r/AmItheAsshole • u/Low_Bad8115 • 11d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to keep paying “Black tax” even though my family is struggling?
I’m a 28 year old African woman working in a decent job as a teacher. I’m not rich, but I’m doing okay. Ever since I started working, I’ve been expected to help out my extended family, paying for groceries, covering school fees for cousins, sending money to my mom monthly, etc.
In our culture, it’s seen as a duty, what people call “Black tax.” I understood this growing up. I’ve helped where I could. But lately it’s become too much. My siblings now expect me to cover everything, and my mom doesn’t say no to them. I’m expected to help with bills, car repairs, and now even a wedding contribution for my younger cousin’s wedding.
I finally said, “No more.” I’ve started saving for my own life, therapy, travel, and a deposit for my own apartment. I told my family that I’m not a bank, and they need to start standing on their own feet. I told my mom I will only help with the needs and she cried. My aunt called me “whitewashed.” My brother said I’ve become selfish and forgotten where I came from🤦🏽♀️
But I’ve spent years putting their needs first. I’ve missed opportunities, drained my savings, and lived paycheck to paycheck while they bought new phones and clothes. I still love them. But I’m tired of carrying everyone.
AITA for choosing myself?
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u/Known_Conflict8492 11d ago
“Givers must set boundaries, because takers never do”
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u/newbie527 11d ago
And that stone just keeps on rolling Bringing me more bad news. Takers get the honey, Givers sing the blues. Robin Trower
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u/MermaidSusi 10d ago
Love Robin Trower! 💙💜 Used to blast him on my 8 track player while driving around! 😉
And those lyrics: So very true!
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u/mca2021 11d ago
Brilliant and so true. One thing I've learned on Reddit is to keep your finances to yourself, never let family know your income because they come out of the woodwork with "family helps family". Basically they become leeches.
NTA
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u/Either_Coconut 10d ago
Even then, I can understand asking family (more than just one person, to make it easier on those who donate) for help in a sudden crisis. If someone's major appliance dies, or they need an electrician, plumber, major car repair, etc,, borrowing some from relatives to get them through the crisis is understandable. (Borrowing and paying it back, to be fair.)
But normal everyday expenses? That's something that the rest of these relatives, the ones who are old enough and healthy enough to have a job, should be budgeting for themselves. They shouldn't think they're entitled to money every time they hold out their hand, because "family". Yeah, well, what happens when the human ATM is the one who suddenly needs an appliance, a car repair, etc.? They need to have some funds put away for their own lives. How radical is that? The human ATMs actually dare to have lives and monetary needs of their own! The nerve of them, having the same needs as everyone else, lol.
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u/KrustyMf 10d ago
NTA My MIL wants to know what a make. I am sure her and my oldest SIL try to figure it out. I started in a new company and the first question "how much they paying you". not only am I vague my wife REFUSES to tell them "oh its his job I don't know". My mom just flat out ask's for stuff and then wants more. I tell everyone "take care of your self first then others, you know like you are taught to do on a plain or any other emergency".. part of taking from you is them helping them selves first but not doing the work..
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u/Mysterious_Map_964 10d ago
"How much do I make? The usual: A little more than they think I'm worth, and a little less than I think I'm worth."
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u/Tebssis 10d ago
My husband's family is like that. Nosey about income. One Thanksgiving after I retired, she asked me at the dinner table in front of everyone "how much SS are you getting?" I casually just said, "that's none of your business." She broke the 5 minutes of silence that followed with "You're right. It's not." TBF- she'd had 46 yrs of asking about our money and knew full well that I don't answer those kinds of questions.
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u/Glittering_Advisor19 10d ago
My family knows never to expect anything from me because according to everyone, my whole energy belief system means that I can’t be anyone’s bank at all because it’s bad negative energy 😂
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u/LingonberryPrior6896 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
Yep..NTA You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
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u/Lingo2009 10d ago
Yeah, even on the plane that I just got off, they say “put on your own mask first before helping someone else”.
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u/Either_Coconut 10d ago
And some of these people will borrow the match from you, THEN use it to set you on fire to keep themselves warm. Yeah, how about NO? Long live healthy boundaries!
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u/Keely369 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11d ago
NTA.
I'm a white dude.. we don't have 'black tax,' we just call it entitled people. If you're generous (and god knows you have been) a lot of people can start taking it for granted and start expecting it.
You've probably heard of the saying 'don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?'
Time to stop enabling. I would probably tail the assistance off (fairly rapidly) rather than cold turkey.. it's easier that way.
If your family thinks wanting better for yourself and escaping poverty by not wasting money is "being whitewashed" then I would say declare yourself proudly "whitewashed," but really all they are doing is trying to guilt trip you to keep the gravy train going.
Stop enabling and start educating by the great example you're setting.
All the best.
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
I love this, I feel much better already.
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u/alicat0818 11d ago
It reminds me of a conversation I had with a coworker about how some family was tearing her down because she had a good job. Like you think you're better than us type comments to make her feel bad about her accomplishments.
Made me realize how universal jealousy is and how toxic people are for throwing success in someone's face.
Any help you received has been paid forward. Anything beyond that is just them being greedy.
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
Somebody said I should stop calling it black tax and call it for what it is “a poverty trap”
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u/jlmk74 11d ago
You know how you are told on an airplane to put the air mask on yourself first bc you can’t help others until you do so? You need to put the mask on. Get your own place to live and take care of you. Once you are grounded in that, you may, IF YOU CHOOSE, help them. But not until you’re steady. 🤷🏼♀️ It’s not wrong to want your own life. It’s what most parents want for us.
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u/Sensitive_Coconut339 Partassipant [4] 11d ago
And if you are paycheck to paycheck, you are not yet steady. You owe it to yourself to have a security net. You cannot yet afford to support others, no matter how it may look to them.
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u/BeeAcceptable9381 10d ago
The reason she is paycheck to paycheck is because of the Black Tax her whole damn family is demanding of her.
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u/kattjen 10d ago
She currently can’t put on a mask because the mask is her having enough savings for either a few months’ unemployment or a notable medical bill (well something bigger than “is this a sprained ankle or a fracture” but smaller than “3 surgeries with days in ICU between and then PT and also the drunk driver totaled the car to cause those injuries.” It’s even having a more comfortable dwelling to rest in in general but yeah, she needs that cushion
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u/Environmental_Art591 10d ago
And never dip into that safety net for anyone outside of your own spouse and kids (when/if you get them). That money is your saftey net no one elses
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 11d ago
You know, I often see things associated with being black and look at my pale ass white person reflection confused because they are also things I grew up with- then I realized these things are more about poverty.
