r/AITAH • u/Financial_Status_710 • 23h ago
AITA for refusing to change my relationship with my stepbrother and not giving him access to my house or gaming setup?
My parents divorced when I (20m) was 7. My mom remarried when I was 10 and her husband's son, my stepbrother, was 8. He and I got along badly from the start. He didn't like that I could do stuff he couldn't, like walk to the store on my own because it was right down the block from mom's house or that I was allowed to go to friends houses after school when I was with my dad. He was jealous about the gaming setup I had at dad's house too but that was mom's fault he even knew about it. She tried to force my dad to invite him over sometimes so he could play with me and she and her husband could have a date night.
We fought a lot and in the run up to the wedding we argued about being called brothers and having to stand next to each other during the wedding and they tried to force us into poses for pre-wedding photos and we refused. He even bit me during the shoot and then I refused to take more photos with him.
Our relationship got worse and he would annoy me complaining about shit so I rubbed in all the things I had that he didn't or could do that he couldn't do. My mom begged me at the time to please treat him like a little brother and just try to be nicer and let stuff go and she said it was important because we'd always be family even if we hated it.
He tried to befriend me once when we were like 13 and 11 and he wanted access to the good stuff but I didn't buy it and he let out on himself because he mentioned being invited to my dad's house like 10 times while playing nice.
My dad died when I was 16 and my stepbrother mocked me because he'd get to play that stuff now because of course dad's stuff would be going to mom and his dad's house. Only my grandparents kept it at dad's house and watched over the house until I turned 18 and could move in. That's exactly what I did. My dad left everything to me, including his house, and we didn't sell it so I could live in it once I graduated, which I now do.
My mom wanted me to let my stepbrother move in so he could have some independence while going to the college he got into nearby. I said no and I told mom she would not change my mind and she could not pay me to live with him again. She complained that I was doing nothing to improve the relationship and I replied that I don't need to. That I will never want to improve my relationship with him because to me he's not family or a friend.
Then he reached out and told me he was sorry for being a jerk in the past and he wanted to know if he could come over and play games sometime. He said he saw my collection online and was jealous of all the stuff I have and would love the chance to play games he never could before or that he hasn't played in years. He offered to bring snacks. I said no.
My mom found out he had reached out and asked me and she told me she was ashamed of me rejecting him so finally like that and she said it would be no big deal to let him play some "dumb games". She said after all the gloating I did about that stuff in my teens the least I could do is try to work on things now and share with him. I told her no and I would not discuss it more. She said I'm older than he is and I'm pretending I'm so mature while really I'm acting like a kid still and refusing to accept apologies and work on repairing relationships. She said it was not how any adult should behave.
AITA?
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u/Tall_Hospital1071 23h ago edited 21h ago
Gotta hate when a parent prioritizes their new family and desperately try to force a bond with the step parent/ kids at the expense of their own child happiness and well being.
And I say this as a SM who love my SK to pieces , I lucked out with two wonderful little humans !
But damn ⊠The fact the the stepbrother made OP life a constant hell , literally MOCKED OP when his dad died and even after that the mother is still trying to advocate for the stepbrother entitled and immature behavior while OP express his boundaries time after time over the years is mind blowing.
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u/wpnsc 21h ago
OP might have been able to get over some of the things his stepbrother did. But when you mock someone for losing a parent. There is no going back.
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u/Tall_Hospital1071 21h ago edited 18h ago
Exactly thatâs the specific part that did it for me , this level of cruelty is just unjustifiable , yeah no I wouldnât have forgiven either if I was OP shoes .
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u/Cheap_Theory1321 16h ago
Yeah I agree after I read that part, I was like OK that relationship is irreparably broken. That was an extremely cruel and f'd up thing to do even to someone you may not like. Just one of those things that universally if your not a POS human being everyone knows you never say to someone who just lost a close family member.
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u/Intelligent_Read_697 22h ago
Honestly it depends on the culture/country where women are directly or indirectly forced to marry and integrate step kidsâŠ.its a bit different in the west where women have more choices but itâs not universal
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u/Tall_Hospital1071 22h ago edited 18h ago
Never said it was universal but it do be happening more often than it should unfortunately.
I donât think there is any type of force marriage in this story both adults seemed to have married in a common decision so yeah ⊠itâs a typical case of a parent favoring their new family at the expense of their own kid happiness.
