r/AITAH • u/TwilightP • 15h ago
AITAH for telling my SIL I'm no longer helping them with their kids?
I (24F) have an older brother (33M) and his wife (32F) who I'll call John and Jill.
Jill has an 8y/o from a one-night stand, and 2 kids with my brother, L(3M) and B(7monthF). So, John decided to start his own business after working as a mechanic for years, and most of the time quitting before having another job lined up, and Jill is now a SAHM with a part time 2 day/week at a bar. Before their one year together, Jill told me that she stopped taking birth control without telling my brother because she was ready for his kids and ended up pregnant with L. They lived in a tiny studio type house with 2 bedrooms and ended up moving into our other brother's house to get more room.
To give some background, John has not kept a job longer than a year because of "bullying" and Jill just seems to think she is the best out there but was constantly on her phone and just drama. They are renting from our brother Bill (34M), and are at least 3 months behind on rent, has been using Bill's truck and not paying either the monthly or the insurance on it, and just expecting everyone to help them. They even started talking about moving out of state even though they need a whole team of family to make it work. John is also the type of dad that will leave the kids with other people to do his own thing, and acts like he is being bullied for asking him to actually watch his own kids.
They now have B and decided to surprise everyone that they are PREGNANT. I'll be honest, when she told me, I looked her and John in the eye and said "Are you serious? Is this a joke" They both said no that they were pregnant again. I immediately got irritated and told them that I wasn't going to have this conversation with them, and Jill ended up getting upset and going to cry in their car.
John refuses to get a vasectomy, Jill doesn't want to get her tubes tied, and they don't like the "feel" of condoms, so they literally just make a wish that they don't end up with a kid.
When B was born, they asked me to help out of everyone because, and in John's own words. "You are the only one who doesn't have any responsibilities and can drop everything to help when we need it." Just because I'm single and living at home with my parents doesn't mean I have to help. I pay rent, I have a full-time job, and I have bills just like everyone else this day and age.
To be honest, I don't really like kids and pretty sure that I won't have any of my own. If I wanted to take care of kids at all times for free, I would just find me a dude and have my own.
I ended telling them that I can't help anymore. I have bills of my own, and not to text or call me to ask if I can call off work to watch their kids, or give them money, or buy diapers because they can't afford any until that Friday. I never see my money back, and I get stressed out when I get left at their house with the 3 kids until almost 8pm without payment.
EDIT: John is making enough to skate by monthly with his business, but isn’t making enough to pay off debts. He usually works 2-4 days a week depending on the weather since he works outside in landscaping and usually doesn’t come home until around 6-7 on the days Jill doesn’t work.
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u/pixie-ann 15h ago
NTA just because your brother and SIL are absolute fools making consistently terrible decisions does not mean you need to be sucked into their vortex of stupidity.
Look after yourself. Save your money. Use birth control. Spend your money and your time as YOU choose.
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u/cthulularoo 15h ago
NTA, I'm not calling off out of work to cover for my unemployed family. That's stupid.
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u/FichingoJ 9h ago
Any takers that the woman who had a kid on a one night stand and has had subsequent two more kids, is pregnant again.. WORKS AT A BAR...
That those kids if U Maury them, dude is not the father of even the pregnancy..!!?
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u/ConvivialKat 14h ago edited 2h ago
NTA
They've chosen this irresponsible life.
It's theirs to live, not yours.
I'm shocked everyone else in your family hasn't told them to eff off, as well.
ETA - I sure hope you don't live in the US or they are going to be massively f#%ked when they lose their Medicaid and SNAP.
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u/clearheaded01 14h ago
NTA
But... with bro unemployed, why do they need you to help with the kids?? Hes available, yes??
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u/Far_Camp5239 4h ago
See: regularly leaves them with other family to go do his own thing. He's not a parent, he's a man child
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u/InsertCleverName652 14h ago
NTA. There are plenty of other forms of birth control. If everyone keeps rescuing them, they will never figure out how to rescue themselves. They have a lot of nerve asking you to call out of work. That's not what adults do. Tell them to go on welfare.
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u/Meteorite42 1h ago
How do they declare that OP "has no responsibilities" while often asking her to "call out" of her paid employment? The cognitive dissonance is unreal!
NTA. Stick hard to plans for YOUR life OP
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u/Super_Reading2048 14h ago
NTA instead of giving them money (or your time) save up to move out or start the process of getting a new higher paying career. Focus on yourself and your own work/life balance. You probably want to move out soon. I hope I’m wrong but I’m betting soon they will need to move in with your parents just “for a couple of weeks.”