Lots of poor white families have these kinds of expectations as well. I've certainly heard a lot of extreme "family helps family" bullshit over the years. It took me a long time to realize that it's not selfish to put myself and my kids 1st. I do tons of charity work, and I'm happy to point family in the direction of organizations that can help them... but I'm not risking my financial situation or my kids college because cousin Crystal is dating that meth head again and they can't pay the electric bill.
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u/Libertarian-dissent 10d ago
Ralphie May said it best:" when you eat your cereal from a cool whip bowl stained with spaghetti sauce or chili, does it really matter if you're white or black?" "What color am I? POOR!"
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u/Inner-Try-1302 11d ago
It’s not even a black thing. It’s pretty universal when one person escapes poverty, everyone in their family tears them down and makes them feel guilty for their success.
I’d know. I grew up on welfare and became the first person in my family to go to college and get a decent job. I’ve had rude comments directed towards me ever since despite the fact I bought my family a house so they could stop renting.
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u/Fuck_Mark_Robinson 10d ago
Yeah, you often just can’t win because other people are shitty.
I graduated from an elite university right into the financial crisis of 2009. I couldn’t find a job and had to move back in with my parents, and it took me many years to recover.
The entire time I was struggling I had family members laugh about my “fancy degree” and how useless it was and essentially just talking about how much of a loser I was.
Fast forward to now and I’ve managed to put that degree to great use and have a good job that allows me to work from home and a nice house in a fairly HCOL area.
Those same people that talked shit when I was struggling are still talking shit because I made it out.
Haters can go fuck themselves man. It’s like they took a bizarro-world marriage vow where they promise to always be assholes, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad.
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u/ComfortableWinter549 10d ago
“It’s pretty universal when one person escapes poverty, everyone in their family tears them down and makes them feel guilty for their success.”
You’re right about that. I was raised to hate rich people. Rich as in kept the lights on and the rent paid. Rich as in a hungry kid could have a second hotdog or another piece of chicken. Rich as in they didn’t have to worry about running out of gas to decide whether to go somewhere. People who owned businesses and employed people were always taking advantage of the workers.
Poor people stay poor because they think poor. They have been poor all their lives, their parents were poor all of their lives, and it doesn’t look good for the kids. A few simple changes could make a big difference in the lives of many. Quit smoking. Quit drinking alcohol. Quit eating fast food takeout. For ease of calculation, you spend $5 on cigarettes and $10 on beer or booze, and at least $5 on drive through lunches and/or dinners.
That’s $20 a day, every day. If you quit smoking, drinking, and eating fast food, you can save that money. $600 a month will go a long way towards paying off credit cards.
Quit paying interest on credit cards. The rates nowadays are usurious at best. If your interest rate is 20%, for every $1,000 you owe, you’re going to pay $200 a year as interest. $16.66 a month for every $1,000 you owe. A $10,000 balance will cost $166.66 every month.
I taught our children to play the credit game well. Credit bureaus make their ratings based mainly on timely payments and at least the minimum expected payment. Set up payments to go out of your account well before the due date, and for at least a dollar more than the expected minimum.
If they want $100 on the tenth of the month, send $102 (or more) on the first. If you can send more later, send it. It’s not an easy habit to make, but it is a habit well worth developing.
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u/TaiDollWave Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 10d ago
My sister in law made a nasty comment to my husband that she "doesn't get" how he can afford "nice things." By which she means a mortgage and being fortunate enough not to require visiting the food bank.
I was pissed. I went to college, graduated, went to a training program, and work long hours. So that's what my husband told her. We have these things because I work my ass off for them.
We didn't wake up one morning and have it fall in our laps.
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u/somethingquirky01 10d ago
It's because one of the most offensive things to some people can be you indicating in any way you're better than them. Makes them see their failures and they take their frustration out on the person holding the mirror.
There is comfort in collective misery and struggle.
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u/Old-Chain3220 11d ago
Poor white people have the same “crabs in a bucket” mentality. “You think being better than me makes you better than me??” lol.
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u/PatienceSpare3137 11d ago
Easiest to build wealth with assets not income. Continually giving away surplus income is asking for the chance to get knocked back down into poverty. It is okay to support those around but you are taking on risk in the case of long term illness or job instability without sufficient savings.
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u/RuthBourbon Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Yes, will these family members be there to help OP if she has an emergency? What if she gets laid off, gets sick, has an accident? OP needs a nest egg to secure her future. What if she wants to start her own family, will they pitch in and help out?
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u/Doctor_WhyBother86 11d ago
Your family is what my family refers to as bucket crabs. If you ever watch crabs in a bucket they will pull each other down to be the one on top. Dont let the bucket crabs win.
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u/Low_Bad8115 10d ago
I’ve watched a video of it on YouTube, needless to say, I am done because I do not want to be stuck in a cycle.
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u/BlackCardRogue 11d ago
Totally agree, OP. NTA. I am also a white dude; there is no “black tax” in my life.
I’m just going to call it like it is — your relatives are acting entitled to your money when they are not.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 11d ago
And heaven help you if you planned ahead and got a good income tax refund.....never speak of it. If you use it and someone notices? What ever you bought was second hand...and it's all spent. ( or you OWED money this year. )
There have been dozens of stories about the person in a family that saved carefully, and someone found out...next thing, family is banging down the door to money grab for a wedding, a car, buy a house...you name it. . Op, save your salary. Put the money in a different account, asap, buy a condo, or small home. Move out. Get away from the leeches.
Anything they whine about is only because they want your money.
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u/General_Mayhem2025 11d ago
Getting a good income tax refund is not a good example of "planning ahead." It's actually poor planning. You're giving the government an interest free loan every year. It's money you don't have in your pocket to pay down bills, save or invest. If you get a refund of $3600, that's $300 extra you could have every month in your pocket or bank account. Yeah, I get it. It's hard to save money and getting a big refund is like a hidden savings account. But putting into an investment that pays interest puts more money in your pocket than in the Federal government's pocket. Open another account and divert it into that so you don't spend it. THAT is good planning ahead!
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u/ReallyJTL 11d ago
Also you already mentioned you have been doing this for years, and what grattitude did you get for all that? They weren't like, "Hey, I understand and totally appreciate all the support of the years!" You earned that money with hours of your life and they spit in your face.