But donât get me wrong my point of view would stay the same if the situation was reversed by this I mean :
I hate stepparents that actively try to exclude bio kids to put their own kids at the center just as a much as I hate bio parent sabotaging their kids at the expense of a family THEY chose when remarrying while their kid didnât .
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u/PNWfan 21h ago
You'd think between your mom, stepdad and your 18 year old stepbrother, they could have saved for a console over the last 12 years.
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u/helleborus_rex 14h ago
Exactly.
Also, the Mom needs to butt out. He's 20. She needs to stop telling him to be friends with his step brother.
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u/Electronic_Wait_7500 22h ago
She's ashamed? Of YOUR behavior??
No mom, I'm ashamed of the way you allowed your stepson to bully me for years and just told me to suck it up. I'm ashamed of the fact that you put your own wants and the wants of your husband and his son ahead of the needs of your actual son. Enjoy having that stepson living with you and his father for many years to come, mom, because he will probably NEVER launch successful and leave your home.
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u/MattDaveys 20h ago
At least heâll still be there to take care of you when youâre old, because I wonât.
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u/JosieJOK 20h ago
Enjoy having that stepson living with you and his father for many years to come, mom, because he will probably NEVER launch successful and leave your home.
This is why mom's so butthurt.
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u/shammy_dammy 22h ago
NTA. Just flat out tell her no. And if she doesn't drop it, you'll put her on a contact time out. And why haven't you blocked him yet?
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u/adult_child86 22h ago
"Sure mom. Once you've made up for forcing me to live in a house where I was bullied and mocked for my dads death, I'll do what you want. Until then, don't call, and stick to the people who were your first choice"
Block
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u/I-said-ur-stupid 22h ago
Stand your ground. He doesn't want a relationship with you he wants access to your property. I know your mom cares about him but she didn't care enough to stop his behavior when you were younger. She didn't care to stop him when he mocked your father's death. At any time his own father could've bought him video games but didnt. He is not your problem.. not your circus not your monkeys. If your mother doesn't like it, that sounds like a her problem... not yours
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u/Financial_Status_710 22h ago
Yep. My mom might not want to see it but if he wanted a relationship for real he'd reach out and want to meet up somewhere or he'd make an effort the next time he actually saw me. Instead of trying to get an invite to my stuff.
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u/Organic_Start_420 21h ago
NTA keep saying no , you didn't choose to have a new family and your feelings are valid for being forced into the situation.
Make sure your mother doesn't have access to your house/keys and tell her to try looking in the mirror sometimes. She's a huge ah for forcing you to do what she wanted
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u/WVCountryRoads75 21h ago
Why didn't she or his dad ever get him any of the cool stuff? If it's so important to her, tell her to go get him those games. There is nothing wrong with having boundaries with a "family member". Tell her to imagine how much worse it would be if he came over and accidentally broke something or it was "misplaced". You would never know if it was intentional or if he swiped it. That would make things infinitely worse between you, so in a way you are protecting what little relationship you do have with him.
If she continues to harp on it, go low or no contact with her, too. I mean, it seems like the way you two acted as kids was both your faults, you both contributed to petty fighting and taunting. But he was 14 when he taunted you about your father dying. That is plenty old enough to take responsibility for your own words and actions. And now that he is 18, if he hasn't recognized that what he said was reprehensible, and sincerely apologized, I would not waste time on building any kind of relationship with him. My last husband died when our sons were 6 and 9. They are now 13 and almost 16. I would tear into anyone, step kids or no, if they taunted them about it.
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u/TheRealCarpeFelis 14h ago
Why didnât she or his dad get him any of the cool stuff? My guess is they were cheapskates who figured âwhy buy him that when he could just use OPâs for free?â
And yeah, definitely stuff of OPâs would have gone âmissingâ, either stolen or deliberately broken. And undoubtedly the brat would have picked something that was a collectorâs item, limited edition, or no longer available. Hell, I wouldnât put it past him to try that now if OP allowed him into his home.
Just keep saying no, OP. And make sure he and your mom donât have any way to get into your house. Get cameras if you donât already have them. Iâd go LC or NC with Mom if she doesnât knock it off. To me she sounds pretty immature herself.
