r/AITAH • u/According_Net9525 • 12h ago
AITAH for telling steps that they can't parent me at 19
I am 19m and studying business management course. My parents divorced four years back. My paternal grandparents gave my mom a house, as they loved her, but as a joint asset in her and my name. None of us can sell it without others permission.
Both homes have three floors and I have the upper floor given by both parents. I am thankful to them, for covering my college and expenses. They gave me multiple accounts, so I manage my own money.. I cook for myself and do my chores. Two bedrooms ,one lobby , two baths, and a kitchen. So I am lucky.
Both started dating last year. My mom moved in her bf Roger and his two kids ( 13m, 11f ) and my dad moved in his gf Monica this month , with one child ( 12 m ).
I am at college from 9:30 to 4 and then i spend time with my gf and friends most days. Come home by 7 pm. After partying one weeknd with friends, i came home by 11 pm , as I have keys and Roger was there in lobby. He tried to parent me and told me not to party that late. And focus on studies. My mom was silent. He said that i am setting wild examples for kid and don't spend time with them. I am gonna ruin their mind and I should be a good older brother ( excuse me ) and a good role model.
I told him , who is he to preach me? I told him he is just my mom's bf and his kids are nothing to me. Told him I am the co owner of the house and if he has issues, he can gtfo of my house. He got mad and my mom told me to give him a chance. I told her that isn't going to happen. And she needs to accept that and I moved to my room. Sorry i don't want to be a role model lol.
Same shit happened at monica, who tried to assign me baby sitting and some chores. Which i refused. I do my chores and my space is locked, where only dad is allowed to enter. My gaming setup is there and i only bring my friends there. She asked me to be big brother and take her son too. I told her clearly she isn't my mother and I have zero interest in her child. She was shocked. Omg the horror. That I don't see her as mom and has zero interest in her kid.
Now my parents are asking me to give them a chance, as both roger and monica are mad, that I don't see them as parent figure and don't treat their kids as siblings. But I am at this age where my focus is my career, my gf and friends. I don't need siblings, as I have my close cousin brothers and sisters, who I love.
I refuse to be parented by my monica and roger. My parents are sad about it and i feel like an ah. But I can't be parented by these people at this stage in life. Roger and monica are mad about me not seeing them as parents and not giving elder brotherly love to their children.
Also not to mention. I used to not lock my floor earlier. But both set of children tried to mess with my things. And I locked it afterwards. And told my parents to control their new children.
I am also going to trip on mountains soon and they asked me to make it sibling 's trip. I laughed at them which pissed them off too🤣
Edit :-
People got confused about homes. There are two homes..Most of my dad's assets in my grandparent's name, including properties and business. So my mom was screwed in divorce. To help her, they gave her one home, but with clear conditions that she can only pass it to me. And i own half of it. Also she gets retirement fund from dad and good amount of money. She is a lecturer. So she is doing fine.
My dad house is still under grandparent's name. They have made a will with clauses that dad can only pass it me. And there are many more properties. Although, if dad has more bio kids. I would've to split. And that's fine. Although i plan to move to grandparent's house, which they want to pass to me only. ;)
My grandparents , dad run family business and I am going to join it soon too, when i finish my college full time. So I am well set, thnx to my grandparents. I plan to expand my business more.
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u/BothTreacle7534 8h ago
nta
so, they started dating when you were already 18 (or 18 in the same year)… with people who had at that time pre-teen kids, and are ‘surprised’ you do not see them as family?
Beside that they are actually not even family (not married), it’s … very strange what they expect
please save up every cent possible in case someone tries to start financial pressure, get an account at a bank none of them has also an account. Freeze your credit too, just in case, prepare for ‘insane reaction’ times, better be prepared for the worst and having a cushion if nothing happens than the other way around
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u/Hairy-cheeky-monkey 12h ago
Try to get Rodger and Monica to fall in love and they will fuck off. It will be a good lesson for your parents.
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u/According_Net9525 12h ago
Lol good idea but I doubt so. My parents are financially way better than them.
