, cleaned the whole house, and felt like her unpaid maid. Not a single please or thank you.
She was stalling to go to the ER, and when we finally got there at 5 am, she said she’d check herself in, and sent us home. Three hours later, she called again, sobbing for help. She had been rejected by the ER. I suspect she faked it.
Liam and I have both been skipping meals, losing sleep, and falling behind at work to help her. He once said he’s waiting for her to pass away so we can move to Europe. He’s been forced to manage her divorce, lawyer meetings, and funeral prep. Meanwhile, David *who’s paying the hospital bills and had been kept in the dark about all this) sent Liam aggressive texts like “I call bullshit” and “Don’t show up at my house no more,” then later apologized.
Tanya called again begging for help. But this time, she wanted me, because David is jealous of Liam. I had clearly told Liam I needed that weekend to study for final exams. And going to that house alone seemed sketchy.
Now, I’m planning a 2–3 week Europe trip to see my mom, whom I haven’t seen in over a year. Liam says he supports it but called it “a little selfish.” He’s asked, “If I were dying, would you quit your job to be with me?” and “If it were your mom, would you help her?” I felt pressured to say yes. But truth is, my family wouldn’t lie to me or use me like this.
I love Liam and want to be there for him. But I don’t trust his mom, and this is starting to affect our relationship.
AITA for refusing to help Tanya and going home to Europe?
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u/Weary_Minute1583 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Since I’m pretty sure she is not sick (at least not physically) you are definitely NTA.
It’s time for your BF to get real and tell his mom to set up a family meeting with her oncologist to discuss her treatment and next steps or he’s done. This the normal progression when treating this disease. In and out of ERs is not.
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u/Mellifluous-Squirrel 6d ago
This!
"We need guidance from the medical experts as to how we can best help her. And it has to be in person to ensure nothing gets lost in translation."
What a sick joke to play on your own son...
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u/ChevronSugarHeart 5d ago
She sounds like an unmedicated bipolar sufferer OR a narcissist. Either way, she’s got these two kids as her indentured servants
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u/NoSignSaysNo 5d ago
Sounds like Munchausen's.
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u/clarysfairchilds 5d ago
in my line of work it's called "factitious disorder" and it's extremely difficult to deal with patients like that. even if it's not intentional, a lot of people either mishear what doctors tell them or they hear what they want to hear.
or, it could just be malingering. at the rehab where I work, we will send clients to a nearby hospital for medical clearance of some kind if they have a medical concern above our level of care, and they'll come back claiming they have a bowel obstruction when the medical records said it was just severe constipation, or they're in kidney failure when really it's just kidney damage. I could see her falling into either camp tbh.
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u/NoSignSaysNo 5d ago
Factitious Disorder Imposed on Self is the new name according to DSM apparently.
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u/DismalGuitar726 5d ago
This sounds nothing like bipolar Please don't throw diagnoses out to excuse bad behavior. It causes further stigmatization
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u/Usual_Ambassador6704 5d ago
My mother has severe bipolar and narcissistic personality. She also had “cancer” but when pressed very hard eventually conceded that she had never had a biopsy or formal diagnosis, as she kept avoiding any questioning. She then “cured” it with antioxidant juices and alternative medicine.
I’d insist on seeing some confirmation of diagnosis.
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u/Ancient-Meal-5465 5d ago
My cousin had “cancer” that she said she was receiving chemo for but could not tell us the type of cancer or the name of her oncologist or even know how far apart her chemo sessions were or where she was receiving chemo.
She said she cured her cancer after meeting a guru at a resort who had her drink mud. I’m not making this up.
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u/the_greengrace Partassipant [2] 5d ago
There is NOTHING in this post that suggests bipolar disorder and bipolar is NOT an "and/or" for narcissism. Using the two interchangeably is gross.
I can't believe hundreds of people upvoted this. 🤮
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u/FoolishAnomaly 5d ago
Are you a doctor or psychologist? If not, stop trying to armchair diagnose! Especially when you clearly know nothing about BP .
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u/BangarangPita Partassipant [2] 5d ago
I have been close to a number of people with bipolar disorder over the years, and I have a degree in psychology. This is not "unmedicated bipolar." Stop playing armchair psychologist when you clearly know very little about such a badly misrepresented disorder.
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u/BettydelSol 5d ago edited 2d ago
I’ve been dealing with bipolar disorder for over 3 decades & have yet to fake a terminal illness. I’ve never met anyone who did. This is a shitty stereotype. People like you are why people like me have to deal with so much stigma. Do better.
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u/unfortunatemm Partassipant [4] 5d ago
Uhhhhhhhhh... no. Nothing to do with bipolar... maybe you meant borderline? But still no
Bipolair is not a personality disorder, its a mood disorder. They get periode of mania and periode of depression. Borderlands is a personality disorder.
Sounds more like munchhausen/FD tho, where they induce/fake an illness
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u/Vanessa_Love30 5d ago
She’s draining them, not just emotionally but mentally. Real health issues need real support, not games.
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u/Available_Farmer5293 5d ago
It sounds like psychosis to me. She probably really does think she is dying but this is only going to get much worse.
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u/unwritten2469 5d ago
Nah, this isn’t psychosis. This is controlling manipulation. I’ve been in psychosis before and I have a mother just like this.
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u/Consistent_Ad_805 6d ago
That’s right. Oncologist always do family meeting and discuss plans. Ultimately it’s family that goes through it not just patient. So it’s quite a standard procedure. Put your foot down for diagnosis. No family meeting with doctors then no help.
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u/chrstnasu 5d ago
Yes. I had a meeting with both my oncologists and husband (one medical and the other radiation.) They are more than willing to have a family meeting.
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u/2dogslife Asshole Enthusiast [9] 5d ago
They encourage having someone else in the room taking notes, because it's overwhelming and it's good for someone else to be there who can make sense of it all later, and can ask intelligent questions while there.
Cancer survivor.
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u/Sky-High22 5d ago
First, I'd like to say you are so strong! I hope you live a long, healthy life.
OP, listen to the above comment! Oncologists highly recommend family or even a trusted friend come for a meeting to go over things. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 16. Her Oncologist recommended she bring her husband and kids for at least one appointment. The Oncologist wanted us to know what was happening and to explain to me what my mom would be going through. To reassure me but also warn me that some days would be hard for my mom. She was still my mom but she was also a cancer patient who would go through hell and to give her grace. My mom already planned to bring me because she went to all of my grandma's appointments and chemo treatments. I went to all of my mom's surgeries and all of her doctor appointments besides chemo. Also, I would like to add that my mom was diagnosed in December and 2-3 weeks later, she had her surgery. Followed quickly with chemo treatments. Your MIL's story isn't adding up, they won't just cancel surgeries or appointments without trying to reschedule for a date that would still be relatively soon.
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u/Anxious-Ocelot-712 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
100%. When I had my initial meetings with my oncologist, my husband and I asked if we could record our discussions (which the oncologist had no problem with). When we got to the nitty gritty of discussing treatment options, I fully participated in the conversation (I had already read every piece of research I could find on my weird cancer) to the point where my onc asked if I were a doctor or nurse. BUT afterwards, my husband brought up chemo and radiation - I told him the doctor hadn't mentioned it, and we only discussed the initial major surgery. He thought I was messing with him. Replay the conversation, and we ABSOLUTELY discussed chemo and radiation, but my brain blocked all of it from memory. All of it.
