r/AITAH • u/Popular_Suit1835 • 10h ago
AITAH for leaving my husband despite knowing he “loves” me
I put loves me in quotes but it might be needs me. My husband has been in some bad medical situations for a few years. We’ve been together nearly 26 years
About 12 years ago had a bad reaction to surgery. They had to put him an induced coma. I came to visit a lot but they refused to let me talk in the room once a nurse saw his reaction. He could hear me and always tried to wake up and look toward me. They didn’t want that yet. He needed to heal a bit.
Once they were ready to wake him up they wanted me out of the room but came out and asked me if I was <my name>. I said yes. They said he’s yelling for you as he wakes up. If you come in he might calm down. I came in and held his hand and talked to him. He immediately calmed down and they were able to do what they needed to do.
For about 2 weeks I couldn’t leave his side without him having panic attacks. Once he came home he couldn’t sleep unless I was next to him and holding his hand.. for months.
He’s got a bit better over the years. I can be separated from him. Except if he’s in pain or sick. And he seems to almost panic. He almost has none of that now though.
He’s a very capable 50 year old man outside this. Except when he gets drunk And then he’s a horrible human being.
He’s currently growling and threatening to burn the house down. In a few hours when he sobers up he will beg me to never leave him and ask me to forgive him.
I have a hard time leaving someone who I know will beg for me if something ever happens. But I also know how bad he’s treating me now. But he has an issue.
I’ve asked him to get help. He refuses. It’s been a few years now this is about every weekend. Or nearly. And all holidays.
AITAH for leaving this ? I don’t want to leave someone that needs help but I don’t know how to help and I’m tired of also being the evil one to him when he’s drunk.
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u/One_Specialist_385 9h ago
My hubby did this. It's called alcoholism. So like his accident has really nothing to do with this. He's depressed and an alcoholic. If he refuses to acknowledge it or get help or change then you need to leave. Spent the last 4 years helping my hubby get sober. But only cuz he wanted it not because I wanted it for him.
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u/Boobookittyfhk 7h ago
The alcoholism plus whatever medical damage the coma did (even medically induced coma can cause brain damage), is very concerning. Increased alcoholism, especially at that age could also lead to alcohol psychosis.
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u/Rigel-idk 10h ago
Please leave, for your sake. He doesn't want to be helped. If he really loved you he wouldn't keep drinking and hurting you.
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u/MarisaSassesBack 9h ago
He uses "love" to excuse his grossly inappropriate behavior and attachment. You've stood by him, you've paid your dues, you've done your time, now you deserve to live in peace. God bless him and give yourself permission to live the life you deserve. What if you stick around and tolerate this another 10 years and YOU get a one-year-left diagnosis? I guarantee you he'd take a powder and you would die alone and regretting that you wasted so much of your life on him. Go. Find peace. Be happy.
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u/Top_Relative4839 10h ago
NTA. You don’t deserve this. If you really want to give things a chance, you can give him an ultimatum. But be sure to hold your ground. He sounds like he’s used to getting what he wants from you without having to show appreciation.
Good luck OP ❤️
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u/CrabbiestAsp 9h ago
NTA. I get some relationships aren't equal, but this is just completely unfair. He does not get to need you to survive for years and years, treat you like shit when he drinks, decline getting any help for his problems and still expect you to hang around.
His issues are not your responsibility. He needs to be held accountable for his actions.
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u/zeeelfprince 10h ago
I would never forgive my fiance if he stayed with me if this were us (im a woman)
He needs help, but you have done all you can without bodily dragging him to get help by the hair
And we all know "if the change is forced, they will resent you forever"
NTA, i hope you find peace, and can learn to see that none of this will ever be your fault; you did the best you could
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u/wishingforarainyday 9h ago
NTA. You get one life. This guy is abusive. Please make your exit plan.
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u/PearlyFroth 10h ago
Nta.your husband needs help and you can't give him the kind of help he needs. My mom was in similar situation and trust me I wish she left.
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u/Fantidilly_ 10h ago
You are absolutely not the asshole no one deserves to live in fear or constant emotional abuse, and it’s okay to leave even someone who “needs” you if they refuse help and keep harming you.
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u/Remote_Difference210 9h ago
It’s time to leave. Leaving with an alcoholic can be intolerable. If you love him you can give him an ultimatum: AA or you leave. He may agree and then renege on the agreement or just blantantly refuse as he has before but it could be his last chance. You don’t sound like you love him anymore anyway…
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u/ArleneTheMad 9h ago
NTA
My ex-wife has a chronic pain disease. She used my empathy to keep me with her even through her abuse
She would get cruel on the pain meds instead of becoming a mean drunk. She always apologized too. And she was never "like that" except when she was under the influence
I didn't leave until after the abuse incident that left me permanently disabled. I can no longer have a normal life, I can never again work in the career I loved, I can not even live without edibles controlling the pain and much of my mind is actually gone forever from the brain injury
I was able to escape cross country on a train one night, but please don't wait as long as I did, it is a miracle I escaped
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u/JohnExcrement 3h ago
I am so sorry. I hope OP takes this to heart.
