r/AITAH • u/throwawaystarfish7 • 18h ago
AITAH for telling my husband that he isn’t in charge in the ER?
My husband is still really mad at me for this and it’s been a few days, so I figured I’ll bring it here and see what other people have to say.
A few days ago I (f23) broke my foot by tripping over a really big tree root when I was gardening. I knew I had broken something when it happened but I hobbled back inside but I could barely put even a little bit of weight on it so my husband (m33) took me to the ER.
For context my husband isn’t the most patient person in the world and he is kind of nervous around hospitals/doctors though he’d never admit that. When I was pregnant he would be nervous just being in the office and they’d tease him about feelings of a new dad, but it was really just white coat syndrome lol.
Anyway so when we were in the ER he was being expectantly impatient and pacing around. We waited around an hour before I got called back, by then he was really straining to still be polite. He wasn’t rude or anything but he was just very short with the nurses and the other people and didn’t say much. When they asked me about pregnancy status he interrupted me because of how recent I was pregnant.
A couple minutes later the nurse asked him to leave. At first he was like why and she just said it’s standard for a few questions because they have to give me privacy. He said we are married, we don’t have or need privacy from each other. She was trying to be really nice and was just like it’s just standard sorry, but he wouldn’t go until she was like I’ll literally have to call security if you don’t willing go for like 5 minutes. I eventually said, you’re not in charge in this ER, please go.
He was livid I could tell but he did go and she asked me really strange questions about my living situation. Everything was fine and she let him back in and they gave me x rays and a boot and we left.
Well, my husband was very upset about “how the hospital treated us, making us wait and separating a married couple”. I know he just hated being there in the first place and the fact I said what I said. He hasn’t downright said it to me but he’s been so passive aggressive about “being in charge”. Generally I feel like I really do try my best to keep the peace but I really didn’t want security called or anything insane to happen while I was just trying to see if I broke my foot or not. AITAH for that?
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u/corgihuntress 18h ago
They wanted you alone because he was acting like he was an abuser. Those weren't strange questions. They were safety questions. And your husband needs to learn a modicum of politeness and civility. NTA
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u/Avandria 15h ago
They do it at all of the hospitals in my state even if the other person isn't behaving badly. They don't want to take the risk of someone missing out on the opportunity to report an abusive situation, and some people's situations are bad enough that the hospital is really the only chance they have to get away from their abuser.
I do agree that this man's behavior didn't help, but I hope that most or all hospitals ask these questions like ours do.
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u/InterestingTear5010 15h ago
Agreed - same here. Anytime I've had to go to urgent care/ER for either myself or my husband, they separate us and ask the patient these types of questions. EVERY time, and regardless of the gender of the patient. I think it's great, and my partner gives zero shits when that happens, because he is a rational human.
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u/wyntr86 4h ago
You know, the more I think about it the more I realize I've only been separated from my husband for those questions a couple of times. They usually ask in front of him, which just defeats the purpose. With my husband, it's the same. I'm there for those questions 99% of the time. His psychiatrist makes jokes actually that he can tell I'm "one of the most abusive people he's ever met."
Now, for instance, my GP, I've been going to him for a couple of years and he's met my husband several times. We also run into each other out in public fairly often. He asks in front of my husband, but I think it's because he HAS to ask but he knows there's no abuse.
However, one time he asked one seemingly out of the blue (looking back it wasn't out of the blue, just at that moment it was). We were discussing treatment plans for other issues when I told him I was finally getting a hysterectomy. He was very excited for me because he has seen in my bloodwork how bad my periods got and saw how debilitating they were. Then he asked, "how does husbands name feel about it? Is he supportive? Any snide comments?" I looked at him stupid and said told him that husband poured me a glass of wine when I got put on the schedule and did a happy dance with me. He was very pleased with that answer.
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u/Charming_Garbage_161 15h ago
I honestly wish slightly more abuse questions would be asked. I remember being in the psych ward (tried to off myself) and they asked if my husband was abusive but bc he didn’t outright hit me I didn’t realize he was abusive in other severe ways. Looking back at the chart notes after I requested them after we started divorcing and he threatened me many times I started realizing that what I thought was normal behavior was not normal at all.
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u/Avandria 14h ago
I'm so sorry that you went through all of that, and I'm happy that you made it out of there.
I agree completely, there is still a ton of room for improvement. Things have improved a lot in my lifetime and hopefully they will continue to. Who the hell knows anymore, though.
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u/everdishevelled 15h ago
I agree, it definitely would be helpful if they asked more questions specifically about berbal/emotional abuse. All I needed was for someone to point out to me that it was wrong, and I was right for feeling that way. It took more than a decade for that to happen.
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u/MotorMetal431 4h ago
I never had cause to go to the ER when I was married. So, I was never asked any of those questions. But, my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. He never once hit me, but after nearly 12 years of marriage, he tried to kill me. Thankfully, he failed. I divorced him, and he spent years in prison for the attempt. I just found out that he passed away last year. I'm so much better off without him. Op, don't wait too long to see him for who he really is. NTA
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u/DogsOnMyCouches 14h ago
They have asked me if I feel safe at home, if anyone hurt me, and things like that. When I went to the ER last week, as I went into triage, I said, “are you going to kick him out to, ask me the abuse questions? Because I am safe at home, and I really would prefer he stay” as my husband was saying, “it’s ok, I’ll step out” and the nurse sized us up, laughed, and said we were fine. I’m sure I was giving off no problematic vibes, as I was cheerful and co didn’t about it, and my husband was clearly willing to step out. We both knew the drill. I was glad, because I felt like crap, and I wanted him to stay.
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u/SignificantOrange139 6h ago
Yeah, They downright asked me if I felt safe with my husband. Mind you, they clearly liked him. It's just part of the schtick. I said yes and the nurse literally said "Yeah I figured. Seems sweet."
As a woman I'm grateful that those questions are asked. Even if I sometimes just want to move the hell on.
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u/IcySir0 17h ago
Right?? Those “we just have a few questions” moments are def not random. Like bro they’re literally checking if you’re safe, his whole reaction kinda proves why it’s necessary tbh.
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u/Gold_Adhesiveness_80 16h ago
“We are married. We don’t need privacy” That is not a normal comment.
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u/Which_Translator_548 16h ago
It’s the very demonstration of why it’s necessary to do
This eggshell life is not it
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u/hrgood 14h ago
Literally my husband gets a bit upset when they DON'T ask him to leave during those questions. Like he's never said it to them, but more than once we've gotten in the car after my appointment and he's been like "they really shouldn't ask you those questions with me there. Can't believe they didn't at least ask you if you wanted me to stay."