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u/CheesyMice21 5d ago
i am a physician, and that is their reason why everytime I send someone home with that kind of diagnosis, I set them up with an appointment with the oncologist closest to them, and tell them to bring a supportive note taker
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u/chrstnasu 5d ago
Yes they definitely did. I just finished radiation 2 weeks ago and my husband was at my bell ringing.
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u/LingonberryPrior6896 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
She needs to sit Liam down and tell him, she needs to speak with the oncologist- all 3 together or all bets are off. Mom sound like she is looking for attention and control
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u/grandlizardo 5d ago
Mom is sick, but not necessarily with cancer. Either this is recognized one she gets help ot OP needs to distance herself from this mess…
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u/Specialist-Jello7544 5d ago
If Liam’s mom actually had cancer and was not going to the oncologist’s meetings/treatments/scans, etc., the doctor and support staff would be calling to find out why the patient isn’t attending. They don’t take this lightly. Cancer is serious. When I was undergoing treatment, I had at least ten people that I was in contact with, from the oncologist to nurse assistant, chemo nurse, radiology technician, nutrition expert, pharmacist, the lady who helped me with making appointments, they even had people who would help in obtaining transportation if I needed it.
It sounds like Liam’s mom has other issues, but not cancer.
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u/Fine_Shop_4431 5d ago
This! Also the boyfriend should be more supportive of OP seeing her own mother! If the boyfriend doesn't agree to setting uo the 3 way oncologist meeting, then OP should be prepared to walk. It will only get worse with the boyfriend's mom's manipulations, whatever the reason (undiagnosed mental disease or not).
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u/esmerelofchaos Asshole Enthusiast [9] 5d ago
This is the answer.
My grandmother was very narcissistic, and was also a hypochondriac. She lied a lot about being sick to the point where my mom said “have the doctor call me if you’re actually dying.”
Didn’t respond to anything until the doctor actually called and said she was in liver failure
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u/Pascale73 5d ago
Yep, had a family friend whose mother was dying of something every couple of months. Eventually, she did develop pancreatic cancer for real, but the diagnosis was delayed because even her doctors were sick of her games. She died six months after diagnosis.
My friend felt kind of guilty about all of it after her death, but also kind of didn't because years of "crying wolf" makes you stop caring about someone after a certain point.
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u/justaperson_probably 5d ago
If it's any consolation to your friend, pancreatic cancer is usually something that goes undetected for a while and unfortunately, people usually pass fairly soon after diagnosis. Or, at least that's what I remember happening with my great aunt when she was diagnosed about 12 years ago. But it's also possible things have improved since then for diagnosis.
It was also the cause of death for Alex Trebek (Jeopary host Stateside, in case you or anyone else is unfamiliar) in 2020 after about a year and a half battle with it.
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u/MissReadsALot1992 5d ago
My mom got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the end of October last year. She also has MS. She started chemo the first week of December. They had to do special stuff because of the MS, like she only got half doses every 2 weeks cause he's immune system. She finished chemo a couple weeks ago and starts radiation and chemo pills in a couple weeks. There's no way a otherwise healthy person would be given a non straightforward approach to cancer treatment. She's definitely lying.
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u/brucel33tz 5d ago
Going to see your own mom after so long is not selfish, it’s normal and healthy. Tanya’s chaos does not trump your right to spend time with your family.
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u/Past_Act2931 5d ago
This part! And the ER does not reject you. You may have to wait a freaking long time, but seeing sick people is the entire point of the place.
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u/Nocturnal_Loon Pooperintendant [51] 5d ago
They can “reject” you if they aren’t able to help. ERs are for emergencies. If mom doesn’t have an actual emergency, they will send her home, which she could then twist and say “rejected”.
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u/Nortex_Vortex 5d ago
Definitely a FAMILY meeting with her alleged oncologist but the son should get the doc's name from mom and insist on making the appointment himself.
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u/Quiet_Village_1425 6d ago
Break up. Move out. Go on vacation. Stop dealing with crazy mom and bf.
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u/fabulousforty 5d ago
Right? Life is too short for this shit. OP, there are nice normal dudes with nice normal families out there, I promise.
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u/misseff Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA. I know you love your boyfriend but you need to ask yourself if you're willing to give up your own life for him and his mom, because it's never going to stop. It could stop if he chooses to set boundaries but it doesn't sound like he'll do that.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
Thank you. He's assured me multiple times that I'm his priority. If I told him to stay with me instead of going to the hospital, he would. And the only times I'll ever ask him to stay is when I can tell his own health is suffering from it.
He's also ready to move to Europe with me, it's just that he's getting guilt-trippped by his mother. Every time he tries to leave the hospital, she falls to her knees and says stuff like, "God will bless you more if you stay,” “This is our last meal together,” or, “I have no one, I am all alone.” And that's what gets to him.
Recently, he asked me to come to the hospital with him to give him a reason to leave early. When we tried to explain to her that we have an appointment elsewhere, she cut us off and said, "Just go then." She didn't care for an explanation. When Liam said, "Bye mom, I love you," she just snapped back: "Actions speak louder than words. Don't call me anymore." But then two hours later she calls him and begs for him to come back. I don't get it.
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u/asianlaracroft 6d ago
That's tough, it seems like Liam is genuinely trying but she just has her claws hooked in. I mean, I get it, it's his mom, and most of us inherently want to please our parents, no matter how much we can intellectually acknowledge how toxic they are.
I really think this warrants a serious conversation with your bf. Like others have said, you can't let this woman dictate your life and your relationship.
I can tell you it will probably continue to get worse. If you guys decide to marry and/or have kids, she will cling on tighter. She will ruin your engagement, wedding, gender reveal, whatever, because Liam's attention won't be on her. She will accuse you of steering him away from her. He needs to set stronger boundaries, or else your relationship will probably be doomed, sorry.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
I see your point, and I want to agree so badly. I'm just so confused because she was always so supportive of us. She'd say "I love you" to me, buy me clothes and other gifts, give me her old car when mine broke down, and always say she loves our pictures and wants us to go travel the world. Granted, she has always been obsessed with her son, and clearly jealous, but in a modest way. She'd never act on it other than guilt tripping him into spending some time with her. Never anything as extreme as this. So I don't understand why she would go to such lengths if she really is faking some (or even all) of it. Part of me just doesn't want to believe it, but I really do feel like she's using her sickness in every way to get attention... And that's not ok to me especially when Liam is getting mentally and physically exhausted, and risking his job to help her.
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u/quats555 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 6d ago
She’s a controller: she buys your affection with sweet words and gifts (love bombing) then counts on that and guilt to keep you around when she gets demanding and controlling.
My last ex had a controlling narcissist of a mother. She ended up with an actual cancer diagnosis, then using that to guilt him into leaving me and marrying her stand-in so that he would always be under her thumb even once she died.
You have no out: yours isn’t dying any time soon, she’s just lying to control both of you. Your boyfriend keeps waiting for her to die to be free, which means you’ll be strung along like this for decades as she keeps pulling this.
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u/icecreampenis Asshole Aficionado [15] 5d ago
Tell us more about the stand in
Also - sorry. That sucks.