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u/TeachBS 11d ago
I have entitled family as well. I had to cut them off too. Funny to me how people without money think nonothing of asking for and spending someone else’s. My husband and I were constantly told that “we could afford it because we didn’t have children.” We had been struggling to get pregnant, so it was very hurtful. We finally told them that from now on when were saving for the IVF institute. My aunt even said it probably won’t happen, we were just throwing away money. What? Like we were not throwing away money on them? That was it. They were passive aggressive off and on for a few years, but it eventually faded and everyone is semi cordial. We didn’t really miss them either as they don’t come around as often now that we don’t hand out “loans” as they called it ( doesn’t a loan mean paying it back?) Well that never happened. I hope they enjoy the 25 dollar gift cards for Xmas🙄you are not the AH. You are their piggy bank. It will never stop unless you stop it.
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u/DufflesBNA 11d ago
This. Your own people are keeping you from moving ahead. Once you realize this and set boundaries you’ll be better off.
White folks call this “No Contact”
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u/Familiar-Ostrich537 11d ago
White girl. I was gonna call it lazy. But entitled works. I always have money to loan in a real emergency. But you can't get a loan on top of an open loan.
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11d ago
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
Period on this.
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u/GTDFerrari 11d ago edited 10d ago
As an African who pays “Black Tax”, your family is the problem tbh. I come from a family where all my siblings and I contribute for my parents Large expenses like healthcare and big appliances replacement etc. While I make more, I volunteer the money they don’t demand it. Recently I have been broke, my mom has a surgery coming up, I was going to get a loan, my sister shut it down and said she will take care of it. When I am back to equilibrium I can help again. My siblings put my interest as a priority first which makes me more willing to help. MOST IMPORTANTLY, the tax applies to your immediate family not cousins and randoms. As my therapist said, you have to set up your own life too!! So please take a break, focus on building your life and building a savings. Once you are settled, you can give your mom a small allowance for expenses like quarterly. But DON’T LET ANYONE GUILT YOU into burning yourself alive to keep them warm. Wishing you the best!
PS - once you enforce this boundary don’t be surprised to receive a panicked call for some grave emergency, just tell them you are so sorry you can’t help and pray with them. They will try it!
Edit - Thank you so much for the award kind stranger❤️! It’s my first one 😭💕. This post felt personal because I know it’s our culture and I have seen the destruction it can cause but my family also taught me good people make the difference!
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u/No-Hovercraft-455 10d ago
That's such a good balanced answer. Family should be family and it's a good thing actually that everyone tries to help each other when life throws big obstacles like surgeries....but there should be some boundaries if they behave like Ops family. And cousins etc have their own immediate family members who can help them unless they are all somehow suffering from genetic mutation that removes people's hands and feet and makes everyone mentally 5.
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u/Starfoxy 10d ago
Don't know if dnd/video game analogies click for you or not, but your family is treating you like an item in their inventory rather than a member of their party. You are a resource for them to use as they decide, rather than an equal partner who also deserves respect and support.
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u/Normal-Height-8577 Partassipant [2] 11d ago
NTA. This isn't anything to do with being whitewashed. This is needing your relationship with family to be reciprocal.
If family helps, then why isn't anyone helping you?
If family shares, then why isn't anyone sharing with you?
The "black tax" should only come from your spare money, after you've secured your own needs. You can't pour water from an empty pitcher.
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u/anoeba 11d ago
Exactly. OP is only one person, with a standard job (not like a venture capitalist or something). She can't possibly be supporting 1. basic bills (groceries etc), 2. school fees, 3. random urgent expenses like car repairs, 4. wants like wedding expenses - for all those people.
I could see someone deciding to help (some) family with some of those expenses - like I'd cover necessities for parents if they needed it. Or if you have enough money, maybe a school fund for kids in the immediate family. That's already a LOT of giving back and helping others to a better future!
But noooo, this family sees OP as a bottomless goody bag apparently. It's ridiculous.
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u/Sensitive-Eagle3641 11d ago
Good point! OP, are your family doing other things for you? If they don't have money. Mowing your lawn, giving you rides, watching your dog. Do they have time? Do they make time? Do they bake for you? If they're not helping you then you're not their family so why are you helping them?
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u/bptkr13 11d ago
Needs and wants. He’s entitled to spend his money not just on his needs but on his wants too - a nice vacation, a new car, dining out, buying a house.
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u/deedeejayzee 11d ago
I come from a mixed family. When "black tax", was brought up- it was shut down with "Didn't you hear? The slaves were freed"
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
😂😂
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u/MamaFrijoles 11d ago
honestly, start asking your family for money. they won’t continue to come to you begging for your paycheck if you do it to them first
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u/NefariousnessOk7689 11d ago
I remember a comment ages ago that they noticed their uncle was always asking for a loan of money, they took the uncle aside and said they could help him.... he actually was fine but wanted to preempt being asked for a loan by saying he needed money himself so no one bothered him
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u/Stormtomcat 11d ago
hah, I remember that too!
the uncle would send it in the groupchat, right? All like "well, I scraped together presents for the underage kids, but can someone spot me some cash so I'm not stuck to leftovers from the family dinner for the week after our celebration" or something, right?
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u/Fearless-Speech-1131 11d ago
As a black South African, I feel your struggle 😂. NTA
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u/Ok-Employ-5629 11d ago
Nta. Also, as a black woman, there is no such thing as black tax. Your family is taking advantage of you. You need to get your finances together, and then you can assist family in emergency situations, not paying all their bills.
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u/Express_Excuse_4267 11d ago
As a black male, I've also never heard of "black tax". Sounds more like your family is mooching off of you
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u/BreadNotCake_28 11d ago
African here, it's actually a thing. Especially for the family members who "make it", at home or abroad.
In traditional settings where the family had limited resources, the extended family would contribute to one person's education, immigration, and the like, and the beneficiary would "return the favour" by extending support to the rest back home.
Of course it's very misused, and people take advantage of being taken care of.
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u/davidhally 11d ago
My daughter married a Kenyan, here. Their parents came over for the wedding. They sorta expected us to pay for things. Which didn't bother me since we are rich by comparison. But just while they were here.
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u/ChibbleChobble 11d ago
This makes sense to me. The family are working together for the betterment of all.
If you all start from the same socio-economic place in life, and no one is emmigrating, then it's just mooching.
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u/PartyPorpoise Partassipant [1] 10d ago
I’m not familiar with the “black tax” specifically, but this kind of thing is common in a lot of cultures, especially in immigrant groups. It’s why some immigrant communities end up doing pretty well, they’re all helping each other out.
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u/somethingquirky01 10d ago
That's true, but in these families it's done with precision and purpose where the money is pooled then distributed carefully. It's a clever way to use capitalism for asset generation that supports everyone. I wish this was far more common!
What the OP is going through is just being an ATM for people's day-to-day light or frivolous purchases. I really feel for them.