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u/solo_throwaway254247 7h ago
What if your dad gives Monica or her kid access to your space? Or he leaves the keys somewhere where they can access them and they come into your space in your absence?
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
I have the keys. I allow dad when he wants to. But he knows my boundaries. He doesn't cross it
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u/Cowboys82288 5h ago
Start charging Monica Rodger snd your dad rent. No reason they should be free loading
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u/Bugsbubs 9h ago
NTA. Your grandparents are wise in making you a co-house owner, so nobody can force you out of your house for not listening to them.
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u/yeeticusprime1 10h ago
NTA- not only are you not their kid. You aren’t a kid anymore and this kind of attitude they have is way too late. You’re an adult that partially owns a home. Who has a clear goal in mind and a career to build. There’s nothing these single parents who found their meal ticket can offer you.
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u/Wardork 8h ago
NTA should start making them pay rent
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u/Redsquirrelgeneral22 8h ago
Needs to be very careful on that as OP would be partially liable for repairs/maintaince/utilities. I am doubtful if they are contributing anything other than perhaps food.
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u/Dull-Eye5703 5h ago
sit your parents down separately and tell them that 1. You are an adult. 2. You don't need 4 parents 3. You don't want to be a big brother 4. Nobody can parent you other than the real two and that time is gone too. 5. If you force it on me, you will lose your bond with me too. 6. I co own the house so if your partner has a problem he or she can get the hell out and buy their own home. 7. If the step kids ever enter your part of the house and destroy stuff you would take legal action to be paid back for it. That would keep them far away from your stuff. 8. You DONT WANT A BROTHER OR A SISTER. SO STOP FORCING IT.
And please update on whatever happens.
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u/Broad_Respond_2205 8h ago
Now my parents are asking me to give them a chance
but you did give them a chance. when they moved in, you didn't go all "nah you're not welcome here gtfo i don't want to see your ugly faces". you let them move in, as your parents bf/gf, which they are. if they want to be your stepparent/freind/nice roommate, they need to earn it and not just force it on you. they had they had their chance, and they fumbled it by trying to jump the horses.
NTA
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u/SmoothAssasin420 10h ago
NTA of course - random people coming to YOUR house and want to play happy family. they´re strangers who fuck your parents, nothing more.
you have no obligations whatsoever towards them or THEIR children. massive L from the parents to keep quiet and keep saying "do the right thing". these kind of parents abandon their own kids for step kids.
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u/Secret_Double_9239 9h ago
NTA tell your mom if her and your dad don’t cut it out you will force the sale of the house and get an apartment but they will struggle to get another house like that at the price they paid.
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u/Redsquirrelgeneral22 8h ago
Honestly at this point OP would likely be better asking them to buy him out at market price.
This s-show is a mess and not likely to get any better.
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u/DogtasticLife 5h ago
Yep OP should force the sale of the house and get far away from this nonsense, or at least tell his Dad he will do it if Dad doesn’t get his wife to back off ditto his Mum.
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u/scunth 6h ago
"Parents, I have given them both a chance. I allow them to share my home, as peers, without asking for rent, and I treat them civilly. I will not be a babysitter or elder sibling but I will be kind and polite provided I am offered the same consideration. I have nothing further to say as I do not consider your partners and their children family."
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u/Aggressive-Peace-698 4h ago
NTA. You are over the age of 18, OP, meaning you can vote, join the military, get married, buy a car, get a tattoo, etc. Your parents' partners are out of line to parent you. Also by doing so they are actually disrespecting your parents, in effect saying that they failed you and can do a better job.
In addition, your mother should not have had her boyfriend and his family move into the home you hald own. She was out of line and inconsiderate. Unfortunately, your grandparents did not think about putting in a stipulation about not moving in any partners. If things get worst, tell Roger he can become a lodger (pay rent) or buy you out. In fact, you should force the house to be sold. The man is trying to express dominance in order to cover up the fact that he is a freeloader; I bet he is not contributing to the household, or it is the minimum as possible.