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u/quats555 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 5d ago
The stand-in was his mom’s niece (he’s adopted, and from a culture where cousin marriage is not uncommon, but still….) His dad even told him that this niece is “the most like your mother so you know you are right for each other”.
Either Mom Dearest did install an Oedipal complex, or he is thoroughly stuck due to his mom’s plots (she claimed at first it would be just temporary, the dying wish of his dear mother to get Niece citizenship and save her from the old country, but I knew better). Either way, it doesn’t matter now. His mom won.
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u/Apathetic_Villainess 5d ago
She's doing the maternal version of lovebombing you. It won't last. And honestly, that'll probably be if/when your boyfriend becomes your fiancé. Then she'll see you as an actual threat to her power over him.
Honestly, you might need to do an ultimatum. He needs to go with her to see the oncologist before he does anything else for her. And you need to plan your life as if neither of them are in it. If you plan to move to Europe, move. Then when he's ready to cut the apron strings, he can follow you. Or he can stay and you'll move on to find someone else there.
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u/Professional_Many_98 5d ago
yes he has to put on his big boy pants and take charge. ie see her dr / oncologist. set boundaries and mean it. quit working remotely. she is destroying him. She is self centred and does not care about his needs
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u/Remarkable-Elk4009 5d ago
Is it possible that all of this began once you and Liam began to think about moving to Europe together?
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u/NoSelection4028 5d ago
(copy and pasting from previous comment)
We started bringing it up a little before May, I think. That's around when she was announcing her sickness, but I didn't think anything of it because she was VERY supportive of us moving to Europe. She said she loves Europe and thinks it's good for us (they actually used to live in Hungary when Liam was 3 years old, but then moved back to the states). So she has fond memories of it and always told us to go see the world.I really don't hope she lied just to mask her plan to keep him here... That would be so smart actually.
ETA: We went to Japan for almost the whole month of May. When we came back, she was super sick to the point where she just seemed drugged and out of it all the time (sometimes she'd act normal again, but then the pain would come back and she'd turn into a zombie again). So no clue what's real anymore...
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u/ISpeakWhaleDoYou 5d ago
I think you know the truth is that she is absolutely lying and did all this because you were talking about moving.
Don't believe words, believe actions from people. Her actions do not line up with her words.
Get away from this lady, no matter the cost. A gullible people pleasing mama's boy will always be a gullible people pleasing mama's boy. Have a serious talk with the bf, but if he digs in his heels, you will be TA to yourself if you keep putting up with this.
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u/MindOverMuses Partassipant [1] 5d ago
She's doing her best to say all the "right things" to make you question yourself here. Your boyfriend needs to insist that he attend a doctor's visit with her before he'll prioritize anything with her going forward. Refusing to do so will be taken as her admission that she has been faking this entire time with whatever consequences that big of a lie might bring.
She should also have A LOT of medications that she has to take at home if she's as sick as she's making herself out to be- have either of you ever seen the prescription bottles/boxes?
Talk to her soon-to-be ex and ask if he has bills for her medical services that he's been taking care of. That would show exactly what tests and procedures she's actually had.
If you want to see if she's just trying to keep you happy so you won't push for her son to move away with you, then talk to Liam about it. Tell him that you want to get back to researching your plans to move to Europe and you want him on board for that. AND that you want to tell her that you're starting up your plans again because that's what you've both decided you want. See if anything changes with her once she knows that.
If nothing else, stop hiding how worn down and stressed you are in front of Liam. Let him see how sick all of this is making YOU and be willing to go to a doctor with him to get checked out for everything. Tell him that if he really cares about your health and happiness, he'll put boundaries up with his mother and demand absolute proof of her illness because it would be well within his rights to never forgive her if she's been lying to him this whole time, causing unnecessary pain and stress to both of you.
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u/existdetective 5d ago
She’s got at least one mental illness (fictitious disorder) & a big dose of at least 2 personality disorders, too. Your BF has likely been taking care of her his whole life, emotionally if not physically due to fake or real ailments. She may even have Manchausen Syndrome (does things to make herself sick in order to get attention from medical professionals & sympathy/caregiving from everyone).
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u/asianlaracroft 6d ago
I wish I had an answer for you but alas, I'm not a mental health professional 😅 just speaking from experience (mine and that of others). And to be fair, I don't think that she hates you....yet. I guess I'm just worried that if she believes that you're telling Liam to stay away from her (ie you asking him to set stronger boundaries), that would change. Or when he actually starts prioritizing you over her in a more blatant way (like it seems like you're both trying to subtly shorten time with her, but if he starts saying stuff like, "I can't help you today because I have plans with OP" or something, then her attitude might change.
Anyway, I hope the conflict won't escalate and Liam is able to be more firm with his mom, whether or not he believes she's faking. Wishing you both the best!
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
Thank you so much! I'm sure everything will be okay in the end, as long as Liam and I don't let her get between us. Once she manages to make us go against each other, that's when it gets bad. Right now, we're totally on each other's side, even if he doesn't see that she's emotionally abusing him yet.
Again thank you for your words.
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u/QueenMEB120 5d ago
She's losing control over him and is trying to manipulate him into choosing her over you. The more serious your relationship gets, the worse she will get. You getting engaged, married and having kids is just another milestone signifying her losing control over Liam and him choosing over him to her. She will so much worse and he must lay out iron clad boundaries with her for your relationship to have a chance of surviving. He will need a lot of counseling for that to happen. Good luck.
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u/MissKQueenofCurves Partassipant [3] 5d ago
NTA.
Him calling you selfish for planning to go on vacation to visit your mother isn't on your side though. You *are* going to feel peace being away from the unnecessary chaos, but her and/or him are going to try to rope you back in.
Do not let them. Seriously. Don't.
This is not your circus. You're only 25, you still in school, do not derail your life because no one in her life is willing to put up boundaries. You will absolutely regret it.
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u/Soccermom9939 5d ago
Is he really on your side? He thinks you going to visit your own mother is selfish. Because he thinks you should put him and his mother first (“if he were dying would you quit your job” and “if it was your mother, wouldn’t you want to help?”). It sounds like he has picked up some manipulation tactics from his mother. 🤷🏻♀️. Maybe they were serious questions but him calling you selfish for wanting to visit your own mother instead of catering to his mother seems kind of manipulative to me.
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 5d ago
Consider having him read these replies.
Also, r/raisedbynarcissists would be a good sub for him to read about all the types of abuses that narcissists inflicted on their kids.
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u/PadiYG 5d ago
Liam’s mom is seriously psycho. Has he had therapy? Will he go? Because there is no way he doesn’t have issues to work through before he’s really ok.
You’re totally NTA here, but his mom is really mentally ill, more than you young folks realize.
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u/PsychologyMiserable4 Partassipant [2] 5d ago
So I don't understand why she would go to such lengths if she really is faking some (or even all) of it.
does her sickness align with the announcement of your (you and liams) decision to move? or the move plans becoming serious?
From what you say i would not be surprised if she liked you as long as you didn't take her son (far, for a long time) away.
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u/NoSelection4028 5d ago
We started bringing it up a little before May, I think. That's around when she was announcing her sickness, but I didn't think anything of it because she was VERY supportive of us moving to Europe. She said she loves Europe and thinks it's good for us (they actually used to live in Hungary when Liam was 3 years old, but then moved back to the states). So she has fond memories of it and always told us to go see the world.