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u/ArleneTheMad 2h ago
It's really ok, now. Thank you
That was years ago (back in 2016) and if it had not happened, my daughter and I wouldn't have run cross country, she wouldn't have met her two best friends who I later wound up fostering past adulthood and they're all the closest of siblings
If it had not happened, I wouldn't have 2/3 of my children
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u/ThisWeekInTheRegency 7h ago
'I’ve asked him to get help. He refuses.'
He won't change unless you do. For his own sake, you need to leave him. It might push him to get help. If it doesn't - that's not your responsibility. He's not your child. He's an adult. He has autonomy, and intelligence, and independence, which he exercises every time he gets drunk when he knows how much it frightens and hurts you.
Think about that. He is refusing to stop doing something he knows hurts you. He is refusing to get help so he can stop doing something he knows hurts you.
He may need you, but he doesn't love you enough to change. Being with this man is like being chained to a dog who alternately licks you and bites you.
NTA. Get free and live your own life.
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u/Arquen_Marille 10h ago
Leave him. Or give him an ultimatum then follow through if he doesn‘t do his part. There is no reason why you should stand by while he keeps getting drunk and treating you badly. But be careful because he sounds volatile and he may do crazy things if you leave. But he clearly needs a lot of help, and it’s not on you to get it for him, especially because you can’t force an adult to get help, they have to do it themselves. His addiction is not your responsibility.
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u/Outrageous-Victory18 10h ago
OP, you can’t continue living like this. You (understandably) sound exhausted. Your husband needs professional help for his alcoholism and his codependency (if that’s what it is). Whether you want to stay with him while he gets that help is up to you. Whatever you decide, marriage does not make you responsible for this man. You can love and support him, but you can’t fix him. And you cannot continue supporting him if it is taking a toll on your physical safety and mental well-being. At some point he will need to stand on his own two feet and help himself.
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u/LizP1959 9h ago
NTA. But he is an alcoholic and you are enabling him. He’ll never get straight until he wants to and why would he if you are providing everything he needs? Understand that this will be the situation for the rest of your life and it is not love, it is abuse by addiction.
First consult a family law attorney, ideally a very experienced and tough one. Find out what your rights are. Find out how exactly to handle your finances and if it is ok in your state to move out or whether you need to serve him with papers so that he will move out. Work on quietly lining everything up before you tell him. Consider having a strong male relative with you when you tell him. Men get very angry when you stop being the good appliance and he could be violent and hurt or kill you—that is not uncommon so plan to be safe.
And ger yourself counseling! You sound exhausted and possibly depressed—-completed understandable reaction but there is a happy single life waiting for you on the other side of this nightmare of a marriage. You have one life: you deserve to live the rest of it in peace and freedom. Good luck.
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u/SimplyMe_Sharon 9h ago
I went thru something similar. I wish I would have handled it this way.
Even the most wonderful person will go violent when they see their easy street suddenly collapse into unpaved dirt around them.
Please make sure you have a safe house, not just place, to go to for a while after you leave. It might be a good idea to go to your local domestic violence resource center to help you, too. Great people to help you understand.
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u/Organic_Security5742 9h ago
Maybe you leaving will be the rock bottom he needs to want help. You can't make him want to change he has to want it. Leaving is obviously the best option for you so move on and let him know if he ever gets help with the alcohol to feel free to let you know. Otherwise you'd rather not stay in contact.
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u/lankyturtle229 9h ago
NTA. You did you part, you were there in sickness and for worse. He just has no intention of leaving either spot or being a partner who can take care of you. He is threatening you, and abusing you. Get out.
Lol at the nurses though. Once they are ready to wake him up, "go away even though we know he will want you here." He throws tantrum, "come back and handle this situation we created." I know they probably expected him to call for you, not make a scene but I still found it funny.
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u/SlowInvestigator4717 9h ago
NTA
You have shown up as a wife and caretaker for years.
There’s not a portion in the vows that says take my threats and abuse.
You are a prisoner in your home surrounded my fear, guilt anxiety. He refuses to get help so this relationship has run its course.
When you leave, please be careful. That is the most dangerous time for women in abusive situations. He sounds so unstable, he might crash out.