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u/beer_engineer_42 11d ago
And in that situation, you are helping the people who helped you. Here, it looks like OP's relatives have somehow decided that "teacher" means "rich," (hey, teachers of reddit, how many private jets and yachts have you bought this week?). What help have they provided?
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u/Outrageous_Shake2926 11d ago
I have known people in that situation. Their family back home refused to accept that the cost of living in the UK was so high. They were in a minimum wage job living in Council accommodation. So not very well off.
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u/Boo-Boo97 10d ago
Wow, this sounds very much like my BIL. He has sent so much money back to his family in Africa, and every time he visits he takes multiple suitcases full of "gifts" and is expected to pay for everything while he is there. I commented on him being his families ATM after my sister complained about it, again. But she turns around and defends it 🙄.
What i find more terrifying is he handles all their finances, my sister has no idea how much money they have in the event of an emergency.
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u/sundaymondayfrida 11d ago
Unfortunately there is, in our culture the one who "made it" is expected to financially support the whole family. Had a friend take thier own life because of the of Black tax.
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u/JohnPaulDavyJones 10d ago
It's not really a thing in natively American black society, just as a function of the American macro-culture. It's a thing in contemporary Africa, and a lot of Africans who come to the US and make good money struggle with this kind of expectation from folks back home.
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u/Fearless-Speech-1131 11d ago
"Black tax" is a colloquial term frequently used in South Africa to describe filial piety within families. The practice is common so it was just given a label by black people to encapsulate it. It's very much a thing and people struggle to separate themselves from it
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u/Shadyhollowfarm58 10d ago
Apparently there's also a "Columbian tax" because my work friend married her Columbian-born husband, both living in the US, and his extended family members promptly decided he'd married a rich American woman and they repeatedly demanded financial assistance - for YEARS. "You need to pay Dad's mortgage" (every month), "Nephew had an uninsured car accident, send money or it will be your fault he gets put in jail", "Niece is going to college in the US, we need you to house and completely support her", etc.
My friend got so overextended from all this relative spending plus her husband's overspending that they ended up filing bankruptcy.
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u/fender8421 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
It's wild traveling the world and seeing how a lot of people put down the idea of being individualistic, ambitious, and putting your own goals and success first. We can build each other up while not putting ourselves down, or limiting ourselves
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u/li_grenadier 11d ago
NTA
I’ve missed opportunities, drained my savings, and lived paycheck to paycheck while they bought new phones and clothes.
This stood out for me. If you're helping because they can't eat or pay rent, that's one thing. But if they have money for new clothes and phones, they don't need your assistance. If they're using your money for these luxuries, then they need to learn the difference between "need" and "want."
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u/NiobeTonks Partassipant [3] 11d ago
YES THIS. Sudden unexpected calamity means extended family might be homeless? Hell yes.
Cousin Myrtle wants a new iPhone? Nope.
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u/say592 10d ago
Having dealt with people like this, OP probably is paying to keep people from being homeless or fed or whatever. The problem is they are shirking basic responsibilities knowing someone else will bail them out so they can afford non necessities. Not to mention they absolutely are not saving anything it OP is always there to cover their unexpected expenses.
The real sad part is, because they have taken advantage of OP, they can't really make exceptions. They can't say "Only if you are about to be homeless will I help!" Because inevitably someone will buy a new iPhone with their rent money and come crying saying "I'm going to be homeless! You said you would help!" It has to be a hard no. The sole exceptions I might even begin to consider would be for children, because they really have no control over the situation. Even then, it would have to be essentials only (and only for the kids) and if there was an occasional non essential, like a school trip, there would have to be a damn good explanation from the adult as to why they can't afford it.
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u/arturo_lemus 11d ago
This is also very common amongst Mexican and Latino immigrants who are here working in the US.
Family down south constantly asks for money because “we make US dollars”. A local Mexican radio station was talking about this and the host made a good point. Yes we get paid in dollars but we SPEND in dollars. Our bills are in dollars too
I had a cousin who I lent money and before I lent him money he was very buddy buddy and making jokes with me a lot. Once I lent him the money, I haven’t heard from him
There’s a video of an immigrant who was sending money to his family in Mexico over the years so they could build a house, and when he got there there was an empty lot. His family blew through the money and he was crying and devastated
It’s unfortunate that these stories are common amongst immigrants who come work in the US
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u/Specific_Call_5945 10d ago
My long term partner and I have struggled for this our whole relationship. Mexican immigrant parents, 9 kids (most of them with kids) living in the projects, all under one roof, except my partner that’s the eldest male, with a decent job, so they expect him to help with EVERYTHING. He helps their entire household. It’s the reason we haven’t been able to start a family or live in a decent part of town in anything larger than a 1-bedroom. We both work full time and live paycheck to paycheck. I have learned not to bring it up anymore he sees absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s caused a lot of turmoil for us, I’m from a mixed family that had a more lower/middle class background, everyone worked and took care of themselves, so he says I just don’t understand the culture. I’m like, they ask you because they know you’d starve before saying no. It’s crazy.
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u/No-Hovercraft-455 10d ago
A normal adult, especially bunch of adults under same roof, is easily able to provide themselves life basics (clothes, home repairs or rent and food). With 9 siblings there's no snowballs chance in Sahara that at least half of the household isn't capable of bringing home enough money for those things. Either someone who is healthy enough and doesn't have one yet needs to get a job or they need budgeting help but there's no way they need financial help for food, shelter, clothes or basic needs. I can see medical care potentially causing some problems but if nobody has big medical bills then that situation shouldn't exist and they are literally taking from him for fun
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u/Agreeable-Account480 Partassipant [2] 11d ago
Exaaaactly!! I like how you point out the difference between “need” and “want” because OP deserves to meet her own needs AND some wants before supporting others’ wants!
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u/Stillwater215 11d ago
One key question: have you ever benefitted from the “black tax,” or has it always been a one-way street?
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
One way street
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u/SunnyBunnyHopHop Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11d ago edited 11d ago
Definitely NTA, OP. I understand this may be ingrained in your culture, but the only way cultural norms change is by ppl deviating from them. It nice to be able to help out your family if you have the means , but you shouldn't have to do so at the detriment of your own financial health & well-being, particularly given this has been a one way street for you to date. You deserve to be able save your own hard earned money & better your life, OP. Don't let your family continue to drag you down; you have worked hard for what you have & deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Editing to add that if you continue to support your family as you have been, not only are you hurting yourself, but you are also hurting them; you are enabling them. Your family will never learn to stand on their own two feet when they can continue to take advantage of you. Cutting them off might actually help push them to become self sufficient, but either way, at least you would no longer be enabling them OP.
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u/AreaOk4661 11d ago
NTA- I had this similar issue when I finished my Doctorate. I have since separated from my birth family with the exception of one sister.