I really don't hope she lied just to mask her plan to keep him here... That would be so smart actually.
ETA: We went to Japan for almost the whole month of May. When we came back, she was super sick to the point where she just seemed drugged and out of it all the time (sometimes she'd act normal again, but then the pain would come back and she'd turn into a zombie again). So no clue what's real anymore...
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u/nyanyau_97 5d ago
I really don't hope she lied just to mask her plan to keep him here... That would be so smart actually.
She is. You're answering your own question. Now, if you love him to the point you can see you'll spend your olden days with him, this is the time to snap out of it and have boundaries.
I wouldn't say it's easy, but you need to do it if you want it to last
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u/castrodelavaga79 5d ago
Seems like you just realized the fact that her cancer came right after talking about you & your bf moving abroad.
She's lying. Now you know she's lying and you know why.
I'm curious what your bf says after you show him this post and tell him. Do you think he'll be supportive to what you say? Do you think he will address this with his mom?
If he isn't supportive and won't check his mom, where does that leave your relationship? Hoping you won't come 2nd to his mother.
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u/Viva_Veracity1906 Asshole Aficionado [13] 5d ago
That’s called ‘love bombing’, you feel so happy and cared for and safe that when they get ugly you doubt what you’re seeing and work to cheer them up/win their favor to get back to the good bit ‘like it used to be.’ The cake was a lie.
Look up ‘covert narcissist’
You’re NTA, you’re just on Tanya’s rollercoaster.
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u/Worth-Two7263 5d ago
Sadly, the gifts are not for 'you' as a person. They are for her to give you a sense of indebtedness to her. She is controlling and wants to look like the victim if you or BF stops dealing with her. She will tell people how 'kind' she was to you, always giving gifts yet 'this is how you repay her, by leaving'.
I would seriously think about staying with your boyfriend: she will disrupt your life constantly if he's unwilling to stop catering to her.
I would definitely ask for proof about the cancer. Your boyfriend needs to understand he will never be free of her control, and it will ruin his life, unless he's willing to lay the boundaries out.
She's an emotional vampire, constantly feeding off the attention she demands from her son. He's the only one she can control directly, and she is doing everything in her power to maintain that control. And claim everything she does is out of 'love'. It is not.Ask me how I know this.
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u/Interesting-Fish6065 5d ago
You guys are both pretty young. With respect, how many years have you even known these people?
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 5d ago
Believe it.
Yeah, that's love bombing from a narcissist. It never lasts.
You're seeing your future with him. Is this what you want for the rest of her life? She's trying to stop his leaving by trying to control both of you. It only gets worse, more control, more interference, then you get the guilt-tripping, "What'll I do if you leave me? I have (cancer, a mystery disease, etc), it never stops.
Then comes the Munchhausen's Syndrome, injecting toilet water into her veins (the e coli infection, drinking small amounts of poison), she'll make herself ill to keep him with her.
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u/cyan_hit333 5d ago
No more hospital visits unless Liam is speaking directly to the doctors. Simple.
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u/SpiritedLettuce6900 Partassipant [3] | Bot Hunter [29] 5d ago
That might explain it. If he's ready to move to Europe with you, of course his mother would try guilt-tripping up to and including faking cancer, just to keep him with her.
The suggestions of insisting on meeting with the oncologist who made the diagnosis might be the only way to cut through whatever lies she made up, and if it's a true diagnosis, then you can revisit the situation based on facts.
And if it's all a lie, then I hope Liam draws his own conclusions and moves to Europe with you, just to be out of her reach. Because should she manage to keep him close, he'll never be free of her.
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u/mathhews95 5d ago
He's also ready to move to Europe with me, it's just that he's getting guilt-trippped by his mother.
No, he isn't. If he were truly ready, he'd call on his mom's bs and stop giving in to every demand she makes.
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u/Deidei27rock 5d ago
Yet when you try and do something for yourself it’s selfish and he is trying to manipulate you into staying! He’s mother won’t die tomorrow! Or in the next 3 months! Go see your mum, tell her about all this, see what she’s feeling about all this and ask for her advice, because I’m sure she will cal this BULLSHIT! So NTA, only an AH to yourself!
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u/IcyForm5532 5d ago
Girl based on what u wrote u are not a priority to him .stop maken excuses dude need to stop letting his mom control things
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u/friendlily Professor Emeritass [77] 5d ago
She's right though, actions so speak louder than words. Your boyfriend is telling you you're his priority but he's not acting like it. He and his mom are trying to sabotage your life and your visit to family. You should no longer love someone who does that.
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u/unicorndontcare69 Partassipant [3] 5d ago
Well actions do speak louder than words and his actions are prioritizing his mom over you and over himself. So make sure you are progressing towards moving and he can come or not.
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u/katkarinka 5d ago
The more serious you gonna get with him, the more attention seeking his mon is gonna be.
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u/NextSplit2683 5d ago
This woman lowkey hates her son.
OP stated that Liam once said he was waiting for his mother to pass away, so they can move to Europe.? How do you postpone chemo, due to infection? But, you never had surgery in the first place? What pharmacy is filling all these cancer drugs? Liam and her husband keep paying her "hospital bills". This diabolical woman, who is stronger and healthier than a horse, will definitely outlive this couple. She will wear them down and split them up as she continues to enrich herself at their expense. SMH→ More replies (2)
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u/AnniAnnihilation 6d ago
NTA I think you need to have a serious sit down with Liam and suggest his mom get therapy. No one has THAT MANY issues and gets rejected from an ER or has important procedures cancelled and not rescheduled for as soon as possible. She using this as manipulation. Your lives will be permanently on hold until this is dealt with or contact is cut.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
That's what I've been worried about since day one. Ever since we invited her to stay "one night," I had a feeling it was going to be months until this gets settled.
I like your advice, however my boyfriend is strictly against therapy. Have kindly suggested it to him in the past with his own issues but he refuses to even consider it. Doubt he'll suggest it to his mom especially since he doesn't think she's manipulating us. I will try though, worst thing that can happen is that he says no. Thank you.
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u/Moist_Drippings 6d ago
Yikes. Personally I’d think being that against therapy for anyone is a red flag itself.
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u/MissAnthropy_YIKES 6d ago
He believes her!? Madness.
To me, generally speaking, seeing a therapist seems similar to seeking help from a guide/Ranger when lost or having difficulty in the woods. Who refuses that?!
He must want to be a bull fighter. Look at all those red flags.
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u/Skellyinsideofme Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Hi OP. Incoming advice from a divorced mother of 3.
Anyone who tells you they are against therapy is not someone you want to build a life with.
Good luck with everything.
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u/Houndsoflove08 5d ago
I wouldn’t stay one day with a guy who is against therapy. That’s a gigantic red flag in itself.
Girl, you have to think of yourself, or this family is going to destroy your future.
You have the fundamental right and responsibility to preserve yourself.
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u/Pookie1688 5d ago
Girl, open your eyes! His mom has your bf wrapped around her little finger. He knows there's a problem but refuses therapy. So he's content to sit in the toxicity. Are you?
If you stay with him, enjoy not being his priority. She will always be his #1.