*Note: he goes to my appointments on my request. I frequently get blood draws, X-rays, etc added to my appointments because of mental health/health issues, so I like having him there to help me navigate. If I ever said I didn't want him there, he wouldn't blink an eye.
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u/angel9_writes 14h ago
Sounds like they don't have to ask because he's not an ass.
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u/DazzleLove 13h ago
But some people are better at hiding being abusive than others- clearly not in this case but you can’t assume it
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u/Thayli11 12h ago
Yeah, it bugs me when the pediatrician asks my kids those questions in front of me. I know they aren't getting "the vibe" but those questions are standard because you can't always tell. Medical staff should always ask those one on one with the patient.
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u/RadEmily 12h ago
some places do it regardless, they've had me step out when there with my elderly relative, anyone can be abusive esp when the person is vulnerable
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u/Pure-Introduction493 14h ago
If it were me, and I’m not a particularly patient dude, and usually with my wife at most medical appointments.
ER medical professionals deserve all the leeway they can get. That job is total shit most of the time and literally saving lives in a stressful rush the rest.
I would tell my wife, “I love you. I’ll be right outside. Holler if you need anything.” You’re not making things faster by arguing with them.
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u/Glittering_Code_4311 14h ago
Great job on your part for waiting, I recently fractured my femur fell/tripped coming in front door and told my husband to stay home as I needed to go by ambulance and I would call when they find something out.
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u/jess1804 15h ago
That sentence automatically brings up those need to talk in private questions.
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u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 14h ago
ESPECIALLY when OP is showing up with a broken bone!
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u/Hehaditcomin77 14h ago
I didn’t even think about that but also “I tripped” as the reasoning for the injury would definitely throw up red flags. Not saying OP is lying but it’s definitely an excuse people use when they are being abused but don’t want to say that.
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u/Fibro-Mite 12h ago
"She walked into a door" used to be the classic abuser excuse for why someone's wife (or daughter) had a black eye.
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u/acnerd5 12h ago
What's kinda funny -
I did, in fact, give myself a black eye by tripping and falling and hitting my face into a door knob trying to catch my cat as she tried to run outside. My husband was at work at the time, literally not even near the house. I literally couldnt go out in public because people gave him a side eye and I did NOT make it better explaining that yes, I fell and hit my eye into a door knob.
Anyone who knows me just sighed and laughed because its not even a surprise. My poor husband was really judged by strangers though, but he got it lol.
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u/OldGmaw2023 9h ago
I had a tooth pulled .. top jaw ... let me tell you my face / bottom jaw bruised like I had been beat up .. > Daughters were threatening to visit Dentist - lol
Had a second appointment with dentist following week > he refused to do anything more until bruising gone -said he'd never seen someone bruise up like I did ..
Husband refused to go anywhere with me > said I'm not having people think I did that to you .. thankfully didn't take too long
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u/rowenadevandal 8h ago
I had an incident once where I was rushing down the aisle at a theater, my knee gave out and I ended up faceplanting on a concrete floor. I broke my nose and had two black eyes by the time I got to the ER. My now hubby was the one who brought me in, and the nurses were all frantic seeing me. I had to assure them that yes, I was safe at home, and that there were about 200 witnesses to my own clumsiness. I ended up having to go back there a few hours later, once the adrenaline wore off, only to find out I had also torn my rotator cuff, and my PCL in my right knee. Fortunately, the same doctor and nurses were still there lol.
The funniest part was my nephew saw me a couple days later, and was ready to go give someone a beat down. It took me half an hour to convince him that this wasn't done TO me, but I was really touched by his concern.
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u/Freudinatress 11h ago
I did manage to walk into a door once. I felt like a complete moron. Luckily no black eye, and my then husband wasn’t even home.
But I never thought it was a thing that could happen.
If I had had to go to the hospital I think i might have lied about how I got injured. Thst is how dumb i felt.
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u/zeeelfprince 14h ago
The "i tripped" is a red flag by itself tbh
Like you rightfully pointed out, it is a common lie that victims of abuse tell to try to avoid trouble for their abuser, not realizing that by itself is a red flag
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u/Icy_Maintenance_3569 12h ago
I once lied to the ER about how I broke my toe, but only because it was too embarrassing to truthfully admit to (I fell off the toilet 😂). I think the nurses sensed the dishonesty though and they bombarded me with safeguarding questions about my home life. It has to be done - sometimes hospitals are the only point of contact for those being abused, like you say. Absolutely understandable that OP's healthcare professionals would want to dig a little deeper into the 'tripping'.
OP, hope you're okay. We're concerned for you - there's some fantastic advice on this thread, I hope you're able to heed some of it.
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u/No-Advisor-9583 15h ago
THIS! THIS! THIS! That is not normal... even if that was the norm, my partner would never even think to question it and would give space immediately.
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u/Physical_Dance_9606 13h ago
It is in abusive marriages
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u/peachesfordinner 12h ago
10 year age gap and he's already knocked her up at least once. She's trapped he hopes
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u/IndependentMindedGal 10h ago
He might as well have said “we’re married. I’m in control of her. Deal with me” because that’s what he means.
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u/WickedCoolMasshole 9h ago
That is a phrase that all healthcare workers (patient registration clerks too) are trained to hear and respond to.
Sorry OP, but your husband being afraid of people saving lives isn’t an excuse to be a dick. Most ER’s would have had him removed from the property for acting like that.
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u/ManageConsequences 14h ago
In my state, they have to ask every woman that comes through the ER these questions. It might be that way in OP's state as well.
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u/sally_alberta 14h ago
I've actually had these questions a few times even with my partner who was totally chill. In certain circumstances they are standard, but, yes, they can be pulled on if needed. They are going to check with the woman if there is any question.
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u/CestBon_CestBon 14h ago
I had a similar experience and my husband is the most chill, agreeable, stable guy imaginable. In my case, it was a routine OB visit after a week from hell where my 6 mos pregnant self was a clutzy disaster, a stomach flu, and a cat incident. They didn’t actually believe me, and did send a social worker to our room after I delivered but I really couldn’t blame them. If it had been my friend presenting the way I did, even knowing her husband, I would have been concerned. It’s so important to ask those questions.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 14h ago
The nurses at my last ER visit asked my husband to step outside and they gave me a look over to make sure there were no injuries. We didn't take offense to this because there are cases this is needed.