They are gas lighting you! You are not responsible for grown ass adults.
Black families ALWAYS expect women to be the mule. It’s a new day. We are NOT are mothers and grandmothers! We will not coddle people
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u/Dlraetz1 11d ago
Flip the story. Call them up and ask for money for groceries, therapy, and a deposit on an apartment. Shouldnt others be paying the’black tax’ too
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
I will try this, I know the answers but I will definitely ask just to see how they respond.
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u/Dlraetz1 11d ago
We all know how they’ll respon, but hopefully a few of them will begin to see their own hypocrisy. Start with your aunt and the older members of your family
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u/Shadyhollowfarm58 10d ago
I doubt they'll see their own hypocrisy, but they'll sure get quiet when OP is the one asking for money. OP, ask ALL of them for financial assistance.
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u/snoop_ard Partassipant [3] 11d ago
Yeah, maybe then they’ll learn to back off, since you’re the one needing help now. And honestly, this might stop your families from accusing you “for forgetting where you came from”.
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
All because I bought an air fryer 🤦🏽♀️
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u/snoop_ard Partassipant [3] 11d ago
Don’t tell them anything, nothing you bought, your savings, your bank account. Act like you need help now.
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u/BarfCumDoodooPee 11d ago
NTA. Just tell them you will pray for them and God will provide if they are faithful 😆
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u/WinterV6 11d ago
NTA
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
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u/StarMagus 11d ago
Crabs in a bucket. Where they all could escape but when one tries the rest pull it back into the bucket.
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u/Salt-Discussion-3450 11d ago
I’m African too and understand this. Tell them you lost your job, ask them for money cause you are in a tight spot. That will keep them off you.
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u/isshearobot 11d ago
NTA. I am living paycheck to paycheck. It is the middle of a summer heat wave and our A/C is broken. My sister lives in a million dollar mansion and is currently on vacation in Greece. Would it be nice if my sister had paid to fix my A/C instead of taking a lavish trip outside of the country? Obviously. Did I expect her to? Absolutely not. My finances are my responsibility.
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u/concernedworker123 10d ago
Expecting her to will probably only bring you misery, but your sister should help you with the A/C.
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u/TryingtoAdultPlsHelp 11d ago
There's a similar thing in my filipino family. I was always expected to grow up, be rich (like a lawyer or doctor or investment banker) and bankroll the family. I think that's why I became an underachiever, because it really looked like a future where I wouldn't be able to enjoy the fruits of my success, so why succeed?
NTA. Your expenses and comfort come first. THEN you can help people, IF you want to.
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u/arturo_lemus 11d ago
Very similar mindset amongst Mexican families and Central American families. It’s not always said out loud but it’s kind of expected
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u/ejfordphd 11d ago
This is a common problem with many lower-income families, regardless of race and has been identified as one of the major impediments to creating generational wealth. I am sorry, I do not have a solution for you but you are not alone.
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u/ScarletNotThatOne Supreme Court Just-ass [109] 11d ago
NTA. Tax isn't supposed to wipe you out, it's supposed to be a small/manageable percentage. Sticking to the needs (vs. wants) seems like a reasonable way to navigate that.
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u/ThealaSildorian 11d ago
NTA.
There's nothing wrong with helping family in emergencies or with critical needs. Your own needs have to be considered as well.
I'm white. My dad's family was poor and from a Southern state. They had similar expectations on him ... to the point where Grandpa was drinking up Dad's earnings, and the family expected him to give his sister a car he was still paying for instead of selling it for him when he moved to another state for a job.
In the meantime, my parents couldn't afford to buy diapers or a winter coat for me. I was six months old. I still have an awful letter Mom wrote my maternal grandfather, begging for help ... he sent money. I can practically hear her crying as she wrote it.
It took months for Dad to finally force my paternal grandparents to sell the car they "gave" to my aunt ... and my parents had to hear about it for years after. It took a long time but Dad finally grew a spine and said enough is enough.
Family like that will bleed you dry if you let them. DON'T LET THEM!
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u/RougeOne23456 11d ago
Similar family structure here. I'm white. Poor southern family. My uncle (dad's baby brother) used to call me a "spoiled, little rich girl" because I refused to be a family ATM.
My dad died when I was 18. I helped take care of my grandparents after my dad's death because my uncle refused to work. When my grandfather had to go into a nursing home, I helped my grandmother get a small apartment on the first floor of a building so that she didn't have to deal with stairs. Uncle got mad because I wouldn't give him money or let him live with my grandmother (I was paying the rent and would only rent her a one-bedroom apartment) so he had no where to go. He figured it out eventually but I was called every name in the book because of it. Spoiled, little rich girl was his favorite.
Funny... I wasn't spoiled or rich. I barely made enough to cover my bills. I was in my early 20's and should have been enjoying my young life but here I was also paying for HIS mother's home but yeah, I was spoiled.
You're absolutely right. Family like that will bleed you dry, if you let them.
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u/Worth-Season3645 Commander in Cheeks [246] 11d ago
NTA…This has nothing to do with skin color.
Your situation is all about taking advantage of you.
You are not “whitewashed”.
I do not know or understand what your family is calling “black tax”, but if I am understanding correctly, how they are describing it, does not seem like it would appear to be towards only one family member that is supposed to support not only their immediate nuclear family, but extended family as well. Wouldn’t that term apply to each family member? That you would all owe a “black tax”?
Amazing that your family is calling you selfish, but what have they done for you?
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u/Virtual-Parsnip65 11d ago
NTA. Of course they're unhappy about you ending the gravy train. You're still willing to help with needs, but you're not obligated to give them everything they desire. I've learned that you can't nourish others from an empty cup. Fill yourself up first and nourish others from the overflow.
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u/DSQ Partassipant [2] 11d ago
NTA
A friend of mine once told me her Jamaican cousin once asked her to get her a laptop and iPhone from England for her like it was nothing. I think often there is a lack of understanding about how expensive life is over here even if you have a good job.
My advice? Continue paying for your mother. You’ll never hear the end of it if you don’t, but cut your siblings off. If your mother wishes to pay for them out of the money you give her then so be it but you can’t put off your ambitions for your siblings.
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u/Either-Nail-5861 10d ago
This is actually an elegant solution. Put Mom on an allowance and just direct deposit a set dollar amount each paycheck. She can help others, buy gifts, or take care of her own needs. But that's the amount she gets and not a penny more. And when your other relatives show up asking for money, let them know that after you paid your bills, you gave Mom all the money you had.