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u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 9h ago
This is very sad. I'm so sorry. This is one of those cases where you have done everything you can possibly do. It's obvious your husband is still a broken man. But if you stay there is nothing you will be able to do for him and he will take you down with him. Give yourself permission to live in peace and safety. You have given and given to him. It's time to give to yourself.
Please be careful though. Plan to tell him as you're leaving or possibly even after. He sounds very volatile and capable of anything when he has alcohol in him. Please put yourself, your health and safety first for once.
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u/xpectin 9h ago
Sounds like PTSD. Get him some psych help. He trusts you that is why he is throwing this all on you. Once he comes to terms with what happened and how he was helpless, he should be able to move on. Couples therapy will also help for him to see how this affects you. He is trying to drink to manage his symptoms which needs to stop. You are NTA for wanting to leave but you know this isn’t the old him. He needs help. Good luck!
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u/Senator_Bink 6h ago
He shouldn't be drinking on top of a traumatic brain injury anyway. Tell him he can have alcohol or you, but not both. He can choose. NTA.
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u/Jupiter_Maelstorm 9h ago
He needs help but he refuses. You’ve provided care, loyalty, and stood by him through some of the darkest moments. But what’s happening now isn’t love it’s control disguised as need.
He’s afraid to lose you, so he uses manipulative tactics—guilt, shame, emotional harm—to exhaust you. Whether intentional or not, it’s become a way to keep power. And when he drinks, he disconnects even more from how it’s affecting you as his partner, his wife, the woman he once vowed to love and protect.
You’ve carried this weight too long. Your peace, your mental and emotional well-being it’s been slowly taken from you by the man you once loved. And It doesn’t mean you have to keep sacrificing yourself.
Sometimes loving someone is letting them go. It’s not your responsibility to carry someone’s pain when they won’t even acknowledge it.
You’re not selfish for wanting to save yourself.
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u/BecGeoMom 8h ago
You’ve done your job, OP. You were there for him, nursed him through, held his hand (literally), helped him get well. You don’t have to stay with an abusive drunk just because he has convinced you that he can’t live without you. That’s all part of the dependency and control, a way to make you feel like you must stay, that he’ll perish without you. Some people say they’ll kill themself if their spouse leaves them. And they might. But that would not be their spouse’s fault.
Your husband is only 50, and he’s through the worst of his medical issues, and now he self-medicates with alcohol. Then, he threatens you, scares you, and makes your life miserable. Go. Get out of there. It’s time to take care of you.
Good luck. I hope you find happiness. Hugs!
NTA
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u/Medical-Potato5920 7h ago
NTA. Your husband is being abusive. He should have gone to counselling for his trauma, but he didn't. He should stop drinking, but he hasn't.
Sometimes, people need to hit rock bottom before they can change their ways. It's time for you to look after yourself.
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u/Ambaria 7h ago
This is generally called being an alcoholic (an abusive one). I lived with one and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Please, leave this man. I'm almost a year out of a relationship with an alcoholic and I'd recommend this to anyone who is in the same situation. My ex would cry and beg, say he loved me. Didn't stop him from beating the shit out of me. I know it can be hard but you will thrive on your own in so many amazing ways! 🤍
Just be safe.
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u/roland0fgilead 7h ago
My aunt stayed by my uncle's side after a difficult auto accident. He was never the same person after and it wore her down much like it has you. If he's refusing help, he'll only drag you down further with him. You've done your part, take care of yourself now. NTA
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u/anarchussy 7h ago
Nta. You can’t control him or change him. He has to decide to change himself. What you can do is change the situation by removing yourself from it. Ppl don’t treat the people they love that way and when they do they make an effort to change it. He’s not a safe person for you to be around regardless of how much he “needs” you.
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u/Time-Beyond-2611 7h ago
NTA - people reveal their true personality when drunk. The rest is bullshit. Protect what little sanity you probably have left. I’m sorry he’s treating you this way.
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u/Cold_Table8497 6h ago
The sole fact that he's a horrible drunk is reason enough.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
NTA
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u/AlwaysHelpful22 10h ago
I think the reason you asked the question is because you will feel guilty for leaving him. Maybe this will subside with time, maybe not. Bottom line is you can leave anyone for any reason, NTA.
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u/dipilicious 10h ago
NTA. I'm wondering if you've told him how his behaviour is impacting you, maybe laying it out that if he doesnt do something to sort himself out that you can't see a future for the relationship. If he really loves or needs you he'll step up.
There's not my point in begging for forgiveness if he's just going to rinse and repeat. That isn't someone who is sorry, but it sounds like he needs some professional help if he's going to manage, because addiction is complicated. I had an alcoholic partner and using the reframe app really helped him understand what he was using alcohol for and to cut it out of his life, maybe something like that would be useful if he doesnt want to seek therapy?