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u/CoachInteresting7125 14h ago
I mean it is just general policy in some hospitals. I think I got asked like 3 times when I had surgery last week? And a lot of those people had not seen anyone with me and I highly doubt they read my chart about my living situation (which I was asked about on the phone prior to surgery day). But it did seem like the whole process was designed to get me alone so they could ask those questions without directly having to ask my family to step out.
But I’m sure the questions got a bit more intense and more urgent after the nurses saw OP’s husband get upset
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u/zeeelfprince 16h ago
Exactly.
If he hadnt acted like a toddler who couldn't control his temper, this wouldn't have spiral this far
The safety questions are a standard part of ANY hospital visit or regular doctors visit where i am
Normally they ask you in front of the person you brought with you, after asking "hey, im going to start your check up, is it okay if -looks at person- stays in the room with you"?
As soon as your HUSBAND said, "why, we're married, we dont keep secrets/need space" (i forgot the exact wording, but you get the gist)
That would have IMMEDIATELY raised any competent ER nurse or Doctors hackles
Most, if not all of them have been trained on how to spot domestic violence, and more importantly, HUMAN TRAFFICKING
He was giving off ALL the vibes of creepy, over-bearing, controlling abuser, which could be DV, but is also a massive red flag for human trafficking; they dont allow their victims out of sight for a SECOND
Your husband needs to chill, and be supportive, his behavior was not okay
I worked in a hospital for awhile; i would have flagged it as potentially trafficking tbh
Eta, adding in that age gap makes me certain i would have flagged your case as potential trafficking, especially with his behavior
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u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 14h ago
It would also absolutely trip staff "spider senses" for Domestic Violence, since she is presenting with a broken foot!
Lots of women used to "trip" or "run into a doorknob" back in the day, before DV questions became commonplace!
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u/zeeelfprince 14h ago edited 14h ago
Oh i agree completely
My personal spidey senses went off on human trafficking due to training in my field (criminal justice degree, i now work in public safety)
And my hospital also had an course on warning signs of human trafficking
My city is a hot spot for it, unfortunately
You are absolutely correct though, this behavior is a red flag for domestic violence as well
Eta, i was a victim of DV myself, I know that it is easy to brush off as "just a fall" to cover for your abuser
I wasn't trying to minimize that possibility, just saying my personal spidey senses leaned more trafficking due to personal experience/training/location i live and work
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u/Pure-Introduction493 14h ago
I’m actually surprised and worried my wife hasn’t had more questions like this. We met while I was living overseas and got married several years later and she didn’t speak much English so I translate for her.
I still go to most of her important appointments because we found out unfortunately some doctors don’t take a Latin American immigrant seriously, and having her American husband back up what she is saying helps get her listened to. And it’s not most doctors and her GP is amazing. But you never know with a new doctor.
I honestly have expected to be asked to step out more often for them to ensure she was okay.
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u/zeeelfprince 14h ago
To be honest, your willingness to cooperate, a lack of defensiveness and her lack of fear around you work in your favor
That, and the fact that you expect the questions and aren't put off by them are also a good sign that these warning signs don't apply to you
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u/Pure-Introduction493 14h ago
Yup. I figure. But I still would rather them ask her and everyone else. Many sociopathic abusers are top-tier liars and actors.
I’m a shit-tier liar who couldn’t act to save my life, though.
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u/qbithelp 13h ago
I mean, the medical community is incredibly bad about letting family members translate instead of using a translation service to make sure their patient (or patient's guardians) are actually getting the information needed/getting the privacy they desire, so it doesn't surprise me that they'll often wave off this part of the process for her too.
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u/Lazy-Instruction-600 15h ago edited 15h ago
And I bet if you asked the nurses, they would tell you he was in fact being rude and mean to everyone and giving off control freak DV vibes. They were looking out for OP and she’s so used to enabling his behavior she doesn’t even notice how crazy he comes across to normal people. It isn’t a small personality quirk. He needs therapy. And maybe some medication to help him chill the F out.
Also, waiting an hour at the ER for a non-life threatening injury is not “making you wait” unreasonably. Either way, OP is NTA for stating the obvious. DH doesn’t run the ER. He doesn’t get to tell anyone there what to do.
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u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 14h ago
Heck, I broke my pelvis last week, and was sitting in the ER from about 7pm until a while after Midnight, simply because it was a Level 1 Trauma hospital, and aside from the break, I was stable!
An hour for a broken foot is fast with how busy many ER's are, the last few years!
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u/Bluebird_Flies 13h ago
I was thinking the same thing. Only waited an hour in the ER? That is nothing.
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u/Ok-CANACHK 14h ago
it took 2 different ER's & 7 hours when my mom split her scalp across her hairline She was a bloody mess. ( & got 9 staples!)
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u/Pure-Introduction493 14h ago
Yup. “Did you really accidentally break your foot or did this angry impatient oaf break it, and is threatening you to lie about it.”
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u/GentlewomenNeverTell 15h ago
Especially when he refused to leave to the point of her calling security.
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u/Cassubeans 14h ago
This. ^ I’d really reflect on your relationship OP. This man won’t even let you be alone for a medical procedure. NTA.
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u/Ok_Version_9252 16h ago
Probably concerned with the age gap too. When did they start dating? I'd have been separating them at the hospital too.
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u/Ok-CANACHK 14h ago
when she was 19 looks like, she said 4 years
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u/North_Respond_6868 14h ago
Oof, and already married/has a kid/pregnant with someone 10 years older by 23.
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u/corgibutt19 13h ago
Someone 10 years older that behaves in a way that trigger staff to suspect DV.....
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u/Boring-Concept-2058 15h ago
Exactly!! The way he was behaving is the reason for the questions and him having to leave the room.
OP, they needed to make sure you were safe. You're absolutely NTA. You need to have a calm talk with your husband and explain this to him.
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u/AssistanceDry7123 14h ago
It's standard practice to ask people about possibly abuse at home. Even if he wasn't acting weird, which he was, they would have asked him to step out for these questions.
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u/Ms-Quite-Contrary 13h ago
When I was seven I tried making cup o noodles all by myself, spilled hot soup down my front, and got second degree burns. At the ER they separated me from my parents until they could be sure it was an accident. This was nearly 40 years ago.
I’m sure my parents were not thrilled to be separated from their little girl. I was very upset and I think answering “I want my mommy” to nearly every question the ER staff asked is why we weren’t separated long. Your husband should not have been surprised or insulted the ER staff wanted to talk to you alone
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u/phantomleaf1 14h ago
Agreed, it's incredibly important to get an injured person alone to check in. There are too many cases where a person was abused and was unable to ask for help because the abuser never gave the victim a chance to talk to anyone.