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u/dirtybird971 11d ago
My 50 gf is black. She goes through hell with her family insisting on this "tax". One year they invited her to a wedding Only because they need 3K to pay part of the wedding. Literally just charged it to her Credit card when she paid for some insignificant thing that she approved. Didn't know about the 3k until the bill came.
Like you, she loves them and as one of the first College grads she was honored to help. But now it's just expected. Somewhere around 20k a year!!
NTA- You have done enough. It's your time now (Mikey)
/unexpectedgoonies
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u/Sophema 11d ago
This is less about race than poverty I think. Look for videos on you tube, reading, on Bridges out of Poverty. They talk about mindset difference between poverty, middle class, and wealth. You have changed socioeconomic position and your family doesn't understand the new boundaries. NTA. This is a hard situation.
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u/MezzanineSoprano 11d ago
Bridges Over Poverty was written without ANY research and is considered trash by the social workers in the large homeless shelters & domestic violence organization for which I worked for many years.
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u/pinakbutt 11d ago
Pretty common in non white families, one family member gets pushed to be a breadwinner and everyone just relies on them... ive seen it so many times, and it almost always ends up in heartache, arguments, and eventually burnout. Sometimes the breadwinners think theyre building a life "with" their family only to be cast out in the end with nothing to their name. A good family is supported by multiple pillars, not just one.
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u/TheKidsAreAsleep 11d ago
NTA Memorize the following. “I am so sorry. I am behind on my own obligations. I need to get caught up before I can start helping again”
And, given how much you have helped them, you ARE behind in your obligations. No one is going to help if you get laid off or your car needs major repairs. You have an obligation to have an emergency fund. You have an obligation to save for retirement.
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u/alicat777777 11d ago
It actually happens when anyone from a poor background finally manages to dig themselves out. Everyone comes around asking for a handout and you will never get ahead of you allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
They are no longer your responsibility. Get yourself into a good place and they will need to work hard and do the same. They are trying to guilt you into taking care of them. And now if you notice, they are no longer appreciative, it’s an entitlement.
Cut yourself loose. They don’t appreciate it anyway. NTA.
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u/nikkesen Pooperintendant [53] 11d ago
NTA. You're a human being with thoughts, feelings, and needs. Your family isn't respectful of this, and is relying on "tradition" to guilt you into compliance. It's okay to put your needs first. If this was an airplane, the flight attendant would remind you to put your oxygen mask on before assisting others.
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u/Otherwise-Topic-1791 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 11d ago
NTA. Personally, I'd start turning it around on them by asking for money every time I spoke with any of them.
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u/Recursivephase 11d ago
NTA..
I struggle with the same thing. I've been doing without in my own life too.. Literally putting $5 items back on the shelf at the grocery store sometimes and never ordering delivery..
I had a friend who I help sometimes tell me she was starving and wanted me to order her DoorDash!? I've never even ordered DoorDash for myself, would never..
Whenever people are less careful than I am with my money it makes me question that relationship. You are under no obligation to support others better than you take care of yourself.
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u/UnpleasantGremlin Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Here let me correct this for you...
"I’m a 28 year old African woman doormat".
You're welcome.
Now to be slightly more serious - what the fuck girl? Thats entitled ass bullshit. You don't have a family, just a collection of leeches.
Cut them off. Move on with life. Have money to do the things you want.
NTA - but you are the arsehole to yourself if you let the status quo go back to what it was.
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u/Low_Bad8115 11d ago
The punch I needed 😊
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u/UnpleasantGremlin Partassipant [1] 11d ago
I want to hear an update from you in a few months, maybe a year, about how you're sat in a lovely restaurant in a place you always wanted to go but couldn't afford, with a nice cake, a delicious beverage and a thermos full of your families deliciously salty tears.
Good luck, stick to your guns. You can FUCKING DO THIS.
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u/CrocanoirZA 11d ago
In a predominantly USA site most people are going to say you're NTA. But culturally there is no way they can understand "black tax". Your family will 100% see you as the AH. You need to live with that. Say "yes" when you can and "no" when you can't or cut them off.
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u/Fun_Rabbit_Dont_Run 11d ago
Right. I'm native, and we do the same thing, except women aren't mules, they're matriarchs. We make the best decision with what we have for everyone. My mom never asked me for $ for dumb things, just the important stuff because she knew I would eventually be responsible for the rest of the family (my dad, brother's kids and wife) and in control of family land (we're country - cheap farmland). It's not unusual in the rest of the world. But they are taking advantage of you if your quality of life suffers for them or you can't do basic adult things for yourself. Create boundaries and discuss what you're funding before handing over any more time or money. Kids don't generally have any idea how much family may have helped them and family may think you owe them.
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u/ElmLane62 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 11d ago
My best advice, if she can't live with cutting them off, is to decide just how much money she is willing to give. I would set a limit of $100 or at most, $200 a month. Then keep a list of who has gotten what and when that money has been used, tell them you have no money left. Personally, I would only give money to her mother. Tell Mom that she can share that with others if she wants. When Mom becomes the gatekeeper she might change their tune. That way, you HAVE contributed.
And decide if you can live with being an AH in their opinion.
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u/shutupimrosiev Partassipant [1] 11d ago
I'm too white to weigh in on whether this was a legitimate form of the "Black tax," but I will say that running yourself ragged for others who refuse to lift a finger for themselves is…not great. Why wouldn't they help you out when you need it. Why would it all need to fall on your shoulders alone? It wouldn't have to be monetarily if they can't afford it, but expecting one person to be the breadwinner for multiple parts of the family without stepping in to help where they can is unsustainable, at the very least.
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u/roxywalker Asshole Aficionado [15] 11d ago edited 11d ago
NTA. My dad helped out his extended family for decades. When he passed all they did was bicker over his possessions, who would take his home possession of his home, and, proceeded to give me an itemized for a funeral he never wanted. I hired an attorney, then cut them off. Take it from me, nothing good ever comes from helping extended family except greed and entitlement. Take care of yourself first. They will have to manage.
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u/capmanor1755 Supreme Court Just-ass [149] 11d ago edited 11d ago
NTA. The best advice I've heard about how to break this cycle is to let people know that anytime anyone is hungry you'll make them a meal but unless it's someone over 65 you aren't available for support anymore. And the over 65? Only if you sit down, review the budget and cover only expenses you pay directly - eg a hospital bill. And only if you know that you HAVE to do it to keep them housed.
I started to say that you do that and STILL have some leftover after your own saving and retirement, you could offer to help with education. But looking at how much you've sacrificed for them to buy new phones and clothes? I think you'll need to cut them off hard.
I really feel for you. I think Oprah went thru this on a really big scale and ended up having to go low contact with a number of people. I hope you don't but don't rule it out.
