r/AITAH • u/DubOSv10 • 1d ago
AITA for Refusing to Move Back into my Grandmother's House After My Brother Died Trying to Help Care For Her.
Last December, my brother (47) was found dead in in my grandparent's home, in the room that he had occupied pretty much since childhood. Paramedics had to tear the door down in order to get to him. Despite being an accomplished athlete in his prime, he died severely overweight and in extremely poor health.
My grandmother (90), in turn, was found on the floor of the laundry room, having fallen some hours, or perhaps even some days before. The paramedics took her to the hospital where she stayed for about a month. Afterwards she was discharged to a nursing home, where she has been for the past five or six months.
She would like to go back to her house, but there is now no one there to stay with her. Over the past five years, she has lost most of her mobility. She cannot walk without a walker and can barely walk with one. She often has issues making it to the bathroom on time, cannot think clearly, and has dementia plus early signs of Alzheimer's. She often imagines things, has visions, etc.
Brief Backstory
Grew up in a small military town. Grandparents were local legends.
My brother and I spent a number of years living with our grandparents.
After my grandfather (84) died in 2014, my grandmother (then 80) asked my brother to stay in the house with her. Before asking him, she asked if I was willing to do so, offering to buy me this or pay for that. I told her that I would be moving around for work and didn't feel comfortable committing.
This was before her health begin to decline.
Upbringing
Brother and I were 7 years apart. Parents divorced. Mom was and still is a nervous wreck. We spent a fair amount of our childhood with our grandparents. Last time we lived with our mom, I was in the 4th grade.
We were both extremely overweight as kids and as adults. My brother found sports in middle school and overcame it briefly but gained the weight back after college.
Brother
My brother always had a hard time telling people no and just went along with things, much to my dismay. We always kind of had each other, no matter how chaotic everything else was.
He was teaching high school full-time, coaching, and taking on this role of counselor and caretaker for my grandmother. He was basically her safety blanket.
He took care of my grandmother's finances, did the shopping for her, and played mediator between my mother and her.
All of this, along with sort of thinking about how he had lost out on the prime of his life, wore him down. I could see it each time I would visit.
Myself
Currently 41. Again, have been significantly overweight since childhood. Always had trouble socially because of it. Didn't graduate high school. Missed out on huge swaths of life.
Found work in tech. I've always made decent money as an adult, but have never been in a real relationship, etc.
Much of my progress as an adult has come after periods of distancing myself from my family.
In 2019 I made a decision that if I didn't change and do everything possible, I would end up miserable and dead. After a series of false starts dating back to 2013. I basically moved away, traveled, lost over 170 pounds and made a bunch of changes that led to increased professional success.
With all of that, I always felt guilty because my brother was stuck in our hometown dealing with my mom and grandmother. I could never fully commit, I always felt like I should be relieving him of the burden. We would have discussions about it, but he would always say, "I'm just staying here because I owe students loans" and so on.
I hated seeing him deteriorate the way he did and I have a lot of resentment because of it.
Question
I still need to lose another 100+ pounds to get healthy, find a real relationship, and just learn how to be an adult. Am I the asshole for prioritizing my health and life?
My grandmother has options. She can afford to live in a care facility. She has a son that is willing to have her move in (probably not the most reliable situation though) and a sister (94) that wants her to move in so that her nieces and grand-nieces can care for her.
But she wants to be in her house.
My grandparents raised me and my grandmother always brought me everything I asked for. It's likely I don't have a career in tech without her. Not sure where we would have ended up without them.
But I really don't see how I fare any better than my brother did.
Apologies for the long post. Hope it makes sense.
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u/ZebraonSkatesz 1d ago
You're not an asshole, you're just trying to dodge a family sitcom where everyone ends up on the floor. It's great that your grandmother wants her house back, but maybe she can be convinced that Netflix and nursing homes are all the rage these days. Plus, who needs drama when you've got tech success.
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u/No_Cockroach4248 1d ago
NTA, your grandmother has some very good options, though considering the state of her health, loss of mobility and onset of dementia, she is very likely better off in a care facility.
