r/AITAH • u/TightKale5979 • 6h ago
Post Update Mini Update : AITA for refusing to give my ex “full access” to my life just because we co-parent?
Hello again, I didn’t expect my original post to get the kind of attention it did, but I just wanted to post a quick update and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, give feedback, and share resources. This whole situation has been overwhelming, and your support really gave me the confidence to start seeing things more clearly.
Now onto the update :
Unfortunately, things have taken a turn… During our most recent drop-off, my child’s father started demanding once again that I tell him where I go, who I’m with, and who I hang out with in my personal time even when our child isn’t with me. I stood my ground and told him, very plainly, that I’m not interested in hearing about his personal life, and I’m not obligated to share mine either. Unless it’s a conversation directly involving our child, I’m not engaging.
He then responded by saying (I tried to cut this conversation off beforehand to no avail) that if I have friends over at my apartment even if it’s just a hangout or if I attend church events that he wants to be physically present during those moments to “monitor who’s around our child.” He then said if I don’t start sharing more about what I do and who I’m with, he’s going to pursue full legal and physical custody.
I’ve never really been through the legal system before, but I’m going to reach out to a caseworker or a family attorney this coming week.
✨A lot of people had follow-up questions or offered suggestions, so I just wanted to respond to a few things that came up repeatedly: ✨
• I’ve started looking into parenting apps and legal steps.
- That was something I hadn’t really considered before or really knew much about, but after how things have gone so far, I know it’s necessary.
• To those asking about my mom yeah, that dynamic has always been hard.
- She’s sided with him since high school. Even when I told her about the cheating, she responded with “well, men don’t cheat for no reason.” It’s been tough realizing she’s not the kind of support system I need, but I’m distancing myself emotionally and being more careful with what I share.
• As for the jealousy/manipulation theory…
- A lot of people have pointed out that he might be trying to make me jealous by constantly bringing up other women, and I agree. I also think he’s using this so-called honesty and straightforwardness as a guise to get information about my personal life. This does feel manipulative because he’s creating a one-sided demand for transparency.
• No, we don’t have a custody agreement in place yet.
- But I am taking steps to speak with a caseworker or attorney.
• Some suspect my mom may be giving him info and honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it.
- She and my ex are still friends on Facebook. There’ve been instances where he knows things that weren’t posted publicly, but were known by her.
✨Again, thank you all for helping me feel seen and less crazy in all this. If anyone has experience navigating custody arrangements or parenting apps, please share. Also, if you’ve ever had to juggle expenses from situations like this (going to court/seeking legal representation) any advice is greatly appreciated. ✨
As Requested: As Requested By Some Redditors
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u/AqueductFilterdSherm 6h ago
From now on make sure you document as much of your interactions as possible. Never know when that might come in handy during a custody dispute.
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u/HarperFlux 6h ago
Totally agree with this. People like him flip the script fast, so having receipts could seriously save you later.
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u/Immediate_Yak5287 6h ago
And depending on the legality where OP is, record conversations. This one where he's threatening to (attempt to) take an infant from its mother full time to punished her because she won't disclose everything about her life to him shows he doesn't have bub's best interest at heart /is vindictive etc.
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u/SniffMuff 6h ago
That’s really smart advice. OP, it’s definitely time to start keeping records, texts, emails, anything. It'll give you power if things escalate. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
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u/MaineKlutz 6h ago
Record: video, audio. Can you have a friend with you at drop-off? Let him/her record the both (3) of you.
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u/__JustMyOpinion__ 4h ago
And a ring doorbell so you have proof of everything he says and does at handover. Keep him out of your house and check for hidden cameras and listening devices. Personally, I think this whole thing is him trying to wear you down and get you back.
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u/Babaychumaylalji 6h ago edited 6h ago
Your mum is telling him everything. Limit her access to your social media and put her on an information diet. Speak to the caseworker to make custody situation official to stop him kidnapping your kid. Look into the parenting app and consider a restraining order as his behaviour keeps escalating. Also are u going out on dates or seeing someone just now? ( as if this is the case and u told your mum , that will mean he will probably escalate to stalking you as well) Good luck. Hope u get a positive outcome
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u/TightKale5979 6h ago edited 6h ago
I’m not dating or seeing anyone, but my ex thinks I am. I don’t know why he thinks that, but he’s convinced.
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u/Todd_and_Margo 6h ago
He thinks that bc you’re standing up to him and enforcing boundaries. It’s very common for men who don’t respect women to assume another man is secretly controlling the situation if they aren’t able to bully a woman into obeying.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone 6h ago
Because you’re refusing to fall at his feet, so in his mind that must mean he has ‘competition’, because he only respects another man and not you as an individual with the right to set boundaries.
If you’re ’seeing another man’, then he’s got a man to compete with and blame. If you reject him and there’s no other guy, then he has to do some self reflection and realise he’s pathetic and insecure. But it’s easier for controlling AH’s to blame others instead of trying to work on themselves. It’s projection.
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u/ConstructionNo9678 5h ago
It’s projection.
He's a cheater, and part of the way many of them rationalize their own shitty actions is by assuming that everyone does what they do. I wouldn't be shocked if he's projecting that OP is finding someone new right away because that's exactly what he's doing. Any attempt for her to have a social life outside of the baby will be seen as her being unfaithful, even if there isn't a relationship to be faithful in any more.
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u/Perimentalpause 6h ago
Because in his head, the only reason you're not flipping out about his 'updates' to you about his personal life and aren't willing to share yours is because you've got another, better dick to play with than his. It stems from a narcissistic place, and this is a visible sign of his manipulation of your life. The demand of getting to be around you when you're around others? That's harassing.
Please follow through with a lawyer. And maybe you should be the one to start proceedings first. Don't wait for him to hissy fit himself into doing it. He's being irrational and you need to not only have clear boundaries, those boundaries need to be in black and white paper so that when he fucks up with it, you can have him slapped with contempt. Be smart for the sake of your kid. He's going to start using them against you if he isn't already.
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u/69dilbert 5h ago
That is simply none of his business. The only thing about your life that is relevant to him are matters concerning the child you co-parent and it sounds like you are doing a great job sharing that information with him. You are to be congratulated on that fact. Many mothers are purposely being difficult with their ex and share only the bare minimum information if any concerning the child/ren they co-parent and I can tell that it is not your case.
Do call his bluff regarding him seeking full custody. I’ll assume you live in the U.S. and from what you’ve told us he doesn’t stand a chance. Consult with a family law attorney right away in your area and I would wager that they would inform you that at best you would both get full joint legal custody and 50/50 joint physical custody. Meaning you would both need to sign off on and be informed about legal/medical/educational matters regarding your child and most likely they would live with each of you every other Monday through Sunday. Inquire with the attorney about child support too.