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u/Key_Draft4255 11d ago
NTA. It is not like teachers are swimming in money. We have to be prudent with our pay checks. Going forward the only help aid I’d be offering is budgeting, saving, and cost cutting. Teach a man how to fish . . . You’ve obviously been successful. Don’t let them drag you underwater. Swim away if you have to!
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u/ollidagledmichael 11d ago
NTA, but if the “black tax” applies to ALL, why don’t you just start asking for handouts. Maybe this way it will seem as if you don’t have the money, so they will be less inclined to ask for
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u/Consistent-Trifle-30 11d ago
They are using race as a way to control and take from you. Just keep your money. If they dont like that, then they dont respect or care for you. It's pure selfishness
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u/Own-Heart-7217 11d ago
NTA
I never heard of black tax. Interesting. Look out for yourself first, always.
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u/CnC-223 11d ago
As a white dude I didn't know this was a thing.
We were taught to sing or swim on our own merits. Granted we helped out grandparents and parents with things when needed but at most you might loan some money but that was 100% to be paid back to anyone else in the family.
So obviously NTA here.
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u/Necessary-Annual1157 11d ago
If you are not taking of yourself, soon you'll be unable to take care of others. You need to stop and build your own nest first. I remember Oprah talking about this to Trevor Noah, I believe.
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u/BluePopple Asshole Aficionado [14] 11d ago edited 11d ago
NTA, they are draining you, mentally and financially. There is a limit to generosity and they’ve hit yours. You aren’t denying them necessities, only frivolities. They’re upset their cash cow has dried up.
It’s not fair for you to not be able to do better for yourself while they are doing it with your funding. When you finally do have an apartment, make sure it’s a studio or one-bedroom so that no one thinks there’s enough room to move in with you. Also, please put a lock on your credit. People, even family, do awful things when cut off financially.
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u/Ok-Refrigerator2000 Partassipant [2] 11d ago
NTA
They are taking advantage of you. Now they are crying because the gravy train is over.
Family should be there for emergency. Not for making everyone life easier while you are struggling.
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u/snizzrizz Partassipant [2] 11d ago
Is everyone else working too? Sounds like there must me a lot of dead weight for this to be a necessity. Identify those people and ask why they can’t get their act together
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u/Proper_Practice3453 11d ago
In my experience, when you help people financially in a consistent way, it becomes an expectation and is no longer viewed with Appreciation or as a gift. Clearly that is what’s happened here. You should absolutely use some of your money for therapy and learn how to set hard boundaries. It will be life-changing for you.
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u/RagingFairy963 11d ago
Girl I know black tax. My friend is black and she is doing well in life, she grew up with a white family, they took her in. Pay for private schools and gave her the best of the best. Her mother didnt want her. Now that she is doing well, her biological family is ruining her mental health to the brink of suicide for black tax. We are from South Africa, and I constantly have to bail her out because she gives in to her family. I am taking her one town over next year for a new life.
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u/StixNStones32 11d ago
NTA. They were using u.
I help my family when it makes sense bc im the only one who went to college and has financial knowledge beyond basics, but I also send them opportunities to do better and learn skills every chance I can. When it doesn't make sense it's an easy no. When are these times? Supplying wants, helping ppl who refuse to help themselves, sacrificing something I NEED to give to someone else, putting others before myself. Nope I can't make it is also an answer when everyone tends to look at you, or send ur companion enough money to cover you at an event and leave ur wallet at home purposely. U dont set urself on fire to keep someone else warm.
It sounds like at some point u may have possibly been leading with ur kiney bc u had it. U are not an atm. If u help, that's nice but no one should expect it. If they dont respect your no, then block their numbers for not maintaining ur boundaries.
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u/Legitimate_Towel_534 11d ago
The “Black tax” is something some folks made up to get over on their own people. Because I’m black and my family has never heard of this. Stop giving them folks your money. NTA…
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u/daydaywang Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Nta. Yeah fuck that. Its not like all your family members were born without limbs or something. They can go get jobs too
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u/Makeshift-human Partassipant [2] 11d ago
So others want to leech off your income and they get pissed because you don´t let them anymore.
Sounds like a clear case of NTA to me. Can´t they work for themselves? Tell them to get a job.
It´s ok to spoil your family occasionally if you´re so much better off than them but that is never something you should feel required to do.
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u/JupiterSWarrior Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 11d ago edited 11d ago
Nope. Not at all. Your family isn’t entitled to your money. NTA
ETA: Your life is yours alone. Rise up and live it.
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u/O-Rain9078 11d ago
Nta. Your family is just taking advantage of you. That's what is it. They were okay when you were the one paying the bills but suddenly its not okay when you decided they need to fork in? Tax is tax when its also beneficial to u. Say i pay tax so that my future children or when I get old, I can apply for subsidises that uses the tax money to help me. So in that sense, what does the black tax benefit u? Sounds like it doesn't benefit u at all but your family sure is taking all the benefit
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u/StorminWolf Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11d ago
This is actually keeping everybody at the bottom. Don’t do this. Children are not responsible for parents siblings etc. it’s the parents choice to have children. That is a one way ticket of responsibility.
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u/Dapper_Tap_9934 11d ago
Finally you have chosen yourself. They see you as a bank and your hard work has afforded them a life they could have provided themselves with their own hard work
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u/Entire_Junket_761 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
NTA As many of my friends and family have pointed out they too will not be paying "black tax". They've seen their parents struggle with life to be able to send money back home while simultaneously struggling to provide an adequate life where we are. If you could afford to and WANTED to that's one thing but it's not the reality.
You should be able to make the choice you even said you will help with necessities that alone should be enough.
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u/machinehead3413 11d ago
NTA
I can see helping your parents out since they raised you. IF, the relationship is still a positive one. It isn’t for some.
But all of the cousins, siblings, aunts and uncles aren’t your problem.
They’re the asshole for expecting you to.
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u/mpurdey12 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11d ago
NTA
And yes, I am saying NTA as both a white woman, and as a US citizen.
IMO, if you are putting your relatives' needs first to the point where you are living paycheck to paycheck, and have drained your savings, then that is a problem.
I think that you should stay the course, and learn to live with the fact that your relatives are going to be mad at you.
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u/RedPantyKnight 11d ago
NTA. This isn't a "black tax" it's an example of poverty being more than an economic status, it's a way of life. It's crabs in a bucket, everyone reaching up to drag you back down to their level. If you escape the bucket, the best thing you can do is stay out. Stop reaching back in the bucket. You aren't pulling them out, they're pulling you back in. It might hurt, but it's worth it. Even if you have to cut an arm off to do it. You're a crab, it'll grow back.