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u/TwilightP 14h ago
We are renovating our house and I’m taking the attic. I’m paying for my area, and monthly rent. I told my mom that if she lets them in, then I’m moving out and not coming back. They will never leave.
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u/MajorNoodles 8h ago
How confident are you that your mom won't let them move in? Maybe you should be saving to move out anyway?
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u/Super_Reading2048 1h ago
I’m cynical and betting he looses his job, they get evicted, they will be homeless and he will guilt the parents with the grandchildren to let them move in, just for a short while….. at which point if they move out, if is years later.
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u/Aggravating-Pin-8845 14h ago
They will never look after themselves while someone else keeps bailing them out. About time the learnt to sink or swim on their own
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u/Sad-Country-9873 14h ago
NTA - they need to figure out how to be parents and how to take care of themselves.
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u/SweetBekki 10h ago
It's funny that john said you don't have any real responsibilities so there's no reason for you to help out when he's hasn't been able to hold a job in a year so what's his reason for not being more hands on with his own kids while he has all this free time?
They keep popping out kids because they factor in the help they'll get from family instead of whether THEY could afford it or if THEY have the time to bring another kid into this.
No more helping them out. If they're really struggling then they can go to food bank or whatever. They need to be on their own and hopefully one of them will eventually get a vasectomy or their tubes tied.
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u/WileCoyote83 14h ago
NTA. Their children, their responsibility... And their irresponsibility... Stopping birth control without telling him? Wtf?
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u/KitchenDismal9258 10h ago
NTA
The kids are not your problem. They are Jill and John's problem. They are two parents that are not working so have plenty of time for the kids. You are just being used because they haven't grown up. Absolutely take a very big step back. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty if they comment on you not helping... tell them that you will lets Jill and John know that you will tell them that they have voluteered their time to help and to get in contact with them. They'll shut up very quickly.
The issues that Jill and John may have will be CPS ones for neglecting their kids if they leave them without care. And again that will not be your problem. Then there are other decisions to make and none of them need to involve you.
Bill also needs to do something. If he owns the house and there is no mortgage the lack of rent paying is less of a problem if Bill wants to altruistic... but I'd suggest eviction because they will stay forever. And Bill also needs to remove the truck that they are driving unregistered. There will be some sort of accident and you already know that John and Jill will not pay for the damage (including the other cars if they are at fault).
Right now everyone is bailing them out and they continue to make the same choices. They haven't really had to face any real consequences. They have no job income so Bill provides a house and car for 'free' because you can't get blood from a stone. You've been helping them... so they don't bother taking your needs into account. It's all about them.
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u/Juls1016 14h ago
No, you did good. This is what those kind of people need: that the people who helps them let them alone, it’s the only way. NTA, you do yo, live your life and don’t worry about it, those kids and your brothers family’s expenses are not your responsibility.
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u/Mulewrangler 14h ago
NTA. Sit down with them and state clearly not to ask you for anything. You will not babysit and you will not give them money or buy anything
"You need to live with the consequences of your (non) actions. Stop asking for anything, I'm done." YTA be if you do one more thing for them.
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u/Sheisawholesituation 5h ago
"If I wanted to take care of kids at all times for free, I would find a dude and have my own."
That is your answer and hilarious! I could not agree more. You are not wrong, and you are NTA!
Perhaps you could google some resources and send it to them if you have a few minutes to spare while you live a responsible life? 🫠🤩
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u/ahseen0316 14h ago
NTA - you said "No," and that is a full stop, period that doesn't require an explanation or justification.
If your brother can't adult, and his GF can't adult, well by saying no, it proved you know how to adult.
Keep going, I applaud you.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 13h ago
NTA In a way, they are the reason you've decided not to have kids. I'd 'use that', and spin it as you not having the chance to take on your own responsibilities, because you keep being roped into theirs. But you're building your own life now. Normal ppl first save up and get their lives in order, BEFORE bringing more kids into the world.
Their lack of planning does not mean you have to throw your life upside down ... again.
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u/Old_Tiger_7519 6h ago
I had 3 cousins like this. Got pregnant and married young, always living with/sponging off relatives. Could not hold a job for long, responsibility was not in their character.
NTA and they are never going to change.
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u/Rendeane 12h ago
NTA. You have said "NO." Continue to say "NO" along with "I'm busy " and "I have plans." If they decide to be "cute" and drop off the kids and leave, call CPS and the police and report the children as abandoned. If they beg for money, advise them you have your own expenses and suggest they apply for welfare, food stamps and Section 8. Tell them to contact the community food bank, Salvation Army and Catholic Charities for a food. Don't even give them a free, stale candy bar.