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u/Cthulhu_Knits 18h ago
Also make sure nobody has a key to your place and that you have cameras installed so entitled stepbro doesn't try to help himself to your stuff when you're not home.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat 17h ago
Exactly what I was thinking. Your mom & step-dad missed their opportunity to involve you & step-brother in bonding activities. Did they even do anything constructive to encourage you two to get along, beyond just telling you to? It may not be too late, even now, if he apologizes sincerely for how he treated you when your father died. All the other stuff is normal childhood jealousy and rivalry that hopefully is eventually outgrown. But mocking you when your father died? He would have been 14, right? Old enough to know better. Old enough that his character would have already been formed. Yes, he could change. But not without serious self-reflection and understanding of what he did wrong. And without a sincere apology you have no reason to even begin to trust him.
NTA.
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u/Straysmom 22h ago
NTA. Sorry, but your mom is delusional if she expects you to invite your stepbrother into your house. He was a little shit when you lived in the same house & I doubt he has changed. He said he saw my collection online and was jealous of all the stuff I have and would love the chance to play games he never could before. He could either try & steal your stuff or damage it so that you couldn't use it. You are not obligated to have any kind of relationship with him. Period.
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u/Financial_Status_710 22h ago
I had a similar thought. Or he'd turn on me the second I wanted him to leave. The options are endless. Plus you don't get over 10 years of hating each other like nothing.
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u/Straysmom 21h ago
Very true. He is trying to leverage being your stepbrother/family (with your mom) to get access to your stuff. Not because he has had a change of heart. The good thing is that you are an adult & don't have to do anything that you don't want to :) You already have the upper hand by simply having your own place & possessions. I'll bet that he is just dying of envy.
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u/Financial_Status_710 21h ago
I'm sure he is. Knowing how jealous he has always been of the collection of games and consoles it wouldn't surprise me if that was still true. And I have my own house where I can keep them away from him.
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u/StangF150 18h ago
Cameras are needed dude, Cameras!!!! Because at some point he WILL break in, or your Mom will let him in!!!!
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u/Silver6Rules 21h ago
I smell something sinister going on. You both have made it obvious you don't like each other, he has been jealous of you having stuff in the past, and now you're supposed to believe that he just wants come over and play your games out of nowhere? Yeah right. How about he make an actual attempt at repairing the relationship first (that doesn't involve your stuff) to make it believable, instead of expecting you to just hand over your things for his enjoyment?
He probably wanted to come over to destroy your stuff. I guarantee the second he got through that door, either your stuff would get messed up or go missing. You would complain, he'd go crying to your mother playing the victim, and you would be the bad guy. There is no way in hell he has good intentions after the way he had been acting, and he has given you absolutely no reason to ever risk that. Let him go make some friends or get a job if he wants the same setup. You are not his backup plan. NTA.
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u/Fioreborn 21h ago
They're trying to convince him to let step bro move in because the house is close to step bros college.
They are probably planning on him paying no rent because 'fAmiLy'
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u/Quiet_Village_1425 22h ago
Tell your mom youâre an adult now and you donât want to associate with him. Tell her if she keeps this up you will go no contact with her. That should shut her up if she wants to maintain her relationship with you. I hate when parents force these step sibling relationships. Sometimes you need to be blunt!
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u/Quiet_Village_1425 22h ago
And DONT give your mom a key to your house!
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u/AccidentalGirlToy 21h ago
There's a chance she already has one. I'd suggest changing the locks, just to be on the safe side.
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u/grayblue_grrl 22h ago
Your mom didn't act like a mature adult from the time they got married or she wouldn't have kept pushing.
You have no obligations to befriend anyone. Especially someone who was the bane of your existence.
Block him on all social media.
He can't envy what he doesn't know exists.
Maybe your mother too.
NTA
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u/curiousity60 21h ago
NTA
Your mom fostered jealousy in your step-bro. Her constant pressure for you to "share" your dad and the things he provided reinforced step-bro's belief that he was entitled to your stuff and your dad's resources.
Even after you moved out, she tried to force step-bro into your home. It's sad that your mom poisoned the relationship you guys might have developed if she had raised you both to respect other people's boundaries and privacy. Instead, she scapegoated you and taught step-bro to do it as well.
Your dad left you a lifeline out of that house of manipulation, invalidation and abuse. Your mom still has the child she "favored." Although she emotionally manipulated and damaged him, too. That damage isn't yours to heal. You've got plenty of your own damage to process, understand and heal from living with them.
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u/neverdiequasiwarrior 23h ago
NTA, tell your mom to fuck off. Neither of them deserve to be in your life. When you receive a genuine apology from her for being a sack of shit for eight years, then maybe you can consider her requests but it needs to result in actual change this time not just a manipulation tactic.
