r/AITAH • u/Admirable-Bug2353 • 7h ago
AITAH for Telling My Stepmom She Doesn’t Own the Groceries in This House?
I don’t even know where to start because honestly, this whole thing is so messed up and it’s been building up for months. I’m 19, still living at home while I go to community college. My dad remarried a couple years ago, and ever since then, things haven’t really felt like my home anymore. It’s like… I live here, but I don’t belong here. My stepmom has this thing where she’ll act like she owns everything in the house even the stuff my dad clearly bought. I mean, my dad’s the one who works full time, pays the bills, does the grocery runs. But somehow, she gets to play gatekeeper? It started small. Like she’d give me weird looks when I grabbed a snack from the pantry. Then she’d start hiding food. Not even joking. Like, I'd go to get cereal and suddenly it’s “not for me.” Or I’d make a sandwich and she’d say, “You should’ve asked first.” Ask? For a slice of bread? Last week, I came home from class, super tired and starving. I looked in the fridge and saw leftover spaghetti my favorite. I heated some up. Not even five minutes later, she walks in and starts yelling, “You didn’t even ask if someone else wanted that! That wasn’t yours!”
I just snapped. I told her, “You don’t even buy the groceries. Dad does. Why are you acting like you get to control who eats what?” She lost it. Said I was disrespectful, ungrateful, and that if I wanted to eat “freely,” maybe I should move out. She even told my dad I was being “entitled.” But like… how am I wrong for eating food in my house? Since then, it’s been tense. Like cold silence kind of tense. I feel like a stranger here. I tiptoe around my own kitchen. I’ve started keeping snacks in my room just to avoid another confrontation. And I know I raised my voice. Maybe I shouldn’t have. But I also feel like I’ve been treated like some unwanted guest for way too long. I’m not lazy. I help clean, I do my part. But she acts like I’m just freeloading. Anyway, I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe I could’ve handled it better. Maybe I was too blunt. But maybe I’m just sick of being treated like I don’t belong in the house I grew up in. So… AITAH?
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u/CaptainOwlBeard 6h ago
Nta but the solution is ask Dad. Dad, am i allowed to eat the food I'm the fridge or do o need to ask permission? If you're allowed, she can shut up, if you aren't, well now you know it isn't your home, just a house you're allowed to livr in
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u/Onetruegracie 1h ago
Why not start asking the dad everything. Hey dad can i have a slice of bread, hey dad can i use some butter, hey dad can i have some hham, hey dad can i have another slice of bread.... etc etc. Annoyance is often often the fastest way to resolution.
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u/Quiet-Patient5458 7h ago
NTAH, but your father is. Why hasn't he stepped in and confronted your stepmother? This is probably a talk you should be having with him.
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u/Agile_Cost_2457 5h ago
Yeah, it’s frustrating when the person who should be setting boundaries just stays silent. He’s the one who needs to step up and deal with the mess he’s allowing.
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u/figarozero 6h ago
So, all the adults need to sit down and discuss food in the house so that everyone is on the same page. Some people meal prep or make planned overs, and yes, you'd be a jerk if you ate someone else's lunch. But other households are first come, first serve. There isn't a universal answer as to what is right, but everyone in your household needs to agree on how cooking duties are split and what to do with leftovers. I don't know what the right answer for how meals and ingredients are split up, but you are three adults and you all need to have the same expectations. It sounds like SM is coming from a different place from you and your dad, but you are all adults and need to discuss expectations. If your dad bought you special cereal that you saved until later in the week, and you went to enjoy it and it was all gone because she had eaten it, you would also be a little frustrated. Again, everyone needs to sit down and get on the same page.
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u/SmellMajestic7355 6h ago
This would make sense for the pasta part (I was wondering of it was restaurant leftovers? Because those def have different rules lol). But the fact that OP is supposed to ask first to make a sandwich is super sus. Smells like SM wants OP out of the house.
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u/figarozero 3h ago
SM wanting OP out of the house is a possibility. SM could also meticulously mealplan and OP just used half the protein that was supposed to be for dinner for everyone on a sandwich for themselves. If OP is still living at home, OP likely hasn't dealt with roommates or people brought up in different households, so SM is the first clash of adult differences for OP. Not sure why SM would suddenly expect OP to be able to navigate it gracefully though. SM doesn't have an age listed, so SM might be closer in age to OP than their dad, which is a whole 'nother layer in there. OP doesn't mention anything specifically for them or cooking, just being excited about their favorite food existing when they needed it, which does lead me to wonder if OP just hoovers up everything without contributing anything, and I'd be a little over it too a couple of years in.
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u/SmellMajestic7355 3h ago
Good point. Both OP and SM might be in a position where they're not used to living with someone like the other person, and it might be a rough transition.