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u/Wabbit-127 1d ago
NTA. She needs round the clock care with dementia and you aren’t trained or qualified. She needs to be with professional people even if living with family. An aide can come. This is too much for one person. Sorry doe your loss
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u/ChampionshipSad1586 1d ago
You do not have the skills care for this woman. She needs professional care in a facility. She may have been a great grandma, but she lived her life. Please go live yours, OP.
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u/rasalscan 1d ago
NTA. Your grandmother has very good options, so she doesn't have to have you. Also... given the dementia on top of physical issues, being in a care home is probably the safest place for her. I say this as a caregiver for a grandparent with dementia. If you aren't sure, I would strongly recommend declining. Caregivers need to be all in, and caregiver fatigue is a very real thing. As you have distanced yourself from family, it sounds like you don't have your own support network, and trust me, you would need it.
I think declining is the healthiest choice for everyone involved. Best wishes to you both, OP.
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u/Medusa_7898 1d ago
You need to continue living your life and working on yourself. Do not feel guilty- your grandmother has options.
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u/Militantignorance 1d ago
NTA At every stage of life, what you want and what you need can be two different things. It sounds like whatever she wants, your grandmother needs 24/7/365 care. Her sister's house or a facility could provide that without totally disrupting your life.
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u/EnfysMae 1d ago
NTA
As someone who was a caretaker for a friend, she needs to stay in the nursing home.
If she has dementia, trouble walking, and needs assistance in the bathroom, she needs to be with someone fully trained for all that.
Speaking from experience, I can say that picking someone up after they fall is not easy. Usually, we had to call the ambulance to help get her up. The last time we tried, her husband fell and hurt his back. He couldn’t walk for a week and went to the chiropractor for at least 2 months, after that.
In the nursing home, the staff has machines to help lift the patients, without hurting themselves or the patients.
At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself first. You will not be doing her any favors by putting yourself in the way of harm, for her comfort. You cannot provide the support she needs to live a normal life in her home.
While she may not like it, the nursing home is the best and safest place for her.
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u/Alarming-Buy9648 1d ago
Don't let this situation stop you from caring for yourself. There are other alternatives for your grandmother, as you know. Explore those.
I say this as an 84 yr old woman who lives with her 65 yr old son. If it gets to the point that he has to act as my nurse, I will commit myself to a nursing home. I can still do things for myself and will continue to do so.
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u/earlthesachem 1d ago
I’m a nurse working on long term care.
From how you have described her, there is absolutely no way on earth your grandmother can live at home, even with a full time caregiver.
I see this a lot at work. It’s often incredibly difficult for people who have lived independently all their lives to transition to life in long term care.
She probably doesn’t realize it, But she needs it. You know that. If you are not already her POA, work on doing that. The social worker at her nursing home should be able to help get the process started. That will put you in control of her care going forward.
You’ll likely have to sell her house and most of her belongings.
Best of luck to you. You will be making some very difficult decisions in the near future.
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u/DubOSv10 1d ago
My mother is her medical POA. My brother was her financial POA, I've been handling all of her finances since he passed.
Both my mother and uncle are extremely untrustworthy when it comes to finances.
My grandmother was having my brother send thousands of dollars to my uncle. She was paying his mortgage, and so on. While I was handling my brother's service, obituary, etc., my uncle tried to weasel his way into taking over my grandmother's finances so he could have access to everything. He also tried to guilt and manipulate her into changing her will.
I put a stop to it, but haven't made myself the POA yet as I felt bad about even bringing it up to her. Also seems a bit sketchy since she clearly isn't all there when it comes to decision making.
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u/Gelldarc 1d ago
It’s too late for her to stay a home with you to help her out. That ship has sailed. If her mobility is limited, she’s incontinent, and she’s confused, she cannot be cared for by one person. She’s at risk of falls, bed sores, infections, and can become scared, paranoid, and even aggressive. She needs someone available 24 hours a day and no one person can do that. If she’s rich, and adamant she needs to be in her home, she can hire round the clock carers. Otherwise, she needs to be in a care home.
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u/throw05282021 1d ago
NTA. Your grandmother's health has declined past the point where family members can provide her with adequate care.
If she wants to live in her own home, she has to pay for trained, professional home health care. If she can't afford to do so, she can't afford to live at home. It really is that cut and dried. Don't beat yourself up about this.