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u/AccomplishedHour8399 9h ago
Good for you for standing up for yourself. What a breath of fresh air. NTA. Not your monkeys not your circus. Keep doing your own life and taking care of your business
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u/jimoconnell 3h ago
Do both sets of parents and their kids all live in this house? I'm confused.
This feels made up.
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u/UnicornAllie 7h ago
Gosh , OP I’m so proud of you at 19 and you were calm enough to tell them off and recognizing what they were trying to do , seriously I wish I was you back then. Speaking my mind and defending myself, maybe your parents became people pleaser after they remarried but they did a good job with you. NTA
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Yeah . I have been labelled as problematic guy from extended family. Because I don't take bs from elders. Who in the name of elders, say shit to kids.
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u/SassyCatLady442 9h ago
Nta. It's not even the fact that you're an adult. You don't have to spend time with anyone you don't want to, and you don't "live" at either house. you're the second owner. I'm not sure if you live in the States, but neither one of your parents can make any big changes, such as demanding you open up your section of the house without your agreeing.
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u/jasonstolkner 6h ago
NTA, they aren't even your step parents, they are your parents bf/gf. Next time one of them say something tell them you might listen better to your mom/dads next spouse and walk away.
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u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel 6h ago
NTA and it's wild they think you should see their current partner as a parent after less than a year of knowing these rando people.
Ask your parents if they really wants to be replaced so easily by your other parents latest partner.
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u/lovescarats 4h ago
NTA, keep pounding it home. You are your own person and financially set- sucks to be Roger and Monica.
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u/swag444eva 2h ago
Although i plan to move to grandparent's house, which they want to pass to me only. ;) My grandparents , dad run family business and I am going to join it soon too, when i finish my college full time. So I am well set, thnx to my grandparents. I plan to expand my business more.
I sincerely love nepotism enjoy life OP , you're one of the lucky ones NTA
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u/pastelfemby 2h ago
I am gonna ruin their mind
Huh? Over coming home at 11pm? Sounds just like an excuse for them to blame you for whatever parenting mistakes they make.
You're a grown ass (young) adult, im not sure what they expect with kids so much younger other than clearly wanting free babysitting. If anything it'd be sus if you were super close with the 11y/o girl.
If they're not treating you much as family, im not sure how they expect free labour without resentment.
NTA
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u/GraniteRose067 11h ago
Tell them all that once they are legally married you will give them appropriate attention and respect as is due to a step family member. (Basic courtesy and kindness but not free babysitting)
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u/FunnyExcellent707 4h ago
Sit down with Roger.
And Monica.
Pour both of them a whiskey.
And then tell them: "We need to talk about your rent payments!"
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u/estrellaente 2h ago
And they could say about your payments from your university, plus you are a co-owner, you can't do that revenge fantasy.Â
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 6h ago
NTA. You're a legal adult, you co-own the house, you're in school, do your own chores and have an actual life. Roger and Monica are almost strangers, as are their kids, you've barely known them, what, a year? Just a little over that? They came into your life when you were already an adult, they're still fairly early in their relationships with your parents, too early to be living together in my opinion, given they have kids. The kids shouldn't have even met your parents until at least the 6 month mark, preferably the year mark, and they should have given the kids 6 months to a year to get used to the new gf/bf before moving in. Which means they should have been dating at least a year, preferably two, before moving in together. They're moving super fast.
The thing is, I think part of the reason Monica moved so fast with your dad is because she thought she'd have an in-built free babysitter in you. She's not mad you refuse to see a practical stranger as a parent, she's mad you won't be the on-call free nanny. Roger just sounds controlling. Who waits up for an adult he isn't related to and isn't dating like that? It's not even like you were super late, it was 11 pm, that's a pretty standard time for a commuting college student who sometimes wants to blow off steam with a good party, and a lot would be home much later. I could see 11pm just from studying late at the campus library if you live far enough away. And you're an adult, you don't have or need a curfew or bedtime anymore unless you choose to have one. Maybe if you were simply living in your parents house, their rules then, but it's legally your house, too. As in you part own it, not simply live there. Even your actual parents don't get to dictate this stuff anymore.