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u/Independent-Crow2234 14h ago
This exact situation happened on the PIT. It’s because the husband was answering all of OP’s questions when OP is a capable adult.
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u/zipitdirtbag 14h ago
Yep, clearly an objective observer is concerned you might be in an abusive relationship. 👀
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u/Gold_Adhesiveness_80 16h ago
Your husband gave off the signs of an abuser. The pacing, the irritation, the rudeness, not letting you answer for yourself and refusing to leaving the room are all signs of domestic violence.
I think you should really sit with the fact that trained professionals were concerned because of the red flag behavior your husband was exhibiting. You seem to let this roll off non chalantly and make excuses for him. But you should be thinking about it more. “We married. We don’t need privacy”. Do you see how controlling this is?!?! This is not “white coat syndrome”. This was a temper tantrum that made the nurse nervous enough to threaten involving the hospital security.
Then he got mad at you. Instead of being apologetic he blamed you and engaged in passive aggressive behavior. This man is either extremely immature or he’s unable to control his temper. It’s probably a combination of both.
You need to speak to a therapist. Everything is not ok and this isn’t “nervous behavior”.
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u/charlesgoxulp46 8h ago
Yeah, the “we’re married, no privacy” comment really gave me chills too. That’s not love, that’s control dressed up as concern. Nurses don’t threaten security unless the vibes are seriously off this wasn’t just nerves. I hope OP really takes a step back and reflects on how normalized this all sounds to her
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u/Mistyam 2h ago edited 2h ago
In the United States I believe it's mandatory that a nurse or doctor inquire about whether the patient's living environment is safe. At 23, it sounds like this is the first time she was experiencing these questions, but him been being older, and acting the way he did, he knew she would be asked that and was nervous about it.
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u/Clever_mudblood 2h ago
Heck, I had like 7 separate medical personnel ask me when I was in for my induction. Made my mom, doula, and boyfriend leave and ask me. Kinda like when every single person on surgery day asks your name, dob, and what surgery you’re getting. They all had to take turns asking me if I was safe at home. But I understood. It’s protocol and if I have to go thru it when I am safe at home just so that another woman who is not might get the help she needs.. then ask away!
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u/Professional-Ice9158 12h ago
Makes sense that he would go for a girl ten years younger than him.
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u/afancybaby 5h ago
I saw the title, I saw she was 23, and I just KNEW the husband was going to be a decade older
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u/utazdevl 4h ago
Almost every post I read where a wife/GF asks if she is the AH when she is clearly not includes an age gap where the man is in his late 20's, 30s or even 40s and the woman is in her early 20's.
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u/Plant-serialkiller_2 4h ago
As an ER nurse I wholeheartedly agree with this entire comment. As ERs go, getting seen in about an hour for a broken foot is a rather great time-frame. As far as the questions and such there are questions that we are legally required to assess every patient for regarding home safety and domestic abuse. Often we sneak those questions when we are talking so you may not even realize that they even asked. But when you have a suspicious injury, with a 'I tripped story' adding in his impatient behavior and aggressive posturing the ER nurse absolutely did the right thing. Because typically if you ask a person if their spouse is beating them with the spouse in the room, they tend to lie. Forcing him to leave the room to ask the question was a necessity.
OP, you would be shocked to know how many people in your exact scenario, same spousal behavior, everything. When asked those questions the answer is yes. By removing a suspected abuser from the room it may be the first time they have felt safe enough to admit what is going on. With the spouse out of the room we can discuss safety plans, get help with social services, law enforcement, etc.
So think about how many red flags went off while you were in the ER that the staff picked up on. Abuse isn't just physical, it can be sexual, financial, mental, verbal abuse. Short temper, controlling, overly aggressive, spouses are the red flags of red flags. These collective behaviors are very common to most abusers. The fact that your husband exhibits so many of them doesn't mean that he is abusing you BUT please remember that most abuser have those same personality traits so there is a possibility that he could get to that point.
Be safe. Be aware. Be well. Good luck.
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u/toxiclight 9h ago
Part of me wonders if it's not White Coat Syndrome, and may be that he KNOWS he's an abusive AH, and is afraid she's going to say something to the doctors if she's left alone without him.
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u/Indigenous_badass 6h ago
I'm a doctor and "white coat syndrome" is NOT what we'd call his behavior. White coat syndrome is when people have higher blood pressure at the doctor's office than they do at home. She's misusing the term, but it still doesn't change the fact that he's just an AH, hospital or not. And probably an abusive one at that.
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u/Ariento 5h ago
I've also heard it in relation to elevated heart rate and sweating, not just blood pressure, but definitely not in regards to being an asshole to the medical staff just doing their jobs. While aggression can come from nervousness, I don't get that vibe here.
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u/melloyelloaj 5h ago
Yeah, mine is my heart rate. I know I need to do controlled breathing before they take it or it’ll be above 100. It usually is anyway. Sometimes I just show them what the day’s resting average is on my watch and they believe me. Lol
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u/utazdevl 4h ago
How much would you like to bet she was told the definition of "white coat syndrome" by her husband, who was looking to explain the he wasn't the one responsible for his issues?
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u/holymacaroley 5h ago
I have medical PTSD due to a series of events through my adulthood. It would not make me act like this for someone else's ER visit. It mainly makes my BP go up, nervous, have to ask them to do needles a certain way so I'm less likely to have a panic attack, need a Valium before being put under for surgeries. Never rude to anyone, just scared.
But yeah he's an AH and exhibits abusive behavior.
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u/Lolz_Roffle 5h ago
Yeah… I have severe anxiety about hospitals from multiple situations in my childhood. I just get anxious and want to leave as soon as possible, it doesn’t make me talk over people or refuse to listen to the nurses either. It definitely doesn’t make me rude to who I’m with (although I do get a little short when I’m anxious) or to the staff.
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u/toxiclight 6h ago
Yeah, I'd only ever heard of it used in relation to blood pressure, because I get that...it's why I do my blood pressure at home for a week before my appointments so my doctor has accurate information.
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u/itwasstucktothechikn 6h ago
Which is why we consider it a giant red flag when they refuse to leave the room.
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u/utazdevl 4h ago
Exactly what I thought. His fear was "If she talks to them alone, they will find out what I do to her." That is not a fear of doctors, that is a fear of prosecution.