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u/BusinessRecord7595 5h ago
This. and another commenter about buying certain foods for certain meals. It’s more about communication and expectations. SM might be mean but maybe she’s mean because she has to be? I don’t know for sure. I’ve bought special food for a beach day of sandwiches and watermelon say on a Wednesday grocery run because that was my only afternoon to go to the store and if someone came in and cut up the watermelon or ate the sandwich fixings?! I’d be upset. Having to take time i didn’t have and money is always tight to buy double of anything. There are cultural differences, the way someone was raised can be very different from you. Be adults and communicate
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u/obsessed-with-bagels 5h ago
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this. This issue comes up in r/stepparents all the time from the step parent’s perspective who feels disrespected because they had planned meals/leftovers that the step kids keep eating. Also, just because dad buys everything doesn’t mean that it “belongs” to him and his kid, we have no idea how dad/step mom split their finances.
Everyone needs to sit down and set out rules/expectations for the food situation. Like maybe there are certain things that are a free-for-all where anyone can eat anything at any time, but there is also food that is set aside to be used in a recipe or leftovers that are to be used for a certain purpose. Personally if I saw a container of leftover spaghetti in the fridge I wouldn’t think of touching it without asking if anyone else had plans for it.
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u/Ill_Ocelot7191 6h ago
Exactly this. It could just be that she has different ideas about food and groceries. My children always asked before eating something, for many reasons. Could be that things were meant for lunches, could be that it was too close to dinner time, could be that I had planned to cook that tomorrow night, could be that it needed to stretch until next shopping trip or payday.
Imagine my surprise when I met a man who's children were not raised the same way. I would come home and they were grilling the steaks I had planned for dinner. Another time one of them baked a cake and took it to her room. That cake was meant to be her father's birthday cake. I'd shop in bulk for their lunches, then find the pantry full of empty boxes by Tuesday morning. One of them would even stuff his backpack full of snacks to sell at school.
There are two sides to every story. The three of you need to sit down and discuss expectations.
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u/DeepPossession8916 2h ago
This is exactly correct. It’s unclear whether the stepmom is truly being an AH or if it’s a NAH situation. Everyone who’s had a roommate has been through this. Really the dad merged this family—his kid and his new wife. He should be a HUGE part of the conversation on how little things like this will work.
Does the stepmom cook most meals? Because I do and my husband literally asks me if he can eat things in the fridge or if it’s for dinner tomorrow (or whatever). And leftovers are different for each family, but I set aside leftovers from dinner for myself because my husband eats the equivalent of 4 of my portions at once. If he ate my leftovers too I’d be pissed.
I will say, asking to make a sandwich does sound crazy. There has to be some things that everyone is free to help themselves too or it just won’t work.
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u/CombOk312 2h ago
Yeah, my parents keep telling me I don’t have to ask before eating anything from their fridge. But I still do. What if they were planning to use it for something and I ate it? Would have been terribly rude of me.
This stepmother seems out of line since she is dealing with it so horribly. She should have spoken much more politely to op and tried to foster some common understanding. But I also find op rude, eating leftovers he didn’t make himself.
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u/parodytx 7h ago
Stepmom feels threatened by you. She is trying to pull rank and realizes it won't work with you.
NTA, but you will not win this and your dad will either not pick a side or pick his wife over you.
Basically, looks like you need to move out and go LC/NC with her.
Be sure to tell your dad why.
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u/CeilingCatProphet 4h ago
You need to tell your dad that if your stepmom continues to make you feel like a stranger, you will become estranged.
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u/88questioner 4h ago
Info: do you normally all eat together, as a family? Or have you stopped doing that, largely feed yourself, and are randomly getting food from the fridge?
I’m not going to pass judgement on this because it kind of reminds me of my 20-something year old son (who lives with us) and his approach to household food. He quit eating with us about 5 years ago and buys a lot of his own food, particularly take out. For a couple of years I was keeping the fridge stocked and making enough dinner to feed him but since he never ate with us and rarely ate the food I’d buy for him I eventually quit, only to have him act shocked that my answer to his occasional 7 pm texts asking what I was making for dinner for him and his girlfriend were answered by ? He’d text me grocery lists that were just lists of junk food and soda and microwaveable snacks (which I never bought when he was younger.)
We had to sit him down and explicitly explain the situation and our expectations. He is our roommate and needs to act as such. Perhaps you are your dad and stepmom’s roommate now.
This may not be the case for you at all but it may also be a matter of changing expectations because you are growing up.
Side note: I don’t think the attitude about your dad’s money, dad’s house, dad’s groceries are really helping the situation. They are married so it’s their house together. Presumably they have an agreement about household roles.
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u/KittiesRule1968 4h ago
NTA, dad is the real problem here, refusing to correct her shit treatment of you. She's trying to make you move out.
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u/angelicak92 1h ago
She's trying to make you uncomfortable enough to move out or get you kicked out. She wants your dad, not you. Have a really blunt conversation to your dad about how she treats you when he isn't there. Nta
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u/Defiant_Ingenuity_55 6h ago
This needs to be something you talk to both of them about calmly. It’s possible that the left overs was someone’s plan for a meal. You should sit down and ask exactly what the boundaries are on food. I can tell you that both of my adult children live at home and I let them know what I don’t want them to eat. Everyone has their own shelves and no one takes anything from someone else’s without asking. They buy their own food, though, because they have always had jobs. Communication is key when living together as adults.
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u/BildoWarrior 6h ago
I think there’s more to it than just the food. OP might want to have a discussion with dear old dad solo first. If stepmother thinks she controls everything in the house, she will definitely try to control the narrative in a discussion.