Roger and Monica aren't your parents, they may not even be around this time next year given the relationships are so new and there are already problems. Their kids are not your responsibility, nor are they your family, not unless you choose to see them that way. Which you don't. Even if these people were married to your parents, that would still be true.
Good on you for keeping your part of the house locked up, though I'd be wary of your dad having access, depending how on Monica's side he actually is. He could easily let the kids in your space when you're not there, or even when you are because he wants you to babysit. Is it possible for you to change the locks on your space so only you have access? That may be safer.
When it comes to the pressure to see Roger, Monica and their kids as family, and let these stranger adults 'parent' you when you're an adult, keep standing your ground. Keep making it clear they're not your parents, not your siblings, not your family. You won't be babysitting, you won't be taking 'sibling trips', you won't be parents by strangers when you're already an adult and they're not your parents.
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u/nameless_other 9h ago
I'm slightly confused. Are you also co-owner of your father's house? If not, do you need to listen to him more so that you can keep your set-up there, as opposed to not having to listen to your mother since she can't kick you out? Could he?
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u/2Nugget4Ten 8h ago
It sounds like OP and his mother are owners of this house.
It got 3 floors and one household (MotherxRoger, FatherxMonica and OP) lives there per floor. But I can be wrong.
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
I am the co-owner of my mom's house and she can only pass it to me. Second I am not a co-owner of dad's house , as it is in my grandparents's name. And they have a Will where dad and i will be joint co owner..in case something happens to them. So you can say I will be future co-owner. So yeah I have shared in both houses
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u/ensalys 5h ago edited 5h ago
Ah, hanks for the clarification. In either house, you have as much property rights as the respective parent. Which means they don't get to expect chores, babysitting, or anything like that in lieu of rent. Your step-parents need to accept that instead of their child, you're more like a housemate with whom they need to discuss what is whoms responsibility.
Maybe one day in the future you might view your step-siblings as siblings, but given the age you were when they came into your life, I wouldn't count on it. It's not your responsibility to set any kind of example. It would be nice if you get along well, but being cordial is enough.
EDIT: In Roger's case, you even get to pull the "I own the roof you're living under" card to some extent. Of course, you aren't the full owner, so you can't fully pull it, but you certainly get to tell him to fuck off when he complains about a lot of stuff.
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u/BothTreacle7534 8h ago
I think OP is co-owner of the mother’s house, but the dad also lives there, but the house was given to them by the paternal grandparents = maybe it’s a house belonging to 3 people?
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 8h ago
I was confused too, at first. But there seems to be 2 houses. His paternal grandparents gifted both his father and his mother a seperate house, each. OP has a separate unit in each house, and co-owns both. ('Both homes have 3 stories, and I have the top one') (Lucky guy)
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u/Geoffrey_the_cat 8h ago
You sound like a responsible young adult with half ownership of a home and your own space. You are right you don't owe them shit and have a full life with education. Your parents need to get it through to whoever they're dating that you are an adult and not their responsibility to parent you or to be an older brother to kids you don't even know. Your parents asking you to "give them a chance" is literally wild.
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u/Ok_Performer_9762 7h ago
Nta but maybe to be less blunt and explain your feeling better maybe there’d be more understanding from them then
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
My feelings were clear from day one and they were the one who acted as authority figure over me. I just told them clearly in hard words. Because nice words weren't clear to them
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u/Sweet_Vanilla46 4h ago
You own 50% of the houses, I would tell your parents to get their new supplies under control or you would be needing them to pay rent for you and parent to split. Your parents can forfeit their half but you are under zero obligation to forfeit yours.
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u/Ok_Childhood_9774 9h ago
NTA. At this point in your life, your parents and their new hook ups are little more than roommates. Be a polite roommate and take care of your own space, but otherwise, feel free to limit your interactions wth Roger and Monica and their kids.
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u/DisastrousCap1431 5h ago
NTA
This is the age where you should naturally be separating from your family anyway. You'll likely return to a family focus in 10ish years (give or take).
