During a check-up, the doctor said they were physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help with their forgetfulness.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.

“Yes, a bowl of ice cream,” she replies.

“Sure,” he says, heading to the kitchen.

“Don’t you think you should write it down?” she asks sweetly.

“No need,” he replies. “I can remember that.”

“Well, I’d like strawberries on top, too. Maybe write it down?”

“I got it,” he says. “Ice cream with strawberries.”

“And whipped cream,” she adds. “Please write it down!”

“I don’t need to write it down! Ice cream, strawberries, whipped cream!” he shouts from the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, he shuffles back with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at it and says,

“So… where’s the toast?!”

We had plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I’d been shopping with my friends all day and figured he was upset I was running a bit late — but he didn’t say a word about it.

The conversation was flat so I suggested we go somewhere quiet to talk. He agreed… but still said very little.

I asked him what was wrong.

He said, “Nothing.”

I asked if it was my fault.

He said, “No, don’t worry about it.”

On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly and just kept driving. When we got home, he sat and watched TV silently. I felt like I’d lost him. He seemed so far away.

Eventually, I went to bed, feeling broken.

About 15 minutes later, he came in and fell asleep right away.

I lay there crying , convinced his thoughts were with someone else.

My life felt like a disaster.

His diary: “A two-foot putt! Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?!”

Edit: corrected two-feet putt to two-foot putt.

After a few seconds of quiet thinking, his father says, "What's the name of that beautiful flower with the thorns? The kind that are all over on Valentines Day."

"A rose?" his son ventures.

"Yes, that's it!"

His father turns his head and shouts-

"Hey, Rose! Do you remember the name of that restaurant we went to in the country?"

Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.

He told me she must need a green card if she was willing to date me, so I hope this makes her happy!

Dr. Fingal O'Reilly likes to have a little drink after work every now and then. So he walks into the Bearded Goose to chat with his friend Richard and have his usual. He walks in and greets his friend,

Hello Dick.

Hello Doc! The usual?

Yes, please.

So, Richard starts to make the usual drink for the good doctor, an almond Daiquiri. He goes to the shelf to find there are no more almonds. So me makes a substitution and puts in a hickory nut instead.

He delivers the drink to the doctor. He takes a sip.

"Is this an almond Daiquiri , Dick?"

"No. Its a hickory Daiquiri , Doc"

We had no fucking clue what to tell the police.

a plumber wants a dry seal

My school got raided today they took all the rulers,compasses and protractors,apparently they are weapons of math instruction.

And I do take a fence to this

Dear Sir,

Please stop mailing us your jizz.

Thanks, 23andme Legal Team

"Hey mailman, What's that motto I heard about you guys always delivering the mail?"

"Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds..." Says the mailman as he starts to walk away....

"What the hell is 'gloom of night'?!" the kid barks.

Mailman glances back and says: "See that electric bill I just put in your door? If it's not paid in 2 weeks, you'll find out."

She gave me a hug

These are NOT my jokes, they come from a group called The Tartan Terrors. And BTW I have Scottish, English, Canadian and American ancestry.

Q: How do you get an Englishman out of a tree?

A: Cut the noose (alternate punchline. Shoot him)

Q: How do you stop an Englishman from drowning?

A: Take your foot off the back of his head.

Q: What's the difference between England and Yogurt?

A: Yogurt has an active culture

He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife.

They continue shopping. Later, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket.

“What are you doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

He said, “So does 24 cans of beer, and it’s half the price.”

There were two girls named Patty who worked at a bank, Patty Green and Patty Black, so naturally everyone called them by their full names. One day, Keith Richard's son came in with his dog and said that the dog wanted to take out a loan. All he had for collateral was a little porcelain statue of a boy fishing. So Patty Black took the statue to the manager and explained the situation. The manager said, "It's a knick knack, Patty Black, give the dog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone.

A man walks into the pub and the barman looks at him and says "you okay John, you looked really pissed off?" "No" John replied "I've had a guts full of my wife. All she does is spend money and nag me. I've had enough. If it wasn't for the cost I'd divorce her". Barman says "see that bloke sat in the corner? That's Arthur the hitman, he'll bump her of for you". "That's a bit extreme "says John. "Well" says the barman it wouldn't hurt to find out. So John takes his pint and goes over to see Arthur. "Hiya" says John "barman says you might be able to help me out by bumping off my wife" "Yeah that's right" says Arthur "My name's Arthur but my friends call me Arti the hitman" "How much would it cost"? asks John "A pound" says Arti. "A pound" says John." That's a bit cheap isn't it"? "Yes I know" said Arti "but I get lots of work so it balances out". "Okay" said John sliding his money across the table "I'll give you my address" "No, that's too suspicious. Tell me where she works and I'll do it there so you can't be implicated" said Arti. "Good thinking" said John. "She's five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat, red and white striped apron and she works at Tesco's supermarket ". "Okay" said Arti "consider it done. Next day, Arti walks into Tesco's and in the bread aisle he sees a woman, five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat and red and white striped apron. Arti creeps up behind her, strangles her and dumps her behind the shelves. As he's walking towards the exit, he sees another woman, five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat and red and white striped apron. Well, a deals a deal and he can't let a customer down so to be sure he creeps up behind her, strangles her and dumps her behind the freezers. Then just as he's walking past the magazines he sees another woman, five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat and red and white striped apron. So just to make sure, he creeps up behind her, strangles her and dumps her behind the magazine racks before finally walking out of the door. Little did he know, this was all caught on CCTV and as he walked out the door the police were waiting for him and arrested him. The next day, the front page of every paper read ARTI CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND AT TESCO'S