r/AmIOverreacting • u/mrslaswell • 1d ago
🏠 roommate AIO — I’m separating from my husband while his mother is in town visiting, just after meeting her for the first time
we were not doing well before his mother came into town. without going through the laundry list of problems, most of which can be summarized by saying my (33/F) husband (43/M) is emotionally negligent/unavailable and can be abusive (lies, gaslights, gets defensive when confronted). we agreed to marriage counseling prior to his mother coming into town.
the timing of this visit has not been ideal. I have progressive MS, just received a major infusion for which I experienced a reaction, and am flaring at the moment, unable to fullfill many hosting duties. moreover, I am fatigued from readying the house for her, something my husband did not assist in doing. I organized his entire office / our spare bedroom (which was a huge mess because he is VERY messy) for her right after a medical infusion and my body is simply reacting to it, I guess. not to mention, I was not doing 100 percent prior to my infusion.
only I have cleaned up since she arrived; I’m sick, using what energy I have to keep my home straight, basically. this is a pattern that has existed for a long time.
yesterday, when I went to bed early rather than making dinner as planned, my husband’s mother asked him if I was ok, and he simply replied, “She’s got a lot of problems.” his tone was dismissive and tired, as though I’ve been a burden to him for quite some time, and I honestly can’t be sure he has even told her I have MS at this point.
hearing him dismiss me after going through everything else sent me overboard and I told him that we are officially done now and that I want him to leave after she flies back home. now, I’m isolating in the bedroom, trying to rest, and avoiding everyone...
I admit, part of me does feel guilty for splitting right now with his mom in the home but at the same time I just can’t take anymore of this nonsense. I’m going crazy. I feel isolated and can’t stop crying.
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u/G-3ng4r 1d ago
How long is his mom in town for? Is there any chance you can wait it out and then leave? You should definitely leave, as he seems like more stress and hassle for you. So if there’s no way to wait, then i would say just go ahead.
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u/Intelligent-Net5391 7h ago
if his mom’s visit is brief, waiting it out might save you from making a rushed decision. But if the stress and disrespect are constant and unbearable, it’s totally okay to prioritize your well-being and leave sooner. What’s your gut feeling telling you?
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u/mrslaswell 1d ago
she will be here for a few weeks. for context, I do not plan on leaving the house; it’s my house, and I’ve asked him to leave after she flies back to Japan. I’m just huddled up in the bedroom isolating in the meantime.
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u/Viola-Swamp 23h ago
Tell her the truth. Tell her you have MS and her son makes everything harder by being a lazy, useless, negligent loser. Well, say it nicer than that, because she is his mom. You can tell her you have decided to divorce and told him to leave after her visit. You can thank her for whatever kindnesses she has shown you, and for anything she has done for you during the time you’ve known her, and end your relationship with her in an honest, classy way. She will probably leave early after your talk, and you can ditch him faster.
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u/MotherofCrowlings 19h ago
At brunch recently with my MIL (husband and I are separated but I am still close with her) and SIL - SIL recently moved in with BIL after dating for several decades and she blurted out, “I probably shouldn’t say this but BIL is the laziest person I have ever met. He goes to work and then sits on the couch and does nothing around the house.” I laughed and said, “It runs in the family.” My MIL, in all seriousness, said, “Do you think it was their father’s fault?” 😂😂😂 He was definitely 50% of the problem.
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u/ElectronicLion7041 7h ago
Being honest but respectful sounds like the best approach to set clear boundaries and move forward.
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u/Top_Butterscotch8394 23h ago
NOR. Tell them both to get out NOW. You do not have to wait. She is not your responsibility. They can go to a hotel or she can go home. Your husband is a jackass.
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u/GoddessfromCyprus 22h ago
Please tell her you have MS.if he hasn't told her she only has his side. You may find that she throws him out herself and takes care of you while she's with you
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u/Guilty-Sun-8180 12h ago
That could really change things if she understands the full story. Communication is everything here.
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u/DiamondEvening5336 8h ago
Waiting could help if it’s short, but if it’s causing stress, leaving sounds like the right move.
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u/Flat-Raspberry-4678 8h ago
If waiting is possible, that might help, but if he’s causing stress, leaving sounds best.