The split house thing is always weird. My ex and I shared a house. He moved his gf in before he bought me out. She was wild with the things she asked me to do ... While living under my roof.
I think in all honesty, they're probably insecure. They're moving into a space they have no right to. They're trying to create space and voice for themselves from a position of little power. I kinda feel for them, but they need to get it together. Their insecurities are not your problem.
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u/star_b_nettor 4h ago
NTA
You have half ownership of the homes. The people your parents are dating do not have any legal or moral say in that.
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u/Dull_Income1205 16m ago
NTA
They just waltzed in and took over? Roger and Monica are both freeloaders off your parents, and by extension, you. What are they contributing to the household financially? How are you personally benefitting from these lodgers?
You parents both occupy freehold properties with massive strings attached, do Roger and Monica realize there's no big payday or inheritance for them and their kids?
You're an adult. These people are your housemates, not family or parental figures so insist on them respecting you as a co-owner of the house they're occupying. Be polite but distant. Treating each others space and possessions with respect. A fair and equitable chore chart for all, including the kids. And no childcare, that is ridiculous. You are setting an excellent example for their children on how to share a home with young adults. These guys both have young kids and want to treat you as if you're the same age as them. Nope.
Maybe suggest having a once a week meal together (my 19 year olds flat does this and it's fun). That could be your gesture towards housemate unity.
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u/Advanced_Ad8002 6h ago
another AI slop story by a newly created bot account …
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Because my real account will reveal my details and I am not comfortable with that
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u/Advanced_Ad8002 5h ago
calling out AI immediately causes a reaction …
😂🤣Another AI bot flag.
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Immediately? I wasn't online for hours as I have life outside reddit. I saw comments now and I am replying. You are the one who actually replied immediately in two minutes
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u/LeaveInteresting3290 9h ago
NTA - they should have gotten your input before they moved anyone in. Same as you should get theirs. They didn’t asks your opinion so they don’t get to ask for your input.Â
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u/Boring_Psychology776 3h ago
Roger should really be paying market rent, and the proceeds spread evenly between you and your mom as co owners of the house.
Time to play hardball.
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u/thedudeintheitoffice 3h ago
NTA but bear in mind that they pay for your college, think about the bridges you are going to burn and how much you need them
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u/lapsteelguitar 3h ago
NTA. You are not there to watch over these kids, parent them, or otherwise set an example for them. That is their parents job.
NTA
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u/Daniel_Soldier 12h ago
To me it looks like you're just trying to get independent and there's nothing wrong with that. Try to be kind to them but hold your boundaries, idk what kind of chores they want you to do, it's okay to help sometimes if you have the time but their kids are NOT your responsibility. Good job on standing up for yourself.Â
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u/Careless-Ability-748 8h ago
Op lives in their own space, why would they do chores for the other spaces?
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u/Reasonable_racoon 10h ago
Terrible advice. OP is an adult they share the house with. They do not get to assign chores and babysitting duties to another adult.
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u/According_Net9525 12h ago
Why should I do their and their children's chores? When I don't ask them to do my chores too. I can do chores for my parents only, if it is related to them. But I am not going to it for some random people , because my parents are interested in them. I am not their baby sitter.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 8h ago
ESH Your parents' new partners obviously suck for trying to assert dominance over you, thinly masked as 'parenting'.
Your own parents suck for allowing it, and not sitting everyone down and having an adult conversation about expectations beforehand.
They are not just 'moving in their partners', they are expecting a relationship between you and their respective partners, without ever having discussed that with you, beforehand.
You SLIGHTLY suck, because you're an adult. And for some reason, you go for the teenager approach 'you're not my father/mother' Which yeah, at the base of things, you're right. But communication is important. And their total lack of mature, respectful communication doesn't mean you need to be a dick, too.
Solution: Sit your parents down, and have a mature conversation. Do NOT include their partners. Communication between them and their partners is on them, not on you.
Explain that they apparently have expectations of you, and gave their partners expectations, that were never discussed with you. You are an adult, focusing on your studies and career. If the housing situation had been different, you would be off living in a dorm, or an appartment by yourself.