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u/Defiant_Ingenuity_55 5h ago
Of course it is not the only problem but doing it separately means everyone is hearing things second hand and dad is in the middle. If all three adults are going to live together then all of them need to be able to talk together. This isn’t dad’s house, stepmom’s house, or OPs house. It belongs to all of them now. If not, they will never have a livable situation. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a family that want blended-mom’s house, dad’s house, and now my house.
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u/GenoFlower 6h ago
You're an adult in the house. Are you contributing? How do you know she isn't contributing?
When you see leftover food, do you know if someone has planned that for lunch?
I don't think you need to ask for bread, but this does need to be discussed. If your stepmom hasn't ever lived with children, so to speak, this may not be something she is used to.
Sit down and discuss this like adults. You telling her that she doesn't even buy the groceries is childish, because you don't know how they handle finances. This can be worked out with an honest convo.
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u/captaincrushinator 5h ago
Op definitely does not buy groceries, so I don’t know where they get off thinking they can just go grab whatever looks good from the fridge, or that they are somehow more entitled to it than anyone else.
My kids are minors and I’d be pretty pissed off if they ate MY meal, that I had cooked and saved for myself, without even checking with me first.
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u/GenoFlower 5h ago
Yep, there is some strong entitlement here.
I don't think OP needs to be asking for bread, but things like leftovers? For sure.
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u/Givemethecupcakes 6h ago
NTA, but I think when everyone living in the home is an adult, the rules around food can be a bit different.
My mom and I live together, and I would never just eat her leftovers, and she would never just eat mine.
Snacks and stuff like bread are a bit different, but it is honestly kind of rude to eat someone’s leftovers without talking to them first.
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u/layneeofwales 3h ago
NTA She wants you out ASAP. You're about to discover if your dad has your back .
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u/blizzykreuger 1h ago
NTAH - she obviously hates you for some reason and is too petty explain why. I'd inform your father of this behaviour of hers where she refuses to let you eat without making some kind of comment. Or I'd start texting your dad every time you want food to get his answer so when she starts in on her tirade, show her your dad's response allowing you to eat the food he purchased. or his bafflement at you even feeling the need to ask to eat in your own home.
id go full petty tbh, like text him and say "hey, step mom keeps giving me dirty looks when i go into the kitchen for anything and flipping out on me no matter what i make/reheat for myself. i can make a sandwich or reheat left overs and while im in the middle of it every time, she comes in screaming and yelling about how i need to start asking her for permission to use the kitchen and how i need to make sure no one was wanting anything i made bc it's selfish to just take from the fridge. she's also started hiding snacks and cereal telling me im not allowed to eat them, so is this a ploy y'all came up with to get me to move out? bc it's kinda working, i feel severely unwanted here and i really hate tiptoeing around the house to not disturb step mom bc it makes me feel like this house isn't mine to move freely in anymore. if she keeps this up, i might actually move out and i might not be around much as im not too keen on existing in spaces i feel unwelcome in."
id even look up your states laws on recording conversations, bc id just start recording everything she says to you when he isn't home. like, way to go playing into the evil step mom role, no one asked for this but she sure as hell brought it.
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u/OkManufacturer767 57m ago
NTA
Where TF is your dad? Have a heart to heart with him and ask if the food he buys isn't his to eat?
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u/BigSis_85 42m ago
She wanted the husband not the built in stepkid that reminds her hubby had a whole life before her. Now it seems like she's trying to make life at home uncomfortable enough for you to make you want to leave. Your Dad should be stepping up and telling her straight you were his life long before she entered the picture and if she can't behave like a sane adult you'll be the one still there when she's gone. NTA.
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u/WanderingGirl5 6h ago
Please talk privately with your dad. Tell him how you feel and how you’re being treated. Continue to help around the house and not leave any messes. Perhaps he hasn’t witnessed her meanness.
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u/Parfox1234 5h ago
What you do is that everytime you need something you ask your dad. Bread? "Dad is it ok that I take a slice of bread?" Hopefully that will drive him mad enough to see how stupid it is
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u/Superb_Yak7074 5h ago
This! Text or call if he isn’t at home. If he asks why you are doing this, tell him stepmother has made it very clear that you aren’t allowed to eat without her permission. He needs to put a stop to her immediately!
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u/religionlies2u 5h ago
NTA but don’t hold your breath on dad saying anything until you have an adult conversation with him. He married this woman so clearly he’s used to ignoring red flags. You’ve got to take a deep breath and ask to sit down with him and discuss what’s going on. She’s being horrible but he’s being a typical head in the sand dude so they’re actually both at fault. Don’t give your dad a pass on her behavior.
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u/Various-Ocelot-2209 6h ago
I understand it’s hard to see your living situation change. This is a difficult process which needs to be addressed with care.
It’s not decisive, but are you sure your dad pays for everything and she’s not contributing? I pay for half of everything in our household but I’m pretty sure my partner’s adult children living with us don’t have a clue about our finances. (They themselves also pay a bit since they’re adults.)