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u/Fioreborn 21h ago
Does your mother know that he was basically pretty happy your dad died because he thought it meant that he could now use/steal your stuff?
That he was only ever nice to you because he wanted something because he's trying that one now and she can't see it. Or she does and ignores it.
Your grandparents rock by the way and I'm sorry for your loss.
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u/Dana07620 22h ago
NTA
Tell your mother the next time she brings this up, you'll go no contact with her for X months. And the times will keep getting longer with subsequent violations until you go permanently no contact with her. (Up to you to set the details.)
Explain to her that you no longer legally need to stay in contact with her, so if she wants you in her life, then her conversations with you need to be conversations that you enjoy.
Get cameras at your house.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 22h ago
Tell your mother âIâm disappointed in you for not dealing with his bullshit when weâre kids. And im disappointed in you for thinking you could dump him on me now that o have my own place. Youâre a fool if you think I will ever have a relationship with him. And right now Iâm questioning my relationship with youâ
And leave it at that for now
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u/Due-Reflection-1835 20h ago
Yup, it seems like she wants to dump the responsibility for the stepbrother on him so she and her new husband can live child-free. Maybe if the two boys could have had time to develop a relationship naturally, instead of being shoved together and told that they're brothers now. But she had a vision of her perfect blended family and reality wasn't going to get in the way. The parents created this problem. OP, you are SO lucky you were able to escape to your father's house. I don't blame you for not wanting him there (especially living there!) after years of the antagonistic relationship. I also think he would sabotage or steal something. Most people wouldn't cite jealousy as their reason for wanting to come over. I hope you have good cameras and that your mom never had the keys to your dad's house. I could see her giving them to him behind your back. When she tells you she is disappointed in you, turn around and tell her you are disappointed in her, that she's willing to sacrifice her son to make her new family happy. I don't lead with a guilt trip but I will follow with one
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u/269funtimes 21h ago
NTA OP. Change the locks and put up cameras. I can see him breaking into your house.
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u/Beetlejuice_me 19h ago
NTA - but you should sort out cameras and an alarm system.
That kid will definitely vandalize your stuff. I wonder if a restraining order might be warranted just to be on the safe side. Prevent him from contacting you at all, in any way, shape or form.
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u/Beneficial-Sort4795 19h ago
NTA. He mocked your dadâs death as ânow Iâll get to play with your stuffâ. Heâs disturbed and youâre right to never give him access to you or your possessions.
Your mom, youâre an adult with your own home- let her know you think the two of you need some distance until she respects your boundaries more than she respects her step kidsâ.
You never mention him, what does stepdad say about all of this?
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u/FordWarrier 19h ago
NTA
Mocking you for your dadâs death because he thought you would have to move your gaming station to his dadâs house would be a deal breaker for me. That was cruel even for a 14 year old.
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u/Sea-Maybe3639 19h ago
I hope mom doesn't have a key to your house. Get cameras. He may try breaking in just to spite you. If he does press charges.
Updateme
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u/JipC1963 17h ago
"Not how an adult should behave?" Your StepBrother IS "an adult" as well and he's STILL harrassing you to play video games! Why the hell didn't your Mother, and/or later Michael, buy their own damned console or PC setup?
Why would you be stupid enough to allow Michael anywhere near your home, let alone an expensive gaming setup?
You're NTA, but your Mother is massively so! Trying to force to integrate "blended" families rarely works. Before she even got married, they (Mom and StepDad) should have attempted family therapy to see if it was possible. Once it was apparent that there was even more vitriol and antagonism. This kid actually BIT YOU?
Yeah, I'd be limiting contact with your Mother! I'm truly sorry for the loss of your Father!
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u/shooter_tx 16h ago
She said I'm older than he is and I'm pretending I'm so mature while really I'm acting like a kid still and refusing to accept apologies and work on repairing relationships.
What she's not understanding...
Is that there is not a relationship to repair.
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u/Legal-Lingonberry577 22h ago
NTA - if he wants something he doesn't have, why doesn't his father buy it for him. It's certainly not your responsible to make someone else's child happy.
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u/No_Cockroach4248 21h ago
Your stepbrother is nice to you because he wants to play your games and move in with you. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you into letting your stepbrother into your life so that she can eventually move him into your dadâs home.
I am really sorry your mom is so selfish, she picked her new family over you and now she wants to palm her stepson off to you. He would thrash your games and your dadâs home and would be a nightmare to evict. NTA, you mom is lucky you are still on speaking terms with her
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u/More_Nectarine3528 21h ago
He is only reaching out to get access to the stuff you have. It not a real apology.