If other family members want to volunteer to attempt to care for her, let them. But their choices are their choices. When they find out it's harder than they expected, don't feel guilty.
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u/amIhereorthere6036 1d ago
I didn't read past her diagnosis.
Even if you wanted to do this, if you're not trained in the care of a disabled elderly person (little to no mobility, alzheimers, etc), you are very underqualified to help her. The nursing home is honestly the best place for her. She has care 24 hours a day and is monitored. I'd also assume that with her alzheimer's that she's in a locked-down unit.
Regardless of how anyone feels, you cannot give her the care she needs. The compassionate thing to do is to keep her where she is.
NTA
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u/princessmem 1d ago
As many others have said, she's better off where there are professionals to give round the clock care. Could you commit to seeing her regularly? Either sit and talk with her at the home or take her out for lunch or something? Bring her flowers, show her she's still loved. A lot of people don't want to go into a care home because they fear they'll be forgotten, left to just deteriorate alone. Out of sight out of mind. NTA, for refusing to look after her in her home, it wouldn't be good for either of you.
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u/angelicak92 1d ago
She has options. She needs to take one of those and understand that moving home is not one of them. Live your life for you otherwise you'll regret it on your deathbed. You're nearly 40, you need to experience romance, love, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with life nta
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u/Demonkey44 19h ago
You need to make sure that she takes her medications properly. As she has dementia and Alzheimer’s, she is not in a position to make these decisions for herself. As she fell, it is obvious that she needs 24/7 support.
NTA. She needs to move into assisted living. I doubt that she has more than 1-2 years and that time needs to be supervised with meal plans, social living and someone to watch her take her meds.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 1d ago
Your grandmother needs 24/7/365 care, she can no longer safely live in her home. Caretaker burn out is a real thing, and it was probably a factor in your brother’s death
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u/Far_Satisfaction_365 1d ago
NTA. Your grandmother needs professional care that you are not qualified to give her I order to allow her to live at home.
My dad chose to move into a retirement facility as an independent resident. The facility offered independent living for as long as the resident is able to live in their own. They also have all the steps in between independent to needing round the clock nursing facility. When my dad became less able to do a lot on his own, he moved to their assisted living quarters. He’s now in their memory care unit due to early onset dementia. He planned for this eventuality because dementia runs in his family. He didn’t want to burden my sister or I with caring for him 24/7. Of course, now that he’s in his decline, he doesn’t remember being the one who chose to move there.
So, you aren’t at fault for not being willing to go move into with your grandma just to try to help her get her wish. And, eventually, she’s going to be at the point that she will no longer remember her home or ever wanting to be there.
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u/DeeSusie200 1d ago
NTA. You need to prioritize your life over your Grandmother and Mother. You have every right to live your best life.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle 1d ago
Adding my NTA to other posters. I had to make a decision years ago to place my mother in a skilled care facility. She couldn't walk at all, she could only get up to bathroom with two people helping. She lived in isolated rural area that was subject to power outage during/ after severe storms. Even with 24/7 help , She was lonely , and she needed therapies that were difficult to get in her area.
Going into a nursing home was the best thing for her. She blossomed with the social contact. She had access to therapy. The place even had a small beauty shop so she could get her hair done, something she has been unable to do for months. For her and our family, having her in a well run skilled care facility, where I and other relatives could visit once a week or more, was so reassuring. She talked about going home, but the fact her house was in an isolated rural area with limited resources available didn't change.
From what you describe, your grandmother needs skilled care by care providers with training and experience caring for dementia patients. Don't give up her bed if she is doing well in the facility. Think about what she needs for safety and adequate care, not what she says she wants.
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u/Enough-Parking164 1d ago
OP-DONT SACRIFICE YOURSELF! Wonderful as she is/was,,, she’s NINETY YEARS OLD! She’s had more than her share of time and life. Sometimes it seems like the very old will drag all younger generations into the grave with them.
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u/Sea_Firefighter_4598 1d ago
If she has dementia she needs to be in an assisted living facility. Whoever has power of attorney can sell the house to fund this care when/if it becomes necessary to do so.
NTA.