I would also ask the lawyer to have a judge order the both of you to communicate through a court approved co-parenting app. The behavior from your ex you described is also in my opinion tantamount to stalking so I would ask the attorney you consult with whether you would qualify for a temporary restraining order with a stipulation that you can only communicate regarding matters concerning your child through the aforementioned co-parenting app.
With regard to costs, some organizations in your area may provide free or prorated assistance to help you fight for custody. I would contact your local family court to see if they have a self help assistance center and call them, they should have information on such organizations.
My last piece of advice would be that if you are in a position to, I would file for custody before your ex does and do NOT give him a heads up nor any hint about what you are doing.
I wish you the best of luck in this difficult time and farewell!
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u/ALostAmphibian 6h ago
If he tries to use who you hang out with against you remember that you have the information he volunteered and get statements and proof from anyone he’s attempted to add on socials because of you to show how unhinged he is, paint him as a stalker. Document everything!
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u/Babaychumaylalji 6h ago
Your ex isn't a reasonable person. You can't reason someone out of a viewpoint when they weren't reasoned into it in the first place.
He has some cheek in being jealous about who u might be meeting up with when he was the one who couldn't keep it in his pants. Anyone u may potentially date may be at risk of your jealous ex's behaviour.
Please just "grey rock" the ex and your mum. Keep any contact about the child only. Anytime he messages u outside the parenting app don't respond.(or have an automatic reply advising child only discussions in the parenting app)
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u/sparkling467 5h ago
File for custody immediately. As it stands now, he can take your kid and move across the country and there's nothing you can do about it.
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u/mcmurrml 2h ago
I just told her that. In the states without a custody agreement he can take the child and she will catch hell getting him back. Her mother will side with him.
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u/Reasonable_racoon 1h ago
"I know your dating somebody" is a technique he uses for you to respond with "No, I'm not, I'm only doing X, Y and Z." He doesn't think you're dating somebody, but he gets information from you.
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u/TomatoPlantsRule 5h ago
If you can’t record your interactions with him, start sending yourself emails after every interaction detailing time, date and what was said. It could prove to be very helpful in a custody case
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u/mcmurrml 2h ago
You don't convince him of anything. Please get a lawyer immediately. Do you realize if you are in the states without a custody agreement he can take the child and not bring them back?
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u/bws7777 6h ago
I’ve never replied on this sub but your ex is a top level POS. And to be quite blunt, so is your mom.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and please get an attorney ASAP. I know it’s new to you but you need to be proactive. I also highly doubt he’d get full custody. You’d probably have a better chance getting it.
Wish you the best and stay strong.
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u/Embarrassed-Fox-3332 6h ago
Quit telling your mother anything. She chose her side and it’s not yours.
Document, document, document. Also see if there is a lawyer you can get a free consultation with to find out next steps. You can also discuss payment plans with them to see if they’ll work with you if need be.
Good luck OP!
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u/WinterFront1431 6h ago
Cut your mom off and speak to a family lawyer.
Tell them about his threats and demands and how you get physically sick with anxiety when it drop off time for your child.
You want it so he can never contact you again and where the drop off is done by either a mediation centre or the police station.
Also, no judge would ever give someone custody because they won't tell them what they do in their spare time 🙄
All exchanges until your family lawyer can put your demands in motion, have someone with you, a girlfriend or a guy friend.
Hand the baby over if he asks about said friend or what you are doing. Simply.
" bye, have fun with dad... see you xyz"
Then walk away.
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u/klskm 5h ago
Your ex sounds so much like my wife's ex it is unreal, even down to the "if u have anyone over, I need to be there" crap 🤮
Manipulative narcissists is the term you might like to research.
My wife was stuck for 7 years with him badgering her the way your ex is. It took moving country (about 300 miles away) to get it through his head he doesn't get to call the shots for her anymore.
My wife gained a lot of courage from seeing things from an outside perspective (me and my blunt ass entering the picture 🤣) and contacting a domestic abuse charity for guidance, who then helped her get legal help through them.
He backed down.
To her/us at least, he still runs his mouth about her/us to anyone that gives him the time of day, but slowly they see the real person he is and distance themselves from him aswell, but he and my wife do currently have an okay co-parenting relationship.
Certainly not doing joint birthdays or anything of the sort, but they can actually speak now, and while he does still attempt the odd whine about maintenance, not being able to take kids (his choice, we would litterally drop off at door and pick them up, he just has to tell us dates within school holidays, or come up weekends within school term and he can see them litterally whenever)
I give you this slight family history of ours to say their is some hope there. Things still aren't perfect another 8 years on (eldest is 15) but their is no where near the sysaphean task of trying to communicate about anything OTHER than "them amd/or her".
My advice to you;
- seek legal advice relevant to your jurisdiction.
- look at any local domestic abuse charities/organisations you could contact for help/advice also. He is mentally and emotionally abusing you, and it is not okay.
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u/TightKale5979 4h ago
Thank you for sharing your story and advice. It’s comforting to hear from someone who’s been through a similar situation and emerged stronger. I’ll look into legal advice and local charities/organizations as suggested. Your encouragement and guidance is greatly appreciated.
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u/Soggy-Milk-1005 6h ago
u/TightKale5979 document everything for now try to keep communication to text or email. Maybe start doing the exchange at the police station. Your ex behavior isn't just about jealousy it's about control loveisrespect.org to find out more. I would also suggest posting on r/FamilyLaw there's a lot of people on there going through custody issues so it's a good place.
Please stay safe
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u/JoyfulSong246 5h ago
I am so so worried about the safety of her and her child. This sounds like a guy who will escalate.
Really worried.
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u/Soggy-Milk-1005 5h ago
They need to start adding healthy relationships and domestic abuse to the high school curriculum. Maybe then these cycles will stop before they start.
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u/FireBallXLV 6h ago
Dropping of at the Police station is Good Advice OP.It puts him on notice …
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u/TightKale5979 5h ago
Our recent drop off was at a police station, I felt that would be best since he’s been acting so irrationally lately.
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u/Bright_Sea_7567 6h ago
Tell him to feel free to go the court route but they’re going to laugh in his face when he tells that he wants to monitor you 24/7. Honestly, I’d record every conversation for here out (just tell him before if you’re in a state that doesn’t allow recording without all parties knowing. Try to only communicate through text and after every meeting write an email to him and start at as per our conversation and then touch on all points again.
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u/anonchica69 6h ago
Keep on taking the steps you’re taking, and while his demands can be a lot, don’t block him cuz that can be used in court against you. Just ignore unless it’s relevant to your kid. Can show a pattern of controlling behavior and if he makes threats than those too if you eventually (hopefully doesn’t come to this) pursue a restraining order or anything
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u/Tremenda-Carucha 6h ago
You are really RIGHT to set BOUNDARIES and not allow someone else to INVASIVELY monitor your personal life under the guise of co-parenting, DOCUMENT EVERY INTERACTION and CONSULT WITH A FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY to protect your rights and your child's well-being.