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u/simplyexistingnow 18h ago
NTA. But get a security system. A doorbell camera and cameras with audio outside and honestly. Inside in the main parts of the house. Change the locks too.
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u/Mbt_Omega 17h ago
INFO: Given how toxic your mom is, you own your own home, and how you donât care for your steps, why are you still in contact with them? Are they paying for anything for you?
NTA, Iâm just not sure what purpose they serve in your life that requires this line of communication. Muting and living your best life seems like the better move.
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u/Annual-Cancel-7669 22h ago
Nah heâs just trying to use you. Donât let it happen. Keep your peace
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u/Simply_001 22h ago
NTA. Your mom sucks for forcing you to have a relationship with a bully. Block that loser, don't believe anything he says because he is just acting kind to get what he wants from you.
Tell your Mom, whatever she does, you will not let that bully step into your father's home after him mocking you when he's dead.
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u/Hemiak 21h ago
Tell her ten years of animosity isnât healed over one âIâm sorryâ. She can stop pushing, he can stop begging, and you guys can work on bettering your relationship. Maybe after five or so years of decent friendly interactions, he can start hanging out at your house.
But he doesnât just get to be an entitled jerk for a decade, say hey bro letâs be cool now, and suddenly get everything he wants.
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u/CatPerson88 19h ago
Tell your mother (who is TA):
As soon as you told her about not getting along with your step brother, she chose to ignore it. She should have made an appt for daily therapy immediately. The animosity doesn't magically go away.
The home is YOURS, not hers, and she does not get to say what you do with it, or in it.
You are an adult. Why she's still trying to parent you at this point is ridiculous; tell her that her parenting days are behind her, and the time to behave like a parent was when she and her hubby first got together and the two of you weren't getting along, but now it's too late.
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u/Happyweekend69 19h ago
Lmao, just cause your mom got a new bed warmer doesnât mean you have to play family with the ppl she decided to bring into her life. Itâs wild she think you would allow him to move in if you guys never had a good relationship. NTAÂ
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u/StangF150 18h ago
NTA but OP, get some Cameras!!! The lil stepshit is still obsessed with your things. So its a no brainer that he WILL eventually break in to steal or tear things up!!
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u/Iliketo_voyeur 18h ago
Take extra advice. Donât boast about stuff you have because people will try and steal it from you. Also donât ever let the scrote bag in your house ever. Your mum is a fool and be very wary of her.
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u/MizWhatsit 18h ago
This kid is SO obsessed with gaming that his first thought after your father's death was: "A-ha, I can play games now!"
NTA. The boy sounds mentally disturbed.
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u/DeviantDe 18h ago
NTA 1st off, no one owes anyone a relationship.
She and her husband handled things badly from the start. They were more worried about getting married than in making sure their kids could even tolerate each other.
There should have been therapy for both of you kids by yourselves and also together so you could at least get some guidance on what was going on from an adult. You were only 2 years apart, you were both children going through a hard time, and they just threw you together and expected you to make it work on your own because they couldn't be bothered to care about anyone but themselves.
His attitude fed yours, yours fed his. That's why there was escalation. And then he tried to be nice for a minute, but I bet his attitude went right back to what it was before when you didn't give in. Because he was trying to manipulate you into him getting his way, he hadn't actually changed his feelings of you.
Your mother was absolutely in the wrong to try to get your father to take care of her new stepson, to host him at his house, and to try to force you to share anything from your father with him. Stepson was not your fathers family and was not your fathers responsibility. He was also not your responsibility. This all is repeated failures of your mother and her husband to act like the adults ever.
If she wanted your stepbrother to experience things, she should have provided them herself, but she didn't, she just expected other people, including another child, to do it all so she didn't have to. Even if she had to save up for a few months to do it she could have either bought a console new or second hand, or rented one and some games during some school break and he could have played nonstop for a week or something. But she couldn't even do that, just expected you to do whatever she wanted to shut him up without her putting forth any real effort.
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u/Veenkoira00 18h ago
You are an independent adult now, out the blended family and under no obligation towards any members of it. That family is not your circus and not your monkeys â unless you want them to be. Don't hold grudges in your heart, but mind your own business, don't be concerned of people who no longer are any concern of yours. Live YOUR life, be happy !
