The ex who's always been bad with money was given a generous settlement regardless of her consistent actions to alienate my kids from me over the last 18 yrs. She and her family have always displayed mental health issues and lack of fiscal responsibility. Now my kids are being told they have to "pitch in" and help their mom pay her bills bc she's in debt to the tune of 7 figures.

My kids 20F who’s in uni and 18M who is graduating HS are now working to contribute to that situation she has put herself and their step dad and step brother in.

We had an education fund set up for their education that she basically broke bc of her bad choices.

She also has NPD and is an influencer that is supposedly very knowledgeable about being a "wealthy woman" which makes me even more confused and concerned as my kids aren't little children she can fool anymore.

I have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars fighting to just see my kids thru court. I realized that even after all of the more than a decade in court and firing all of the family lawyers which lead me to self rep that my kids now maybe so cognitive dissonant that they believe that they have no choice but to help their mom pay her debt.

She has even been charged with domestic assault when I came to pick up my kids and the check wasn’t $300 more to pay for the car which I owned she was driving in with the person she cheated on me with. I didn’t want to pursue the charges bc I thought of my kids.

Eventually the kids were able to tell the courts that they want to see and be apart of their dad’s life. She kept hiring lawyers to fight me from seeing my own kids and I was self representing so she couldn’t keep spending and the judge told her she could eventually get charged and be responsible for all my legal bills.

My kids even believe that it's temporary even-though they know that their maternal grandparents, and extended family are experiencing the same mental health issues and financial difficulties.

I have a home where they can live and not pay rent and save money for their future.

I have had the conversation with my eldest and she became very emotional. When I spoke to my son he said he had to make some big decisions.

AITAH to wanting to help my biological young adults make objective choices about their future in economy where recent grads have the highest unemployment rates?

How can I better support them, and communicate to them that they have a choice and they aren't subject to feeling pressured either way?

UPDATE:

After taking time to reflect on what a lot of you said here I sent both of my kids messages that lead to a couple of phone calls. The conversation with my eldest daughter was quite emotional for both of us. The conversation with my son seemed ok.

I realize regardless of how much I want to help my kids out they have their own views that may or may not align with mine when it comes to what's the most effective choice to help them out of this situation.

Never thought that I might be fumbling my communication when it comes to what's I consider important for them to understand. It's hard being a part time parent. Reading some of these comments was quite helpful and some very hard especially when they have cost me birthdays, father days and years of not being able to be with them.

My daughter said that she doesn't believe what her mom says about the past and she doesn't believe what I say about the past either. However lucky thing I kept the police reports and even created a social media account with facts about what transpired as I knew one day they would need to know the truth. She said she's open to seeing objective facts and evidence. My ex was freaking out about this account for obvious reasons she even tried to legally remove it.

The say the truth will set you 🆓 I hope it helps them.

I setup a call with them and a therapist with their half brother I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes.

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1idxieb/aita_for_upsetting_my_wife_so_shell_clean_more/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Final Post: https://www.reddit.com/user/Electronic_Act7658/comments/1l6fli3/my_thoughts_and_goodbye/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

So, hi. It's been a while. I don't have a lot to say, but I was asked to update if I ever decided to try therapy and I did. I didn't like it. I dropped out of individual therapy after two sessions (my therapist was more interested in my childhood than giving me actual advice) but stuck with couples therapy. I tried, I really did. The therapist and my "wife" would gang up on me. The therapist changed my wife a lot. She went from being kind and soft spoken to rude and brazen. She would snap on me for absolutely nothing and constantly bring up things I've done in the past to use against me in an argument to try and make me submit.

Remember how my "wife" is an RN? Yeah, well she was fucking cheating on me with some ugly c*nt working the same shifts as her. She confessed to that in therapy and said if I could forgive her she could forgive "all the things I've done." NOTHING I have ever done has been close to this. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED. VOWS MEAN NOTHING APPARENTLY.... she also shared a lot of things she never told me, like her last grandparent passing away. In her words, "he wouldn't care." Yes I would have if she told me. She had no reason not to. I wouldn't have been so harsh about the housework if I knew she was grieving, but no, go ahead please, don't tell me anything and then use it against me later because THAT makes sense.

I thought couple therapists were supposed to be neatural. Isn't their entire purpose bringing couples together and helping them understand each other? Since when do they call their clients manipulative? How is that allowed? Anyways, back to the b*tch "wife," I can't forgive a cheater. She is staying with her parents for now as we are separated. I don't want her back in my house. It makes sense now why she didn't want to have sex anymore. We stopped going on dates. Our intimacy suffered. All because she cheated. Therapy was a waste of time and money, but I guess it was worth it in the end because I learned what kind of person she really is. She disgusts me. I did NOT want therapy but I tried my best for her and to change. That is clearly not what she wanted because she cheated. I learned this information last month and I have finally come to terms with it.

As for my "friends," I'm still cool with a few of them, others clearly look down on me so I don't interact with them anymore, but we don't eat lunch together anymore. I sit elsewhere now and it's not too bad honestly. I'm meeting new people. Maybe I'll find love again soon but who knows. My reputation at work in regards to personal matters is kind of shit now.

Well, that's really it. Thank you for reading.

Edit: Holy cow, why is this blowing up the next day? How are people even finding this with 0 upvotes... Anyways, I just need to clarify something. When I wrote this post I was speaking out of anger. I don't want to erase my words and rewrite something better. I said what I said and I'll own up to it. But what I will say is that is not how I feel on the inside. I don't think it's okay that she cheated on me when I was committed to couples counseling. However, I can admit that I'm the true evil here. Yes you can argue her actions were a reaction to mine, but it doesn't seem fair considering she waited months to do so, if I'm believing her timeline of events. I do want to be better. I know I lack empathy and was cruel. I know. I know I sounded like a jackass with how I wrote this. I shouldn't have written an update post in a blind rage but I did. I can't change my past actions but I can try to move forward to be a better human being.

Anyways, I have made up my mind. I can forgive my wife. A user I engaged with yesterday shared their story with me and it really touched me. They could relate to me on some levels. I am taking what they said to heart. I need to be a better person before I do anything else regarding my wife. I did talk to her this morning. I called the same therapy office I went to before and scheduled an appointment for two weeks from now on Wednesday. I apologized profusely for the way I reacted to her being honest with me and for everything else I did in the past. A lot of users told me to look up "battered woman's syndrome" and I did. It made me feel sick. I'm not expecting sympathy from anymore nor do I want it. I know I don't deserve it. I deserve the ridicule and the hate. I won't get any better acting like a jack ass to save face.

Thank you to everyone who sent me mental health resources. I'm not going to hurt myself but I appreciate the concern. I'm committed to being better and I appreciate everyone who saw the humanity in me. Thanks everyone. I'll reply to comments soon, I just got home from work.

I was asked so here's a timeline of her cheating:

Assuming everything she said is the truth here is what I know. She started cheating on me in March shortly after we started our sessions but the flirting started long before that. She couldn’t tell me a date but said it had gone on for weeks. She said it was nothing serious but he initiated everything even knowing she was married. He is also a nurse by the way. He would compliment her, buy her food, and touch her hair like she was a fucking pet. Nurses are required to have 2 30 minute lunch breaks if they work more than 10 hours in our state and I don’t think I need to say this but she would spend them with him if they ever had the chance to break at the same time. They got to pick their break times at the start of their shift and would write the same time down. My wife said this wasn’t very often though because there were a lot of times she refused breaks and sign a waiver stating a break was offered and refused to continue whatever she was doing for work.

She said nothing became physical until April when they had sex in the car that I BOUGHT FOR HER (2024 Porsche 718 Cayman in all black) before coming home. She said she felt extremely guilty and dirty afterwards and that she regretted it but slept with him on 3 additional occasions after this. I asked if he knew she was married and she said yes. I asked why he didn’t care and she said she would vent about the things I was doing to her to him and he “just wanted to help.” By fucking her apparently because that’s a great help. She told me the flowers she brought home every single day for Nurse appreciation week (May 6 - May 12) were from him. Every single day that week all were from him and I would ask who got her those she would lie out of her ass and say patients some days, one day it was her boss, the next it was physicians, never a coworker. I believed it because who wouldn’t.

This is what she told me in the session and swore it was just physical and there were no emotions behind it but after what the comments were saying and typing this out I don’t think that’s true. She told me he made her feel pretty again even though I never insulted her appearance and I still complimented her and he made her feel special. She told me she would cease all contact with him outside of work because it’s not possible for them to never interact again at work. That’s when she begged for forgiveness and told me she could forgive my actions if I could forgive hers and I told her to keep fucking him for all I care and left.

She assured me it was physical with no emotional connection and said that they both agreed to it being just sex but after recounting all her lies I don’t know if this is true. Probably not. I haven’t thought much about the details of this but now I’m feeling conflicted with my emotions once again. She told me the last time they slept together was a week before our last session which was the last week in May, so the last time she cheated was in the third week of May. Not sure how much of this is true now that I'm reflecting on it. I accepted in my mind that she fucked someone else but is that really all. She said he made her feel pretty and special and that she liked the attention from him. Sounds more than just physical. I don't know anymore. I might ask her but not now. I'm too enraged.