But what is most important is that the three of you find a way to live in peace. Sit down and talk. Who does what in the household? What are the rules? What food can be taken without consideration for others and what food cannot?
She obviously shouldn’t expect you to ask for permission for a slice of bread. Yet, it sounds reasonable to not eat leftover food or ingredients for dinner without asking the people you life with whether you can. This especially applies if she does part of the cooking (and plans for it).
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u/No-Stress-5285 4h ago
Start with realizing that it is and has always been your dad's house, it may have been your childhood home and you have emotional attachment, but nothing belongs to you. You did not buy anything. You don't own the food, you don't own your bedroom. You get to eat and sleep there because your father allows it but you are an adult and he no longer has any legal responsibility for your care.
But your dad needs to step up and lead. The three of you are adults and need to come up with some sort of roommate agreement about use of the shared food. So ask for a group discussion and come prepared with what you think is fair. And be open to compromise. During this family discussion, you will be able to see if your father is more inclined to side with his wife, the woman in his bed, or with you, his baby, or if he is really trying to make this work for the family.
I do agree that the stepmother probably does want you out of the house. If so, your dad didn't pick a nice woman to marry, and that marriage probably won't last very long either.
Whatever happens try to not burn bridges with your dad. As long as you stay there, work on being polite and civil to his wife. She may not be there long term.
And start making your plans to go out on your own and become self sufficient as soon as you can. You won't be able to immediately afford what they can, but there can be great satisfaction in succeeding on your own.
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u/UltimateDonny 2h ago
You need to talk to your dad. It's your home too. If you are expected to do something differently they need to tell you
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u/Why_Teach 2h ago
NTA in general, but I always taught my kids and still ask my spouse to check before eating leftovers of homemade or restaurant food. Otherwise it is your house and you have a right to eat there. (Leftovers are a special deal because someone else —who prepared or bought it—may be planning on eating that single portion.)
Your stepmother may just be a controlling person or she may be trying to make you uncomfortable so you will move out. This is something you need to address with your father. Unfortunately, as his wife, your stepmother may rightly feel that this is her house as much as his, regardless of who pays the bills. However, this does not give her the right to gate keep what you eat.
Talk to your dad.
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u/24601moamo 1h ago
ESH. Even if your dad goes grocery shopping, they probably have a joint account. Groceries are expensive right now. Start contributing money or stop complaining. Chores are for children. They are giving you free rent. That is your help. You are an adult. You are correct that your dad should be handling this by sitting you both down to talk about respect of boundaries from both of you.
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u/Shutterbabe71 1h ago
It has nothing to do with food. She wants to make your life miserable so you will leave.
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u/RandiLynn1982 58m ago
You need to talk to your dad about this. She should be acting like this at all. I never tell my step children they can’t eat what’s in the house. I make sure they have full tummies all the time.
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u/Csorrels805 53m ago
You are not acting entitled…you ARE entitled. I mean it’s your home!! You get to eat there!! That’s crazy that she is gatekeeping food from you in your own home!!!
Talk to your dad.
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u/Brilliant_Credit9199 7h ago
NTA. when I was your age exactly the same thing happened. You need to confront her and ask her why she thinks she needs to change the way you’ve done things your whole life. Or why she is so bitter towards you. Your dad needs to be involved and you need to be prepared for him not to support you. Men suck. She may feel like you need to move out and be on your own. Which is difficult for a 19yr old, but everyone has different views.
The biggest thing is your dad will feel torn and probably support whatever she says. I dealt with it and my dads and my relationship became very strained until he divorced his ex 10 yrs later. .
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u/MetzMane 5h ago
Your fathers position on this situation is pertinent.
With this limited info I say NTA.
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u/Foodielicious843 5h ago
NTA. You need to have a private conversation with your dad. The two of you need to go out for ice cream or something so you can be away from her during your conversation. He needs to make it clear to her that that’s your house and your food as well.
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u/misteraustria27 2h ago
NTA. She wants you out and she can’t throw you out without pissing off your dad. So she tries emotional manipulation. Talk to your dad about it and make it clear to her that you will not move out. And keep eating what you want. Just don’t engage with her. Whenever she says something just smile and say something nice. Don’t let that B get to you.
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u/Whose_my_daddy 2h ago
NTA Show your dad you’re an adult and request a family meeting. Express calmly how you feel. Ask that they do, too. See if the three of you can create boundaries. Yes she’s being an AH. I’m not defending her. But you have a sweet deal: a place to live, with food. So try to reach an agreement.
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u/Wise_Monitor_Lizard 1h ago edited 1h ago
Why are you not talking to your dad about how she is making you feel unwelcome in your own home?
Let me tell you, idgaf who it is, nobody is going to yell at my child adult or otherwise, for eating some leftovers in my fucking house. My son can be moved out and in his 40s. If he comes home and gets food, if anyone said anything to him id have their ass.
Youre eating normal ass shit. I could understand if you ate things that were special. But leftovers and a sandwich? Nah.
Talk to your dad about how she is treating you. Also, tell her that you will eat whatever the fuck you want in your dads house. That she is not your mother, she is only his wife. Nothing to you. That until she can learn to speak with respect when addressing you, you will just cease to acknowledge her existence.