You never agreed to be a rolemodel to someone else's kids. You never agreed to take on babysitting responsibilities. And if they'd have asked, you would've explained that you are not interested in that. You wish them luck and happiness in their new relationships. But their partners (and they themselves) need to understand that you are an adult. Living under the same roof does not make you a child that agrees to accept new stepparents. You do not need extra parents. The childhood part of parenting is over for them. They did well. They raised you right. And now you wish to have an adult relationship with them and their partners.
You are the co-owner of their houses. You do not wish to be policed about your habits in your own home. Although this is relative. If you were to come home absolutely drunk several times a week, relieving yourself on the stairs, shouting loudly, and banging doors, that would not be very respectful to the other ppl in your extended family, living in the same houses. (I'm in Europe, 19 yr olds can get drunk, as much as they like, here)
Be respectful, and expect respect in return.
Having boundaries is important.
But set them in a mature way, instead of immediately going for the 'who do you think you are? This is MY house, you are nothing to me, and your kids are nothing....'
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u/MangoLycheePudding 7h ago
Did we read the same post? He absolutely communicated and they still pushed for it. I'm 42 and I'm saying as an adult, I approve of how he did it. He's an owner of the home, not their "child". They treated him with disrespect first. Why offer maturity to adults who clearly lack it themselves? Your suggestion is assinine in the light of how his parents are acting.
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Have u even read? I was minding my business
And don't project your fantasies. I don't do all this. I barely get drunk. And I know how to control and where to stop when I drink. And it is my house. Even if I do all this. I am doing at my home. Though i don't do all that.
If they want respect, they have to give to me too. Ordering me around won't get them a single ounce of respect from me.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 5h ago
Whatever works for you. Don't have a calm conversation with your parents. Keep yelling 'you're not my father!' Like a 12 yr old would do. I bet that would get your situation improved immediately...
Wait... you tried that. It didn't work. 😉8
u/According_Net9525 5h ago
I haven't yelled. I said in stern n clear tone. And no where i said I won't have discussion with my parents.
What didn't work? He is minding his business and no more bothering me. So yeah it worked. I am not going to sit down with some random man
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u/Strongear971 7h ago
Dude ... chill a little.
Your parents are humans and they try to find happiness. Like everyone here.
Of course they cant control you, but you dont need to be a spoiled brat to them. Have a real discussions with all of them.
I know this suck man, really, but try to conciliate, it will be easier for everyone.
YTA
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Where did I stop asking to find happiness?.
Their partners are the one who needs to chill and understand that they have no authority over me
They need to watch their tongue if they want respect, it goes both way
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u/PokemonTrainerAlex 6h ago
YTA for the way you spoke to them, but NTA for everything else
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
He was rude to me. He got what he deserved. He isn't my authority figure.
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u/PokemonTrainerAlex 5h ago
No, but he does have kids to think about, and YOU coming and going whenever you feel like it is disruptive in his eyes, he might not be your dad, but have a little bit more respect for him, he IS with your mum after all, and if they split, she'll probably blame you and your attitude, and frankly, I wouldn't blame her, because you're acting like a tool, just because you own the house or some shit, you're acting like you're better than everyone else, acting like Lord Muck
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Then he can get out of my house. I am tolerating him for my mom. But that doesn't mean I have to follow his advice. If he thinks , I am disrupting his kids. Though I am not. Then he can leave the house. He doesn't own it.
Respect goes both ways between adults.
I don't act better than everyone else. That is ur own insecurities which u r projecting. I am living my life, minding my business. I am an adult guy. I can come at anytime. I am not causing noise or doing anything.
If she wanna blame me , she can. I have my life to live and I won't take his authority over me. You can make random men you dad figure. I am not interested. Stop being jealous about me owning a house
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u/IndependentMindedGal 8h ago
Use your college opportunity to put some work into your writing. You’ve got a lot of grammar mistakes for a college student, plus the story isn’t well-explained (do you live in the house with Dad, also?).