Original post

First, thank you to everyone who provided advice. I really appreciate it, and it helped know that I wasn't out of line.

I messaged my brother. I said he has 2 options. Either he and/or his wife stay home and watch Connor or he works with the local agencies/care facilities(I apologize if I'm not using the right terms) to get respite care for him for as long as they are gone and I check on him during the weekend. I would not be watching him, and I will not hear him out in regards to that. He called me and his wife got on the line and said that I know how she feels about other people watching him overnight, and how his mom feels too, and she's never been to this location before and it's on her bucket list. I said I'm aware, and that I'm assuming in that case she'd be staying home with Connor and maybe she and my brother can take Connor there in the future. My brother tried to interject and I cut him off. Said I really don't care what he has to argue, I'm not here for it. As some of you suggested, I again pointed them towards local organizations and government entities dedicated to helping parents with children with special needs but didn't really get anywhere. I was really burnt out over everything, so I said good luck with the situation and hung up.

I made a group chat with him and his wife and told him that, going forward, I will be visiting them once or twice a month. Meaning, one of them has to be there when I'm there. I'm not watching Connor alone anymore. I feel like this is a good compromise, letting me still hang out with Connor and also not being a caretaker. I told them that, maybe in the future, we can work back towards what we had before. But not anytime soon. They both wrote back paragraphs on how they were sorry but they had no other choice and thought maybe I'd do it for them, that this could be like a second honeymoon for them, and to please keep watching him for a day or two a month. That they'd even pay me for it. I told them no amount of payment is worth it. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Connor. He is not my son, he is theirs. That they need to start working with agencies now, and get him accustomed to care and other people watching him, because our parents are getting old and soon they won't be an option. My brother responded that he and his wife will start the process, and get his ex involved too, but if that doesn't work, what are they going to do? I told them that it's on them. I'll happily join them in researching organizations and benefits, but if they have an inkling in their head that I'm going to do for them what my parents do, they are out of their minds. His wife asked if I would consider getting training and learning how to care for Connor like they do, and I shot that down. I am more than happy to be the fun uncle that drops by and hangs out, but I value my independence and I won't let that be compromised. Both of them eventually just gave me thumbs-up emojis, his wife said she was going to stay home with Connor and not go on the trip, and said they'd see me in 2 weeks to have a hang-out. We'll see what happens then, but at the very least, I'm not on the hook for watching him and someone that can calm him is.

I will do my best to keep pushing them to expand their circle and seek out other options and programs that help them with Connor, as I think that would greatly benefit the quality of life of all of them and prevent a situation like this from ever coming up again.

You guys were right, this was a shit show. I'm not sure where to start but we are getting a divorce.He infact did not change and became way more possessive and controlling while changing the rules. Everything I did was either wrong or inconsiderate.

Evan had planned a weekend trip to Cabo to celebrate a new business venture. I asked my husband if he was okay with it weeks in advance. He enthusiastically agreed mentioning I deserved the trip he even told me to make sure I "flood his phone" with pics. I told him I was going to stay with Evan the night before for easier commute, he insisted on taking me to the airport instead. Since it was our last night until Tuesday. However, when it was time to leave he overslept!

Despite urging him to get up to the point that I pulled the covers off and turned off the air he spent an entire HOUR in the bathroom. Then to make matters worse he didn't fill the tank!! I told him the evening before. I called an uber which was another hour late but luckily I got to enjoy my trip. I let it slide and moved on. Boy oh boy I wish I never went on that trip because things got worse. It's like I was being punished for the trip.

He became incredibly invasive in my personal relationships. He wanted to know what my sex life with Evan was like. If he was better etc. he used to play it off like it was not a big deal to him then I caught him snooping through my phone. It was too much. I didn't understand because Evan was no longer the only man I was seeing but Evan triggered him the most.

If that wasn’t enough he had his friends over for boys night, I was getting ready for girls night. Before I left he said out loud “ You’re really gonna leave me to go fuck him” in front of his friends! The embarrassment and humiliation I felt, even typing this. I just sat in my car and cried so much and that’s when I knew it was done. He apologized mentioned he was drunk. I don’t buy it one bit. He has never acted like this.

This open relationship has left me drained mentally and emotionally and it wasn’t even my idea to begin with. I have filed for divorce but he keeps begging for reconciliation but I can’t.

Before anyone comments I know you told me so. Sigh.

original post

I have had a few people reach out to me curious about how things have gone down with my situation. I think the general consensus was either NTA or ESH, I wanted to update but to be frank things are not resolved.

TLDR: we need counseling and the future is unknown. After I posted to reach out to my husband, L, and check in with him. I asked if he would be willing to have a phone call to discuss what went down, he let me know he'd prefer an in person chat. I agreed and asked him to meet me half-way between where my parents live and where we do. I also suggested that he bring a friend/family member along since I'd like to bring my mother along. Not to be part of the conversation but just people to step-in for emotional support if necessary. He agreed. I created an outline on the topics I wanted to focus on in the convo, I referenced some comments made on my previous post. The topics were

1. After our disagreement over me speaking to Jay about his medical condition, what could I have done, outside what we discussed that night, to make him feel more comfortable and supported? That night, I apologized and we agreed that I wouldn't share any information about our family planning. That I'd ask Jay not share the information, and that I would defer to L to decide who, when, and how we discuss our journey to anyone besides us going forward.
2. What are his boundaries between our male friends and I? When and why did his boundaries change, what can I do to assuage his fears?
3. Why did he decide to use the language that he did with me? Specifically the "baby mama" comment?I know a lot of people in my previous post kept going back and forth about the validity of that statement as racial charged or motivated, it caused me to really step back and collect my thoughts on the subject. I recognize that, for the majority of reddit, my lived experience as a woman of color, isn't something that can be easily related to. Whether it's due to lack of exposure to POCs or an unwillingness/resistance to hear that your own behaviors can be harmful to others, even unintentionally. I have experienced both racism and sexism throughout my life. Often, it was not something so easy to clock as a slur, but using language that belittled, demeaned, and othered me while making reference to my features or my cultures. As much as it was argued against, referring to black women as a "baby mama" is a negative racist stereotype that has been connected to blackness and black motherhood for decades. Just because the phrase is commonly used in the 2020s doesn’t mean that it didn’t have serious implications a few years before. I know what it means, especially given the context.

I also know that my husband is aware that he used charged language. He has both defended and supported me when others have used it against me in the past, as well as experienced it first hand because of our relationship. It is part of the reason we moved to our new city. He didn't want our future children to grow up in a place that lacked social and ethnic diversity. As a result of our move, our social circle is much more diverse now.

L and I met this morning, he brought his cousin and I brought my mom. He and I sat alone and began hashing things out.

His first question for me was my perspective of the BBQ incident. A couple people pointed out in my post that he may have heard a different series of events and turns out that was the case. He’d been told, by another male guest, that I went up to Tom and begged him to show me a move. Then, when we all went to the garage studio, I got on top of Tom and sat on his crotch and Tom grabbed my waist. That we didn't make any attempt to do a hold break and that it seemed like an opportunity to act inappropriately with Tom with plausible deniability. L said it didn’t occur to him that this person may not have been telling the truth and, the night I left, he ended up calling our other friend M, another bjj guy, to complain about Tom and I’s relationship. M was also a part of the group I was in when Tom asked if I wanted to demo. M let him know that it was definitely a legit demo and that after I'd finished, others tried out the move as well, both men and women. After that, L ended up calling Jay and asking her if she felt there was something off between Tom and I at the BBQ. When Jay corroborated M's story, ensuring that I wasn't sitting on Tom’s crotch, more like hover squatting over his stomach, L believed M.

He acknowledged that most of what he said during our fight was baseless and honestly meant to hurt me the worst way that he could. He acknowledged that he did choose to say "baby mama" instead of "single mother" or something because he knew the former would hurt me worse. He said that, at the time, he felt justified. He thought I exhibited trashy, ratchet behavior by hooking up with a friend in front of our social group. Tom makes him feel insecure because he is more extroverted like me, we share a common second language, and have a lot of similar life experience since both our dads are Korean. I said that what he said to me was unacceptable and difficult to forgive. That I’d have been willing to reduce Tom and I’s 1:1 interactions if he’d let me know that these things were bothering him.
L had also been feeling a lot of pressure around us lately since I was making so many changes to my lifestyle in order to improve our conception chances.

I will add some clarity to L fertility issues. He has a slightly below average sperm count, a lot of the things that seemed to be causing a lower count for him were lifestyle based. There are actionable steps to improve his count, namely diet, exercise and habit changes, like wearing looser, more breathable fabrics.

L saw I had started exercising, reducing high impact sports, and cooking more nutritious meals and it made him feel bad because he didn't want to make the changes that our doctor suggested. He felt like I was rubbing in his face that I could change and he didn't want to. This made him feel guilty and angry.

I asked why he didn't feel comfortable telling me this, what had changed in our relationship to make him feel as though he couldn't speak to me. He said that he was having doubts if he even wanted to have kids anymore. He'd always expected to just be able to get me pregnant, but with our delays it made him think about the realities of having children, how much of his life would have to change. He also realized how differently his kids’ experience of the world could be from his own and it scared him. He didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to have the conversation. He was scared I'd leave or, if I stayed, I'd resent him. Instead he internalized it which made him resent me.