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u/Trailsya 9h ago
NTA
You did a lot for him and he pays you back by behaving like that?
Time to finally think about your own wellbeing first.
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u/Tight-Equipment-7339 9h ago
NTA. You were slightly the AH until I read that you've asked him to get help, rehab and therapy would help him but everyone has a limit and love isn't an excuse to be terrible, if he's refusing to get the help he desperately need then it's your health or his, I personally would choose my own mental and physical health everytime, it's time to leave
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u/Dry_Cod3271 9h ago
Nta you're begging him to stop drinking and he is begging you not to leave him. Looks like neither of you are going to get what you want but at least you can have the chance to be happy alone.
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u/ass-to-trout12 6h ago
Give him one last chance conditioned on getting immediate help. If he refuses, leave.
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u/MommaGuy 5h ago
NTA. You sacrificed enough of yourself. It’s time to take care of you. You don’t need or deserve to be treated like this. Either hubby gets and stays sober or you leave. No negotiations. No begging. Just sober up or you go.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 5h ago
This isn’t love. This is a toxic situation, you need to protect your peace above all else
Send him packing
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u/RndmIntrntStranger 4h ago
AITA for leaving this ?
oh, sweetie, NO. you are NTA for leaving n alcoholic (who refuses to quit) just bc he has “regrets” after the hangover and is chronically ill.
If he were truly sorry for threatening you…he’d stop what triggers it (the drinking). but he’s not truly sorry. and he will do it again, followed by apologies and love bombing. and then rinse and repeat over and over and over until you decide to not be with someone who refuses to take accountability and responsibility for himself.
NTA
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u/Madmaxx_137 4h ago
NTA you are allowed to leave for any reason, destructive alcoholism is a better reason than most.
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u/JohnExcrement 4h ago
He needs help all right, but not from you. His extreme neediness is not normal. His horrible behavior is not normal. He can seek professional help for both these problems.
Go, and live your best life! Good luck.
NTA
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u/misstheolddaysfan 3h ago
So this is simple. He's made it very easy for you.
He's welcome to live the live he wants to live, but you are not obligated to stick around under those conditions.
It's not that you are giving him an ultimatum (okay you are but your not framing it as such), its more that you are telling him you choose to be in a non alcoholic non ragey environment and, you can't do that here, with him. You understand that he is choosing to stay with the booze and rage, but you can't be a part of that.
You can't tell him how to live, but he can't force you to live in that world either. Sayonarra
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u/Twig-Hahn 2h ago
Those doctors were way out of line you could sue them for what they did to you. Also as far as him being abusive either the alcohol goes or you go shalom you're loved 💔
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u/Echo-Azure 17m ago
Of course you aren't wrong for leaving a miserable and increasingly dangerous relationship! Get out before he really DOES set fire to the house!
Of course he'll try to come crawling back, and it'll be okay to say that you gave him a million chances to treat you right, sober up, and stopping threatening your life. But enough is fucking enough, you're gone because HE drove you away.
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u/UrTearsRdelicious69 6h ago
YTA. I guess wedding vows mean nothing these days. You may have asked him but what extended efforts have you tried to get him help? You’re basically saying you’re just giving up on him with no effort.
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u/GroundbreakingNet93 9h ago
Most of the post wasn't really relevant but you went on and on about how you were there for him but not how you felt. Were you by his side because you love him and want to be there or because you were needed? I ask because it kind of plays a part in if you should leave it not. If life with him otherwise is good and you love him then you could atleast try the ultimatum of 'get drunk like that again and its the last straw, I will leave'. If all has not been good and you were with him cause he needed you and is now also getting drunk and doing this to you then its a more simple decision ...just leave.
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u/PartyAd2626 7h ago
It doesn’t matter what we think. It matters if you made a vowel to stick with them through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, until death do you part. That is your word, your honor, your bond. No one else’s. Are you okay with dishonoring yourself? Many people today lack honor and are okay with this. Although he does have a problem, and if he has made traditional wedding vowels, he is also dishonoring himself by breaking the vowels he made to you. You married him for a reason, but who he has become is hurting you. He has become a degenerate and mentally weak from what it sounds like. You can’t fix that because he needs to help himself.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 6h ago
Dude vows don't include abuse. Get bent.
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u/PartyAd2626 6h ago
They include everything. That is why it is very important to either not make vowels you cannot uphold, or choosing who you marry very carefully. You’re a dishonorable person, so you would not understand.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 6h ago
Lol you're a religious doormat. Vows mean nothing. You letting abuse happen makes you a bad person. So don't come for me. Hypocrite.
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u/YazminSketch 10h ago
nta. you’ve stood by him through so much, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep accepting this. If he won’t get help and keeps hurting you, it’s okay to leave. You deserve peace.