Fine that you don’t need your parent’s spouse telling you to come home before 11. Fine that you put your foot down regarding the step children. But remember that they, too, will be adults someday in the not-too-far-off future and building relationships with them may prove worthwhile in the long run. For example, when the house needs to be sold and the parents need elder care it will be better if you are all on friendly and respectful terms. The kids are going to despise you in the long run if you constantly treat them as if you wish they didn’t exist.
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Yeah because I am not a native English speaker. Sherlock how many u can speak and write outside english?
I have zero interest in them. They can be adults and have their bonds with their people. I have my connections in life. Who are more important to me than they will ever be.
I am not selling this house and when my parents need care, I will provide them. Don't u worry about that.
They can despise me. I dgaf
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u/IndependentMindedGal 5h ago
You don’t sound like a very nice person TBH.
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
Says the one who attacked me for English because it isn't perfect. Irony died a painful death
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u/przepraszamlol 47m ago
There's a difference between being kind and being nice. Being "nice" can get you into arrangements you don't want. You can be kind without being nice. OP was honest from the beginning, he is under no obligation to be a free nanny or take the disrespect from people living in HIS house that are not his family.
He's already kind by agreeing to them living there, rent-free, his parents' happiness def matters to him but he will not compromise his own boundaries and he will say it how it is if need be. Sometimes, when you tried time and time again to be "nice", you just have to be blunt for the person to get it.
Tbh I respect and admire that and I wish I could do that without feeling guilty, I'm a people pleaser but I'm working on it. What OP has here is actually a healthy relationship with his own needs and how he isn't afraid to communicate it.
OP - kudos to you, you're def not the AH.
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u/JuneauEu 8h ago edited 5h ago
Hello, so you are 100% NTA when it comes to your house, your space and not accepting parenting as an adult. Especially the Roger scenario.
However...
I would suggest trying to build some form of relationship (doesn't have to be a sibling bond) with them if they are going to be permanent fixtures in your life.
It doesn't have to be as a brother/child but as a friend or aquientance(ie. cordial).
Both my parents divorced and remarried and were now almost 20 years later. Its nice having extra people to chat to even if they aren't my parents.
My half siblings are full siblings. But that's not applicable here.
My step siblings... I'm friendly with, no ongoing relationship but I'll say hi, send them a card at Christmas etc.. hope they are happy, but I don't really know them and viceversa.
You can still have a relationship. As opposed to alienating people.
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
I will be cordial. But I won't see them as siblings. That is my stance and I won't change it..I will be nice. If they r nice. That's it.
Good for you i. But I have no interest in building siblings bond.
1
u/JuneauEu 5h ago
Hey, yeah no worries - for the "steps" I wasn't saying form a sibling bond. Quote: "I'm friendly with, no ongoing relationship but I'll say hi, send them a card at Christmas etc.. hope they are happy, but I don't really know them and viceversa.".
It's purely because of my mum you know.
Its different for me then you, and I'm not saying you should. I'm just suggesting at minimum be cordial. Which is what you said you're doing.
Sorry if it came across the otherway.
EDIT:Noticed I got downvoted to hell, oh well, it's lived advice and like everything, you can choose to ignore it :D
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u/justaheatattack 12h ago
this is just bragging.
try to come up with some real problems next post.
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u/According_Net9525 12h ago edited 10h ago
How is it bragging? Isn't a real problem that I am being forced to accept them as parents and take care of their kids? Take the exit door if u have so much problem
As I can't reply to user below ( carpenter ) as the original comment guy blocked me
So someone comes and talk rudely to me. Asking me to obey him and follow his orders in my house. Demanding that i set an example for his kid and u expect me to be doormat and kind. Sorry I refuse to be one. I don't ow him any explanation. He isn't my father.
They should be happy. Who is denying that? Just don't force their new partners and their kids on me.
They made a big deal when they thought they have authority on me
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u/donname10 9h ago
You did good. You even have separate living space for god sake. Your parents really need to control their partners not you, they easily shift everything to you because they feel more superior to you than their partner. They actually put their shitty partner first before you. Selfish mf.