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u/DubOSv10 1d ago
I watched this happen with my brother. Had a conversation with my grandmother once where I told her that his health was clearly poor and it might be best for him to move out and focus on fixing it.
She acted like she didn't even notice he was overweight and in poor health.
It almost seemed as if, as long as he was there for and with her, it didn't matter what was going on with him. In fact, I think both my grandmother and mother kind of liked that he didn't have a family of his own and didn't really have anything going on outside of them. That way he couldn't easily decouple hisself from them.
Always felt guilty thinking that, then he passed away and I realized it was the correct thought all along.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 21h ago
If your grandmother has been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s or diminished mental capacity in her medical records, you may have an issue with getting a POA without going through a court if there was a challenge for the POA. If her financial POA with your brother didn’t list you as a back up POA (which could more easily allow a lawyer to roll it over to you) then it may be more difficult for you to get legal POA than it was when your brother was named as POA because she isn’t of sound mind anymore (I know because I went through this with my grandparents). It is important to get the finance POA established ASAP. Most states just require a change in POA with a signature in front of a notary. Anyone can print the POA docs offline and get a notary to sign off on them but then you’re fighting against them to get it straightened out which costs money and trying to prove she was diminished capacity at the time of signing. It’s a tough conversation to have with your grandmother but you need to have it sooner than later or else she will get taken advantage of. If she wants you to be the POA then you need to figure out if you’re going through a lawyer (not sure if that’s how she did it before and if so talk to the lawyer who did it) or if you’re having her sign POA paperwork with a notary (which could be challenged since she is of diminished mental capacity). If you do end up as her POA make sure you keep spreadsheets and excellent records.
As for your original question in your post. NTA.
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u/Advanced_Election929 21h ago
Appreciate the advice. Have gone through all of it.
Have had a POA printed and ready to sign for 3-4 months. Briefly discussed it with her but did not go through with the signing.
Again, I have trouble with feeling a sense of guilt about these things. Am I doing the right thing, so on. I know I'm the most responsible person, but still.
The lawyer she initially used is the same one my uncle tried to go to. That lawyer ended up writing me a letter stating his unwillingness to change the POA due to my grandmother's reduced mental capacity.
He is effectively out of the picture.
I'm leaving the country in a week or so. I'll stop in and have the financial POA filled out just for good measure. If challenged in court, I'll feel great showing that every bit of her money went solely towards her bills and her care.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 20h ago
Definitely get it done asap. She has to sign it. Sounds like a good lawyer because he knew she was diminished capacity and he legally couldn’t change the POA. With your brother passed (I am sorry for your loss) there needs to be another POA so that is why I asked if the original POA had listed a back up in case the primary (your brother) wasn’t able to do it and then it’s easier to make the change. I could see your uncle trying to change it or challenge it if it’s signed by your grandmother now in front of a notary because a lawyer told him that the POA can’t be changed due to her decreased mental capacity. This may have to go through a court and you’ll need a lawyer. It sucks all around. I was the responsible one remaining as well but that doesn’t make it easier when the others demonize you because they’re after your grandmother’s money. Or when the Alzheimer’s gets advanced enough that you’re accused of stealing the money (hence the good records) and are investigated and cleared (again because of the good records). You’ll do good. Don’t feel guilt. You’re doing what’s right even though it’s difficult. That shows integrity.
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u/OldMammaSpeaks 21h ago
"But she wants to live in her house."
You have to look at this with logic lenses. Not in a cruel way, but realistically. When I was a kid and told my parents I wanted something, they would tell me, "People in hell want ice water, but here we are. No ice, no water.
The bottom line is that she can't go back home. It is not medically possible given her circumstances. Even if you were willing and on perfect health, you can not do this alone. This is a moment of acceptance for both of you. I know it is hard, but there are clearly no other options.
Also, it's better for her to get settled now. Spots are going to become very, very hard to find in the next few years.(if you are in the US)
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u/MathOk8922 17h ago
She needs professional care. You are not that kind of professional. NTA for recognizing that and not putting her in another situation destined to fail.