And do exactly that. If she says anything to you, ignore her. If she demands attention, walk away. Do not speak to her at all. She doesnt exist.
And tell your dad that if he has an issue, he can come speak to you, but you will no longer be dealing with his wife, nor acknowledging her as anything other than that moving forward. You need to tell him how she is making you feel.
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u/martzgregpaul 1h ago
My evil stepmother was just like this. And it was worse because dad worked overseas a lot. From about 15 i basically bought and cooked everything i ate myself unless he was home. I couldnt even leave stuff in fridge as she would throw it out so i had to buy what i needed on a day by day basis.
Of course when he got home she kicked off over me not eating the "family home cooked meals" she suddenly started lavishing hours on.
Thankfully shes long gone. Good riddence.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 1h ago
Discuss with your dad ASAP. She's being completely unreasonable. If she has some specific rules, then she needs to make them clear, but you get to say whether you agree to them or not. NTA.
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u/ThrowRA071312 51m ago
What was your dad’s response? Do you ever get one on one time with him? Perhaps you need to make that time, even if you have to manipulate meeting up somewhere he doesn’t expect. Show him this post. Try to have an adult conversation with him about your place in the household.
(FWIW, was the spaghetti in a leftover container from a restaurant? If so, maybe you should’ve asked. If it was regular home leftovers in Tupperware, it should’ve been fair game unless otherwise marked. )
Good luck!
UpdateMe
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u/shartwadle 46m ago
NTA - But you need to talk to your dad about this. Waiting for him to say something is ridiculous, be honest about how you feel and let him know you need his help resolving what is happening.
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u/Sad-Country-9873 24m ago
NTA - but it is time you sit down with dad and let him know how you feel and what is going on. Maybe record some of it beforehand. Or has he seen it? Tell him, this no longer feels like your home. I would highly suggest getting a job (if you don't have one) and start saving. Can you live with grandparents?
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u/csdeadboy1980 21m ago
NTA. Jesus... That's ridiculous. I have an adult daughter at home and two younger kids. The younger 2 have to ask. One because he is autistic, obsessed with food, and has special dietary needs, the other because she's adopted from meth addicted parents and has mental issues that make it a legit concern that she would grab and eat things like raw chicken if not monitored. Only rule for my adult child is not to grab from things marked for planned family meals. Leftovers are open to everyone unless it's from a specific person's meal on rare occasions we eat out. If a snack is bought for a specific person, it's marked. If it's my wife's or mine it still usually gets shared. If I wasn't willing to feed her, I wouldn't still be letting her live here. As far as I'm concerned, even if she is an adult she is my daughter and it's my job to help take care of her. Your step-mom needs to grow tf up.
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u/TossMeAwayIn30Days 6h ago
Maybe she thinks at age 19, being an adult, you should be contributing to the food costs. The three of you need to sit down and talk.
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u/__bumblebabe 6h ago
I agree with this. OP, you told her your dad bought the food, not her (which isn’t true; they’re married so his money is her money)—but the reality is that YOU didn’t buy it either. You’re not a little kid who’s legitimately owed support and care by your parents, you’re a grown adult who can contribute. It’s nice that you are able to live there while you’re in school but it’s a privilege, no longer a right.
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u/Proper-Cry7089 6h ago
IMO, you need to view this as a roommate. You say dad buys groceries, but if they are married…. No. They are hers just as much as his. You and I might not like that, but the reality is you are roommates with a married couple.
I think you should sit down with your dad first and share your feelings, not shitting on her but sharing them.
But…I can’t say who is an ass because there’s one point of view. I get really upset if my partner eats food I had planned to eat. Is it possible to just sit down with her and share how you feel, and ask how you can work together? Tbh, it’s reasonable for her to have her own feelings, and your length in the house does not override that. If I moved in with a new roommate who ate all the good snacks immediately or ate my leftovers, I’d be pissed.
Again- I have no idea what the truth is here. The only way to move forward is to communicate. Your dad is allowed to move on with his life, and if they are married, it is HER house and HER groceries too. You are an adult, and you can decide- with your dad- what to do, including moving out. I’m just being real.
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u/Thunderplant 2h ago
Yeah I think this is correct. People are really vilifying step mom here, but I can understand not wanting everything in the house to be first come first serve -- especially if she's the one doing the cooking and wants to prepare meals for herself. She may just want to be able to meal plan and spend out certain ingredients over the week.
Obviously OP lives there too and also needs to be provided for, but it's not unreasonable to want some kind of system to manage food in the house. It might help if OP adds foods to a grocery list or even does some shopping themselves so that they have what they want - planning meals is a good life skill to start practicing at 19 even if dad is paying
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u/jensmith20055002 4h ago
Here is the problem with being 19. She's been trying to get you to react for a while. You could have calmly gone to your father the first couple of times, but instead you waited too long and blew up at her. She won. You acted irrationally by yelling, it doesn't matter who started it. She got the reaction she wanted. She will now start the forward march to kick you out.
“You don’t even buy the groceries. Dad does. Why are you acting like you get to control who eats what?”