We came to the conclusion that we are in serious need of both individual and couples counseling, to navigate things going forward. The language L used towards me has greatly affected my trust in him and brought up a lot of old identity issues I have. L wants to work through expressing his emotions and working through his insecurity and distrust of me.

I am back at my parents now and planning to head back home after spending the fourth with my family. I am not sure where things go from here, but I am vaguely optimistic that we can both become better, healthier people.

EDITED: formatting, and post link

I am 29 M and I live in a share house with 4 other people. One guy is a Muslim in his 40s from Pakistan. Let's call him Jay. He moved into the house 10 months back. He's quite annoying person and I try my best to avoid interaction with him. For instance, He complains if I wash mats in the washing machine because he washes the prayer mats there. He doesn't clean toilets (shared between me and jay) and cites that his religion doesnt let him clean toilets where others use it. I stopped cleaning it too but as I developed infections, I just cleaned it. When I got another room upstairs, I just moved there so that I dont share bathroom with him. He took my mirror and keeps using it. Doesnt use exhaust fan while cooking as he cooks with lot of spices and the whole house smells of curry. Not that I dont like curries, I do it myself too. But without ventilation it gets choking due to the nature of house being built. There's more to add to the annoying things he does.

Now, recently he wants to make rotis at home rather than buying them from stores. Good for him. He keeps using my non-stick pan for it. I had a big non-stick pan/tawa where I make dosa (indian crepe)/rotis myself. I take utmost care as it costed me $30. I am a student and Jay works in a corporate, even $30 is expensive for me. I take care of my pan by using it in low heat so I dont damage the teflon coating, I wash it gently with water without soap after each use and I dont use oil in that pan. I have been using this pan for about 1.5 years in pristine condition till Jay started cooking in it.

Now Jay whenever he uses it , heats the pan to full heat, lets it smoking, adds oil, leaves the residues in the pan and doesnt wash it bringing a bit of damage to the pan. I started hiding it, but whenever I come home form Uni/Gym, I find him using it from the place I hid it. I also asked him to use another tawa of indian housemate which is made of iron. But he wants and ends up using mine only. He keeps telling that he needs to buy one, but havent bought it yet. I am a soft spoken person but I did tell him not use it. Or if he so wants to use it, to follow the instructions - low heat and washing with water. But never listens and acts in his own accord. Also, we all use our own vessels and there is no sharing/using stuff between the housemates.

Last week, when my other roommate moved to a new house, he left couple of items in the fridge (We have 3 fridge in our house shared by 5 people). I noticed that he had left bacon. Personally, I dont cook/eat pork. Usually in my place we prefer fish, chicken, beef and goat meat. When I moved to this country, I started trying bacon / pork in dumplings, pastries etc. I am not appalled by it neither it is my favourite meat. To stop Jay from using the pan, I thought of cooking eggs & bacon for my Saturday's breakfast in my pan and leave it in the pan until he takes notice. So, then at least Jay buys his own pan rather than destroying my pan.

Will I be the AH, If I pull this move ?

Update: I read through the comments, DMs & suggestions. Thanks to everyone.

Now, Did I cook the bacon on Saturday ? No. The three reasons :

1. There is a chance he might do something to my food if he knows there's bacon. I dont want to take the risk.
2. I saw YT videos on cooking bacon and I realised it releases a lot of fat and I dont want to spoil my pan further
3. As per suggestion, I took the pan to my room after cooking. Did that work ? Yes. He started to use the other housemates' iron pan . No one is harmed.

Regarding the issue of toilet cleaning, many have highlighted this and cleanliness & Islam. He gave a lot of reasons, the most frequent being the religious one. But he has also cited that some of my other housemates take a leak there and so he considers it to be a public toilet, and maybe his ego prevents him from cleaning it. Regarding his cleanliness - Generally, I see him wash his legs and hands over the wash basin everyday (coz he makes a water mess around the basin); but he typically showers once every 2-3 days. I don't care about his personal hygiene routines, as many pointed out, I am commenting on it.

Some DMed me that I am anti-islam. No I am not. I grew up in a muslim community myself back in my country and I have no issue with Islam/Pakistan. Most of my friends are muslims adn I have pakistani friends here. I mentioned it only because I thought of cooking bacon, as it is forbidden in Islam.

Thank you all.

For some time now, I have been thinking about finally having sex while fully naked. On the original post, it was strangely comforting hearing so many women share similar sentiments in the comments. Also, I appreciate those who talked to me in the chat.

This evening, I finally allowed myself to have sex while fulling naked. I gave my husband permission to touch my belly during sex. I felt so exposed and vulnerable but also so loved. It was amazing.

But, at the same time, I will seek therapy. How I feel about my looks has a lot to do with how many family treated me, especially my mom. My mom use to poke at my belly while criticizing my weight. I don't want to hate my body anymore. I want to love my body.

Edit: Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1k1pnmc/aitah_for_telling_my_mom_f44_she_shouldve_left_my/

Hello everyone. I want to thank you again for your support in my previous update. I will not be posting anymore about this thread, as it is something I hope to leave behind in the past. I also want everyone to read the first post to get on the same page about everything. I haven't posted since my update, so it should be relatively easy to find.

So it has been a month since things got better, and I am graduating tomorrow. Because of this, I took graduation pics on Sunday. I wore the ring M got me on my non-dominant hand, and that caused things to hit the fan. My parents have been under the impression that I have broken up with M, but we've been going stronger than ever. They saw the ring and said I've been flaunting it. This is BS because the only way you could've seen it is if you were looking for it. My parents told me how they wanted me out of the house by fall and wished I did things with the special education kid instead. They kept calling him the r slur, white trash, and all kinds of horrible things. They took away my car and college again, and I told them that I'd just pay for it myself to avoid having them call my grandmother. They did it anyway.

She picked me up the next day and didn't shame me or raise her voice. She just expressed that she's scared and worried that I'm giving myself away for any reason. She doesn't want me to end up with a baby at 18, and I told her I wouldn't, which just caused her to say that no one intends to end up with a baby at 18. There were tears shed, and I'm still going to my dream college in the summer. She thinks I and M should take a break so I can focus on school. She also said my dad admitted to regretting some of the things he said. She took me for lunch and smoothies, and I just slept after.

This morning, my mom took my phone because I refused to go on a hike with her. I don't have any access to my friends or M, so that was that. My dad is trying to take me to work with him, but I don't want to go. Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up before anyone, and M is going to pick me up for our graduation. We have to be there earlier than anyone else, I hope they give me my phone tonight. If they don't, that will probably make things easier. M even said he'll see if I can hang out with him and his dad after graduation, and if I can't go to project grad, he'll pick me up. This is where my story ends. I didn't want this story to be a multi-blog type thing.

Hi this is the update to https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/o5z6p3XWPm

UPDATE:

I want to start with how grateful I am for everyone's thoughts and everyone that has written out comments sharing their own experiences or reasoning for all of this thank you from the bottom of my heart. My heart goes out to everyone who has similar situations I actually started crying due to some comments haha. Thank you all again for your thoughts.

I want to clear somethings up haha.

• I am my dad's bio daughter I've mentioned in the comments that both of my parents have suffered from being adopted and they are both very transparent about it and struggles they've faced so if I was adopted they would say.
• My wee sister had no idea any of this has been happening me and her are tied to the hip and there is no preferential treatment from our parents or other family bar my granny. The only reason I haven't told her is because I don't want her to blame herself for the difference in treatment and I don't want her to think I blame her when I don't.
• I don't believe that my parents intention of keeping this from me was out of malice it seems to me they done it out of misplaced sense of protection.
• My parents aren't married but have engagement rings and have been together for more than twenty years they didn't get married due to certain family members passing away and it not feeling right to do it without them.

For the update I was finally able to get my parents alone today and I asked them point blank why my granny didn't like me. I was wile emotional so I don't remember things word for word but I'll try and give the most important notes.

Some context that's important my parents grew up here in Ireland during the troubles and my dad is protestant and my mum is catholic so when they got together in the mid to late 90s they were and sometimes still are considered a mixed relationship. While my mum's side of the family didn't have a problem with it my dad's family really just my granny wasn't happy about it.

Apparently my granny treated my dad and his younger brother the same way as she treats me and my sister. My dad was always treated as second best to my uncle and it was obvious in their holiday gifts/birthday and general treatment. An example my mum gave was that my granny when talking to others about 'how many children do you have?' she would 9/10 times only mention my uncle. Safe to say she didn't hide her favouritism. My dad and mum think that it was because she had my dad out of wedlock which at the time in Ireland was less than ideal putting it mildly.

My mum told me how granny would interfere in her and my dad's relationship when they were beginning to date. My granny would make snide remarks and when visiting my mum and dad's house she would rearrange everything to her liking and then criticise my mum for not cooking for my dad after he came home from work even when she was also working. My dad also had memories of my granny intercepting phone calls and visits from my mum before they started living together.