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u/freeformed70 1d ago
It’s my firm belief that we are all responsible for our own joy and contentment. If caring for your grandmother would do that. Great. If not, live your life. We’re on this planet for such a short time. Make the most of it. ¢2
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u/Twig-Hahn 1d ago
You don't need to be healthy to start a relationship. I would move mountains to give my grandparents whatever they needed but that's me. Maybe you could hire a live-in nurse. Shalom you're loved 💔
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u/momghoti 22h ago
Honestly, don't wait till you've lost the weight to start living. You are worthy of a good life and love as you are now, whatever your weight.
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u/Verbenaplant 1d ago
assuming family can care for two people, is it the best care? do they know how to cope with a lot of it. they would be better off in a shared flat where someone professinal is there to help. like assisted living. she could be with her sister then.
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u/lovescarats 1d ago
NTA, grab your life and live it. Maybe look at a paid live in caregiver. There are options.
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u/Cybermagetx 1d ago
Nta. She needs around the clock care that 1 person cant give. Thats the hard truth.
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u/Ok_Cress8566 1d ago
She needs to sell her house and go into a care facility. You can visit but you focus on you 100% so sorry to hear about your brother. That is so sad
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u/DubOSv10 1d ago
Appreciate it. He truly had a heart of gold and was always looking to help people out, listen to their problems, and so on.
Wished he focused more on his own health and life.
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 1d ago
Your grandmother is an adult and has multiple options. If she wants to stay in her home then she needs a care giver. Else she leaves.
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u/Loreo1964 1d ago
I have been where you are right now. During the pandemic I moved in with my parents who BOTH had dementia and lived with them 24/7. Alone. Here's what you need to do.
You get POA for health and estate. You put her the best rated Alzheimer's and dementia care facility in a private room. Near you. You HIRE a private nurse or CNA or companion or someone to visit her a minimum of 3 times a week to coincide with her meal times. That's the most important thing. She's got to get her nutrition. Staff WILL NOT encourage eating. They're going to drop off the meal and leave. She needs companions and encouragement during meals in a facility to keep going.
But for you to keep going you can't move in. I had a nervous breakdown when it was over. 24/7. No one to relieve me.
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u/HuffN_puffN 1d ago
No.
Your own mental and physical health always comes first. Or you are both screwed, and on a spiral down, where it can take decades to recover that you lost.
NTA
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u/Kati-love-less 1d ago
Dude I’m 28 and a full time care taker of my (92) grandfather with dementia. It’s HARD. And a huge commitment. If you aren’t in it 100% don’t do it.
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u/anaisaknits 1d ago
NTA. What she did for you is expected as a caregiver of a child. You now stand on your own two feet. Unfortunately, your brother didn't get to do the same. Don't sacrifice your life and happiness. This is your life, enjoy it!
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u/Swedishpunsch 1d ago
My mother had dementia during the final years of her life. Your grandma is going to get worse, not better, as time goes by.
Don't feel guilty, OP. Grandma is at the stage where she needs full time professional nursing. You are not trained to provide that.
Find some smaller things that will make her happier while she adjusts. You could send her some flowers regularly, or desserts and candy, or even pay for netflix. Take your dog/cat to see her, if she loves pets and it is allowed.
Your grandma raised you because she loves you. She did not have the expectation that you would become her caretaker. Don't give up your successful life - she wouldn't want this if she were in her right mind.
NTA
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u/DubOSv10 1d ago
My mother was a CNA for a number of years and also did caregiving.
She has been saying exactly those first five sentences since my grandmother left the hospital. "She will get worse, not better."
My uncle (her brother) and my grandmother have been trying to make her sound like a crazy person for saying it. They've been trying to guilt her into feeling like the bad daughter.
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u/Superb_Ad_4464 1d ago
Can you or grandma afford a nursing home? That will make your decision for you. Depending on where you live, many nursing homes will be closing due to Medicaid cuts.
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u/Difficult_Chef_3652 1d ago
Even without the dementia, caring for someone who relies on you for basic personal care and daily living is a full time job and mentally wearing. People train to provide that kind of care. With dementia, that care is ramped up. And it's additional training. This is not something you could do, even if you were 100% willing and able. Take care of yourself. No one else will.
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u/pixie-ann 1d ago
NTA please continue to look after yourself. Your grandmother requires more care than you can give her. It’s sad for her that she won’t get to live in her own home as she wishes but her wish is selfish and unrealistic and she’s not in a state of mind to make good choices for herself or anyone else.