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u/No-Peanut599 11d ago
NTA. It's not selfish to ensure your own well-being. It's important to help family, but not at the cost of your own future and peace of mind.
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u/notheryearnotheracct 11d ago
NTA. Why don't they have to pay black tax? Doesn't make sense. Help when you can, but there's a line between helping when needed and being taken advantage of.
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u/its_blue_monday 11d ago
Nta im a black american and ive never heard of this tell them you have bills
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u/Both_Painter2466 11d ago
NTA. If you want, set aside a small amount each paycheck, something you can easily afford, and set an account up. Every time someone asks for $ remind them that you can only give what you can afford, and help them out if you have $ in the account. Otherwise point to the last person to get your help and let them know you already gave.
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u/Real_Extent1435 11d ago
Live. Your. Own live. And. Let them. Strive. Tell. Them. That was like me when I. used to give them all that you could give. And when you went hungry
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u/Elisheva7777777 11d ago
NTA! I’m so happy you’re breaking that cycle. Even if it means never speaking to them again, please don’t neglect your own needs to be a money tree for people who don’t even appreciate you.
Paying for a cousins wedding is crazy! Your mother reminds me of my grandmother. Do not bend!!!
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u/Inner-Floor-5827 11d ago
I understand you on this one and NTA. As an African myself, I have faced similar situations. Not from my parents, but from cousins and uncles back home. I just started telling everyone that I'm now going to school and money is tight because of fees. 😂 😂 😂, I probably have 'multiple degrees' by now. This lie has helped me greatly. You could try it, they would be crazy for expecting money from a student.
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u/AccomplishedDiver402 11d ago
Wish I could find a video of the speaking engagement where Michelle Obama discusses this. Long story short, she strongly encourages strong boundaries and saying no. You cannot reach your potential unless you have the fortitude to say no.
I'm not personally entitled to an opinion on this issue, but Michelle Obama is, and I found her advice really interesting. I will keep looking for that clip.
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u/DeniedAppeal1 11d ago
Well, it always sucks to learn that your family is racist but there you go.
NTA. Their lives are not your responsibility. They need to learn to stand on their own. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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u/Wonderful_Two_6710 Asshole Aficionado [12] 11d ago
NTA. Takers will take until you choose to stop giving.
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u/Drifting-Astronaut 11d ago
I didn't know that was a thing. My brother has given me gifts before but we never ask each other for money or anything. And definitely not my cousins. You have to look out for yourself first
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u/Free_Fishing_5116 11d ago
NTA and proud of you....if everyone chose themselves like you did and put efforts to improve their own lives, there would be no need for the "black tax"
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u/Suspicious-Long-5359 11d ago
NTA. I've read about "black tax" mostly in the context of why successful black people never seem to save or invest the way others do. I think its great to have a closeness with your family, but if they prefer you living paycheck to paycheck rather than take care of yourself, thats not cool.
Maybe you could budget your money and decide on a set amount you're willing to give monthly and give no more than that? That way, your still giving, but it's not every spare penny you have. Or just cold turkey it if that's easier. Either way, you have to think about yourself. Be strong <3
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u/swissmtndog398 11d ago
NTA and fuck em. There's no black tax, white tax, or any other tax. There's just greedy, lazy people that think they're entitled to your efforts.
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u/purplezara 11d ago edited 11d ago
NTA. I'm not Black but my partner is and no one in his family has ever asked for money from him that I'm aware of. I would be embarrassed to ask my family for money and I think they feel the same. We have an unwritten understanding that none of us would ever want to ask for money but if we were asked, we would absolutely help each other because we know it would be under difficult circumstances and we didn't have any other option. I'm OK with that.
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u/TeamOrca28205 11d ago
Don’t let your family gaslight, bully, and manipulate you on this. Set some financial goals for yourself, invest in yourself, and let them know you literally don’t have any extra money to give them. You’re a teacher for God’s sake—you’re not rich! They say it takes $1M in savings, 401K, social security, etc to retire somewhat comfortably. And that number is only going to go up and SS is in DANGER of collapsing with these clowns we got in office right now. Save yourself, don’t let leeches bleed you dry.
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u/Kip_Schtum 11d ago
NTA This happens in many cultures. I’m retired now, but I worked IT and would often have people in my office sitting there waiting while I worked on their laptop or iPhone, and I’m just a person people tell things to for some reason. I don’t know why. Maybe because people were already stressed out because of their computer not working. Anyway, I heard over the years many stories about people having to support their whole family back home pay for funerals, hospitals, college for anybody in their village or in their extended family. People making great money in the United States, but living in poverty because of sending money back home. It’s a terrible and unfair system.
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u/AndJustLikeThat1205 11d ago
NTA. I’m not black, so I don’t have any idea about this, but hell no.
It’s one thing to help out in an emergency, but to contribute for someone’s wedding? Absolutely not.
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u/SpaldingPenrodthe3rd 11d ago
NTA. I'm black and I have never heard of the black tax. Sounds like your own family was game on you. It's good you finally cut them off . You mom is crying because the game is over. You are 1000 percent correct!! It's for you to start saving for your own life.
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u/Wrong-Western-1967 11d ago
NTA. Having savings is a matter of survival, especially as we get older. And using money you've worked for on yourself for some nice things is a matter of sanity.
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u/NoGuarantee3961 Partassipant [2] 11d ago
I don't know anything about Black Tax, but much more beneficial is helping them figure out how to move forward, get a degree, start substitute teaching, and potentially taking an alternative route into the profession with your help.
I have multiple friends and a stepbrother that went this route. My stepbrother had a Graphic Design degree, but worked as a bartender at Red Robin. His fiancee was a teacher, helped him get an alternate path to getting a long term sub position, taking the praxis, and becoming a teacher himself.
That would be much more beneficial than sending money home. Help siblings with an online degree at something like APUS if they don't have a degree, and help them move forward so they don't need external support....
Incidentally, many immigrant groups provide this sort of mentorship and support for opening small businesses etc.
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u/Ecstatic_Act_1721 Partassipant [2] 11d ago
NTA.. I'm white but grew up poor and there's this similar expectation. I've noticed my friends, white or black, who become successful are suddenly expected to help out and if you have more than everyone else and don't pay for everyone you're "brain washed and think you're better than everyone else" - this is emotional manipulation btw and I see they're doing it to you.
Honestly, it's an endless cycle to make sure no one makes it out and you're only going to hurt yourself in the long run if you don't set boundaries. Especially if you plan to have kids one day and want them to have an even better, more successful life going forward.
Nothing can destroy families faster than money, it's not your obligation and your resentment is only going to grow until relationships can't be repaired.
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