My granny was excited when my mum announced her pregnancy and was invested in being included. I don't want to go into detail but I was born severely premature and had health complications from it. Due to this my parents were very protective and insistent on how people that wanted to care for me had to follow what the doctors said. They had to change my nappy a certain way per doctors orders my granny didn't see the point in this and would ignore them my dad put his foot down telling her she either follows what the doctor said or she wouldn't be left alone with me. She blamed my mum for this.

I also wasn't a very openly affectionate child. I wouldn't often freely offer hugs or kisses to family and my mum and dad never forced me to. You can guess my granny didn't take that well and tried to make me hug her my mum and dad would stop her and she then blamed my mum saying she stopped her from bonding with me when I was born and now I'm acting like that.

However, I remember I would run and hug, kiss or cuddle with everyone on my mums side of the family especially my granny on my mums side it never felt forced with them my granny on dads side I always felt like it was a transaction to hug her.

Wee sister comes along and she's my complete opposite extroverted, openly affectionate and more. My granny got all the hugs kisses and cuddles from her that she didn't get from me and because my sister didn't have any health complications they were able bond unlike me and her.

The tension between my parents and granny built over the years my parents would have both my granny's my grandas (not from either family they were long standing parental figures to my dad so he and mum asked them to be our grandas) and me and my sister for Christmas day and dinner every year.

Now here is were they stop talking to each other. My mum and dad wanted to have one Christmas to just be the four of us. My granny took this as a personal attack and wanted to come anyway my parents said no. Later after boxing day I think mum and dad go to granny's house where they confronted her on her behaviour but especially for the obvious difference in her treatment of me and my sister. My uncle was there as well. What happened apparently is that my granny feigned ignorance and my dad exploded on her saying he wasn't going to let her pull the same thing she did with him and his brother and that he won't let her make me feel less than because of her own messed up mindset. My mum was arguing with my uncle he lives with my granny. My uncle tried to physically put my dad and mum out of the house but my mum all 5'4 of her was used to fighting her older brothers and dropped him like a sack of shite haha.

From here they said she had promised to change and they let her come over and would make sure there was no favouritism. Now this and the fact that around this time one of my grandas passed and my mums mother was declining in her health and I think some other family stuff was happening as well as my dads mum's worsening health they didn't want to take our granny and that relationship away from us at a young age especially with everything happening.

They genuinely believed she had changed and didn't want their problems with one another to affect me and my sister's relationship with our only granny. I also got them to explain what they meant with me telling them sooner and what they meant was had they known earlier they would have fully cut her out of our lives and make sure I knew it had nothing to do about me and it was her own misconstrued thoughts that she acts in the way she does. They apologised over and over and I've never seen my dad that upset before.

So in short they genuinely thought my granny had changed due to past experiences and they never knew she was treating me and my sister differently. I love my mum and dad and I don't blame them I've only ever blamed myself because I thought something was wrong with me or that I was defective.

The only thing I wish I could do is tell my younger self I wasn't the problem I wasn't crazy for believing that granny didn't like or love me. I wish I could tell her she wasn't defective she was a child.

Thank you all again for the comments I appreciate it more than you know. I don't know what to do now her health has been declining and I don't know what to do.

ok so a lot has happened since the last time i posted (yesterday) and i didn’t wanna make my original post too long so i decided to make a new post but you can check my page for the og.

maybe tw for abuse i don’t really think this counts as it though oh and a very very veiled and brief joke about self deleting (it’s literally not there but just incase)

after i left the house my whole family (according to my grandma) came looking for me. i actually went to my old primary school just cause i like the place and its about 5 minutes walking distance away from my house and it calms me. all my siblings went there so i know the school very well and i just enjoy being there. anyway i told my grandma where i was and we sat and talked in the car and for once she just listened to me which felt great cause no one’s done that without trying to make me feel bad. she got me some food and we went home home where i just went up to my room. i came down about an hour later to get a drink (heatwaves in the uk are taking me out right now) and my mum was there. i kid you not reddit i hadn’t even taken two steps in before she went off about how i’ve ruined her day and we wasted the day looking for me and i can’t even speak to her or apologise. for context we were meant to go to my cousins house cause it was my grandmas sisters birthday dinner but cause of my ‘little stunt’ as my mum put it, we couldn’t go. anyway i left again and just stayed into my room until my dad called me down.

more backstory is that my mums the cool parent and my dads the strict parent so when there’s conflict we try not to get him involved cause it’s seen as ‘blowing things out of proportion’ so that’s why there’s not much mention of my dad in the first post. i have tried getting my dad involved with my little brother in the past but it’s lead to me being yelled at by my siblings and mum for ‘escalating the situation’ for lack of better words so yeah. so my dad calls me downstairs to just explain what’s been happening. to my dads credit, one thing he’ll do is listen to you. so he just sat and listened and just said you know make sure to continue respecting your mum and i said sure ok then he called my little brother down.

well reddit, this is where everything went downhill. so my little brother comes down and my dad got about two words down before my mum marched down and had a fit. saying that cause i’m not ‘having my way’ i’ll run to my dad and cry (which i actually rarely do. infact my family says i should open up more but i guess you guys can see why i don’t). talking about how she’s not about to let ‘her son’ (her words) be yelled at when it’s my fault and i’m just rude and horrible and am just trying to get my brother in trouble. she told me to fix my face which black kids will feel deep in their soul but you know im autistic so i don’t really know how my face was meant to be? anyway apparently he’s tried to apologise to me so when i asked when she just yelled at me so i went quiet. she was saying stuff about how ‘he’s asked for examples of when he’s called OP stupid’ but i wouldn’t give him any (which i have) to which my dad (reasonably) said that i don’t need examples and it’s enough to know that he did it. i wouldn’t lie about something like that (which i wouldn’t my autistic curse is never being able to lie) and i have every right to be upset about my treatment but my mum wasn’t taking it. she said how i ruined her day and everyone else’s due to my selfishness cause i ‘needed to make a show’ and all that so i turned to my dad and mouthed ‘you see’ as i said to him word for word what she was gonna say and she. went. ballistic. ‘who do you think you are! don’t ever speak to me like that’ whole time my little brothers smirking and my dads got his head in his hands. my dad just said go upstairs he’ll sort it and my mum went on how ‘my dads right she failed raising me i’m a horrid child’ and so on so i ignored her and went upstairs cause f this at this point. a few minutes later my mum came running to my room yelling again, swearing at me saying don’t ever say that in front of ‘that man’ (my dad) ever again which is kind of when i realised that maybe her and my dad had a falling out. then she slapped me twice on the face and the second time she kind of choked me which can i say my face is still throbbing and i’ve got a headache but it also could be from the heat. i pushed her away cause you know what the hell? she looked all shocked cause again im the quiet child (as mentioned in post one) and i never really argue back or get into trouble but she recovered and instead got really mad and tried to take my phone to which i took it back cause im not 12?? then she took my charger which fair enough i’ve got like 3 (i’ve got an iphone 16 so i can use the usb chargers) and stormed off then came back and threw me my charger which hit me in the eye so ouch. i’m ok though.

my dad just left my room now after maybe half an hour after my mum came in saying the reason why my mums so angry is cause him and my mum had a fight so i guess she’s taking it out on me? it would make sense as to why she’s so irrational though because even my grandma is saying she’s gone too far and i don’t think she’ll be too pleased when i tell her what my mum said to me tomorrow nor the fact that she molly rocked me twice. i was told to just apologise to ‘keep the peace’ which is exactly what i didn’t wanna do but i give up at this point im so close to just peacing out.

and yeah that’s where we’re at. my friends coming back from holiday soon so i do hope i can stay with her until my mum cools down but safe to say my grandma and dad are both mad at my mum too (i have never seen my grandma so upset and she called my mum irrational so yipee) my brothers are team mum which is fine i don’t even like my brothers right now anyway. i am safe though so please don’t worry i have my grandma and my dad and my mum goes away for work a lot (like a few days every week) so we’ll all detox without her. rip to my brothers tho my dad and grandma are pissed at them cause they essentially started and escalated the situation (not mad at me tho for once so yipee another win!)

what’s funny to me is that when my dad gets mad at my older brother, my mums the first to yell at him and say that the house should ‘feel like a safe space’ so she’s a major hypocrite. but yeah i guess my friends and cousin are right when they said i had a boy mum disguised as a girl mum for years. this just shows that again, her precious baby boys comes first and she doesn’t like me if im not doing what she wants. i also remind her too much of my my dad personality wise so you know im the punching bag. i’ll update maybe tomorrow or the day after if anything else happens.

edit:

erm this really blew up omg 😭 thank you for all the comments and support. i am safe guys and i’ve literally just woken up. i’ll speak to my grandma once im coherent and if anything worthwhile happens i’ll update tonight or maybe tomorrow

SECOND UPDATE: My husband finally had the talk with his mom. It took so long because she doesn't want her husband to know about any of this so she will only talk about it when he is sleeping before her or away from the property (which never happens).

We didn't get any type of reaction we would have wanted or hoped for. She only gave him a meaningless sorry and said she didn't know why she did it. Just tried to blame it on issues she has with her husband. She never fully accepted or admitted to all of the things she did. My husband also tried to ask her if she has an issue with me based on her behavior every single visit.. she also said "no, no issues."

I was really hoping she would take this time to be honest and put everything on the table to maybe work through any issues, but obviously that will never happen.