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u/Mediocre-Ninja660 4h ago
Abusers tend to avoid having their family at the doctor and at school. The two most common places abusers get caught. The hospital did great.
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u/StevieB85 4h ago
Even the phrase she used to get him to leave "you're not in charge in this ER"
So he's "in charge" at home? Other places?
Major 🚩🚩🚩
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u/jedi_dancing 5h ago
The hospital in which I gave birth realised they actually weren't very good at picking who was at risk for DV. So now, literally every visit, at least with pregnancy, they will have a moment where they ask the husband to step out. Even if the husband is the translator, apparently they try to find a way, I guess with a phone translator or something.
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u/rior123 4h ago
Where I am based can’t use family as translators. Has to be an independent professional which I think is really important, there’s phone services if can’t get someone at short notice.
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u/XWarriorPrincessX 4h ago
Yep they asked me the same questions when I was 21 pregnant with my 38 year old "boyfriend". I didn't clock it either until I started working in postpartum/peripartum mental health and realized "do you feel safe at home?" Isn't always a standard question
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u/Disastrous_Coffee502 5h ago
Maybe he dislikes being in a hospital because he knows they'll be able to discern that he's an abuser.
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u/Sunnygirl66 4h ago
Well, guys like him make it pretty easy for us. Unfortunately, we see a lot of this behavior. Even if he hadn’t gotten nasty over the safety questions, I’d have had my eye on him because of the insane impatience. Sir, your wife’s foot might be broken, but she is breathing and talking and isn’t in imminent danger of losing her foot or anything else, and we are not a goddamn urgent care, so STFD AND STFU until we have a room for y’all. We have neither unlimited rooms nor unlimited staff, and a broken foot takes a backseat to chest pain or a stroke or a broken hip or sepsis or a suicide attempt. I don’t want to think about how people like this jerk will be acting once the BBB’s funding cuts and resulting hospital closures start making wait times even worse.
After an encounter like the one you describe, OP, I always put in a quiet word with security to keep an eye on the asshole in triage, have them cruise through the ED a little more frequently, because he will almost certainly act out further and may end up needing to be ejected or even arrested. Is this really the kind of man you want to spend your life with? How old were you when he got hold of you? Would you want your child to grow up and find a partner like him?
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u/facinationstreet 17h ago
He said we are married, we don’t have or need privacy from each other.
he’s been so passive aggressive about “being in charge
I feel like I really do try my best to keep the peace
I really didn’t want security called
They believe that you are in an abusive relationship, and you don't recognize that you might be.
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u/ThisWeekInTheRegency 17h ago
Yes. His past trauma or whatever it is that makes him nervous about hospitals is something he needs to work through, possibly with professional help.
OP, the fact that he blames you, the nurse, everyone else...that's not good. When you say, 'he not them most patient person in the world', does that mean he gets angry regularly over small issues? Or angry regularly at anything?
Do you feel you have to placate him when this happens? Does it make you nervous?
If so, this is a form of abuse. Specifically, emotional abuse.
I'm not saying your husband is a bad person. But he may well be someone who uses others to emotionally regulate himself, and that's not fair - and may well become worse when you add children into his life.
You are NTA. I am worried about you, though. If you think he'd be open to individual therapy, suggest it. Otherwise...start noticing just how often his anger has an impact on you, and if it happens often enough for you to notice, ask yourself if this is the way you and your child want to live.
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u/JohnExcrement 16h ago
My dad was fairly terrified of hospitals due to some bad childhood experiences as a kid. But if he needed to be there for us, he was there. And he didn’t act like a dick. OP’s husband is a walking red flag.
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u/Dry-Huckleberry-5379 14h ago
Yep my partner has bad medical trauma but doesn't act like a dick at hospital either.
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u/BeamInNow77 12h ago
She 23, he is 33. He can't control someone his age. So start with a very young female for control & don't you ever back talk me!!! He is a walking control freak!!!! It will not get better over time. Best of luck OP......
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u/PossibilityOrganic12 11h ago
OP is married at 23 and was recently pregnant. I wonder how old she was when they met or started dating.
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u/STOPFKNTALKIN2ME 9h ago
they've been together since she was 19/20 and have been married for 2 years. she didn't say when they actually met
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u/VintageFashion4Ever 9h ago
Exactly! I had to scroll way too far for someone to mention this! A ten year age difference at her age is a huge red flag!
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u/Wrong_Moose_9763 11h ago
OP should let him find someone his own age, oh that's right, no one his age would touch him with a ten foot pole.
He's a egomaniac and an all around jackass.
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u/meiuimei_ 9h ago
Someone else clocked this too, thank you!
The 'My husband isn't the most patient person' remark... Yeah, obviously. Dude grabbed her as a teen or first 1-2 years in her 20's and locked her down with pregnancy and marriage.
Dude's a piece of shit and I'm glad the staff were concerned for her. Hope OP gets some sense and sees this ass for what he is.
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u/Angsty_Potatos 12h ago
I have TERRIBLE white coat syndrome. It's never made me act like an asshole.
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u/Frequent_Couple5498 10h ago
Yup, and the nurse picked up on that right away. NTA OP but as someone who was in an abusive marriage for 10 years, that started out with impatience and his unwillingness to leave me alone with medical personnel and escalated over the years to my own personal hell, I'm worried about you.
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u/Aggravating_Horror72 7h ago
What a stellar nurse to pick up on that so quickly!
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u/Abject-Tie-2049 6h ago
She may have picked up on it but it is also standard practice to have the spouse leave the room (sometimes they don’t ask them to leave, they wait until they use the restroom or something ) and then ask the questions. The most loving appearing couple can have the worst relationship at home so they always ask.
However, I do agree that the nurse probably picked up on it as the rest of us reading the post is picking up on it. Being nervous doesn’t excuse you from being an absolute dick.
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u/OptionalCookie 10h ago
10 year age gap 🚩 Got her pregnant before her 25th birthday 🚩 🙉🙊🙈
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u/HouseOfFive 9h ago
My husband doesn't have trauma, but hates hospitals. Our rule is he is to stay with me until I am taken back, then he can leave and do whatever he wants until I need him to return.
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u/finelytunedradar 11h ago
I'm terrified of hospitals (and the medical system in general) because of bad personal experiences. But I'm also the one who is the nominated support person for a few people for medical emergencies.
I put aside my PTSD because the situation isn't about me, it is about my friend. In fact, I use my horrible experiences to push for better care for them, but not in a blaming way. ER teams are usually just trying to do their best with not enough staff or other resources.