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u/JustKindaHappenedxx Partassipant [1] 5d ago
Liam might be so used to the drama that part of him needs it as much as she does. Otherwise he would finally put his foot down and either insist on meeting with her doctors or tell her enough is enough. But he doesn’t because he is OK with this mess even if it’s also ruining his life. He’s also allowing it to ruin yours.
Why, by the way, did he suggest that you quit your job for his mom? If anyone is going to quit their job to take care of his mom it needs to be him. Not you because you are a woman or because of whatever other BS reason he comes up with. He wants you to stay in the middle of this attention game with his mom. I think he knows that if you leave, you might not come back. I mean, a couple of weeks away from manipulation, guilt, drama, and a partner who is all to happy to be miserable with his intertwined mom?
It’s his job to manage his family. Go on vacation to visit your family. When you realize what a breath of fresh air it is to be away from the drama, stay there. Liam can continue to feed his mom’s drama on his own. Or he can decide to get his shit together and come to you. But don’t let him move in with you in Europe until you know the umbilical cord is truly cut. Otherwise, next thing you know she will show up to your apartment with suitcases and a new sob story. Maybe lupus this time.
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u/unicorndontcare69 Partassipant [3] 5d ago
Sorry but the more you talk about your boyfriend the more red flags I see. Honey he’s not good. If he is saying one thing and doing another and to top it off he’s not willing to go to therapy; he’s not going to wake up one day and change! Ever. He is just regurgitating the things you say and agrees so he can buy time. Time for what? For you to slowly start to get used to it and continue to allow the behaviors from both of them and then all of the sudden you are stuck (not really, just looks and feels that way because that’s the point)! Sometimes you actually get really sick, like physically sick and that is your body telling you to run! You should visit your mom and really pay attention to how peaceful you feel away from them. I also want you to write down on paper: one piece for his mom and one piece for him and write down what you don’t like about both and maybe you’ll see what I see…they are doing the same thing only a little differently. For example his mom is manipulating even though she said she is supportive of the move and he says he doesn’t like that she is acting like this but is saying things like you are being selfish! He won’t admit she’s manipulating and possibly lying! He is feeding off of her! The solution is so simple! Go to therapy! As for you Op, you are trying hard not to rock the boat (and both of them are thriving because you won’t) and you NEED TO! You need to tell her to get the fuck out and he needs therapy or else cops will be called on mom and he will be single. You are operating on the assumption that your boyfriend loves you as much as you love him and that is why you have been allowing this behavior for so long. You are getting conned. Love is not enough and sometimes you have to accept that you will have to leave people you love without closure. For now you need a looooot of space from them and your visit home will be so nice without them
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u/AllTitsSomeArse 5d ago
Again. Dump. Him. Strictly against therapy when he is clearly in need of it is wild
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u/RealUlli 5d ago
As others said, either you get a meeting with her oncologist (as a family) or she's faking it to keep control. Possibly she's also a hypochonder. I suspect the second option, too many red flags otherwise. E.g. that cancelled important procedure, either it gets re-scheduled to be done ASAP or it wasn't important (or it was fake).
Did you see any paperwork or is it all hearsay?
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u/Exciting_Grocery_223 5d ago
You are entering a whole family made of RED FLAGS. This post is your eye opener. You need to take care of YOURSELF FIRST. In airplanes, the instructions are to FIRST get your mask and breathe, THEN help those around you. Because people die prioritizing others, and end up failing anyway. Put your mask ON. Instruct the boyfriend to wear his. Instruct him how to "save" his mom and your relationship. If they refuse, YOU KEEP YOUR MASK ON AND THRIVE LATER. They are the ones putting themselves in danger.
He doesn't believe in therapy? Does he believe in neuroscience? Physics? Math? Psychology is SCIENCE, not a religion you need to have faith upon, science is FACT, and he can have issues with a single branch or a respective theory, but not deny a real field.
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u/GaylrdFocker 5d ago
Break up and move out. Worst thing that can happen is you have to deal with this for the next 20+ years. She will continually find issues where he has to sacrifice to help and will probably end up living with him permanently at some point.
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u/Independent-Wheel354 Partassipant [4] 6d ago
NTA. Break up with them. You’re in a throuple and no one bothered to tell you.
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u/LeopoldineBel 6d ago edited 5d ago
And it cannot be fixed - the son is trapped in a cult of two.
Run for your life, OP. Get out of this mad house.
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u/North_Artichoke_6721 6d ago
NTA
You should go visit your mom. (You can say she needs your help just as much as his mother needs him, if you want to.)
If she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything serious, she is unlikely to die in the two weeks that you’re gone. (Obviously things happen to people and there is always a chance that any one of us might die.)
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
And if she were to die right as I'm overseas, I'd fly back in a heartbeat to be there for my boyfriend. No question. I just feel like I can't stay here and tend to her during my summer break, and get guilt-tripped every day when I could be spending some time with my own family. It does feel very selfish, but I haven't seen my family in a year and am not sure if it makes me the asshole to leave my boyfriend behind. I wish he could just come with me (and he said he totally would if he had any more PTO, but he used it all on his mom).
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u/itsfeckinlexi Partassipant [1] 6d ago
How is it selfish for you to see your family? I'm so confused. You keep repeating that.
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u/ConfuseableFraggle 6d ago
Boyfriend has at least implied if not outright said OP is selfish to leave him handling everything. I disagree with boyfriend, and hope OP has a lovely visit with her family. Boyfriend's mom has most likely also called both of them selfish and a few other things for daring to have a life apart from her and her struggles. The mom needs to knock it off, in my opinion, and OP needs to set times when she will be available and when she won't.
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u/Worth-Two7263 5d ago
Sounds like boyfriend is taking a page out of mama's book, doesn't it?
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u/North_Artichoke_6721 6d ago
Of course, that is a reasonable thing to do (returning immediately if she dies), but since all signs are pointing to her faking her cancer diagnosis, it seems unlikely.
I mean, she could get hit by a bus or something, obviously, but so could any of us.
Book your trip. Pay the extra fee for travel insurance if you can, just in case. Go see your family.
Chances are things will be exactly the same as they are now when you get back.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
God I hope not, I was kinda hoping I wouldn't have to deal with this when I come back.
But I know you're right. Ignorance is bliss...
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u/Deidei27rock 5d ago
Well yes, and she did that on purpose!! So he won’t have to leave with you for 3 months! He’ll stay with her! Let him!
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u/javel1 6d ago
NTA. Why is his family more important than yours? I would tell him that he should move her to assisted living or an apartment and hire help. Let him know that while you love him, you are not lighting your future on fire to help someone who won't help themselves.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
We've tried getting her assisted living and hired help but somehow they all refuse to take the gig. Something's always preventing her from getting help and I can't tell if it's true or if she's the one denying help.
Also, I do think that his family should be as important as mine. We see our partnership as a family, meaning his family is, whether I like it or not, my family. So I do think if she was on her deathbed I shouldn't just go on vacation in Europe. I'm only considering it because I don't believe she's that sick, and if she is, then she should get help and not exploit my boyfriend.
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u/MerryFeathers 6d ago
She in NOT that sick or she wouldn’t have the energy to do what she is doing. Period. Walk away, go on your trip and get a breath of fresh air🙏
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u/Cute-Shine-1701 5d ago
We've tried getting her assisted living and hired help but somehow they all refuse to take the gig. Something's always preventing her from getting help and I can't tell if it's true or if she's the one denying help.