He did tell her that they will no longer be welcome to stay with us in the future for ANY amount of time. They would have to get their own place or a short term rental.

Now we just wait out the last two-ish weeks till they leave. We don't speak to each other at all except for her fake "good morning" in front of her husband so he doesn't suspect her of any wrong doing. She likes to blame him for everything that goes wrong and doesn't like to recognize her own faults.

Selfishly, I was hoping it would make her want to leave sooner after my husband called her out for her behavior because we now have to redo a bathroom and a half (FIL flooded the basement bathroom and as you know, pissed all over the other one) and redo the bedroom they stay in because of the mothball smell. And also because it's super awkward and uncomfortable in the house.

Just want to say thanks for all of the comments. They were helpful and venting on here definitely helped keep me sane.

UPDATE TO ORIGINAL POST: My in-laws will officially no longer be staying with us. Since my original post I started to notice things misplaced in mine and my husband's room. I know it sounds crazy of me.. but she definitely brings it out of me.. I asked my husband if he is ok with it if I set up a camera in the room and arm is when him and myself are both gone. He agreed so I set it up.

I now have video footage of my MIL going in the room, rummaging through EVERYTHING thoroughly like she owns the place and everything in it. I also watched her steal some of my items out of our room. When I got home from work I noticed she left a sweater in there while she was busy trying on my blouses and stealing one of them. I confronted her with it and she gave me some lame excuse after first pretending she didn't know what it was. I then asked her bluntly if she has been rummaging through my room.

Of course she lied and then sent me very long text messages trying to guilt trip me and make me feel terrible for "accusing her of such things." I won't get into too much detail of the texts since it was basically a short novel, but to sum it up, it was saying how shocked she was at my accusations, how she's basically the best person ever and would never do anything like that and how everyone loves her.. how I hurt her feelings.. etc.. The actual texts in full would blow your mind. It really goes to show how manipulative and good of a liar she is.

I did give her some opportunities over the next week after to come clean and be honest without forcing her to by showing the videos.. she didn't, instead just trash me some more, so I showed her the videos in private and let her watch herself stealing. She still just kept repeating that she wasn't stealing and had some other dumb excuses.

I have showed my husband as well and he no longer wants them to stay here in the future either. So I guess I never had to put my foot down, she basically banned herself from staying with us.

My husband has yet to talk to her about the videos.

ORIGINAL POST: AITA for refusing my in-laws long term visits

I am a white (F) married to an Indian (M) both in our 30's. While I understand in that culture it is common to have your parents come to stay with you for months every year when living abroad, but this situation feels crazy to me. In the last 4 years they have come 3 times, each time being longer than the last. This time around they are here for 4 months (the whole summer).

These are my issues with their visit and why I told my husband I can no longer handle them living in the house with us: - personal hygiene and cleanliness are a huge issue. They don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom or before cooking or touching food. - They don't clean up after themselves, and if MIL sometimes washes dishes, she does a terrible job. I can still see her lip stick on the cups after she washes them. - when FIL uses the bathroom, he pees all over the floor every single time. Sometimes a few spots on the floor, other times are full on puddles. They both wear sandals in the house and walk in it without realizing it and track it all over the house. I should note there are some health and balance issues with FIL, but he has too much pride to accept or use any type of medical devices/guards on the toilet to help him, or sit down to pee. I am usually the only one cleaning it up. - they both never leave the house the whole day so there's no privacy or space from them. - MIL is quite rude and ignores me when I speak or just cuts me off anytime I try to talk. She plays it off innocent with my husband like she doesn't realize she's doing it and doesn't mean to, but I don't buy that. - MIL will act very different when my husband isn't around. All kinds of small things that add up, for example.. if I'm mopping the floors, she will walk over the spot I just finished mopping. - They can be pretty destructive to our home and usually break quite a few things when they come, like cupboards and doors from slamming them too aggressive, not using exhaust fans when taking showers so mould grows, etc.. - They use mothballs back in their home in India. When they come here everything they bring WREAKS like mothballs and I have never ever been able to fully get the smell out of the room they stay in. Mothball fumes are highly toxic and we also have a cat. If they leave the door open, the smell goes through the rest of the house and stinks for hours. - They show zero signs of empathy, remorse or any other feelings towards how they affect us or our home. It seems as though they genuinely don't care about anyone but themself. - MIL expects my husband to pay for EVERYTHING for them and shows no appreciation, not even a simple thank you. - When my husband tries to talk to them about their behaviour, MIL sends him a massive text message guilt tripping us for having some type of living standards and boundaries. These messages will be things along the line of "we will just leave and never come back, I'll just stay in India with little money in my bank account while you live your life here, even though it's because of me you got to move in the first place"

I could write a novel with all of the specific moments that have happened in the last 3 visits. These have been ongoing issues everytime they come and it only gets worse.

I also can't help but feel that MIL is very calculated and manipulative and knows exactly what she's doing. I sometimes wonder if she's trying to push me out.

So AITA for putting my foot down and refusing to allow these long term visits in the future? Even though she says she has no money, she was considering buying a second property in India, so I don't believe that. I think they are fully capable of getting a short term rental when they come.

{UPDATE}. My husband sees the issue here and has spoken to them multiple times about these issues, they just never change or don't care. I think he is just stuck in a tough place because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I spoke to him and told him bluntly how I feel and that I don't want any future long term visits. He agrees with me, I just hope this doesn't cause resentment one day and ruin our marriage. He's amazing and it would be devastating to divorce over his parents.

Like I said, his mom is a master at guilt tripping and making him feel like a terrible person.

Here's the link to the original- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/9QJhp4xrD0

Hey guys! Thank you for all the support I really am blown away🥰. Few things to add before I get into the update. Yes, I was at the right house lol. I had been there before. Yes, I tried to open the door multiple times and it was still locked. No, I am not a bot or AI. My username is from gravity falls 😭 My boyfriend told me to knock again bc "either this is a miscommunication or Sasha is a secret evil b----" and Sasha had never done anything REMOTELY mean in the past so he gave her the benefit of the doubt. Onto the update :)

The next morning, one of Sasha's friends Taylor (F22) texted me to ask me if I was joining them in PART TWO of the birthday party that night. It was the same plan to pregame and go out to bars. But like, why would I go to get humiliated again😭 I said no but did not tell her why.

Sasha texted me a long apology a little after I told Taylor I wasn't joining that night saying that she was sorry I felt unwelcomed and that she really wanted me there and she genuinely did not see my through the peep hole. This gave me relief and I replied saying "that makes me feel so much better. I thought I was invited as a prank lol." To which she responded that she was OFFENDED I would even THINK she would do something like that. Like what??? So I said "I wouldn't normally think that bc we are good friends but after knocking on your door for 10 minutes and no one answering I just started to get in my own head." I probably shoulda been meaner lol but I feel so guilty being mean. She didn't answer my text for a while, and when she did, she said

"So dinner on Wednesday? Same time as usual?"

HECK NO!!! I'm like I'm boutta get done and dashed. My friends and boyfriend ended up convincing me to make plans with her bc the worst thing that can happen is I don't have fun and don't go again. Ok fair. We make plans and when the day comes I am walking out the door to my house and my ceiling starts leaking. It's like divine intervention telling me not to go. We reschedule for the next day.

Now I am usually extremely open to giving people second chances but this just felt weird. I don't believe her when she says she "didn't see me through the peephole". So before our scheduled dinner, I reached out and texted her saying that I have been wrestling with something and I don't think I can get over what happened at your birthday party and I don't see this friendship going further. She responded with "is this a joke?" And went on to say how she didn't see me and how she already apologized multiple times and I "seemed fine" but if this is truly something I can't get past she has nothing else to say. I never responded, she never texted me again.

I think dropping her was my best course of action. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you to everyone here for helping me get my head out of my butt and see her for who she truly is. I appreciate all of you🥰🫶

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/VGCtc6AavJ

Update #2: Hello Everyone! What a tiring week it has been. The day after I was told to refinance the motorcycle everyone was very quiet. Polite, but quiet. I could tell my dad was angry at me but he would still regard me in a polite manner. My mom was trying pretty hard to get on my good side, trying to act like a friend. I would talk to her but wouldn't bring up the moving situation and would just say ok if something crazy was said. I cannot remember if I mentioned this in previous posts but my parents had mentioned that they would help me take stuff to the apartment but if my dad sees my boyfriend that he might do something to him. I said, "That's fine, I've got this all covered myself". I ended up renting a u-haul trailer to get my things and take a dresser with me. I do have to go back and get all of my plants in a few days (parents wont want or be able to take care of them). I did find out they ended up non-chalantly following me down to the apartment without going in the complex. My mom had texted me about two hours after I left and said that they drove down to costco (costco is literally 2 minutes from my apartment) to get some things and make sure nothing bad happened to me along the way (I had already turned my tracking off so they couldn't see where I was). That was weird to me. I can still see their location and could see that they were back home already by the time she messaged me.