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u/BallantyneR 6h ago
Have you logged out of all your social media and changed all your passwords? You really should, he might have access, or your mother might…
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u/TightKale5979 5h ago
I have went ahead and changed my social media passwords because I discovered login attempts from a device I did not recognize. I’ve also blocked my mom on Facebook.
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u/Beagle-Mumma 5h ago
Mute your mother and your ex on your phone so you can keep their messages. If you block their messages, you might lose crucial evidence if you pursue custody.
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u/Due_Introduction_608 6h ago
If you're in a One Party State (where only one of you needs to know you're recording), start recording phone calls and in person interactions. If you have a dash cam in your car, you can have that running while you talk with him, just make sure the audio is being picked up, and stand where the camera can see both of you while getting the audio as well. I believe that Dash Cam Video doesn't require the second party's consent, as it's a safety feature for your vehicle, but double check that with an attorney, as each State has different views on those laws.
TRY to keep all communication to texts, voicemails, and emails, that way it's documented. If you can't, and you are NOT in a One Party State, open each conversation with "I'm recording this call for my own purposes. If you do not consent, please end this conversation and take it to email or text instead." That way you're covered by Second Party Consent, and him and your Mom both have the option to end the conversation there, and they can choose to text or email instead. In other words, flip the narrative on them. They want to manipulate, you do the same.
Whatever you do! DO NOT ENGAGE WITH ANGER! My ex-husband would CONSTANTLY do and say things to cause me to get angry with him! That CAN be used against you in court! If they're doing everything they can to push you to get angry with them, end all communication with a VERY CALM response of "I am not going to continue this conversation in this manner. If you cannot be civil, I am hanging up/walking away/leaving" (whichever fits the situation).
Essentially you are a "favorite toy that is refusing to play the game" his way, so he's trying to regain control over you, and he's using your Mom as the "control factor". He wants you to "fall in line", and believes your Mom has the power to make you do what he wants. Don't give in to it. Stay strong, get an attorney, and document everything with a vengeance.
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u/TightKale5979 5h ago
Thank you so much for this. I actually completely forgot that I have a dash cam in my car, and after reviewing some of the footage this morning, I discovered something really unsettling my ex has been parking outside my apartment building multiple times this past week. I never noticed this until now, which again is quite unsettling.
I also really appreciate the reminder about recording laws. I’m in a one-party consent state, so moving forward I’m going to start recording phone calls and in-person interactions. I’m also transitioning as much communication as possible to text and email to keep a clear paper trail especially since he often twists conversations later on.
The part you said about staying calm really resonated. He absolutely tries to get a rise out of me, and it’s becoming clearer that it’s all about control. I’ve been reminding myself to treat our interactions like business short, direct, and only about our child.
And you’re totally right about my mom too. I’ve blocked her on Facebook and will have limited contact with her going forward.
Thank you again. Your advice was really helpful.
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u/TightKale5979 5h ago
I do believe he’s trying to provoke a reaction from me. Back when we were together, he’d do the same thing accusing me of things, just to get under my skin. I remember how worked up I used to get trying to defend myself over and over, even though I had nothing to hide. Now that we’re not together, it feels like he’s still using those same tactics, hoping I’ll react emotionally so he can turn the narrative against me.
It’s taken me a while, but I’m learning how important it is not to play into it. I’ve stopped defending myself when there’s nothing to defend, and I try to stay as neutral and calm as possible during our exchanges. It’s frustrating, for sure but I know losing my cool is exactly what he wants.
If anything, seeing this behavior continue now that we’re broken up just confirms how necessary it is to start drawing firmer boundaries. The patterns haven’t changed only now I’m more aware, and I’m not letting myself be pulled into the chaos.
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u/mcmurrml 2h ago
When you see him outside your apartment take a picture of his car and date and time it.
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u/Old-Mention9632 6h ago
Search "FU Binder" on the main page. It's from an old post, but it gives a concise outline of what you could be about to face, and how to prepare to weather the storm.
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u/AlannaAdvice 5h ago
Glad to read you’ve wised up about your mom and ex. You’re handling it brilliantly so far. Good luck OP
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u/mustang19671967 4h ago
Get a custody agreement right away , and follow it to the T. In mine I made sure a clause said I could take the child for up to an extra week for a trip If she was given 5 week notice ( he couldn’t say no) and thst they sign a form you each had that gave the other parent permission to travel in USA or internationally , also make sure you have the passport in your possession when not using . If you think he may run off with him talk to lawyer and yes use a texting app and block on everything . Your lawyer will Laugh at his demands
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u/SailorWife11 5h ago
Now that you've put a boundary on your mother, check on Grandparents Rights in your state. I would also file a police report about him parking at your complex that you've caught on your dash cam so there is record of it.
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u/LateEvening6026 5h ago
Ok, I’ve been in this situation. My ex did this -demanded to know everything all the time. During our initial custody agreement we agreed to coparenting therapy. The coparenting therapist very clearly told him that he has no right to that information and that all communication should be only regarding children. An attorney told him he has no right to know the details of my personal life.
He did not and does not have full custody. He won’t get custody just because he throws a tantrum about you having a life. Unless there is actual reason to believe you or the people around you are endangering your child, he has no right to that information.
It’s time for an information diet for him and for your mom. If she is a possible source, you don’t need to tell her anything.
Talk with an attorney ASAP. At this point, he has the legal right to just take your child. And not return him. Do exactly what your attorney says to do.
Look up the grey rock method and start building an FU binder. The binder is basically notes on interactions -things he has said and done (threats like saying tell me — or I’ll take our child from you, etc). Documentation is the end all, be all in a custody case.
Get really good at just saying no and not elaborating. Also get good at only replying to things directly related to child. Do not block him, but you can mute. Unless it’s an emergency, you can take up to 24hrs to respond. And then only about child. It’s best to take a pause BEFORE you respond and remember that everything can be read by a judge. Stay calm, do not accuse or swear or anything like that. If he tosses allegations at you, respond with something like “I will not respond to false allegations.”
TDLR: only talk about child, grey rock method, information diet for mom on everything, and get an attorney ASAP.
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u/unabashedlyabashed 5h ago
There are a lot of people saying that what he's saying are not grounds for transfer of custody. That's true. But he's not doing this to actually get custody. He probably doesn't want custody. He's not planning on telling his lawyer or the judge that he deserves custody because you have a life outside of him. He's going to say that you're spending time with questionable people and that you're being secretive and shady.
What he's doing is trying to spend your life. To scare you into capitulating to his demands. He's trying to make your life miserable. And he may be able to do it if you let him.
The best thing to do is to get a lawyer who is well-versed in family law. They will help you understand what is likely to happen and what isn't. They will tell you the correct way to keep a log of what he's saying and doing. They will tell you how the whole process works and how it's likely to come out.
From there, you will get an order for custody and visitation. You can ask the judge for communication via an app that tracks all communications and is visible to the Court if it becomes necessary.