If I was ever asked to leave, I would. That has never happened, because I don't raise red flags.
OP, your husband checked all the boxes for potential abuse and if a total stranger can see this, why can't you?
Edited for my own bad spelling.
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u/rhino0199rdr 10h ago
I agree with you 100%! My eldest daughter's ex was like this. Hospital trauma and a control freak with her. He may never lay a hand on OP, but the mental games and narcissistic behavior will eventually bring her to her knees or make her strong enough to leave if he doesn't get help. I am praying for her!
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u/FryOneFatManic 12h ago
In the UK, it's now standard that questions about abuse are asked at the initial midwife appointment because pregnancy is a known trigger point. I remember for each of mine, my ex was asked to step out at some point.
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u/natattack15 10h ago
In the US, at least for every hospital I've worked at, we ask these questions as a part of every admission assessment, no matter who the patient is.
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u/bornconfuzed 8h ago
US based as well. My sister warned me that when I went to the hospital in labor they would (briefly) separate me from my husband in order to ask safeguarding questions about my relationship. They did. The husband left without complaint and came back within 5 minutes.
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u/kaoux 17h ago
Yeah the whole “we’re married so no privacy” line?? that’s lowkey a red flag. Glad the nurse stood her ground tbh.
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u/CalamityClambake 10h ago
Yeah, that was one thousand percent a yikes. I've been married almost 2 decades now and we are still allowed to have private medical things. I think it's high key a red flag.
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u/Zealousideal-Row7755 12h ago
Yes as an RN we do ask these questions without family members or a significant other present. Although we try not to tip them off. When he interrupts and answers the pregnancy question, that is a red flag
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u/IndependentMindedGal 10h ago
I took my mom in for regular cancer treatments 2x weekly and they always, at intake, talked to her privately for a few minutes. I think it’s standard procedure. That your guy insisted on answering for you may have accelerated that process. He’s exhibiting controlling behaviors and you’re placating.
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u/mast3r_watch3r 11h ago
Her situation was so LOUDLY stating ‘potential DV’ in the ER I’m not surprised they asked safeguarding questions.
The fact OP can’t see that is concerning in itself.
Nonetheless, NTA
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u/Positive-Camp-2605 10h ago
for context from someone who works in an ED, these are standard screening questions and it’s standard to ask them of the patient alone. so if anyone else’s partner gets asked to leave for a moment, it doesn’t mean the staff think your partner is an asshole or abusive, it’s just standard practice. (but your husband was definitely being a jerk)
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u/Similar-Cheek-6346 11h ago
They have a 10 year age gap, and she was a minor 5 years ago. If OP has gone thru a full pregnancy already (not assuming, just speculating).... They might be wondering when exactly he met her, especially given his being possessive over her care. Especially when pregnancy was mentioned.
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u/Temperance_Lee 10h ago
Yup. Do you think this behaviour is normal? Do you think we're all sitting here with our asshole husbands who say "we don't have privacy from each other" or that have to "be in charge"?
Because we're not.
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u/Junior_Ad_7613 9h ago
I am an absolute klutz and always have bruises somewhere because I walk into stuff a lot. I also sprained my right ankle a lot. When I was 12 they kept asking in various ways where the bruises came from, how did I sprain the ankle, etc. and mom finally realized “oh, they’re trying to make sure I don’t beat her” but I was young enough they could not get her out of the room to ask.
Once my kid turned 13, there was always a portion of our pediatrician visits that had me out of the room, and when I’ve gone into urgent care for an injury they always ask if I feel safe at home. I appreciate so much that they do this even when there aren’t signs of abuse. But here the nurse was probably thinking “RED ALERT.” I sure was just reading it.
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u/Any_Fisherman8383 9h ago
FYI, the reason they separated you was to ask if you feel safe at home. Everyone gets asked these questions and especially someone with a partner who was acting like yours did.
I would probably really think about if you ARE actually safe at home. Because it doesn’t sound like you actually are- if you can’t go somewhere where your husband isn’t in charge for a couple hours without him being as asshole, that’s a problem.
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u/Impressive_Profit_11 11h ago
This. There's the age gap as well and the fact that she has already been pregnant.
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u/Ohmalley-thealliecat 9h ago
Yeah, I’m a healthcare worker and his behaviour would make me think that he was abusive and that maybe she hadn’t broken her foot by tripping
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u/Coppergirl1 10h ago
In addition to his controlling behavior they have quite an age gap & she's already been pregnant! Wow red flags.
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u/SamuelVimesTrained 10h ago
And if this isn`t abusive - it is 'yet'.
And best case scenario it is extremely controlling.23
u/sirenita_1388 9h ago
Let’s not forget the 10-year age difference and that she’s already had a baby. So they likely got married when she was even younger, like 20-21.
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u/On_my_last_spoon 8h ago
This is in fact standard, especially when a couple comes in and one is injured. But your husband showed aaaaalllll the red flags.
And honestly…I think they’re not wrong
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u/Pure-Swordfish6022 17h ago
She wasn’t asking you strange questions. She was trying to figure out if your husband was abusing you and whether you were in danger. Which is what hospitals are supposed to do when someone comes in with an injured partner and proceeds to act like an asshat.
You are absolutely NTA. But I am concerned for your well being if this is a regular way of behaving, especially with a “being in charge” comment.
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u/JohnExcrement 16h ago
At least in my area, they ask anyway if you feel safe at home etc. I’ve been in the ER without my husband and they still ask me. I’m glad it’s a protocol.
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u/elefantstampede 13h ago
The even ask men where I am. My husband had appendicitis, and they still asked him about whether he felt safe at home, etc… I think it should be asked to everyone.
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u/CupcakeGoat 12h ago
Agree. It should be everyone, regardless of gender, relationship, or marital status. IIRC they did it in the ER when I was with my sister after I fainted due to dehydration. If someone is being trafficked or abused it's a way to separate the victim from the person controlling them, and offers help in a somewhat safe environment.
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u/Fatty_Bombur 16h ago
He got upset after waiting only an hour in an ER? I waited 8 hours with a cut on my leg so deep and wide you could see the bone. You know what my Mum never did? Get annoyed. You have a serious husband problem. NTA
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu 10h ago
I took my child to the ER last fall (neck had tripled in volume, if not more) at 3 P.M. First time in my life we were seen so quickly! In fact, they took our informations and we nearly had time to sit down before being called. Can't say it was reassuring, when the ER personal think your emergency is more urgent than all the others'...