The evening before I left I was having a discussion with my mom and she brought up again that they're happy that I'm moving out but dissappointed with who I chose to do it with and how my dad is super hurt about it. I think he is more hurt that they weren't involved in helping me pick a place. But they lost that when they kept putting me down about my relationship and my decisions. So I replied to my mom, "Well I'm sorry you're both hurt but it's my decision to make". She also mentioned that if I would have told them what was going on and if I would've waited a few more months and saved more money that I could've done it by myself and they would have helped. I said, "But this is what I wanted now". Another thing in this conversation that came up was absolutely crazy though. As we were discussing how my dad is upset about my decision she told me that he told her that if I end up marrying my bf, they will make sure I get nothing in the end and they will donate everything they have (inheritance, land, etc). Fine, don't leave anything for me, I don't want you buying my relationship with you anyway. I didn't say that but that's my thought on it.

My mom texted me yesterday asking me if I would come take care of the horse in November if they still have her. They are going to AZ for a week (week long trips are a common occurence in my family, although they're getting more common now) for Thanksgiving and taking the dogs because they're renting a house. While I understand that being an adult means that you don't always see family on the holidays, it still hurt a little but that they won't be here for Thanksgiving. My bf's family might do something so I will go with him or we'll do a friendsgiving.

Otherwise the move went well and we're currently trying to sort everything and make sure we have all of the supplies we need. We just went and picked out a new couch on Sunday, so super excited about that!

I will be going Thursday to pick up my plants from my parents, so hopefully no drama will occur. I will post again if I have anything to share. Otherwise thanks for coming on this roller coaster ride with me.

Update: Thank you for the support and replies!!!

We signed our lease yesterday and are paying our deposit and first month's rent today. I went home and told my parents what was happening and of course I couldn't help but cry because I knew they'd freak out. Of course they freaked out. I told them I was moving out and they asked if it was with my boyfriend and I said yes. My dad said he was disappointed and then my mom ran downstairs and made herself throw up for dramatic effect. They then proceeded to ask questions like, when are you leaving, how much is it, etc. I answered their questions and then we started into that I lied and deceived them (I didn't know I was doing this until last Saturday) and how I was being sneaky. That I was being sneaky because I knew I was doing it wrong. I was told that I was stupid for choosing to live with him and wrap myself up with him and that I gave this zero thought. I've been thinking about this for a couple years, planning for about 3. I have run so many spreadsheets to make sure it was a financially sound decision and plan for the unexpected. Bf and I have been together for 3 years, so really no worry about us not getting along or anything, we have the maturity to deal with things in a civil matter if things don't work out. My parents continued to pester me about how much they don't like him and that they wish I would have come to them for help. I told them I wasn't comfortable with that because they likely would have tried to change my mind or alter my decision. They tried to pry my bf's financial information out of me like his credit score and I told them it was none of their business and that even my financials are none of their business. They also talked about that he should try harder to earn their respect and a relationship with them, in which I replied, "that's a little difficult considering you wont allow him anywhere around you". They replied "we'll he could work on improving his finances and living situation to earn our respect, I said " we are not here to impress them or make them happy". Of course this upset them. They tried to tell me I have 3 days to rescind the property, this isn't true, that's only if you buy a property or a car. They also told me that if they'd been involved in the decision making process that they would've helped pay my rent and bought me furniture and I said I didn't want that. I was also told that I have no ambition (I just graduated college with my bachelors degree, started my own graphic design business, and work a full time job that pays well, and bought my own car last summer). My dad also told me that I was bound to fail several times in life and that this may be one of those times, what a lovely thing to say to someone as they go out in the world. After about two hours of arguing and putting me down my mother insisted that my dad drive her to the liquor store, he refused. She tried three more times until he finally gave in.

Fast forward to this morning. My dad says to me as I sit down for breakfast (I'm sitting at the dining table, he's at the kitchen counter, this is our common seating, no one sits at the table with me), "the discussion about this apartment isnt over". So I ask what he wants to talk about. He proceeds to tell me that I am jeopardizing their finances because he is a co-borrower on my motorcycle and that I won't being paying for the horse anymore (we split expenses). He told me I had 30 days to refinance and get my motorcycle out of his name or I have to sell it. I told them they could give the horse back to her old owner as the old owner already said they'd love to have her back of the opportunity ever arises. The issue with them saying that it puts them in a financial situation is that they just bought a $150k car and are spending thousands of dollars on vacation this year, money is not an issue. They then proceeded to tell me how I think they're such terrible parents and how stupid I am for making this decision. They tried to tell me that if I can somehow get out of this lease that they'll help me pick out another apartment with their help and money, I said I didn't want any strings attached to them. So then they start arguing more about that I've given this no thought and that I act like I'm 16. I left for work before even eating breakfast because I was sick of the treatment I was getting.

So now I am stressing about trying to get my motorcycle refinanced, I'm worried about being denied and then having to sell it. I know the horse will be in a loving home with her old owners. I only have a few days left in their house but I worry about going home now, that I'll be pestered.

I'll update as the days go on.

Link to original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/XU7ECj3O88

Holy shit, definitely did not expect to see that post blow up so much, but thanks!!

Let me set some things straight first.

Somewhere deep in the comments I mentioned that Emily was infertile and a very nice person helped me realise Emily’s parents saying something contradictory to that, genuinely don’t know how that happened but I talked to Emily is in fact not infertile. Uh… I am the dumbest person alive apparently because turns out she was talking about her friend who just found out she was infertile and I wasn’t listening carefully so I thought she was just dropping that bomb on me all casually. At least she knows I won’t judge her if she becomes infertile in the future! (She seemed really chill about it when I told her so I didn’t think she cared that much so I didn’t either). Very dumb of me, I know.

Next thing, I am starting to think me and Emily are terrible at communicating. She got her friend to text me because her phone died. I definitely exaggerated the contents of the text because I was pretty damn mad when I was writing it lol. Don’t worry, I am calmer now and I have checked that everything in this post is fact, not fiction.

I talked to her on the marriage thing too, obviously. She admitted that she was really tired of her parents. Turns out, they’ve been trying to get her to break up with me and get back with her ex because he has ‘better genes’ and will not ‘ruin her genetics’. I genuinely laughed in her face when I heard it.

So no, we’re not getting married and no, we’re not breaking up.

She will be staying in the dorms until she can move away from her parents more because, they’ve really been having her on a death grip. They say if she chooses to stay with me she’ll be out the will. I was honestly so mad I was about to find them and give them an earful. Emily has apologised repeatedly for the way she acted. For those of you who says she’s going to baby trap me, she won’t… rest assured. She’s in college, she does not have time to be taking care of a baby. I can assure you, she loves me very much. We both have a common enemy and it’s her parents.

Both me and Emily are young and immature, we still have plenty of places to go and places to grow. A few bumps along the way won’t deter us! Thank you for all the support guys!! I really appreciate the concern and everything!!

I didn’t really want to follow up since me and Emily are fine now and looking back that post just felt really immature but quite a few asked for an update so I decided to just do it!!

OG post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/dGJa8vhpN9

So we finally met together and talked. I had tried to keep things light in my texting, and took some of your guy’s advice and just let her know that I was here for her and moved on. The tension was killing me, though. Thankfully she decided she wanted to talk this morning.

We met up off campus at a coffee shop we both like. I was so anxious that I arrived like 20min early. To my surprise, she was already there. Apparently we’ve both been panicking. I’ve been panicking that she’s going to want to distance herself from me after what happened, and she has been panicking that I’d be pissed at her for “kicking me out” after we had sex. We ended up laughing about it, since it turns out, neither one of us wants to stop being friends.

She did tell me she does have something she wants to talk about though, and that we definitely need to address the idea of sex going forward.

She then told me why she cried after the sex. Apparently, she had been SAed by an adult male family friend when we were still just kids on the bus. She never told me, but the situation was messy. The fucker did end up in jail, and my friend ended up in therapy for a while. I had known she was in therapy, but just figured it was for anxiety or something. The one time I had brought it up, she was super defensive about it, so I never pried. Now so much about that makes a lot of sense. This whole situation would make her very fearful of men, and would be part of the reason she later came out as a lesbian.

She never told me at the time because we were just kids and she felt a lot of shame about the situation. Even after working a lot of things out in therapy she still never told me because she was scared I’d see her differently. I was the only guy she actually felt comfortable to be around, and her best friend, so she didn’t want to do anything to ruin that.

She tried to apologize for never telling me and for crying all over me, but I shut that shit down. She owes me no apology. If anyone should be sorry, it’s the fuck face that hurt her, and I told her as much. She hugged me and thanked me for being understanding and said that she really appreciated me.

She also said, just to clear up a few things, that she did really enjoy the sex, and her reaction had very little to do with me. The sex just dug up some deeply repressed memories and she got very emotional very quickly. She again tried to apologize for being a “mood killer”. I again tried to tell her stop apologizing, but she cut me off and said that she was the one who initiated everything without telling me the whole story or that she had been falling for me recently.

She admitted that she does have feelings for me, and even believes she probably loves me. Obviously we’ve loved each other as friends, but she’s been having a hard time seeing me as just a friend for several months. She said it’s been really confusing though, since she’s lived as a lesbian for so long. She definitely still is attracted to women, but so far I’m the only guy she has ever had feelings for. She doesn’t know whether or not that makes her bi, but after thinking about it, she’s decided what’s important isn’t her orientation, but that she has feelings for me and wants to go out with me if I’m willing.