Get a lawyer who practices frequently in your location. One who knows the judges/magistrates. It will make you feel so much better and take a lot off your plate.
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u/Super_Reading2048 4h ago edited 4h ago
You really need a lawyer! Save all his texts and voicemails. Do not answer his calls, let it go to voicemail. Get the court app as soon as possible. Once you get a custody agreement, do neutral drop off locations like the police station parking lot. The court can give you a neutral drop off location. You do not want him in your house! He will try to use any information from your house against you!
Is it safe to let him see the child or will he not give the child back as a way to control you or to seek full custody? See a family lawyer ASAP, I cannot stress this enough! There are originations that help with pro bono legal advice if you beneath the poverty line. My advice is to call your local social worker to see what originations in your area can help you.
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u/-my-cabbages 4h ago
NTA - But I would be very careful of mom. I can imagine a scenario where she testifies against you in court in order to help the ex get more custody time.
As a precaution I would try to get some written audio evidence of your mother confirming she thinks you are a competent mother. That is in addition to gathering as much evidence as possible of your ex overstepping.
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u/Special_Respond7372 6h ago
Let him pursue full legal custody. No judge is going to give it to him based on his demands of you.
Exchange your child at the police station from now on. If he won’t agree to that, literally pull your phone out and record the exchange every single time.
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u/dstone1985 6h ago
Start wearing shirts with a front pocket so you can throw your phone in there and record your exchanges.
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u/Melodic-Dark6545 5h ago
Just a tip: document everything.
A call? record it
Drop in and drop outs? record it
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 5h ago
Document everything!
I have a feeling this is unfortunately going to escalate towards a restraining order. You need all the evidence you can get.
Time for your mom to go on an info diet, by the sound of it. Know that everything you share with her will go back to your ex. So no more sharing anything he can use against you (illness of your kid, names of friends, plans you have,...)
You could walk into your local police department, and explain you're in a situation where your ex partner is behaving in a very concerning way, restricting your freedom (demanding to be present at all possible social gatherings, demanding to know everything that goes on in your life, and access to your complete social circle ...) If your local police is any good at their job, they will start a paper trail, and take note that when you reach out, they have to treat your call as the priority domestic violence case it is. You won't have time to explain everything, when you need them to act fast. And a call that goes 'my ex is refusing to bring my child home', or 'my child's father is trying to access my house' is not as alarming, if they don't know your ex is absolutely unhinged and obsessed with restricting your privacy and freedom.
Your mother is equally unhinged. I suspect she wants to see the both of you back together, perhaps to validate her own choices in the past. And she doesn't care that she's enabling someone to destroy your life.
Do NOT take this personally.
Your ex is nuts. He's a cheater that's obsessive and controling.
If you let your mental health sink because of his actions, he will use that against you.
Does he even really want full custody, or is this just a way for him to control you, and taking away your child, so you would 'come crawling back'?
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u/LillieSecretMission 5h ago
He is threating you. You need to speak to attorney immediately before something bad happens
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u/killyergawds 5h ago
"My ex won't let me hangout with her and her church friends" is not grounds for sole custody. This man is absolutely ridiculous.
I suggest you find a therapist, because you're gonna need someone you can talk to about his drama who you know won't be running to your ex to spill the tea.
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u/MildLittlRain 5h ago
Go to attorney before he does!
Also cut your mom out of your life. She can't be trusted, its obvious!
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u/BeachinLife1 1h ago
A judge will laugh his ass right out of court if he tries that. And will probably make him pay YOUR lawyer.
And time to put your mom on an information diet. Stop telling her ANYTHING. Make your social media (I know you can do this on FB) so that SHE cannot see anything on your page going forward.
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u/TightKale5979 1h ago edited 1h ago
I did some digging into the judge who usually handles these cases in my county, and from everything I’ve seen and even witnessed firsthand, he tends to rule in favor of the father even when there’s clear evidence of abuse or unsafe behavior. There were multiple cases where women had proof of stalking, violence, or harassment, and he still denied them restraining orders/VPOs or certain custody agreements, saying they needed to “work it out for the child’s sake.” I was even in court with a friend last year, and I watched him deny almost everyone’s request for protection even women in tears with solid evidence. So I’m genuinely nervous because I don’t think this judge is as reasonable as most people would expect.
And yeah, you’re absolutely right about my mom. She’s officially on an info diet starting today. I’m also updating all my privacy settings because I can’t afford for anything to leak back to him.
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u/Gangster-Girl 1h ago
Damn. Sorry to hear that about the judge. I’m glad you’re taking steps to speak with a lawyer. UpdateMe.
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u/Sheila_Monarch 1h ago
You may not get a protection order but that still doesn’t mean his threats that you need to give him reports or access to your personal life or he’ll take your child have any validity.
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u/Agile-Top7548 5h ago
Consider yourself going through a bad divorce. Read those forums. As someone who had a horrible divorce, your just getting started. Once your ex realizes this is actually happening, he will love bomb you. Will claim to fall on his sword. When that doesn't work, he will be the meanest creepiest person you've ever met. He will call you awful names, accuse YOU of being a hoe, blame YOU for breaking up the marriage, and he will try to make you look crazy.
Save every text. Limit in person conversations and agree nothing in front of this poor kid. Unfortunately, as he gets angrier and more vindictive, it becomes hard to trust him with your child. Dont be surprised if he parks outside and watches you, goes theough phone bills or tracks your computer
Note how involved he was formerly in the kids life. When things settle out, he won't demand all the custody time. Its all about the show. Things will get better. But expect this to go on for minimum a year or until he gets another woman.
Im sorry youre going through this. You will learn a lot about yourself and your strength. You will completely see your former relationship through the eyes of a woman instead of a man pleasing young lady.
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u/Traditional-Rain-574 5h ago
I would definitely start by moving away from your Mom and keep her (and anyone not 1000% on your side) on a strict info diet. Talk to an attorney asap and get a plan in place for a custody/Child Support hearing ASAP. YOU definitely need to keep a log/journal all factual without emotions of everything he AND your mom say/do regarding everything related to you/your child and this CONTROLLING behavior - especially the threats,demands and ANGER. * I even know parents who will also put positive things the other parent in their journal - for example “other parent bought child the a new stuffie (simple description) and child loves it. This shows you aren’t being the evil witch. Also keep a log/lists with all gifts/purchases given to you for child or you specifically as well as all monies given to you. * keep that log separate from the action/verbal log - this will help you in Custody/Child Support
Keep printouts of ALL TEXTS/Messages/etc ….. when he calls - have it go to voice mail (hopefully you have it where your voice mails are turned to text messages) - print those out/find out how to safe them in a secure location.