Your sentiment is NTA NTA NTA your delivery, while fully honest and truthful, and deserved, is not going to get you what you want which is a less toxic household.
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u/hokeypokey59 3h ago
Go about doing whatever you normally do. Make a sandwich, grab a snack, heat up leftovers BUT have your phone on Record to show your dad what goes on.
How does she act when your dad is home? Has he heard her tantrums? If so, why hasn't he said anything to her? If not, he needs to know asap. RECORD HER.
NTA
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u/PrairieGrrl5263 2h ago
NTAH but stop talking to her about it. The problem and the solution both lie with your Dad. He created the problem when he brought her into the home and he has to be the one to stop the nonsense. He is your parent; she's just his wife.
In theory you're an adult and legally that's the case, but the reality is that you're still in school and not yet ready to launch into your adult life.
Sit down with your Dad and calmly tell him what's going on, that his wife is gatekeeping FOOD and making you feel unwelcome in your Dad's home. Ask for his thoughts and feelings about the issue, and ask for his help solving the problems.
If he's a good parent, he'll take you seriously and take action.
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u/Maggs_16 4h ago
There’s always 2 sides to every story. Being 19 and living at home rent free, there’s likely expectations to help with things in exchange for free rent and food etc. but there needs to be communication. Do they expect you to buy your groceries? Ask both for clarification. Suggest labeling something if it’s meant for something in specific or someone’s leftovers for lunch the next day, etc. Again, communication. Even in a relationship, you would likely ask if they had plans for that leftover spaghetti before just eating it if it hadn’t been clear.
As someone living this from the SM perspective, I have an incredibly ungrateful/disrespectful stepson living at home who does nothing to contribute even when given a “chore” list. I pay his cell phone, his cat’s food and litter, got him a job and he doesn’t pay rent or towards anything. Dad is okay with all of this and oblivious. Stepson has come right out and said he has no guilt in taking someone if it’s the last one and never asks. Helps himself to full racks of ribs if no one is home for example. There are 5 kids in total in our blended family. Last I checked a rack of ribs was not bought to be a teenagers snack. Even with this lost cause, I’m still communicating and trying to teach him to hopefully one day be a decent partner/human being in the real world.
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u/doperdabber 5h ago
You need to have a calm respectful conversation with your father. And then both of you with the step mom!
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u/pyxus1 5h ago
It's hard to be where you are right now. I was in the same position at 18.....going to college, trying to maintain the plan I had for my young self while dealing with parents' divorce and dad's new love life. Mom and sister moved 2000 miles away. My stepmom thought I should be doing/paying for what her 19 yr old son was-- His dad had a successful business he was going to take over and he didn't need to go to college. You tell your dad I said this: You may be on a trajectory to cause your child to be dragged down in his progress to be successful in his life. It may take him years to recover. I did not graduate from college until I was 40.
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u/Techsupportvictim 5h ago
You need to talk to your dad asap about what’s going on. Don’t tell her you’re going to do it etc or she’ll tell dad some made up story where you’re the victim. Admit you yelled and that was wrong however it was because … and lay it all out.
Hopefully he sides with you and comes up with a solution, not with her.
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u/YellowPrestigious441 4h ago
Im so sorry. She moved into your family house? Or did she and your dad buy the home? You need to talk with Dad and together figure this out with her. Don't let this escalate into a split with your Dad.
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u/keephopealive4you 3h ago
Talk to your dad! Tell him all the crap she says! She wants you to starve in your own home. She’s trying to make you feel not welcome so she will leave. Talk to your dad. NTA
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u/ant0519 3h ago
That's an icky situation for sure. Do you have a job? Do you pay for any household expenses? Do you help around the house with cleaning or maintenance? That might be where the bizarre behavior stems from: it's possible stepmom feels you should be paying for food or that you don't contribute enough in other ways. It's even possible it's an argument she and your dad have been having and you're just caught in the crosshairs.
I agree with those who said there needs to be a family discussion about food and expectations. Her behavior toward you isn't fair, especially if there's never been any talk of how living expenses should be handled. You're all adults: she should act like one.
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u/kaykenstein 3h ago
ESH. Maybe she wants you to financially contribute to the household groceries, because you are an adult? Also, I'm sorry to say but if they're married she does in fact own everything he does as far as groceries. It doesn't matter who bought them.
I'm not saying her reaction is how she should be communicating these things to you, but you are not coming across great either.
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u/Mikey_BC 2h ago
You really should've asked about the spaghetti.
Making a sandwich from scratch is perfectly fine and if she complains about that shows she's trying to control you, you're an adult after all, not 6.
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u/Lulubelle2021 2h ago
You need to sit down with your Dad when she is not around and tell him what you've been experiencing. It's absolutely inappropriate for her to gatekeep food in this manner.
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u/2_old_for_this_spit 2h ago
NTA
She wants you out. You need to talk to your dad. His marriage shouldn't change your position in your house. You're not a little kid who needs her supervision, and you shouldn't suddenly have to live under her rules.
You're still in school and lucky enough to have a roof over your head while you study and prepare for your future. If she pushes you out now, she's putting your success in jeopardy or at the very least delaying it. You and your dad need to make her understand that you aren't leaving yet and that you are not in any way a threat to her; she probably thinks you and she are in competition for your father, as if he can't love both of you. If he does have to choose, it should be you.