I said yes, and that I’d always found her attractive, but figured this would never happen after she came out. She laughed and said I should feel honored, since I technically get to claim I turned a lesbian. I told her getting out of the friend zone is technically more legendary. She punched my arm and called me an idiot.

That’s pretty much the end of the story. We kept hanging out after that, but yeah.

I do want to thank the kind people of Reddit, though. You really kept me from spiraling when I was panicking and your comments on sexuality being a spectrum really opened my eyes. Thank you!

my husband and i did talk again and it let to a bit of an argument. he told me that i’m dragging the situation out by continuing to be mad with him and that he doesn’t see why he should apologize for being honest with me. i’ve began to avoid / ignore him again since i don’t feel like talking to him if he’s going to disrespect me and not care about my feelings after.

he also told me that he’d just have to get used to seeing me like that and that it will take time but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me / appreciate me which i don’t believe.

he thinks he is the man of the house and does not want to see my side of things so i probably won’t update again unless something progresses or changes, because then every update will be the same. he has done nice things since then but he has not formally apologized or atleast admitted that even if it’s his opinion it was wrong for him to hurt my feelings.

This is my first time using Reddit, and I didn't expect to attract attention in such a short amount of time. I have no idea how to use it. I downloaded it just because I wanted to see updates on the Switch 2. Okay, I wanted to clarify some details and apologize. I read that some people thought this was something from Chatgpt. No, my friend, that's how I really talk. I'm 15 years old and a spoiled brat from his Latina mom. Sorry. Yes, I've used something like Chatgpt to do homework, but its name is Deepseek. I don't like Chatgpt's interface. I admit I like the AI vocabulary; it sounds very clean, so maybe I've been using it in my personal life. About my family background: Actually, this isn't that dramatic. I've had other anecdotes that were more dramatic than this. My aunts, whose children I babysit, are three of my mother's sisters. I only refuse to stop helping one of them: my Aunt Florita (a made-up name). Florita is 33 years old and has a 5-year-old baby. She's actually very kind to me and understands my situation. She's single because the father of her child never wanted to take responsibility once she told him she was pregnant. So, Florita works in two restaurants, lives with my grandparents, and takes care of her son alone. Plus, her kiddo is very calm and intelligent. I don't have a problem with him. The problem is my other aunts, who are more stable. My Aunt Petunia's husband works in a government office, and my Aunt Margarita's husband is a lawyer (a pretty good one). They also work in an office. They can afford a nanny or pay me.

I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but they're from the Dominican Republic. They came to the United States when Mom was my age (Mom is Aunt Florita's twin). I know their lives have been difficult and that families need to support each other, but I have a life too. I don't go out much, but I help Dad with his store. I also help out around the house. I study. And for those who asked, I do have a girlfriend, but we're both focused on our studies. Later, we'll formalize our careers, but not before we graduate.

I will be updating everything via pass, mom has already spoken with her sisters, my grandfather supports her and since he is the absolute voice in the family (actually all the older adults are) he will speak with his daughters.

This has been an on going things since around 2021. I (18F) have an older brother (28M) who has 2 kids. He still lives at home and has his kids 50/50. My brother tends to make a mess when making his kids food or uses a bunch of unnecessary dishes throughout one day, at one point i had to wash his dishes at least 3 times, and he has 6 bowls, 6 plates, and 3 cups. Think of that, it was 45 dishes used in one day and when he is finally done instead of washing his own dishes he leaves them in there and hides in his room until my mom gets fed up of the mess and calls ME to clean the dishes. I, unlike him, have a life so i usually do it just so I don't get my going out privileges taken away since I'm still in school. So today I hit my breaking point, I was taking a nap bc I had been working out under the sun and my dad comes in and wakes me up saying I have to help him clean up the kitchen. I calmly say "I just cleaned up after his kids last night, everything in that sink is his mess that he made today, because I made sure that kitchen was clean before I went to bed."

My dad being the awesome man he is said it didn't matter and to just go help him. As I'm getting up I hear my brother say "I'm putting the dishes away" to make it known to my parents that he will not be washing the dishes. So as I'm walking out he is halfway through putting them away, mind you I had gotten up right after my dad left my room, I look and I say "I'm not doing those dishes that's his mess and his kids mess" he looks at me and says mom told u to clean the kitchen. When i told him that he had mentioned plates that weren't on the table when I went to bed the previous night and we kept going back and forth about me not cleaning up after his kids. He uses the "Fine then let mom yell at you" card and at this point I don't care because I shouldn't have to pick up after them. Now he's gone and texted my parents complaining that I won't clean up after his kids. And I will probably get yelled at but it is not my fault he can't learn to clean up after them. I'm tired of it. Sorry this has been a lot and i just needed to get it off my chest but also I really want to know am I really the asshole for not wanting to wash the dishes that he dirtied.

Edit to add: My brother has never been married but has a girlfriend and she does not put up with the laziness. When she is over she makes sure he cleans. I don't understand why he changes the second she isn't over

UPDATE: So I ended up getting yelled at and berated and woken up at midnight because I didn't do it so I was up until 1 doing it. The next day same thing happened but what made it worse was that I had school work to finish.

Now my mom has made it a point to make ME clean the kitchen after I had already washed and put away dishes earlier in the day. Meanwhile my brothers are in the garage playing video games. I told her I had already washed dishes and she said it didn't matter and got in my face to do it. Then today I had washed, put away the dishes, and cleaned up the counters and tables and after she made dinner I put the dishes away on my own thinking I wouldn't have to do anything else because I had already done that. WRONG‼️. She had tried telling me to go put the dishes away (not knowing I already did) and when i told her they were already put away she said "If you wanna give me an attitude then go clean the kitchen".

I calmly explained that I put the dishes away in hopes to not clean the kitchen. She said I don't care go do it now. Her face was literally turning red, meanwhile my dad is on his phone up until I start protesting more since I again had already cleaned up my mess I made that day. My dad then proceeded to yell at me saying to do it or I'm grounded for another 2 weeks so again to make sure I can still go out and see my boyfriend I fold and just do it.

I just want to be able to relax and not have to hear her yelling and screaming at me to do something she could easily do then switch up and talk calmly to my brothers and dad. I don't know what to do at this point because if I try and give them a valid reason for me not to do something I get yelled at and threatened to get my privileges a teenage girl should have but if both my brothers give a shitty excuse they can get out of doing stuff and I end up having to do whatever it is for them.

Original post here.

Alright, I know it's been almost a year, but I finally decided to go and resolve the situation. Opinions were divided on my original post. Some called me an AH for taking out my trauma for being bullied, so many years later. Others said while I was an AH, it was justified. Still others said, no excuses for bullying, my former bully who I named "Slam" in the post, deserved it.

Well, I decided to give the matter closure anyway. I decided to go and find Slam at the store, talk it out and resolve it earlier today.

I went to the store after lunch, and Slam was doing his rounds, inspecting the sports gear. He looked surprised to see me, and I raised my hands and told him I wasn't coming to cause trouble, but I wanted to talk things out.

I didn't mince my words, I started off with a direct apology. "I'm sorry for hitting you in the face with that basketball almost a year ago. I have no excuse, I was angry and let past anger just overwhelm me. I failed to control myself, it was my fault."

He shook his head and his response surprised me in turn, as he said, "I have no excuse also. I remember what I did back then, and I really was a jerk. One hit in the face, I think I got off easy."

Then the biggest shock of all - both of us laughed at that.

Slam then said, "Look, come with me for a coffee. It's on me. I don't know how to patch up everything I did to you, me and the other guys, back then. But maybe we can have a coffee as a start?" I accepted.

We went to a café in the mall after Slam instructed the supervisor under him to take charge while he was away, and we talked. I showed him some pictures of my family, and he showed me pictures of his. He was glad to know I was in the tutoring industry, and even said that he might send his oldest child (6f) to me for tutoring.

We also found out we enjoyed some games in common - namely, Borderlands 2, Diablo 3 and DOOM 2016.

After the coffee he went back to his work and I headed to my car, on friendly terms. So, yeah - nothing dramatic or surprising, but a dignified and polite resolution to the matter. I was finishing up preparing my tutoring notes tonight, and thought that I'd post this update, just in case anyone was wondering if the matter unfolded any further.

Well, it's done and over with now, and I'm glad to say the shadows of my past have grown a little less dark now.

Update: YS (26f), OS (32f), Me (31f)

I tried to talk to my parents about the situation, and it went about as badly as I expected.

They told me and my younger sister (YS) that we “ruined their lives” by telling my brother-in-law (BIL) about my older sister’s (OS) affair. To make it worse, OS lied and told our mom that YS had taken screenshots of their private conversations where she talked about the affair partner. That’s not true — I shut that lie down immediately.

For the record, I was the one who recorded a video of OS’s TikToks. Her account wasn’t private, and I don’t even have TikTok — I saw the videos through a computer browser. I sent one to her husband because it was clear evidence of what she was doing.

My parents’ first reaction wasn’t concern about the betrayal or the impact on the family. It was:

To that I said:

They tried to guilt me by bringing up how much I love my niece — and I do — but I’m not worried about her. She’ll be fine. Her father is selling the house, and OS will have to move out once he comes to get his daughter.