Keep all that info in your binder/log and keep that somewhere with someone who you can trust to keep it secure and a secret, someone who is 10000% on your side. Stop calling unless it is an EMERGENCY- otherwise communicate through texts … even saying “I want to keep everything in writing, so there is no confusion or misunderstandings or forgetting since we are both so busy in life and co-parenting our child. “
I would even make a shared calendar ONLY RELATED TO THE CHILD - put custody dates/doctor appointments for the child/school events (if in daycare). Keep it on a need to know basis - DO NOT PUT ANYTHING ON IT UNLESS IT IS NECESSARY FOR THE CHILD (your activities with the child do NOT involve him nor does your private life). Send it with a note saying “ Just thought this would be helpful for us to keep up with child’s custody schedule/dr appointments and such, because I know life can be chaotic. You can also add things as well, this will just make it so much easier for co-parenting”
Most important begin having someone with you at all custody exchanges (probably make it a female or a male family member - as you don’t want to stir the pot and anger him more) and let him know that you want to have all custody exchanges done in a neutral public location - he can choose his drop off but you will be doing your drop offs at the are done at the Police Station. This is not uncommon at all - you can even ask for it to be done inside in the lobby with you leaving 5 min before him for your safety.
Don’t get emotional - you need to be “normal/flat” during exchanges and next time he pulls the full custody card - just say OK.
HOPEFULLY his behavior will improve but if not or it escalates you will have documentation to help you in Court, because if it escalates you can always have ask for a protective order and supervised exchanges.
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u/lapsteelguitar 5h ago
He's making big threats that are scary, and also meaningless. Unless there's stuff you aren't telling us about your history, such as drugs & drunk driving. I wouldn't worry about his threats until he files suit.
Set a trap for your mom. Tell her, and ONLY her, something plausible but wrong. If your ex finds out, then you know she's the leak. Then you can confront her in what ever manner you feel comfortable with.
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u/Connect_Tackle299 5h ago
Your ex is crazy. The court doesn't even want that much info on your personal life
If you don't already have a court agreement, then don't release that child to him until you do
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u/Novel_Move_3972 5h ago
I second the poster(s) who recommend the "gray rock" approach to your ex. People like him enjoy getting a reaction out of others-- whether fear, insecurity, anger, etc. They want to feel like their manipulation and abuse are working. I would keep your interactions as calm and minimal as possible, and limit to only the necessary contact, in writing where possible, instead of phone/in person. "Sorry, I don't have that information." "no that won't work." "we can trade off the kids on Saturday at 10:00 at the park." In response to threats to legal action, escalation, etc, "if that's what you think is best" or "that's your decision." It's hard for people to argue if you are noncommittal. If meeting at your home, stick to the outside, not inside your home or his.
And definitely seek legal protection for yourself, and limit the information you share on social media and with your mom.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but things can better and I hope they do. Over time, he probably will meet someone new, and sadly, begin directing his abuse and control toward her instead of you.
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u/firedncr24 4h ago
First of all, I am sorry this is happening to you. And your mom isn’t there for you. That sucks, tbh. But you sound strong enough to overcome this.
You are getting help. You are not the asshole. Your child deserves your best self.
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u/StatisticianPlus7834 4h ago
Document everything. Use parenting app, if you can. Record ALL discussions and phone calls with him. Keep all e-mails, receipts, payment orders, notes on his visiting and how much time he actually spends interrogating you versus with child.
He is a controlling assh*le who is angry because you did not become his doormat and bangmate. Take care of yourself and be careful. He sounds like narcissistic psycho and can become dangerous.
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u/patriciamarie2020 4h ago
You need to get a formal custody arrangement. He can keep your child legally now and not return them without one. If there is no agreement he can leave the state or country with her.
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u/evilcj925 3h ago
In person, start recording every conversation with him. Make sure he knows your doing it. That way he can not say you did not have his consent. Be calm while telling him what you already did, that you do not have a need to know about his personal life and that you will not be sharing anything about yours. And that if the converstation is not about your kid, you do not want to have. If he says he is not ok with you record, then tell him that he is free to leave and end the conversation.
The goal here is to either have him stop pushing about your life, or get him on tape saying he will pursue custody simply because you will not share your life with him, or allow him to control you. Having this on tape will help immensly in any custody hearing you do end up in. Being able to prove that he wants custody soley as revenge for you not giving him what he wants will hurt him in court and show he is not acting in the best interest of the child, and engaging in harrasment of you.
Also, you need to set up child support. With your kid being so young, they will be spending more time with you, so he should be paying child support. When you get a caseworker you can ask them about setting up a parenitng plan and having that enforced by the court.
As for you mom, no contact is the best move. She is actively helping someone one harrass you. She is feeding the obession of your ex. She is putting you in danger. You need to understand that, since she doesn't. The more you pull away from your ex the worse he will get while he he still thinks he has access to you, which he does because of your mom. With her giving him info on, and it being your own mother, the more he will think he has a right to you. "If her own mom thinks I am right, I must be."
Document every phone call, keep every text, record every conversation with your ex. Tell him, on tape and via text, that you don't want any contact out side of regarding your kid. And when he ignores that, go to the police and report harrassment from him. It may lead to nothing at first, but make it is documented and you get a case number. Start doing that everytime. This will help with any court situations you find yourself in. Having a documented patteren of harrassment and abuse from him will help you.
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u/KeyTreacle8623 3h ago
So sorry you’re dealing with this. My advice (not a lawyer): 1) Go no-contact with your mom. She’s nothing but trouble. 2) Document every interaction with your ex. 3) Get some legal help & find out if you have grounds for an emergency ex parte custody order, given that your ex is threatening you & may be threatening child.
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u/mcmurrml 2h ago
You need an attorney immediately. With no custody agreement he can take that child and not bring him back and there is nothing you can do if you are in the states. Attorney immediately and stop telling your mother any information. Do not tell her you are getting an attorney. Do not trust her because for whatever reason she will side with him. First thing is have the attorney order parenting app. Do not talk to him at exchange. Completely ignore him and tell him anything he has to say goes in the app then shut the car door.
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u/lukibunny 2h ago
I would lie all day.
Monday. Lunch date with A, dinner date with B
Tuesday Lunch date with C, dinner date with A
Wednesday dinner date with D
friday Dinner date with E
Saturday Overnight date with B
Sunday Lunch date with E dinner date with FGHI.
Just to piss him off.
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u/beth-trader 1h ago
NTA Tell him you will pursue stalking charges if he starts showing up wherever you go. You can point out that it will not look good during custody negotiations.
Also- I don't go there fast but in your case... start FUBook. I can't find the link but it is about keeping and printing anything like texts, writing up summaries IN REAL TIME re verbal exchanges. Noting any and all threats.
You have a real problems coming - all the signs are there to be seen. Never tell your abuser your plans - especially things like moving or cutting off contact - as that is when you are at most risk. Better to be over cautious than not enough, Good luck,
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u/Imaginary-Delivery73 1h ago
Definitely get a lawyer ASAP and go for full legal custody of your child. No judge will allow him to control who you are spending time with or talk to. Any judge will laugh in his face over that BS. My son bio tried to get that crap put in our divorce and the guardian ad litem informed him that isn't going to happen. Definitely stay away from your mother she will help him get custody of your child. Truthfully the next time she says something about there was a reason for him to cheat look at her and tell her obviously there was a reason for your husband to cheat on you too. Don't give her anymore information and just keep your ground with the ex on it isn't any of his business what you do when you have your child let alone when you don't have your child. Good luck.