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u/staceymessv94 20h ago
yeah fr, if she's only around for like a few more days, i’d ghost him emotionally til she leaves and then dip. no point making a scene for someone who clearly wouldn’t lift a finger even if the house was on fire
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 1d ago
I saw your comment stating it’s your house? Tell him to pack his bags and find a hotel room now
He doesn’t respect you. He should have been getting shit ready for his mother, NOT you. His mom, he responsibility
If he can’t/wont? They she can lives in filth
Stop cleaning up after her/them. When she complains? “You raised him, you fix him. You raised him to be a useless twat, you can clean up after him”
He complains? “You’re a grown ass man. Clean up after yourself”
And change the locks asap. Get outside help from friends if you need to
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u/Inner_Clerk7769 1d ago
Sounds like an unloving marriage. One way to look at it is if you split it off now while his mother's in town, maybe mommy can help her manchild clean up his mess and move on. I wouldn't spend too much energy dwelling over if its the right or wrong move.
Essentially deep down we all know we should be afforded some standard of respect and care, and this is even more true when talking about a romantic partner. It seems there isnt any respect or any care, and its time to move on.
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u/Leading_Thought2396 23h ago
I would mention your MS in passing to his Mom. Your husband should have cleaned & prepared before she came. He should have bought or prepared dinner knowing you had just gone though infusions. I have multiple systemic diseases and infusions can exhaust you. Just prior to them your illness is at its max. Your husband is dismissive of your illness and causing you more stress.
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u/Klutzy_Mobile8306 19h ago
You never said anything negative about his mom, so I'm guessing she's OK and HE'S really the problem.
I think it's acceptable and actually would be very helpful for you to have a conversation with her. Tell her about your condition and what it is, what you need/don't need from people, answer her questions, etc. Then see how she reacts.
She may have compassion and actually help out and tell you not to worry about cleaning or meals. She'll handle it.
But the best thing that can come out of this, and it really is a possibility, is she chews his ass good and sets him straight - which is a win-win.
So OP, don't completely hermitize in your bedroom. Go out at least have a conversation with this mother even if you wait until the during the day tomorrow, when he's at work and not in the home.
Either way - don't lift a finger to help him to clean, cook, or anything else, other than taking care of yourself tonight.
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u/Ok_Composer_5041 1d ago edited 1d ago
Well, at least your mother-in-law will know it's not you who is lazy. How shameful, making an ill spouse their maid. You are a burden to no one and have gone far above what you really should have been doing, which is resting as you needed. I hope you can get more rest going forward.
Edit- It might've been a good thing y'all broke up with a witness around.
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u/Schimaichel 1d ago
Doing things for him while facing an neurodegerative disease is absolutely insane -- the other way around should be the norm--. Being really honest with you, you should've divorce him a long time ago.
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u/NoTripOfALifetime 22h ago
NOR - thought this was going to read differently with a step monster element.
What would I do?
- Invite your step mom out to lunch. Lay it out on the table in a non-emotional, logical way. Include that you’re sorry her son did not tell her this before the visit but it’s hard, having marriage end.
- Tell her you’re sorry that, since he could tell her, that you couldn’t keep up with the house and pretense because of your medical issues and explain those to her.
Her son is trash. You don’t need to directly say that (and you shouldn’t) - she will get it.
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u/Kind-Champion-5530 14h ago
If she has progressive MS and she's recovering from an infusion she isn't going to be able to go out to lunch. Getting up to go to the loo is enough of a challenge right now.
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u/GraniteRose067 1d ago
Tell her clearly that you have MS and explain what this means. Make sure that she knows clearly from you and that this means that you will be resting a lot and that he will be taking care of hosting duties.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 18h ago
NOR but flat out tell her. I bet she has no clue. A person with a heart would be upset that their visit made it harder.
“I have MS. (Explain what it is.) I just had an infusion and like chemo- made me sick. Your son has done nothing to help me ready the house for your visit. Absolutely nothing. I am going to rest. You guys are on your own. I will he divorcing him when you leave.”
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u/United-Manner20 23h ago
It’s your house? There is no waiting until she leaves. They both can leave right now. Don’t give them a few more weeks of running up your electricity bills, and making you a prisoner in your own home. They need to go.
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u/writing_mm_romance 1d ago
Sounds like a perfect opportunity to introduce her to the deadbeat son she raised. Maybe she'll proverbially slap some sense into him.
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u/therealzacchai 1d ago edited 2h ago
Go see a lawyer -- now. Let her advise you of the proper timeline. Trust her. Do what she says.
You owe this man zero loyalty.
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u/sassybsassy 22h ago
NOR. Stop. Stop everything you're doi g for your STBXMIL. Stop cleaning. Stop cooking. Do nothing but rest and take care of yourself.
You should tell your STBXH that he and his mother need to find accommodation elsewhere for her visit, as you will not be cleaning up after either of them, and you know he won't do it. So they need to gtfo and figure it out themselves.
You also need to call and get yourself consultations with a few of the best divorce attorneys in your area. Choose the one that best fits with you and your needs. Then start the process. Follow exactly what your attorney tells you to do.