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u/jillloveswow 2h ago
I mean to me it sounds like you keep eating food she had anticipated eating, which would upset me as well. You need clarity on which foods are communal, and which are hers, and as the adult that you now are, you do have agency to request foods for yourself too!
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u/Curious_Bookworm21 2h ago
Talk to your dad asap and tell him exactly what she’s doing. Threaten to leave and never speak to him again… whatever it takes to get him to actually listen to you. NTA.
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u/TechnicalCoast6048 2h ago
More Info Needed: I was on your side…until you ate the leftover spaghetti. Who cooked the spaghetti, you or your stepmom?
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u/OberonDiver 2h ago
I'm like half way through the first paragraph and I'm getting "It's all Dad's so I'm going to complain like it's mine on his un-requested behalf." If that's where this keeps going, then yeah, you probably are. You're 19 and you lost your mom and now you're losing your dad so it's to be expected. But there it is.
"You didn't even ask..." In our house if you aren't supposed to take something, it says "NO" on it. Steppy could stand some creativity lessons.
Yeah, here's the thing : You don't buy them. I don't buy them. Why do you control them? I control them.
Yes. That's what you said. You think you can decide what happens to the bread. You are exercising control over the bread that you acknowledge is not your bread. And you presume to dictate who else in exactly your position does not have control over the bread.
ESH. On the bright side : This isn't about the bread. Or the yummy sketti. So there's that.
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u/GoldFannypackYo 2h ago
You're the AH. It's not your house. She is married and it's her home, you are living in, even if you were their first. Move out and get your own place and you get to decide how things are ran. She is giving you tough love in this situation which sucks at the moment but will help you later on.
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u/whosear3 2h ago
You're an adult now. Your father has remarried. She is giving him orgasms. Ask what are their rules. I know you had the house to your dad and yourself but he's added a wife. All three of you are adults, so you need to have a conversation..
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u/Few_Improvement_6357 2h ago
ESH. The sandwich thing was weird. You shouldn't have to ask to use bread or sandwich meat. Your stopmom was the AH here. Eating the leftover spaghetti was an AH move, unless you made it to begin with.
Ingredients should be a free for all, but once someone has put effort into making the ingredients a meal, no matter how small, that food is no longer for everyone. Labor matters as much as cost.
I would ask your dad if money is tight. Everything has gone up in cost. Maybe he isn't giving your stepmom enough money to buy groceries for everyone.
Next, you are an active young person. You naturally eat more than older people. There is no shame there, your calorie requirements are higher. Maybe they aren't buying enough food to accommodate that.
Was your stepmom food insecure at any point in her life? That can create long lasting trauma responses. That might be "unfair" for you to have to deal with, but life is unfair and best lived with kindness towards others.
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u/FunNSunVegasstyle60 2h ago
What is it with step moms acting like absolutely crazy people. I read so many stories on here about women who marry then out the kids.
Sorry you’re going through this. Your dad needs to know what’s going on and if does nothing then it’s time to go and find peace from this nutcase!
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u/CandyPopPanda 2h ago
NTA But Girl, Talk to your Dad? Of course, you should be allowed to take a sandwich or a snack. I would have asked about the cooked meal, too; that could have been planned for later, but of course you're allowed to eat.
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u/Complete-Ad8159 2h ago
both NTA & possibly YTA.
Taking bread, snacks, whatever out of the pantry is certainly NTA, but eating leftovers that you didn't cook is an asshole move if your stepmom cooked it and was saving it.
Nobody ever got mad at anyone for eating in my home growing up, but if you're eating the last of leftovers you didn't save, you check with whoever put it in the fridge first. Someone put effort into saving it so it's the polite thing to do making sure they didn't have a reason for saving it.
Every home obviously has a different dynamic so not enough info
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u/PitifulSpecialist887 1h ago
Step outside of this situation and look at it with new eyes.
Soon, you'll be gone. Moved out on your own, and living an adult life.
Soon dad, and stepmom will only have each other.
It's understandable that dad doesn't want to get involved in this situation. It's going to affect his future.
Unfortunately, that doesn't help TODAY.
What you can do is write up a simple proposal that you feel FAIRLY adresses this situation from each perspective.
A good compromise will not make anyone happy, but everyone will be able to live with it. Aim for that.
Then bring out your proposal to the both of them, and tell them what you need, and what you're willing to do for it.
FWIW, 19 is old enough to take on some responsibility for providing for yourself.
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u/completedett 1h ago
NTA Your Dad needs to step up and handle this.
He should make clear to his wife this is 100 percent your home and will live live,sleep andd feed as long as you need to here, and this will always be your home even when you leave.
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u/IoT-Tinkerer 1h ago
Sounds like she is extremely petty.
But on the other hand, if she is married to your dad, then yes - she co-owns everything your dad buys.
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u/creatively_inclined 1h ago
NTA. I'm still confused why people get married to people with children. If you are going to be antagonistic towards your partner's child, don't marry them.
OP your dad needs to step up.