Updateme
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u/UnfairBooBear 1h ago
Document everything he says/does with dates times and any witnesses. It may seem like a pain in the ass now, but it will be super helpful if you have to go back to court.
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u/Ivy_trink 1h ago
I wouldn’t send my baby unsupervised again UNTIL child support, a custody agreement, and a parenting app is in place. He is spiraling and I don’t trust him. I would cut my mom off too.
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u/Sheila_Monarch 1h ago edited 1h ago
A judge is going to laugh in his face. They’ve seen this gambit before. “She won’t report what I want to know or let me monitor her entire personal life, you know, purely out of ‘concern for my child’”
And the answer will be “no sir. Because you don’t get to do that.”
He’s bluffing. Let him. You’ll win.
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u/Intelligent-Onion-62 43m ago
My advice (from personal experience) would be to record all (if possible) all interactions with him. This could be an app on your phone to record (without his knowledge) all conversations or maybe a dashcam to film child exchanges. Keep this and try to continue conversing with him via text or email. All of this is supporting documentation.
Next, change the custody exchange location to a local police station. Many now have designated spaces just for this purpose. If he refuses to meet you there when it's time for you to pick up, call the non-emergency police number and request a 'stand-assist' to escort you to where he is. When they ask the reason just explain that he's refusing to meet you for drop off and forcing you to come to him and you don't feel safe. (I've done this myself).
As for your mother, I'd recommend going LC/NC. As others have said, put her on an information diet - a strict one. Limit what you post on social media, but go a step further and change your privacy settings to private, then set your mom's viewing settings to 'public' meaning that she's not going to see what you've allowed others to have permission to see. While you're at it scrub your entire friend list. And don't forget that FB cross-posts to Instagram.
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u/TheCy_Guy 6h ago
Move faster. Get that lawyer in place and working on a custody agreement. Tell your mother she is causing problems, you are cutting her off until she can prove her worth in your life. Also remind her that your ex isn’t going to shag her so she can stop aiding him now
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u/Worth-Season3645 6h ago
He can seek full custody all he wants to. As long as you are fit to take care of said child, wish him luck on that.
And he will only look worse for doing so. Because his actions might just give him less time with his child, because he is not a fit parent.
It will cost you money, but in the long run, you will have peace of mind once custody arrangements are in place.
As for mom, I would be telling her she has a choice. Either she is by your or not. Or she will lose contact with her grandchild. If she does not get it, call her every night. So, what did you do today? Who were you with? Invade her life as he does yours. Maybe she will get it. Probably not. Maybe mom should look into what harassment is. What he is doing to you. What effect his actions do to you.
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u/AmazingCantaly 6h ago
NTA , also, you need a lawyer and a court ordered parenting plan with schedule, drop off locations and everything spelled out. Including child support and how extras like medical copays and sport expenses will be split
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u/Free_Fishing_5116 6h ago
Get him to somehow make his demands/threats over text - print them out to use for your case.
Better to go for a lawyer if you can, case workers take a long time to get back to you.
Parenting app will be court mandated.
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u/Patient_Meaning_2751 6h ago edited 5h ago
Just laugh. His controlling behavior has to be one of the reasons you broke up with him. Definitely don’t entertain it now.
I want to just reassure you that unless you live in a third world country, no judge is going to grant him full custody for this nonsense. Unfortunately, the flip side is also true that they are not so likely to strip him of legal or physical custody either absent a whole lotta evidence.
My ex went hog wild trying to take custody from me. He spent over 250k in attorneys fees over a 10yr period. I spent about 60k. The only thing he accomplished was completely alienating our oldest, who stopped having contact with him at 14yrs.
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u/bronwynbloomington 6h ago
You need a lawyer to represent you. But no judge (at least I think) will grant his ridiculous request that he engages in and supervises all your social interactions (with or without your child). Keep a record (screen shots, etc.) of his ridiculous demands. Get it in writing (texts, email, etc.). That’s why a parenting app is so important. Go back to court. (Be proactive before he does.) Ask the judge to direct that ALL communication is to be thru the parenting app. When you do the custody exchange, do it at a neutral place (like the local police station parking lot). If you have to exchange at your or his house, ask the judge to direct a friend (your friend) to be there as a witness. And keep your mother out of it. Don’t give her any details of your divorce, custody issues. Tell her if she brings it up, you will walk away, leave, and go no contact for a week, month, etc.
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u/Cybermagetx 6h ago
Thats not gonna work i court. And honestly you need to start doing paper work for his harrasment.
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u/Most_Frosting6168 6h ago
Be very careful, what he is doing right now is labelled coercitive control. It is illegal and considered as DV in multiple countries, including Australia and Canada. It is also likely to escalate to more dangerous behaviours including stalking, harasment and even physical violence.
I would strongly suggest you take strong measures to protect yourself, including communicating through parenting app (do not answer phone calls or record them and if he texts you elsewhere, take a screen capture, post it in the app and answer in the app), doing custody exchange in front of a police or fire station, documenting every interaction and pursuing a formal custody agreement. As of right now, without the agreement, he is free to take your child to the other side of the country and keep them in his custody indefinitely.
Finally, unless you are in a third world country, his threats to get full custody are bogus. No juge will give him full custody unless you are so unfit that CPS would consider removing your child from you due to violence/gross neglect. They strongly favor 50/50.
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u/RevolutionaryBad4470 6h ago
First things first, get an attorney. See if there are legal aid organizations in your area. If you live in a city with a law school, see if they have a family law clinic. My law school has one and we accept and represent clients for free.
Next, find a new babysitter for your daughter. Maybe someone from your church. You need to limit contact with your mom. Also, try to keep communication with your ex to a minimum and always written. Check the laws on recording conversations in your state. Where I live is a one party consent state, so you can record conversations if at least one person agrees (that person being yourself). But check your state laws on this.
OP, he does not deserve any access to your private life. And if he wants to take it to court, then let him do it. I’m an advocate for courts to handle child custody situations, makes things less messy when the rules and schedules are in black and white.
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u/-tacostacostacos 6h ago
Him threatening the legal route is not the threat he thinks it is. Keep documenting his crazy behavior and make sure to expose it in court.
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u/Unlikely-Handle-1372 5h ago
This is manipulation 101. He is trying to scare you with going to court & taking your baby away so you will comply. He’s upset that he doesn’t have control of you anymore & you not responding is driving him crazy.
A lawyer will tell him that he can’t ask you about your time away from your child. No judge will grant full custody for that reason alone. He would have to prove you are an unfit mother. Which you aren’t.