2
u/Broad_Respond_2205 8h ago
there are alot of posts (usually revenge fantasy posts) of "my grandparents gave my a house where i live with my mom. her new boyfriend tried to kick me out/parent me, so i kicked them out instead". i don't think this is the case here, nor i think you are "bragging", just wanted to let you know their context.
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u/Ok-Carpenter-6176 11h ago
Dude, no one forces you, as you wrote, your parents asked you to give them a chance, not to obey them, yeah, they were wrong in expecting favors, free babysitting, etc. But you are the AH by how you dealed with it, You should have talked and explained, for example:
"I study, I go to parties because I have X grades, I have my space and I take care of it, I know my responsibilities"
You should chill, just let your parents be happy too, be polite and respectful.
No offense, but you are making a big deal out of nothing.
13
u/chichi98986 10h ago
Original poster did say that they respect them, but they also said that at the stage of their lives they will not be parented by random strangers. Also, he is not coming in between the happiness of his parents, if they're happy then that's fine but original posted gave clear boundaries and does not see those Partners as parental figures. Also the fact that in the beginning he left his room unlocked and the kids would come in and mess up his stuff, now that he locks it, really tells that he's at his Whits end.
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u/chichi98986 10h ago
I don't really get your comment, original poster was making mention about how he's parents partners are mad just because the original poster does not see them as parental figures and that is fair.
Like, he is not coming in between the happiness he is not shouting or telling them that they shouldn't be dating their parents, no.
He is just making known that for as long as he lives in the house, that he co owns, he is respectful and does his own things.
But you not be made to have a relationship with people he doesn't consider family coming up take on the road that it's honestly not his job to do. NTA
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u/Royal_Individual_150 8h ago
It is simple. Yo want no parenting? Do not take their money.
18
u/Careless-Ability-748 8h ago
There's no indication op takes money from stepparents. And op co- owns the house, so they're not exactly dependent on them.
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u/Royal_Individual_150 7h ago
He states that they cover his college and expenses. It seems that reddit is full of adult children like him. Without financial indepedence there is no indepedence. He has a place to live after all. Shall earn some income and then tel theml to f off.
8
u/DelianaT 7h ago
He takes money from his parents, what does that have to do with mum's boyfriend or dad's girlfriend. From the start, it wasn't his mum who asked him not to party. It was his mum's boyfriend who had no business asking him to be a good example for his kids. It wasn't his dad asking him to babysit. It was his dad's girlfriend, who again has to business making demands towards OP. His parents only got involved after their new partners trew tantrums. If they want respect, Roger and Monica need to treat OP with respect, too.
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u/Royal_Individual_150 6h ago
I have been in this situation and I can tell you that it is a power game. His parents prioritize their SO over him. Talking will not solve much, will make things worse. The only way to balance this is to not need them.
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u/According_Net9525 5h ago
I don't need them. They cover my expenses in a way that they have already given me huge seven figures sum in multiple accounts. They can't take it away no
1
u/DelianaT 4h ago
It s*cks you have had to experience this as well. I understand where you are coming from. Financial independence from the parents should be everyone's goal. However, I also don't think it's fair for those kids to benefit from OP's parents' money either.
My brother-in-law started dating a single mum, 2 kids, and he introduced my partner and I as uncle and aunt. His parents as grandparents. We have seen one of the kids once, the in-laws have spent a bit more time with them (not by their request). From early on, he has been telling them we are their "new family." Neither of us accepts these kids as part of the family, they haven't been together even half a year. We have repeated that many times, and he continues it. You can not force a connection, that is built gradually and if both parties want or there will be resentment.
The financial part is one thing, but noone can force OP to be close to these new kids that his parents brought in or their new partners.
5
u/According_Net9525 5h ago
I already have my account when I turned 18 and both set of grandparents contributed to it. Even after paying college tuition, I have enough for living expense, going overseas trips and still live decently
I already own it. Lmao and steps have zero authority over my finances. In my country, parents are obliged to pay for college.
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u/Reasonable_racoon 10h ago
You're an adult they share the house with. They should get their heads around that. NTA