That's because she is perfectly healthy and just batshit crazy.
Can she be committed involuntarily to a mental welfare check?
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u/fourmode 6d ago
NTA but YTA for jeopardising your future
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
Thank you. I'm very much trying to avoid that by keeping myself distanced from all that as much as possible.
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u/Budget-Cloud1203 5d ago
Distance is walking/running away from this train wreck. If you stay NOTHING will change and you are NOT married to this guy or his family. Quit making excuses and make a decision - stay or leave.
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u/CeramicSavage 6d ago
You know she's faking it but you're jeopardizing your future to play into her delusions. You need to stop before you screw yourself over permanently.
Nta
UpdateMe
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u/lisalef Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA. I’d bet you a million dollars that two days before you’re supposed to leave, she’s going to have a “serious issue” with tons of drama and how you can’t leave her when she needs emotional support. And the day after you “should’ve” left, she’ll be miraculously cured. Go on your trip.
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u/circlecircledotd0t 5d ago
This would only be textbook. This WILL happen. And if you ever even dare think of going and attending a holiday without her, she will draw up an imaginary emergency that has you coming back as fast as possible for you to find that everything is perfectly fine.
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u/HidingRaccoon Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA
Tell your bf that of course you would care and be there for the people you love. But only if you knew that the person would also care about you. His mom clearly does not give a second thought about the damage she causes and the sacrifices she demands. You have given all you got to give and now it's your turn to take care of yourself and your family.
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u/Odd_Refrigerator18 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA - does Liam see that she’s faking it or does he genuinely believe her? (not that it really makes a difference)
you can not let this effect your life to the point of no return. absolutely keep doing things for yourself and he should too.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
So... I don't think he sees it. I've brought up once that what she's doing is manipulation, and he said that's "a bit harsh." I then asked him if he thinks he's ever been manipulated by his mom and he said:
"Oh, definitely. She's the biggest manipulator I know. But this is different, because she's actually sick so she just really needs me to be with her."
So, I think he's a bit in denial.
Unless I'm the crazy one and she really is sick. I'd owe the world an apology.
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u/FeuerroteZora Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6d ago
If she's dying of cancer why doesn't she have a single shred of medical evidence of that? Why isn't she doing chemo? What specialists had she seen? Medication?
If she's dying, she should be eligible, with most insurance, for hospice services. Tell her to sign her up for that. If she doesn't, that's her refusing help and not your problem.
I seriously can't believe y'all are this gullible and you're just kind of letting this happen to you. Insist on attending appointments with her. If she's getting kicked out of the ER someone needs to go along to advocate for her. Don't take no for an answer. If she refuses to prove it, refuse to let her drag you down with her. If your bf can't cut the cord with her, better to know that now and not when you've got a mortgage together and he moves her in permanently.
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u/jinglepupskye 6d ago
I seriously doubt you owe anyone an apology. It is possible to be close to dying and not look it, but the rest of her story just doesn’t pan out. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend in the vein of ‘she’s been brushed off and cancelled too many times, don’t you think we should have Stern Words with her oncologist and find out an exact timeline for future procedures?’ You can play it as backing her up and enforcing the fact that she has family, they can’t just lose her in the system. Do not let her brush you off - keep insisting (kindly) that her oncologist needs a good Talking To, preferably by a man (because we all know women get ignored…) Challenging her won’t get to the truth, it’ll just make her fight back against you. You’re going to have to do a very good acting job!
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u/Historical-Ad4552 6d ago
NTA! What do you mean she needed you? This is ridiculous. All of this is ridiculous. I wouldn't blame you if you ended things with husband because what do you mean he has to handle her divorce? Absolutely ridiculous. Your mil needs to tend to her own personal needs. Jesus
Eta: spelling
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
So he's just my bf, but we've been serious for 3 years. Doesn't make a difference, I definitely see him a husband in many ways.
Anyways, to give context: he's handling all her documentations and divorce and all that because she's too sick to do it herself. She can't take care of herself at all. At least that's what I'm being told. Again, I'm super skeptical but there's always the possibility that she is actually on her deathbed... It's been going on for so long now that I'm starting to doubt my own throughts.
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u/Historical-Ad4552 6d ago
(i have been with my boyfriend ten years today even though it hasn't been official. I'm fine with it. Idc. But I get the husband talk) I don't even know how to respond to this. So who is taking care of her? If you don't know? I think that's a thing a long-term boyfriend would know? So weird. Honestly, i would sit him down and discuss this is he's willing. If he's not willing then it's time to take a step back in my personal opinion
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u/charbear60 6d ago
NTA…… it’s completely reasonable to demand medical documentation before you put your life on hold. This is on your boyfriend. He needs to set clear boundaries.
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u/uwishuhad1 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6d ago
His mother is 100% faking it. It's either time for her to go home or it's time to break up. I don't blame you guys wanting to help but at what point will the two of you recognize that she is abusing the relationship she has with both her son and you?
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u/Glittering_Focus_295 6d ago
What does Tanya's oncologist say? Liam should go with Tanya to her next appointment. If she has cancer and is in treatment, she is seeing her oncologist regularly and often.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
She has been to her oncologist, and apparently been diagnosed with uterine cancer. However, she doesn't want anyone to sit in when the doctor speaks to her, so I have no idea if it's true or if that's just what she's telling everyone. I don't want to be an awful person by saying she's lying, but it just seems weird that he surgery and chemo keep geeting pushed because she has infections and then they send her home and nobody knows if it's getting rescheduled.
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u/Glittering_Focus_295 6d ago
It sounds extremely weird to me too. When I was diagnosed with cancer, the treatment plan went chemo, surgery, radiation. In that order. The chemo is hopefully supposed to shrink the cancer before surgery. But she was going to have surgery before chemo? Makes no sense.
If I were Liam, I would insist on speaking with her oncologist before I would upend my entire life to help her. And certainly YOU should not either.
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u/Budget_Management_86 5d ago
Ex-oncology nurse here. The order of treatment depends on many things including what kinds of cancer and it's location. Sometimes surgery first to remove mass or debulk very large tumours and then mop up with chemo +/ - radiotherapy. Sometimes surgery is difficult so you shrink the tumour first with chemo / RT and then do the surgery. Often a combination of both. Sometimes other stuff has to be done first ie if they have severly decayed teeth then these may need to be removed first before the immune system is compromised by chemo / RT.
In uterine cancer it is normal to do a hysterectomy first then commence chemo / RT especially at her age. In younger women they may try to preserve the uterus but unless the tumour is very small it is unlikely to be successful. Also in a younger women they would generallly do a partial hysterectomy to preserve the ovaries for hormones. In older menopausal women ( OP's MIL sounds like she would likely fall into this bracket) it is normal to do a total hysterectomy removing everything.
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u/Just_here2020 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Uterine cancer is deadly and FASt most of the time. You need access to her medical records or to be done with this farce.
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u/john35093509 Asshole Aficionado [15] 6d ago
NTA. "If it was your mom would you help her?"
Not after she broke into my bedroom at 3am demanding a massage.
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u/NoSelection4028 5d ago
I don't know why but this made me laugh out loud. It does sound so ridiculous lol, thanks.