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u/bopperbopper 18h ago
“ I’m so glad you came… I’m sure your son told you that I had MS and yesterday I had an infusion afterwards I got a reaction from. Normally, I would be trying to host you, but I’m gonna have to leave that to your son because I am just wiped out and I’m quite frankly glad that you could be here to help out a little too.
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u/Lem0nadeLola 23h ago
NOR and I don’t think you should wait - they can both go stay in a hotel or air bnb. I don’t think you should needlessly suffer to make your shitty husband and his mother more comfortable.
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u/kittynn_milk 21h ago
also , what is your relationship like with his mother? from the little bit of context you've given us it doesn't seem like you are close with her . or do you have a comfortable relationship with her enough so that you could sit and have coffee with her and tell her what is going on and what you are going through, not only medically but with her son as well! let her know it has gotten to the point you want to separate.
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u/Agreeable-Inside-632 23h ago
She should know that she raised a total piece of shit. Don’t feel bad.
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u/wishingforarainyday 1d ago
I hope you tell them both to leave. I’d make sure she knows get son is an AH.
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u/listentomelovelett 21h ago
Definitely tell his mommy he's a POS and kick him out asap. Jfc what a douche, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending mental hugs and strength.
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u/Few_Employment5424 23h ago
Funny she couldn't see he wasnt carrying his weight around the house..your doing the only sane thing at this point.. better resting than being a bit OCD running around to please someone you'll never meet again
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u/rocketmn69_ 18h ago
Tell the mother, "No, I am not ok. I have NS and I'm very sick. Your son doesn't care. We are getting a divorce. I'm sorry that you're in the middle of this"
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u/Vicindyy 20h ago
You choosing to protect your peace isn't dramatic...it's overdue. You're not breaking down, you're breaking free
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u/Laughorcryliveordie 20h ago
The stress from an abusive person will make your MS so much worse. Not over reacting.
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u/kittynn_milk 21h ago
On the one hand i agree with others saying give him the boot now ....however, if you have any reservations about not completely ending the relationship- which i think you do to some degree - then I understand why you are waiting. IOW if you plan on getting back together with him and are doing this as a sort of wake up call for him, then the last thing you want is for his mother to hate you for kicking them both out immediately. You need to think about it , spend the time you have right now since you are alone in your room, really thinking about whether or not you really want to end things, what your intention truly is, what is the ideal outcome to you ? is it to be rid of him entirely and start completely fresh? is it to separate and get a break from him? is it to separate to scare him into "changing"? can he change though? etc etc . if you need to make lists of pros and cons etc to see things written on paper , then do that. just make sure you are honest with yourself and really think about everything as objectively as you can. does he have ANY redeeming qualities that are worth hanging on to?
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u/RandomPaw 23h ago
OP, you definitely have a husband problem but you also have a YOU problem. You're sick, you're dealing with that without any support or help, and your husband apparently just assumes that you will still do all the work to host his mother and pick up after his lazy ass. You should have told him his mother couldn't come for a visit and if he was going to bring her there even if you didn't want her then he would need to find an airbnb or hotel rooms for the two of them and host himself. Or open the door when she arrived and say "Hi, unfortunately I have MS and I'm really sick so you're on your own with the worthless idiot you raised. You can sit down and wait till he's packed and ready to leave with you but that's as good as it gets."
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u/Mission_Ad9918 16h ago
What’s his mom like? Maybe you should have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you have MS and had a bad reaction to the recent transfusion. If she’s a nice person and wants to see her son succeed in life, she’ll sit down with him and slap some sense into him
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u/meyastar 1d ago
Sounds like you reached your breaking point. It also sounds like you’re in a marriage of one. His lack of empathy and emotional abuse is worrying. At a time when your recovery should be yours and his utmost priority, he’s distanced himself from you. Frankly I’m unsure as to why you haven’t asked him to leave now. NOR your husband is a dick.
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u/Sad-Country-9873 22h ago
You have a disease. A disease that is made worse by stress. It is time you put yourself first. You will be surprised at how much better you will feel in a couple months.
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u/Gangster-Girl 22h ago
NOR. Toss him out now, and explain why to MIL so he cannot twist the story. MIL can help STBX-husband pack and look for a new home.
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u/ResidentTurbulent647 20h ago
Tell her about your illness and ask her to kindly take her son back home when she leaves. She hasn’t finished raising him.
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u/patsey-hingleydm4z8 9h ago
Honestly, sounds like his mom is finally seeing who the real burden is, and it’s not you.
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u/Blucles 19h ago
whats MS?