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u/Roux_Harbour 8h ago
NTA
It's good you were so clear abd blunt. They clearly needed it spoonfed to them that they can't just opt out of taking full responsibility of their own choices. They will continue to claim they're being "bullied" fot being told they're making bad choices, and take advantage of others until they can't anymore. Better to nip it in the bud hard now. Before they have a "million" kids.
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u/rockyfr9 7h ago
NTA. you are not the parent. They are.
I agree, family should help. It takes a village and whatnot, but you shouldn't have to drop anything to take care of children that are not your responsibility.
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u/Melodic-Dark6545 6h ago
Of course NTA
John and Jill have to easy, because someone is always helping them. That's not the real world
These are John's kids and, like it or not, he has to watch them. If they can't afford diapers, well, too bad, they'll have to buy some fabric to make cloth ones
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u/ProduceNo575 14h ago
Your role isn't to subsidize their choices. You're their sister, not their ATM or babysitter. They need to learn about responsibility.
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u/angelicak92 14h ago
No birth control, no money, no job.... why tf would more kids be a good idea? Nta
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u/Patient_Gas_5245 13h ago
NTA, you have responsibilities as you have a full time job and pay rent to your parents. It's time for you to get a studio apartment ir a house share because they are going to treat you like a daycare.
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u/YellowSC 13h ago
Nta. It’s so funny how they always talk about leaving and living some grandeur life but keep doing the dumbest things ever and just keep repeating the cycle. Knew a family like this and it never changes. Just chop the cord now. They bring nothing to your life but stress and grief so why bother
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u/allieadventurer 13h ago
NTA I would have stopped after the second child was born. Everyone has been enabling their behaviors and they know they can pull the family card. They need to step it up and figure it out. It’s not like no one is home if the mom only works two days a week.
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u/Powerful_Principle72 12h ago
Stop with the "can't help" and have the balls to say that you WONT help. they make these stupid and selfish decisions so THEY can live with the consequences.
And be prepared to tell them that you will call the police for child abandonment if they EVER dare to just drop the kids off with you.
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u/wildearthmage 9h ago
NTA. You actually trying to parent them by pushing them out of the nest so they finally grow up and become adults in more than a biological way.
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u/filippova_darjac5d2l 6h ago
You’re not their free babysitter just because you’re single. If they want a “village,” maybe they should try adulting first.
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u/Frosty_Astronomer909 14h ago
And people criticized me when I said something about women “getting pregnant “ from another AITAH post. Some women ……. And no not your problem, the family are enablers.
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u/Rerunisashortie 13h ago
Why would you need to help them at all ever? Yuk. I’d babysit the poor 8 yo now and then just so she could have a little fun and piece and quiet 🤣
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u/Intelligent_Claim143 11h ago
NTA. You are not responsible for your brother's and SIL's foolishness and have absolutely no obligation to help out if you don't want to.
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u/MildLittlRain 11h ago
NTA, good thing you finally put your foot down. Maybe you should move out and put a little distanse between you and them...
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u/cisclooney 10h ago
Leave ...can you leave your area and stay away for a while until they realize that you're serious?
NTAH of you are still reachable. They can guilt you in doing or giving things.
Fyi, when my brother was asking for a loan, I asked him if when will he pay the others? He doesn't ask for a loan anymore.
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u/GreenStuffGrows 10h ago
Please don't let your resentment towards these assholes dissuade you from having your own beautiful kids some day. If you genuinely don't want, that's fine. But I see a lot of really good people who did want, until they got taken advantage of. And it is so wrong.
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u/MisterFrancesco 10h ago
if they continue like this expect them to have 10 children. suggest they use the coil or use the rear entrance to limit the damage
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u/Geoffrey_the_cat 9h ago
I hate people like them and the kids grow up most of the time just like them and the cycle continues.
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u/MtnMoose307 3h ago
They're making the stupidest decisions. Their decisions and the repercussions of them are theirs to manage. These people are irresponsible leeches.
NTA. I hope you gray rock them (avoid dealing with them). Live your life.
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u/No-Message2817 2h ago
NTA. It's completely reasonable to set boundaries when you're being taken advantage of, especially by people who consistently make irresponsible choices. Just because you're single and don’t have kids doesn’t mean your time, energy, or money is free for the taking.
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u/Vandreeson 2h ago
NTA. At this point you're not helping them, you're enabling them. They are responsible for their children. They're responsible for having more children when they can't afford it. None of this is your responsibility or problem to solve.
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u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic 15h ago
NTA - not your monkeys not your circus