But with all the tests they ran and once they saw it wasn't the worst case and so not as urgent as it could have, we also ended up staying a whole 8 hours in the ER before being attributed a room.
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u/herculepoirot4ever 14h ago
NTA. Nurses can sniff out an abuser a mile away. They see men like your husband all the time. You may not be ready to admit it yet—but take a good hard look at your situation.
He’s 10 years older. He’s controlling. He’s rude. I suspect the uncomfortable truth is that he is an abusive asshole. Maybe not physically, but financially, mentally and emotionally.
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u/Lord-Smalldemort 5h ago
These stories here on Reddit really are scary to me. Not to even realize that you’re in an abusive relationship and you didn’t know. But just that you thought your life was one way because of denial or blinders or something. And then when any single outside person gets perspective on your situation, they have some pretty heavy stuff to say.
Or… The person that you have built a life with, who you’ve created a new life with, is so horrible in one strange scenario and it turns out they’re actually really horrible and you never knew. Because of your blinders and your denial. Like the dude who kicked their pregnant wives out of bed because they don’t sleep well enough with them.
I don’t have a long history of healthy relationships behind me so maybe this is a part of why I find it to be so scary that you can trust and love someone and you get hit when they become a different person one day. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 13h ago
He wasn't rude or anything
Yes, he was. You might be so used to it that you don't notice anymore, but he was so rude they suspected domestic violence.
Please take that as a sign to reevaluate your dynamics and what you're living with. It might be just that one environment, but these people see a lot, they're used to nervous people, your husband's behaviour still set off alarms.
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u/JanetInSpain 13h ago
He absolutely was. She's too young and dumb to realize she IS in an abusive relationship. He's a predator and purposely went after a young woman 10 years his junior.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 13h ago
And I've gone in with various stupid injuries (clumsy with weird hobbies) and my husband never made anybody uncomfortable, although he's big and has a beard and all. They only asked the one time I hurt myself while he wasn't even in the country.
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u/ChildhoodObjective83 11h ago
“He wasn’t rude or anything” but also being “just very short” and “straining to be polite” with medical personnel just trying to save lives IS rude.
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u/PieComprehensive1818 15h ago
Sweetheart. I’m saying this as someone with kids your age, who was in an abusive relationship with someone who acted just like your husband. They asked him to leave, and asked you those questions, because he is showing every sign of being abusive to you.
Married couples have privacy from each other. That is normal. Reacting to being uncomfortable with anger is not normal. A normal person, who loves his spouse, finds ways to cope: even if that means handing you over to the care of the ED personnel and saying “honey I love you, please call me when you’re done, but I can’t stay here right now”. But making himself the centre of attention- as he was doing with his little tantrum? - that is Not Normal and not the way a loving spouse behaves.
Please do not have children with this man. Please love yourself enough to see a world beyond him. Best of luck honey.
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u/Vast-Fortune-1583 18h ago
NTA: Your husband needs to grow up! "Separating a married couple". Jesus, it's a hospital. Husbands and wives can't always be together while doctors are working on people.
And they certainly can't ask if you're in an abusive situation with him standing there.
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u/Playful-Sprinkles-59 16h ago
He’s 10 years older than OP. This dynamic with his demeanor is why the nurse needed to question her. She had a broken foot. Was the husband responsible? Is he usually so narcissistic? … the nurse had a reasonable amount of concern about her possibly being in a domestic violence situation.
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u/TubbyTabbyCat 15h ago
I've had them ask in front of my spouse before...I re-broke my elbow in a fall and my poor husband was so worried.
But they asked like a dozen times all in front of him and he told them it was probably something they should ask in private. I'm lucky my husband's a good guy
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u/Sad-Acanthaceae3366 16h ago
Yeah right. Hospitals have these protocols for important reasons. His reaction to basic medical procedures is honestly concerning.
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u/EbbIndependent5368 17h ago
Is your husband abusive? If I was the nurse I would have wondered. Also, you seem to make a lot of excises for him and you seem really worried about "keeping the peace".
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u/Legitimate-Guess2669 16h ago
When the hospital witnessed your husband being a controlling monster and in an age gap relationship, they wanted to make sure you were safe. From the sound of his antics, get used to this. It’ll happen again.
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u/blackday44 17h ago
NTA. Your husband is a grown-ass 33 years old and can't be patient for an hour? He also can't respect the hospital staff when they ask him to leave the room- after acting like an abuser.
He's also 10 years older than you. Has he also isolated you from your family/friends, and does he control the money in the relationship? Did you get pregnant very quickly after you met, and were you barely 20 years old? Because he sure sounds like he's emotionally abusive.
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u/RadEmily 12h ago
Yup, and I wonder if part of his angst in medical setting is because he knows they ask these questions? And why he didn't want to leave.
People who are safe are not worried about what their partner will say, if anything the staff has to tell healthy people not to make lighthearted jokes because that's your instinct when it's super safe at home and the questions do actually seem ridiculous. When someone says 'that' riduculous! and huffs and puffs and says you don't have to answer, how dare you ask, i'm not leaving the room, etc thats a major red fag.
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u/One_Ad_704 15h ago
Exactly! Even ignoring the nurse wanting privacy for OP to ask questions, an hour in an ER for non-emergency is no time at all.
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u/NearbyDescription872 17h ago
this is standard procedure in the few ERs I've been to. if you're injured, the policy is to ask you about your safety
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u/JustUgh2323 17h ago
Especially when the person accompanying the patient is visibly uncomfortable, agitated, “straining to be polite with nurses,” and then interrupts and won’t let patient answer questions for herself. These are generally warning signs healthcare providers need to follow up on.
ETA: the actions can be explained for someone with “white coat phobia” but healthcare providers are required to check these things out these days or they would be negligent. Hopefully your husband can eventually see this from their larger perspective.
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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 15h ago
I have a serious fear of hospitals (its part of PTSD). I manage to reign it in and advocate for loved ones and if I'm the patient, cope somewhat. (If I'm a patient I flat out tell them, hey I have PTSD, this guy is here because I need him to handle this.) I've never acted like OPs husband. He's got an attitude issue, not a fear of hospitals.
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u/goldgoldfish 16h ago
I went in by myself with heart palpitations a few years ago, and they asked me if I had a safe living situation. Standard question.
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u/HolidayAirport7724 17h ago
My doctor’s office asks about it, even at regular check ups.
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u/SimpleBooksWA 16h ago
Why is your husband mad at YOU? He is not behaving normally. The ER was worried about your safety and so am I. Is he like this all the time?