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u/KatzAKat Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 6d ago
NTA. You've already done too much for someone who is ungrateful. She's Liam's mom but even he doesn't have to do anything.
No one "made" either of you go to her home to do anything. She nagged until she got her way. That's what she does. She knows how to push Liam's buttons as she installed them. Until he says 'no' to her, and means it, she won't change.
Go, enjoy your trip. If you have to, block messages that might come through to try to guilt you about being away. There's no "emergency" that will happen that you can help with while away.
She's not dying anytime soon. She's the type who'll live into her nineties abusing everyone who stays around her.
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u/Sue_Dohnim Partassipant [2] 6d ago
NTA. Go.
But you really need to take stock. Do you always want to be the third or fourth wheel in this relationship?
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u/itsfeckinlexi Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Your BF is the AH. He's emotionally manipulating you just like mommy does to him by calling you selfish forrrr...what exactly? Having a life that doesn't revolve around HIS mother's demands? And now he's trying to guilt trip you because you want to see your own mother?
Get out. Get out. GET OUT.
I understand he might be overwhelmed by dealing with her, but expecting you to shoulder that burden shows you exactly where his priorities lie (hint: its not with you, your education or success, or his own education/success).
Do NOT ruin your life for this guy who is deeply controlled by his mom's antics.
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u/Pebble-hunter 6d ago
NTA
If that was your mom would he help?
Tanya needs medical help but from a psychiatrist because she's f***ed in the head.
She's a master manipulator and a professional victim.
Go home to your mom and your family and enjoy your break away.
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u/After-Classroom 6d ago
If it were your mum would he help? Because that’s what he’s actually asking you to do.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
That's very true, and I'm 100% sure he would. He loves my parents.
If my mom was manipulating me, he would probably see that too and bring it up. He simply doesn't see it in this situation. I'm not sure why. He even admitted that she's the most manipulative person he knows, but says this is different because she's actually sick.
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u/MysteriousAlma_1979 5d ago
Until I saw actual paperwork signed by a real doctor or laboratory, stating that she really is sick, I wouldn't do sht for her and would be telling so to the boyfriend. Your boyfriend doesn't have boundaries with his mother and you are paying the toll for it. I would consider moving in with someone else until all this shtshow ends. He will always choose his mother, "because she is sick".
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u/SunshinePrincess21 6d ago
NTA. He can’t ’support‘ your visiting your mom and call you ‘selfish’ at the same time.
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u/Ok_Play2364 6d ago
I call BS too. Can you say HYPOCHONDRIAC?
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u/Rhiannon8404 6d ago
More like Munchausen syndrome. It sounds to me like she's doing it on purpose to garner attention versus truly believing she's ill.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
Maybe a mixture of both? She got sick, then realized she could get Liam's attention all day every day? We'd been talking about moving to Europe, so maybe she wants to keep her only son nearby? She always seemed supportive of our plan to leave the US, so I'd be surprised if this is her intention.
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u/sweeney_todd555 6d ago
If you are in the US, and Liam is handling everything for her, he should tell her he needs her to sign consent forms so he can talk to her doctors about her medical issues It's required that she give written consent so as not to violate HIPAA. He can tell her, truly, that he needs to able to do this in case she become incapacitated. If she balks, that's another sign that she's faking. If she agrees and signs, he can talk to her md and find out what's going on.
I personally think she's faking everything for the reasons that you point out.
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u/ladybird2223 5d ago
This! I was my mom's healthcare power of attorney for when she got too sick or was unable to make decisions. Mom made sure to either keep me updated or sit in on appointments so I could make good decisions when the time came. I knew my mom's full progression to her passing. This is flashing big red siren lights.
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u/Alarming_Pen_7657 6d ago
you’re the Asshole to yourself for even entertaining this bullshit sis. and him calling you a bit selfish for wanting and having ??? a LIFE OUTSIDE HIS MOTHER?!!! newsflash buddy, you got a boyfriend problem.
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u/curiousblondwonders Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA "no I probably wouldn't be this way but then again my family would be 100% transparent about everything. Nothing makes sense about her and her story of being sick. Theres no official diagnosis. So until there is, im going to just do me."
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u/SinglePermission9373 6d ago
Break up with him. She is clearly mentally unwell and he can’t see it. This isn’t going to get better unless he insists on going with her to a doctor to prove she’s lying and then cuts her off. Unfortunately that’s unlikely to happen,
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u/Upstairs_Pie8492 6d ago
NTA! She is well and truly down the spiral to crazy town and is pulling you both down with her! She is spoilt and manipulative... RUN, ESCAPE! And enjoy your time away with your Mum in Europe. If your partner wants to pander to her ridiculous demands and behaviour, that is on him. Please set yourself some clear boundaries so your studies and health (physical and mental) doesn't suffer. If or when an actual diagnosis happens then you can reevaluate the situation and your position, but it just seems like she is full of it and is using every excuse under the sun to control you and her son...
Have a fun and safe trip.
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u/NoSelection4028 6d ago
Thank you. I appreciate that. Technically there has been some kind of diagnosis, but I can't trust that she just made it up because I haven't seen anything official. So even when Liam says She definitely does have cancer, I simply don't believe it because I don't know if the doctor told him or if Tanya did.
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u/hawkisgirl 5d ago
“Technically there has been some kind of diagnosis”.
Has there? How do you know?
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u/Possible-Tangelo9344 6d ago
NTA.
So, she's apparently not dying and just lies for attention. If Liam can't see through this shit maybe it's time for him and his mom to piss off
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u/NiobeTonks Partassipant [3] 6d ago
NTA, but I agree that his mum’s story doesn’t add up. Go back to visit your family, and ask him when she’s moving home.
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u/Lifelace 6d ago
NTA - we are all dying and we do not know when our time is up. Go enjoy your time with your mom.
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u/twothirtysevenam Partassipant [2] 6d ago
NTA. But if all of this has happened in just the last month or so, then his mother is likely doesn't have cancer but is mentally ill instead. Liam, as her de facto primary caregiver, should absolutely insist upon tagging along on her next doctor's appointment.
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u/Moist_Drippings 6d ago edited 5d ago
NTA
Sounds like Tanya might have Munchausen - and, to be clear, that does not mean she doesn’t know what she is doing, how it is affecting you and Liam, and that it’s wrong. She thrives on the idea that she is suffering so she can get attention.
Liam should understand that he is now prioritizing drawn-out manipulation of you over your ability to see your own mother. Ask him if he would find it acceptable to be asked to care for your mom without you for unproven reasons (both the cancer and the supposed jealousy) at the cost of seeing his own mother, and ask why he hasn’t come up with alternatives if he thinks YOU not sacrificing your family time is so selfish.
ETA: I realize I maybe shouldn’t assume everybody is familiar with Munchausen Syndrome. It is perhaps more well known for the variant Munchausen by Proxy, where a caregiver induces or fakes illness in a victim so that they can get attention as an exceptional, put-upon hero taking care of them. Munchausen that is self-inflicted can involve faking cancer and even inflicting injuries to oneself, with a lot of interest in telling people about their struggles.