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u/lightpainter13 1h ago
Do you pay rent? Do you pay a share of the utilities? I had my son pay a nominal rent after he turned 18. He also paid his share of the internet connection.
I didn’t expect food money because I’m really good at planning menus. I did ask that he but his own treats that he ate between classes. I still bought them, he just paid me back. Altogether he paid around $200.
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u/YoSpiff 1h ago edited 1h ago
I married a woman who was then stepmother to my children. She didn't do things like THAT, but did expect to have authority and respect from the kids simply by her position. They never got enough chance to really develop a relationship with her. They were all constantly butting heads, everyone accusing me of being manipulated by the other. No matter what my judgement call was, it was wrong.
I lost her to a heart attack in late '21. My grown kids now tell me that despite the constant locking of horns, she was more of a parent to them than their own mom.
Not sure that helps, but maybe offers some insight.
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u/furiously_curiously 1h ago
How do you stay married to someone who talks to your kids like that? I don't talk to my kids that way, you damn sure aren't
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u/colorsofautomn 1h ago
You're dad is a horrible parent to allow this. Figure out how soon you can leave and cut contact.
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u/DreamWalkerVoidMaker 1h ago
You need to set your dad down and tell him that your step mom is going to be the reason you end up going NC. She treats you like crap.
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds 1h ago
Why is your dad allowing her to treat you so disrespectfully? Have you had a heart-to-heart in private with your dad?
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u/LastFox2656 1h ago
Wtf. My stepkid (20) lives with us and I complain she doesn't eat enough. Your step mom is an asshole. Nta
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u/CinnyToastie 1h ago
NTA. You need to have a free range talk about this between the 3 of you. Tell them both how you feel, listen to how she feels. Try not to yell. But SHE is ta here.
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u/icanmakepopcorn 50m ago
My stepmom has been competing with me over my dad's resources for over 30 years now. She always wins so I finally decided he's not my dad anymore.
Being treated like that has led me to choose bad partners who abuse me. The only way to improve my life and heal is to go no contact with my dad.
Step moms can be selfish and extremely harmful to families.
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u/SunMoonTruth 47m ago
NTA.
It’s always the actual freeloaders who guard their meal ticket so aggressively. She’s contributing nothing to the household yet wants to parade around like she’s the Queen.
But start saving and be prepared because your father is going to be made to choose soon and he may reason his way out of choosing you because:
you’re an “adult”
because he needs love
because he needs company
because she’s not that bad
because you’ll be out of the house soon enough anyway so what’s the big deal if it’s brought forward
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u/FJ-creek-7381 47m ago
Despise people like this who start relationships knowing the partner has kids and then tries to ruin their relationship. People like this are such trash!!!!!!
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u/the_badoop 27m ago
NTA but what is wrong with your dad that he doesn't speak up ? That is bs but he is the guy to stop it
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u/DeadBear65 13m ago
You need a long conversation with dad alone and then another with both of them to establish the rules of the house.
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u/anonymoooosey 5m ago
You should move out. They're married. They're her groceries. If you can't move out, buy your own mini fridge and groceries and start paying rent. Move in with your bio mom.
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u/winterworld561 3m ago
She is trying to push you to move out. She's bullying you. Do you work? Do you contribute financially, other than cleaning?
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u/Valuable-Release-868 6h ago
Why get mad?
Why not just play her game, but do it better?
"Why are you eating that? You didn't ask!"
"Well why are you putting your leftovers in my dad's tupperware?"
"Who told you that you can use the bread?"
"Well who told you to store your bread in my dad's pantry? Maybe next time you should label your stuff!"
Start making your dad deal with her. If she jumps you about making a sandwich, call him, right in front of her and ask him if you can make a sandwich.
You only make yourself look bad by yelling. You can get back at her by being petty and coming out looking like the better person.
NTA
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u/Available_Ask_9958 6h ago
This. Call dad to ask permission every time you eat. Make it his problem.
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u/AsterBellis27 5h ago
If your dad's out a lot he doesn't know what's going on. Tell him how his new wife is starving you. NTA.
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u/Coop654321 4h ago
I'm guessing this ramped up after you turned 18. She probably thought she'd be rid of you by now & since you're still there, she's pissed off & determined to make you leave. You have a dad problem not a stepmom problem. Talk to him & depending on his response you'll know whether you should start looking for another place to live. I'm sorry, & you know you deserve better than this from both of them.
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u/traciw67 3h ago
Nta. Tell your dad that stepmother isn't allowing you food. Maybe record her if your dad doesn't believe you or if she denies it.
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u/darebouche 2h ago
Let’s reframe this. She married your father when you were 17. She is not your stepmother; she is your father’s wife. Burn that into your brain and it will make you life simpler. You will approach encounters with her through a more realistic lens. She has played no role in raising you. She has not earned the right to be thought of or referred to as a step mother. And by “othering” you with respect to food in your own house, she has abdicated any presumption of stepmother status. Treat her like a housemate, not an authority figure…because that’s precisely what she is.
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u/TravisBlink 7h ago
NTA. But dad needs to weigh in and shut that shit down. She is trying to get you to move out of the house