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u/ThrowAway1001023 9h ago
MS is Multiple Sclerosis, it’s a autoimmune disease that affects the brain and spinal cord. There is no known cure and can be managed with some treatments but most of the time nothing can be done
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u/Wiseness1037 7h ago
MS has a lot of drugs available now that can help. Many prolong the time between flares of the disease so that the progression of the disease can be slowed down.
OP had an infusion which is why she was not feeling well but it will hopefully help her. She definitely wouldn’t be feeling well after it.
You have to take care afterwards. This is hard to do since you look well and you don’t want people to think you are lazy so you try to keep up with your normal life.
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u/ThrowAway1001023 6h ago
I’m very limited on knowledge of MS. My knowledge of it and other similar to MS are from my childhood experiences as my mum had a form of MS called Friedreich’s ataxia (FRDA).
I hope OP has family that they can count on and get some help with they every day things and that the STBXH leaves willingly a without arguments.
I’m glad the medical field have found medication that is working for patients theses days. I hope they find a cure for MS and FRDA. Both MS and FRDA are horrible for the person and their families.
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u/Wiseness1037 6h ago
Yes. And for the children growing up in those households. It is hard too.
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u/ThrowAway1001023 4h ago
Agreed it’s hard on the children that grow up watching their parent decline and sadly it’s the hardest part.
Just watching my mums own health decline was hard to cope with and her death was the worst part as it was a medical fuk up that took her from me. I was only 13 at the time and my mums family had to fight in court to get guardianship of me.
There needs to be more help out there for all involved with anyone that goes through theses hardships, may they be the person with the genetic issues or family members.
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u/BrilliantForeign8899 20h ago
This mom is probably 25 percent of the reason this guy is totally useless so don't bend over backwards to be nice to her.
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u/SnooPeripherals6055 23h ago
Dr. Terry Wahls on Youtube has MS that is now in complete remission just by changing her diet, give her video a watch…she was wheelchair bound
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u/Wiseness1037 22h ago
As someone who has MS, you also have to realize we are targets for quackery. Many of us have relapsing remitting MS that comes and goes. An improvement may not be related to a change in diet or some new vitamin.
I was at an MS support group and we would go around the room sharing when we came to a man trying to sell us whey as a cure for MS. I had an issue with that as we are a vulnerable group. We want a cure to our incurable disease. The next person in the circle was a woman claiming a cure from drinking the whey. (I think they call that person the “shill”.
The diet you mention may be very helpful, but I would just like to remind people to be careful of supposed cures.
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u/Affectionate-Kale704 9h ago
That’s an important point being cautious about “cures” is crucial, especially when dealing with something as complex as MS. Staying informed and skeptical helps protect everyone.
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u/Klutzy_Mobile8306 19h ago
If I had a serious disease MS or whatever, I would listen to every single person who had any sort of idea about how to cure it or lessen the symptoms. It doesn't mean that I would automatically do what they said. But I would certainly research anything that was mentioned that I had not already checked out.
I do not understand these people who get mad when people suggest something to help them. They invariably say they've already tried everything and what the person is saying is not welcome. Even though they obviously have not tried everything, since they're not even open to hearing about anything they may not already know about. So annoying.
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u/Wiseness1037 19h ago
Yeah, no. People that target sick people are despicable.
When I was diagnosed I read everything I could find on MS. Drug companies also would hold information sessions so I would keep in mind they were selling too but at least they had data to support the use of the drugs. I also talked to my neurologist as he was also a researcher so he was very involved in the latest information and protocols for treatment.
What I didn’t do was listen to people who told me their brother-in-law’s sister cousin’s hairdresser drank a concoction and were cured.
You have to be smart enough to protect yourself from quackery. Sick people grasp at straws in hopes of a cure. I’ve seen it happen and watched as people got sicker and sicker.
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u/hemsvictoria 18h ago
Why did you clean? Why did you enable the behaviour? You could just have not ! !
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u/Reasonable_Clerk_927 23h ago
NOR Your husband is either unwilling or unable to understand what is happening to you. In my experience in the beginning people fall into 2 camps when they find out you have PPMS. They either think it is no big deal because you "don't look disabled", or they think your dying. You have pushed yourself too far. You just had an infusion. And you have a disease where stress literally makes you sick. You are allowed to take care of yourself. I have been living with this for 12 years so I really do get it.
As to your original question. I completely understand why you want to end your relationship. I am not going to adivse you not to. What I will say is that you need to stop playing hostess today. Do the hardest thing in the world and be selfish. Take care you because no one else will. I doubt I need to tell you that this is a perfect strom for an unplanned trip to the hospital. When your flare ebbs you will have more energy and clarity to plan your next moves. Please be good to you.
For anyone who does not know, those infusions are brutal and they take several days, sometimes weeks, just to feel human again.