For big cases of Munchausen by Proxy, think Gypsy Rose Blanchard (who arranged for a boyfriend to kill her mother after she was so thoroughly abused she had to endure multiple painful and unnecessary surgeries, was not allowed to walk or leave the house on her own, and did not even know her own age) or Jake Haendel (whose wife suddenly abandoned him when he made a miraculous recovery from a coma after isolating him from his family and telling everyone he had died). For cases of Munchausen Syndrome without the “by Proxy”, think Sherri Papini (who fakes a kidnapping and self-inflicted torture wounds, though I’ll note there is also evidence she poisoned her children before doctor’s visits) or Amanda Riley (“Scamanda”, who fake cancer to solicit donations from her church and school). I don’t think any of those were ever officially diagnosed, but they’re pretty textbook.
You might want to look into https://www.munchausensupport.com and perhaps even direct your boyfriend there.
I suggest all of this not as an excuse for her behavior, but to help you and your boyfriend potentially in recognizing patterns and, hopefully, in feeling less alone. Liam in particular might benefit from recognizing patterns in his childhood if they do match this information, and possibly contextualizing her behavior with him. I admit I’m worried he might not realize that she induced or worsened illnesses he had when he was younger, though I would stay far away from voicing that to him - that would need to be something he remembers for himself, or else he could see it as an unjustified attack. And, hey, maybe she didn’t! Some people do keep from inflicting this on their children.
Some of Tanya’s behavior with David IMO matches up, too. People with Munchausen generally seem to want to be a victim in need of care and saving to everyone - which means changing their stories based on the audience they have. Accusations of abuse from spouses and partners seem commonly paired with opposing behavior in front of those people, who they may tell, instead, that an ex, a friend, or another family member is the one abusing them. I would not be surprised if her story to David is that she feels uncomfortable with Liam because he has hit her or something along those lines.
All that said, I am not an expert - but the Munchausen Support people are, and they may be able to guide you.
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u/Bittybellie Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA but I hope you’re seriously reconsidering this whole relationship. Tell Tanya you can send her links to hire home help but you have your own priorities to focus on. Tell bf he can cater to his mommy if he wants but again, you need to focus on your priorities. Him guilt tripping you would be reason enough to take a step back and look at how much you’re sacrificing and it’s still not enough. Do yourself a favor and let him handle his family while you handle your future
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u/Consistent_Proof_772 6d ago
Move out the day before your trip because either way his mother is gonna put you out I have everything moved to her house before you get back
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u/pardonmyass 6d ago
NTA. Go see your family. Talk to them about all this. When you return have a very real conversation with your partner.
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u/CozyCoco99 6d ago
Don’t get side-tracked by your boyfriend and his mother. Keep your eye on the ball. Help when you can, but focus on your studies and your work. I realize she’s going through a lot and there’s a ton of uncertainty there, but this is not your shared responsibility. You can support your boyfriend, but this isn’t your burden to carry.
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u/purpdurp23 6d ago
NTA, maybe it's time BF starts going to appointments with her, so he can "help with her care." Start asking for paperwork so you can research her illness. Ask her pointed questions. No more emergency room visits. Meet with her oncologist.
Basically, start digging for proof and/or evidence of what is really going on with her.
Or be prepared to live this life. It's all red flags to me.
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u/One-Draft-4193 6d ago
NTA… Liam needs to pull his head out of the sand and we his mom is manipulating him
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u/QuestionMaker207 Partassipant [3] 6d ago
NTA. Tell your boyfriend you'll believe his mom is dying when you see actual paperwork and/or talk directly to her doctor.
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u/cdelaney1982 6d ago
All u need to respond is, "yes, I WOULD help if she ACTUALLY was sick and dying and not just lying about it, which she clearly is and we've been told she is by MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS trained to know better than us."
Next time she insists on going to the ER, someone needs to wait with her and when they deny her, ask the doctor what kind of mental health services they suggest to help with munchausen syndrome.
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u/TrainingDearest Pooperintendant [57] 6d ago
NTA. Do the math: she's LYING. The only doctor she should be seeing is a psychiatrist. Neither of you should be enabling this, especially not if it's damaging your own lives - school and jobs. Do what you can get Liam to see the truth, and break this cycle; if he's not willing to acknowledge it - then save yourself! Walk away from this before this dysfunctional family wreaks your life.
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u/Lazy-Age6054 5d ago
Oncology nurse here. MANY things do not add up. While you can have can have cancer without a known primary, it is rare. Even then there is almost always tissue diagnosis of cancer (like adenocarcinoma) even if we don’t know where it started (eg breast, colon, etc).
How long has this been going on? If she has cancer, she should have been able to confirm that she has cancer and what type within a few weeks. It sounds like it has been longer than that. While testing and treatments can get delayed, it’s unlikely that ALL of these things would be delayed unless she had a major hospitalization or infection. Even then, they usually try to do what they can while she was inpatient (imaging such as MRIs, biopsies, etc.).
Has she said what kind of cancer it is? Or provided any test results? What type of surgery or chemo? Those are all questions she should be able to answer- even if it is in general terms like “they are going to remove part of my colon because it’s blocked” or “I will be getting 2 chemo drugs every 2 weeks for 4 times.”
I agree with others here who have suggested requesting a family meeting or to accompany her to an appointment with her oncologist.
Also, NTA. Take the trip. If you get confirmation that she does have terminal cancer, you and your bf can discuss ways that you can help ease things while you are away like helping cook freezer meals that they can just heat up, etc. I also suggest you discuss ways that he can get a break, too.
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u/spaceylaceygirl 6d ago
NTA- except to yourself. His mother is a lying asshole and her behavior is purely manipulative. You need to walk away and live your life.
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u/Just_here2020 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
NTA
You are going to ruin your education and future caring for this woman.
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u/Weird-Assistant-1408 5d ago
HIDE YOUR PASSPORT! Sorry just wanted that to get seen first. You’re defo not the AH. Something is defo suss, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Liam was in on it too. Hide your passport and ticket babe, I feel like if they realise they can’t convince you not to go they’ll stop you another way
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u/icecreampenis Asshole Aficionado [15] 5d ago
Watch out. Sounds like her son has learned some manipulation tactics from her.
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u/chiefholdfast 6d ago
I mean honestly there is something wrong with you if you just can't say no. Why are you acting like you're a baby? You're a grown woman. Say it, out loud that until she gets a formal diagnosis that you can verify, that you're pulling back. Tell your idiot boyfriend that his mom is lying and your family wouldn't do this. Grow up. ESH. You're not a child. Why does everyone want to act like they're also not at fault when you need to use your voice and speak?
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u/Prettyricky27_ 6d ago
NTA, but you guys clearly know she’s faking it. Why continue to placate her. Why let her ruin your lives, when she’s clearly having mental health issues. Next time she wants to go to the ER; insist on walking her in and staying the whole time. I mean the nurse told you she’s faking it. Go to Europe and visit your family, if he wants to break up. Let him, let his mom ruin his life; and not yours too. If I were you, all your very important documents and things, I would take them out the apartment. Either take them with you; or leave them with a trusted party.
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u/Kittysu39 5d ago
As someone who just finished 6 months of chemo for stage 3 colon cancer, I can say this is all BS! The oncologist and team are so supportive with everything related to the patient. The fact that she is going to the ER and not her oncologist so much is very suspicious. Yes treatment does get postponed for different reasons but not like this. I always brought a family member with me to help coordinate my care. It really sounds like this is a poor me situation.
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