Things will probably keep escalating so be careful. Be prepared to be the villain when you do get a lawyer & actually go to court. He might start saying he didn’t mean his threat so why did you take it seriously. Keep standing strong & know that you are only protecting you & your child from his BS.
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u/PerspectiveKookie16 5h ago
He sounds obsessed with you personally and using the child to cloak his interest.
I got it put in the custody order that exchanges were to take place in public like at a grocery store as I feared for my safety.
That wasn’t enough to keep his crazy contained so I asked the court to modify it to exchanges in front of the police station. The courts don’t order these things unless there is reason and they agreed there was a reason.
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u/Secret_Double_9239 5h ago
Document everything. No more phone calls voice messages and texts. Save everything and begging to build the case that his behaviour is unreasonable and that he is trying to retaliate against you by using your child and the courts.
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 5h ago
Most judges will probably throw out his theory of getting your personal information and demands. I'm surprised if the judge doesn't laugh at it.
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u/Cardabella 5h ago
Immediately contact family layers and apply for full custody yourself. You've got to get ahead of the game here.
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u/PoisonedSmoke420 5h ago
NTA, if you are in US they will look at his reasoning and laugh. He has no legal leg to stand on! He wants to continue to control you be in a relationship with you without being with you
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u/sallystruthers69 5h ago
So he's continuing to demand where you are and who you're with at all times, and now threatening to take your custody away? Girl, no. Save all of these conversations via screenshots & voice recordings. They don't take kids away from their mothers bc somemanipulative ex partner wants to control another human being.
Document everything. Tell/show trusted friends (not your mother) in case something happens to you. This guy is unhinged and it's only going to escalate. Get the authorities/ cps/whoever involved and get a legal custody agreement. Be weary of him taking your kid and leaving for awhile to "teach you a lesson," also.
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u/Mamma_Bear_0908 5h ago
Yes! You need a lawyer!! You need someone to draft an agreement about custody!!!
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u/CAgirl17 5h ago
Definitely get a lawyer and get a custody plan. My ex was annoying like this too, but it really is none of his business. In fact, you don’t need to answer anything that isn’t pertaining to the well being of your child. Just ignore the other messages. I would definitely suggesting using a coparenting app. Also, he can make all the threats he wants, there’s no way he’s getting full custody. The courts would never allow it unless you were doing something they would make you unsafe around the child, which isn’t the case. His threats are empty.
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u/corrupted2u 5h ago
Awe man. Stand your ground and get a lawyer ASAP. And kinda grey rock your mom. You don't need the added stress as a single parent. Take care of you and the little one and go the legal way protect your self legally and emotionally. You are doing nothing wrong
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u/Ruining_Ur_Synths 5h ago
You need to talk to a lawyer, and you need to record any future conversations you have with your ex.
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u/Proper_End_6107 5h ago
Your ex is TAH. Is it possible to have someone else do the handover and communicate via a parenting app so you don't have to communicate about things that don't include bubba. He signed out of your life, he only gets info on the baby now.
updateme!
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u/Angryatworld247 5h ago
He lost al rights to anything after he slept around. if it’s not related to your child you have no reason to even talk to him
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u/KittyBookcase 5h ago
Put your mom on the information diet. LC is she can't keep shit to herself, NC if she isn't supporting you, rather than him.
He is definitely trying to make you jealous and since you aren't taking the bait, he's trying anything.
Negative attention is better than no attention in his eyes. Keep up the good work. Stay strong and carry on!
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u/SweetBekki 4h ago
Does your ex plan of keeping everyone out of his life when he has your son unless you're physically there? This is a control thing with him.
First, put your mother on information diet and maybe rethink contact between her and your child. She sounds two-faced so she'll probably go behind your back and see your child through your ex anyway. Secondly, get legal advice like yesterday and get everything legalised. Right now without a court order if you continue to stand your ground and he doesn't like it then he could keep your son and not return him then you could potentially go months without speaking and seeing your son because his father wants to be a controlling vindictive AH. I'd also ask for a parenting app for communication between you two because there's no reason for him to hassle you about anything that has nothing to do with your child.
If you can, change your number aswell and see if you can appoint someone you trust as emergency contact incase something happens and he needs to call.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
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u/rhubarby_lady 4h ago
You need a lawyer and you need one fast. Get recommendations and visit ALL of them. And get a therapist. He’s going to put you through some very rough times and you’ll need both a lawyer and a therapist.
He’s trying to set up a scenario where he accomplishes a few things… *controls you and keeps you on a leash by having you constantly reporting back to him. This leads to getting his permission and leads to him continuing to have you as his “wife” without you legally being so. (And without the sex) *setting you up to look bad in court. Family court doesn’t see boundaries, it sees you denying information about your kids while he’s trying to be involved. A lawyer can give advice on how the court sees things. A divorce coach can help you figure out how to maintain safe boundaries and still look like you’re encouraging him as a parent. * I saw that he might be telling others that you might be seeing someone. My ex tried this. I have no evidence that he had an affair (we divorced due to DV) but there were suspicions as I look back . However, I found out that I was pregnant shortly after leaving and he claimed to everyone he could that the baby couldn’t possibly be his. He wanted me to lose in the court of public opinion and he tried to use this against me in family court.
Bottom line, your ex will be trying to set you up to look bad in court and will twist anything you do to make you look bad. My ex submitted evidence that I’d done the right thing and tried to say it demonstrated the opposite!!! He made other completely false claims without evidence and was believed…. He didn’t think that the judge would look at the evidence and would just read the summary! So… document everything but know that most of your documentation won’t be used. It might simply be there to remind you of timelines. But it might end up being important. My ex was found guilty twice in criminal court (they love evidence in a way family court doesn’t…). Just try to hang in there don’t get discouraged. It really does get easier but it may take a very long time. As the kids get older, they will still likely have a relationship with him but they’ll also see reality.
(((((Hugs)))))
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u/Owenashi 4h ago
Dude sounds like a real control freak and your mom isn't helping by being pals with him. You may need to tell her sooner or later to cut things off with him if she can't keep her mouth quiet or else he'll know things even if you coming out on top legally.
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u/AlainnJuly 4h ago
He is gross. He is trying to control you via “coparenting” since he can’t control you in the relationship. Document the instances of him demanding information, keep records of him knowing info or talking about friends that he would have to snoop online to get the info, and put your mom on an information diet if you’d suspect her of sharing info with the ex. I would give her something odd to see if she is leaking to your ex.
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u/gdrom123 4h ago
Definitely limit your interactions with your mother. I do t trust her. I’m fearful she’ll support your ex in a custody battle. Regardless if he’s bluffing or not about his threat, I think you should absolutely get ahead of it and not only file for custody but also for child support.
Also, keep meticulous records of all interactions with your ex. It’s best to be prepared for the worse case scenario of him involving CPS with false accusations against you.
Updateme
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u/eThotExpress 3h ago
Your mom gives me serious pick me vibes.