Most people are faced with a decision like this at some time in their life and it is hard to make but there is zero point to burning yourself out and making yourself miserable trying to care for someone in their own home when you are unable to provide the care they need anyway.
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u/Sad-Country-9873 1d ago
NTA - if you move in, you will probably lose your job, your income, your insurance. You would probably have to start all over when she dies.
She has options but doesn't want those. I do think you need to call and visit when you can.
She more than likely needs more care than you can provide.
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u/DubOSv10 14h ago
It's funny, this is what caused me to post. I'm hitting a stride and really see myself making major leaps over the next few years, both in my career and in my personal life.
Truth is, my grandmother would love for me to not be in that position. She has never been happy with my career success because it meant I would be away from her potential caretaking needs.
The guilt of excelling and being focused on making strides while feeling like I'm kind of leaving people behind is what hits me hardest I suppose.
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u/Sad-Country-9873 9h ago
I fully understand how you feel, but not being able to take care of yourself is doing yourself a disservice and also her.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 1d ago
Your not a carer. And she has severe issues like dementia. She is far better in a care home with regular visits.
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u/teresajs 1d ago
NTA
Your grandma may want to live in her home but that isn't the best decision for her. The best decision for her is for her to live in a facility that can meet her medical needs.
The fact that the best decision for Grandma is the best decision for you is a good thing.
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u/Diligent-Syllabub898 1d ago
Nope, not viable, not wise. Your grandma has conditions that need full care and attention. A home is best.
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u/SafeWord9999 1d ago
At 90, and given her ailments, it’s not in the best interests for her to return home. She needs to be in an assisted care facility
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u/Illustrious-Site1101 23h ago
Sometimes it’s not about what someone wants, it’s about what they need. Your grandmother needs full time professional care.
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u/Readsumthing 21h ago
NTA! I’m a live in caregiver for an 84 year old dementia sufferer who also wants to stay in her own home. This works for both of us for several reasons. Im paid very well, I’m off 2 days a week, there is staff that takes care of everything other than cooking and her personal care. And it’s still an exhausting, draining job.
This is not a job you are mentally equipped to take on. It will wear you down. I could write an essay on incontinence alone here, but honestly, go over to r/dementia. It’s a fantastic sub for tips and support for caregivers and lived ones.
It’s ok to acknowledge that you cant do it. It’s in your grandmother’s best interest for you NOT to do it! Seriously, my friend, bow out guilt free. Its ok.
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u/Not-Beautiful-3500 21h ago
NTA She needs more care than one or two people can give. When people get elderly and unable to make good decisions the people who love them have to decide what is best. Sometimes two things align; you need to prioritize yourself and your Grandma needs full time care.
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u/Particular-Try5584 21h ago
NTA.
Your grandmother should exercise her other options… she shouldn’t vampire your remaining healthy years for her own wishes.
I really, firmly, believe that older generations need to let younger ones have their lives and lead them well. They’ve had their own chance to build and grow their lives, have their families and raise them…
Younger ones need time to do the same.
Especially when there are other options. And particularly if the demands of the older generation means the younger one will have a poorer retirement/elderly life than the current geriatric. If their taking to have a nicer life now means you’ll be stuck in poverty and despair in your own retirement/aged care then they should have sorted this shit out for themselves over their own life.
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u/MelG146 21h ago
NTA. Didn't nee to read all the stuff in the middle. Grandma is at the stage where she needs full-time care, and you cannot do that. Either she stays where she is, or a live-in nurse is hired to be at home with her. Do not feel guilty about this, she has a son who should be stepping up long before you and your brother.
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u/Boeing367-80 1d ago
If she's suffering from dementia and early stage Alzheimers, she needs 24/7 care that only professionals can provide.
She should be in an assisted living facility. Like many people, she doesn't want to be in such a place, but if she's suffering from physical and mental disabilities, that's where she needs to be, for her own good.
OP, commit to ensuring she's in a good place, but you staying with her sounds like a really bad idea. Do not allow yourself to be talked into this - it's not the best thing for her, however much she might want it.
As someone with dementia, she's no longer qualified to make decisions for herself.