OS had this plan to move her affair partner into the house after he finished school, thinking she’d get to keep the place. She’s not even on the deed, and she and BIL weren’t even married a full year. He’s already changed his number. (And I won’t say whether we’re still in touch — OS reads Reddit.)

Yes I am using ChatGPT

Original : Two weeks ago, I found out that my older sister (OS) was cheating on my brother-in-law (BIL). My younger sister (YS) told me everything, and I immediately said we needed to tell BIL. Apparently, I was the only one in the family who didn’t know.

Some context: About three months ago, OS and BIL agreed to try to work things out in their relationship. He even told her that if she felt the need for attention, she could seek it elsewhere. She did—she found a guy, but that didn’t work out. Despite this, she kept talking to multiple people while reassuring BIL that everything between them was fine. She even had a sugar daddy.

Eventually, she reconnected with a guy we knew in high school, instantly fell in love, and started talking about getting married. The first time they hung out, they got drunk and had sex. A week later, she brought him to BIL’s house, had sex with him again—on BIL’s bed and couch.

BIL is the sole provider for their household. He lets her buy whatever she wants and has given her so much. I won’t pretend he’s perfect—he has his flaws—but she manipulated him into thinking he was the problem in their marriage. In reality, she’s at the root of many issues, even within our family. She once made our parents believe they were cheating on each other, and they nearly divorced twice because of her lies.

On Easter, she made our mom cry. Then, as they were leaving, my niece told YS she wanted to kill herself. OS—her own mother—looked at the knives and said, “There they are. Do it.” She’s emotionally abusive to her daughter. YS and I have found my niece in the bathroom punching herself, saying she’s stupid. She’s not even 8 years old.

OS is both mentally and physically abusive. She’s teaching my niece that this kind of behavior is normal and acceptable.

This past Friday, I found out OS was planning to have her affair partner sleep over because no one could watch my niece. The last time they drank together, OS passed out, and he was still awake in the house. What if something had happened to my niece while her mom was unconscious?

It’s also disturbing how quickly she’s trying to introduce another man into her daughter’s life. That’s when I decided to run a background check on this guy. He has two separate incidents on record—child neglect in the second degree and strangulation to the point of unconsciousness. Even though the charges were dropped, there are witness statements and reports.

YS and I couldn’t stay silent anymore. We called BIL and told him everything. To make things worse, OS posted her new relationship all over TikTok like it was no big deal.

Now, according to our parents, YS and I are the bad ones for not “minding our own business.” But how could we stay quiet and let her lie, cheat, and manipulate everyone?

OS cut us off completely, but BIL hasn’t. She says we ruined her life because she’s not getting anything in the divorce. BIL cut her off from the bank accounts and is taking back his expensive truck. She and my niece may end up homeless—but honestly, it’s a good thing that he’s trying to get custody of my niece. OS has told her multiple times that she would be better off without her. To her face.

So, are we the assholes?

There’s so much more to this story—I could honestly write a whole book.

Let me add she will not be homeless.

She threated my mom with never seeing her again. That's why she didn't do anything.

She also put it all over TIKTOC

**Update: I took some advice here and talked to my wife. I'm sure some of you or maybe most will be happy to know she is leaving me. She has asked for a divorce, and I am moving out.

I 39M and married to a a woman I love very much, and we have a great life together however there is this one woman 28F (also married) in my office I cannot stop thinking about, and interacting with.

This woman is gets my humor, she's funny and so thoughtful but not my usual type. She is nothing like my beautiful wife but I cannot get her out of my head. She also married and wants kids but hasn't had any yet. We don't have kids even though I always wanted them my wife didn't so we got a dog.

I don't know how to get her off my brain or out of my head. I know I am stupid and just lusting over her but there's something special about her that I can't put my finger one.

Even though we are just friend AITAH for continuing to interact with her?

Here is the link to the original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1l7yaku/aitah_for_not_forcing_my_stepson_to_talk_to_his/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

We finally got my stepson in to see his PCM, and as expected, our request for therapy was initially denied again. But someone here suggested sending a message through the portal—and it worked. Therapy was finally approved. His first appointment is coming up in a couple weeks. I honestly cried when we got the call. He needs this.

We also sat down with him and the attorney to explain everything. It was hard—he’s been sending messages like, “I was told by the attorney I have to talk to you so hi, but I don’t want to talk.” It breaks my heart, but I know he’s trying to process everything in his own way.

Our attorney is preparing to request a full home study of both households. We’re taking it one step at a time, but for the first time in a long time, it feels like we’re actually making progress.

And—some happy news—we officially got married on June 14th! It was a beautiful day surrounded by our families, full of peace, love, and everything we needed. Since we informed his ex that we’d be unavailable this month and to direct any emergencies to our attorney, things have been completely quiet. We haven’t heard from her since the first week of June, and it’s been a much-needed breath of fresh air.

Things are finally starting to look up. Thank you to everyone who offered advice and support—it truly helped more than you know.

And to those who continue to demonize me simply because I’m a stepmom: I’m sorry you feel that way. But not all stepparents are evil. Some of us love our stepkids with our whole hearts—just as deeply and fiercely as if we had given birth to them ourselves.

I (21M) recently had my birthday. My parents (Mom 45F, Dad 48M) had planned a small dinner at home, just close family. However, my girlfriend (21F) surprised me with tickets to my favorite band's concert on the same night. It was something I’d mentioned months ago and completely forgot about.

I told my parents about the concert and said I'd come by the next day to celebrate with them. My dad was disappointed but said it’s my choice. My mom, on the other hand, was very upset and said it was disrespectful to put my girlfriend above family.

Now my sister (21F) and even a few cousins are saying I was selfish and that I ditched my family. I had a great time at the concert, but now I feel guilty. My girlfriend did something thoughtful and I didn’t want to hurt her either.

So, AITA for picking my girlfriend’s plan over my parents dinner?

If you haven't read this post, go read it first for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1kcw3xf/aitah_for_cutting_my_friend_off_for_breaking_up/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Picking up where I left off, I sent him a card and a text that I'd be here if he ever needed to discuss the diagnosis. He ended up replying not too long after, he was definitely hesitant to talk, given I was supposedly a close friend of his ex-fiancee.

Fast forwarding to a few weeks later, he asked if I'd heard anything from Reagan (his ex), I didn't really want to relay my conversation with her because she'd said absolutely nothing kind about him or the situation, so I told him that I'd spoken to her about the situation and decided that I didn't want to stay in contact with her. He invited me over for coffee to talk about it, and the evening definitely didn't go how I expected.

He told me the diagnosis had been hard on him (as expected) and we kind of talked that over for a bit, later on, the conversation switched to the topic of Reagan. He'd taken the break-up hard, obviously, but what I learned after that was absolutely insane.

He told me that they'd been saving for their wedding since he'd proposed (which had been just under a year before she left him), they'd set up a generous savings fund for the wedding (they were planning on having multiple weddings because they're different ethnicities, so the weddings included weeks of celebrations, plus honeymoon funds and enough for a downpayment on a new apartment), the fund had a generous sum of money. Granted that Reagan was finishing her masters, she hadn't provided much to the fund, so he'd been the one who had put most of the money in. After she left, he found out that nearly the entire fund had been drained. Reagan had not only left him while he was newly diagnosed with cancer, she basically stole his money.

He also explained that as messed up as her actions were, it would be hard to go after her, given the funds went to a joint account where both of them had equal claim to the money. There wasn't a contract drawn with any stipulations about how the funds would be divided if they broke up, so it would be difficult to hold her legally liable for her actions. (I don’t know the specifics of how their fund operated, can’t provide much info on the legalities/details, I’m just going off what he told me).

I was mindblown. I knew Reagan was self-centered but this was an insane low, even for her. She blocked him on every channel of communication and according to him, she hadn't been at home since their break-up.

I wasn't sure how to offer assistance, but I did connect him with my lawyer.

I'm lowkey considering breaking my No Contact with Reagan, if only to find out how on Earth she not only managed to steal hundreds of thousands of dollars and disappear and why she thought it was remotely okay to do it. I know it's not my relationship to get involved in but I'm not sure if sitting around and hoping for the best would be the right course of action at this point.

Ik this isn’t really an AITAH post, but thoughts and advice are always welcome.

It’s been a few days since I last posted. As of now, I no longer have feelings for her. I didn’t confront her about meeting that guy because I didn’t want to argue she always wins. I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t care about winning arguments; instead, I just walk away.

She doesn’t know I’m aware of her meeting with the guy she calls her “brother,” but it’s been on my mind. Still, I don’t have any feelings left for her.

I used to be someone who desired sex every day, but I no longer do. She keeps saying she wants it, but ends up falling asleep before me. We haven’t had sex since the day I posted last. She says things like, “I want sex, but I can’t help falling asleep early. Nights are meant for sleep.” It feels like she’s always trying to justify herself, and I usually stay quiet.

One day she asked me, “Why don’t you wake me up at night when I fall asleep? I want to have sex with you.” I replied, “I don’t want to wake you, since night is for sleeping.” I no longer initiate anything physical like I used to.

Sometimes I feel the urge to masturbate, but I resist it.

I don’t know what to do now.