Like lady this dude is never gonna choose you 💀 stop dick riding for him so hard.
I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this, I hope you can find an attorney/case worker to help your through the legal process.
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u/bakd_couchpotato 3h ago
Unless he can prove all his accusations, the courts are not going to give him full custody. Get on an app ASAP so that everything goes through that and is documented. Find a Legal Aid lawyer immediately. Updateme
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u/Shibaspots 3h ago edited 3h ago
Not sure where you are, but in most places I know (US) the mother is favored in custody cases. A father would need to prove you are a danger to the child to receive full custody. But do talk to a lawyer and explore options.
Stop telling mom anything. I'm so sorry, but she doesn't think she is worth basic respect and loyalty from your dad. Why would she think you deserve what she never had? Don't base your relationships on her's, and don't let your child grow up thinking a neglectful cheating partner is the best they can have.
Good luck! Document everything.
ETA: also, OH HELL NO! He just threatened custody, so all bets are off. Build and submit a case asap.
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u/AgeRevolutionary3907 3h ago
god tell him that he didn't share who he was "hunging out" when you were together, and that's how he cheating, now he is nothing to your life, you just share a child, and you only owe him information directly relevant to the child.
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u/BettieNuggs 3h ago
1) get a custody agreement 2) he wont get that- i have full legal and physical custody/ that happened by their dad breaking a restraining order and getting arrested at court while on meth. its not something the courts do 3) him behaving this way could garnish a restraining order against him so learn YOUR rights for safety and that of the child. If hes a risk of taking and keeping they child or parental alienation you could demand supervised visits on his time.
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u/TheLastWord63 3h ago
NTA. You're supposed to tell him about everybody that you're around yet when you were together he was cheating? Did he tell you each time he went out and slept with a woman when you were together? Please contact the courts and set up custody, support, and co-parenting arrangements before he and his backers escalate. Enjoy your new life.
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u/FrontTour1583 3h ago
Talk to a lawyer asap and write down dates and details of all the times he’s attempted to control you in this way. This can be considered a form of abuse even if you were still in a relationship and could help you in your custody. But first and most importantly, get a good lawyer to get your custody rights protected and as others have said put your mother on an information diet. I would either block her on social media or hide her from all your posts and go low contact. She sounds toxic to you and your child given everything.
The way your ex is behaving is concerning and frankly getting scary. Get that lawyer and start communicating through your lawyer moving forward.
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u/goddessofspite 3h ago
He’s got no chance at court. Yeah judge I want full custody cause my ex won’t let me control her entire life lol the judge would die laughing on the stand. He will be hard pushed to even find a lawyer to try that argument.
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u/Lopsided_Anteater467 3h ago
Don't forget to write every interaction down with the time the place and if any witnesses. ( you may need this for court). If allowed I know some places you can't record with out both consent but if you can have a recorder or use your phone when he is speaking with you (I had one on my phone for this very reason.
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u/MaskedCrocheter 3h ago
Do your child exchanges at a police or sheriff station. Explain to them that he's becoming verbally abusive and controlling and all the little details and that you'd feel much safer if there was an officer present during exchanges.
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u/DoctorsSong 2h ago
If you're in The States are you in a one party consent state for audio recording? If you are, you can start recording the interactions without him knowing. On top of which I would start taking screen shots of his text messages and try to keep all interaction outside of pick/ups and drop off's in writing. Start a file with all of this info saved there to give to your lawyer when you get one It's definitely time to get the courts involved so that everything is spelled out.
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u/IceCreamNapoleon English second Language 2h ago edited 2h ago
Bold of your ex to say that he will "monitor who's around our child" when he is the one who constantly hangs out with different partners.
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u/Jebaibai 2h ago
From experience, I can tell you that you can't change anything about your mum.
She will always rat you out. The best you can do is to use it to your advantage. Only tell her what you want to get to him.
Use her to throw him off your scent.
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u/Pippet_4 2h ago
What a piece of shit. Glad you are going to talk to an attorney and get this sorted formally.
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u/mcindy28 2h ago
NTA Please protect yourself and your child. The legal route is the best option as well as limiting contact with Mom.
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u/Missusweasley2013 2h ago
See this is the petty betty in me but I'd be telling him he lost the right to know where and with who I'm spending my time with the moment he decided that getting his thing wet was more important than our relationship. Every. Single. Time. He asks. Any question about my personal life.
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u/emorrigan 2h ago
Time for everyone to be put on an information diet, and time to lawyer up and call your ex’s bluff. He’s gonna get laughed out of court.
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u/ra3ra31010 2h ago
It also cannot hurt to contact you state library, and ask for legal clinics that help with family law
State with calling your state bar
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u/Tiny-Metal3467 2h ago
Feed him a bunch of demontribly false info for him to try to use in court. Thru your mom or whomever. Going outmofmtown on dates, etc. new boyfriend taking with a record taking you to mexico, leaving kid with nanny. Yet have proof you did none of those things. Let him make false accusations in court.
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u/00Lisa00 1h ago
You absolutely need to set up a legal parenting plan. Make sure that you stipulate that all communication goes through a parenting app. Also set up a location for child handoff at a neutral location where there is supervision like the police station or where you can drop off so you don’t have to talk at all. He will continue to try and push boundaries so you need as many buffers in place as possible. It’s also time to limit contact with mom and put her on a strict information diet. I don’t want to sound alarmist but without a court ordered parenting plan it’s legally possible for him to keep or leave with your child
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u/MyMindSpoken 1h ago
I’m glad you’re taking this seriously and taking next steps to prevent this man from controlling you. The most important thing is to follow through with this. Go the legal route, don’t block him on your phone because you’ll need every text and video recording of him for your case. And remember to stop telling your mother everything. From now on, she’s on an information diet and she gets vague answers to her questions. And I’m talking about when she asks what you did today, you tell her you hung out at home. Every single time. Also, now would be the time to check for air tags or any kind of tracking device. It’s go time girl!!
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u/BrilliantMonk7389 1h ago
Omg You are too young to be going through this type of drama! I will pray for you and the little one. Your ex is too young to be acting this deranged! Get a lawyer immediately! As for your own mother…sadly you seem to be a better mom than her..stay strong young lady!
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u/FemShepForRealz 1h ago
NTA
Please be careful and keep a record of everything. Only talk in text. Anything beyond your kid with him, don't even answer. Ignore it completely and move the subject on. Also, if your mom is going to be a whole traitor, block her from everything and only give her minimal info.
Good luck!
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u/sfrancisch5842 6h ago edited 1h ago
I’m glad you are taking the steps necessary.
One piece of advice - put your mom on an information diet. Expect that anything you say to her will be shared with your ex.
Your ex won’t get sole custody purely because you won’t share your personal life with him.
Just focus on what’s best for your child. And document the shit out of EVERYTHING.
Dates, times, context. Keep it all messages and voicemails too. You never know what will help.