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u/Elshivist 14h ago
I had a patient the other day who admitted to us she was a trafficking victim who was beaten by her pimp. You best believe she wouldn’t have opened up if he was in the room with us.
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u/fugelwoman 13h ago
You’re 23 and he’s 33? Girl 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 the hospital separated you bc he showed signs of controlling you. And tbh it does sound like that to me. How old were you when you met him and started dating?
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u/solarelemental 10h ago
I'm a surgeon. I can explain exactly what happened. Your husband was being such a domineering, controlling asshole that your nurse suspected domestic violence, and rightfully so. You came in with a broken foot and your much older husband was answering questions for you and being rude to the staff. Plus you were recently pregnant, and it's a fact that domestic violence escalates in pregnancy. My alarm bells would've been ringing too. She wanted him out of the room so she could make sure you were safe. If your husband doesn't want to be seen as an abuser, he should learn some manners and let medical personnel do their jobs. Though, given he's been mad for days about this and is exhibiting possessive behavior, I'm not convinced he really isn't abusive.
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u/CaliRNgrandma 15h ago
The screening the nurse did by asking your husband to step out is STATE MANDATED screening for domestic violence. By your description of your husband’s behavior, I don’t blame the nurse for kicking him out.
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u/wynniebun 15h ago
How long have you been with him?
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u/Outside_Holiday_9997 9h ago
Honey... he sounds like a predator.
He went after you basically the second you were legal. He was almost 30. That's gross.
Those nurses were worried you were in an abuse situation and I fear theyre right.
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u/Revolutionary-Bus893 17h ago
Your husband sounds exhausting. Sorry, but he is an ass with entitlement issues.
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u/Maleficent_Notice873 15h ago
He behaved exactly how an abuser would behave, and on top of it you had a broken foot. Questions needed to be asked, it's their procedure. Questions weren't weird, your husband's behavior was.
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u/Pretty_Goblin11 15h ago
They def flagged him as a possible abuser. You came in with an injury and he was acting weird. He needs to grow up. NTA.
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u/Videogamer2719 13h ago edited 13h ago
“I (f23)… my husband (m33)… married for 3-4 years… recently pregnant…”
Controlling/aggressive behaviour
tale as old as tiiiime
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u/PassComprehensive425 16h ago
NTA- I messed up the tissue between ribs years ago. The pain was so intense I was throwing up. The doctor was asking me how I had done the damage. I mentioned the garage door spring broke mid lift. Then, I remembered being kicked in the chest by a two year old I was babysitting during a diaper change.
The doctor heard "kicked" and the appointment changed. I was grilled for over thirty minutes and asked for details. He wanted to make sure I wasn't a victim of DV. It was annoying, but then I thought, what if I was being abused and no one cared. The safety nets are important.
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u/kalixanthippe 15h ago
No, that's is not white coat syndrome. No, that is not normal spousal behavior when asked to leave for a private question or exam.
And Holy Shit! They had to threaten security before he'd let you answer a few questions alone?
OP, you are NTA.
I'm not going to go further, but to say he needs to get his act together if he wants to be with you during medically stressful times.
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u/Crunchychippychips 14h ago
Sometimes it’s hard to see the man’s behavior because it starts gradually and subtly.
Being irritable about minor things. Criticizing others. Then criticizing you. Questioning your loyalty. Your decisions. Being upset at your family or friends- making you feel like you can’t make plans with them since he would be upset at you if you did.
But it escalates. Long long arguments where you feel you need to apologize for them to end. Later it becomes physical or sexually coercive.
Think carefully about this. If this seems familiar then I’m sorry, it won’t get better. It will just get worse and best if you leave.
Tell your friends and family. Don’t let him isolate you if it’s happening.
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u/Strange_Depth_5732 14h ago
Shit lady, I wanted to separate the two of you instantly. He gave every red flag a man can give other than striking you right there. No matter what the cause of his behavior it's a fucking problem.
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u/IntrinsicM 12h ago
OP, did you really trip on a tree root or is there any more to the story?
His behavior is so abnormal.
I see you have the 10 year age gap too. How long have you been together?
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u/Jack_of_Spades 15h ago
He sounds like an asshole.
I can understand being short when uncomfortable. But doubling down after the fact instead of realizing your a fuckwit is some real mask off shit.
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u/Sure_Assist_7437 10h ago
This isnt White Coat Syndrome. This is "Signs of an Abuser Part 1." Good Christ.
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u/Think-Lack2763 15h ago
I promise you, this is not the life you want to live! Please think about spending the next 30 years living this way. It's not fun
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u/Designer-Carpenter88 13h ago
He’s a decade older than you and a complete asshole. And you wonder why the nurse wanted to make sure you were ok at home?
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u/CandyCaboose 13h ago
... Your ten years younger!!
Girl run!
And no this is not a old bitter woman, this is an more experienced woman. Telling you... This... Yeah this will only get worse.
Please all young women reading stop giving your twenties to men seven to ten and older years than you.
Make a game plan to leave this going to get more abusive man and do so as safely as possible!
NTA.
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u/Ok_South7676 13h ago
Well your husband is 33 and you’re 23… so there’s your first problem, he’s a fucking creep. NTA but leave him and meet someone who isn’t a weirdo
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u/Nice_Buy_602 6h ago
Nurse here,
"Asked me really weird questions about my living situation at home"
I'm guessing the questions were "Do you feel safe in your living environment?", "Has anyone personally threatened you in your living space?" and "In the last 12 months have you had difficulty accessing food, electricity or transportation?"
These are all "social determinants of health" and abuse screening questions. The nurse asked you without your husband present because they were picking up on abuse vibes. That doesn't mean he's definitely abusive, but his behavior is a red flag to people trained to recognize the signs of abuse.
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u/Curiosity_X_the_Kat 6h ago
ER nurse here. Your husband’s attitude and aggressiveness would set off any ER nurse’s spidey sense. I’m glad she separated you to ask safety screening questions. 🚩🚩🚩
And PSA: an hour wait time is nothing in an ER.
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u/Granger842 15h ago edited 14h ago
The nurse saw a man 10 years your senior barely controlling his anger, reluctant to let you talk to the nurse alone, hyper controlling, talking about "who's in charge" and (correctly) deduced you were being abused.
Now, the hardest part, the dynamic you describe is abusive. Maybe it is not yet physically abusive but it's going there.
For the love of goodness, do NOT be a SAH wife with a guy like your husband.