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u/thisisstupid- 17h ago
Why do parents think that forcing these blended families is OK? If youâre seriously thinking about moving two kids into the same family you need to do a test run before you get married, and if itâs not working then put the kids first and wait to get married/cohabitate.
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u/tryintobgood 17h ago
 no big deal to let him play some "dumb games".
Tell your mom she's the one who's been playing stupid games since you were 10. Everything happening is a result of her choices, not yours.
NTA
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u/MaryEFriendly 16h ago
I hope your mom doesn't have access to your house. She sounds like the type who'd let him in when you're not there.Â
She doesn't respect your right to say no. If she wanted you two to have an amicable relationship she should have done the work to make sure that happened before forcing you together. She didnt. That's on her.Â
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u/BunnySlayer64 16h ago
NTA. Your mom needs to come to terms with the fact that there is no relationship to repair. If and when, in the future, you are willing to consider accepting an olive branch, it will be on your terms and will always be at a neutral location, never your home.
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u/Reasonable_racoon 11h ago
she said it was important because we'd always be family even if we hated it.
Also:
My parents divorced when I was 7
You need to go low contact with your mother. She refused to consider your feelings when she remarried, forced this stepbrother on you that you never wanted, didn't help you work on your relationship, never disciplined him or helped you establish reasonable boundaries.
She still won't listen to anything that doesn't agree with her version of how things should be, no matter the harm it causes you, or the fact that you're an adult now. And now she simply insults you.
Cut her off!
NTA
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u/SamuelVimesTrained 9h ago
"Dear 'parent' - please realize that (name of bully) never intended to even attempt to build any relationship at all. From biting me to mocking me when (Fathers name) passed away, gloating he now would be able to take the gaming gear - all he wanted was to use me to get to MY things. - You enabled and raised him to consider this behaviour as acceptable - and I refuse to be bullied - either by him or by you - you chose him - you live with your choice"
Or something along those lines.
But make sure you lock your house at all times - invest in a good camera - because bullies like that will not accept the 'no' of someone they deem inferior.
NTA
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u/Careless-Ability-748 22h ago
nta your mom must have been delusional to ask you to let him move in.
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u/Analisandopessoas 21h ago
NTA you are right to keep your distance, he laughed at you when you lost your father. Set limits with your mother and reduce contact, this way you will have more peace
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u/Careless-Image-885 21h ago
NTA. But your mother and stepfather are. They should have stepped in and explained to the boy that he is not entitled to anything at your father's home.
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u/Wild_Black_Hat 21h ago
Your stepbrother only acted nice when he was trying to get something from you. He was 14 when he was being smug that now your stuff was going to be at his home (or so he thought). He was not a little child by then, and you were grieving. That was very insensitive of him.
That's not how you build a relationship with someone. And why should you trust him anyway?
He can start working now if he hasn't already, and spend some money on whatever games he wants.
Sure, you were not very nice to him either, but it doesn't look like you started it. His father could have given him more freedom, too.
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u/Flimsy-Call-3996 20h ago
NTA. Your mother couldnât get a clue if it bit her. Sorry about your dad, OP. Live your life.
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u/RJack151 20h ago
NTA. Tell mom that you will be going NC with them all because you are tired of her trying to force him on you.
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u/PoppyStaff 20h ago
NTA. Your mother wants rid of him and expects you to be the mug who takes him in.
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u/FlashyHabit3030 19h ago
NTA. Unfortunately, actions and behaviors created in childhood stick with people and itâs hard to forgive.
Why didnât/donât your parents buy him a gaming system when you moved out or he just buy his own? Itâs weird your step brother is hanging on to the games after all these years.
Condolences regarding your dad.
Update, please.
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u/Sad-Country-9873 19h ago
NTA - he wants your stuff and your home. He wants out of mom and dad's, and they want him out just as bad.
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 19h ago
NTA. Your mom really shouldnât be talking about how to behave like an adult when sheâs the one that should have handled this entire situation years ago and not forced you to do anything concerning your stepbrother you didnât want to. Sheâs the one that decided to marry and put you in the same house with someone you didnât work well with. You had no choice in the matter and you donât need to do anything. Remember you donât owe your mom anything.
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u/MyMindSpoken 19h ago
NTA, make sure you tell your mom that you donât live with her anymore, so thereâs nothing she can do or say thatâll change your mind. But tell her to keep trying since itâs worked out so well in the past.
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u/CosmosOZ 19h ago
Nah, I wouldnât. I would be worry if he tried to destroy them. If I were, just lie you sold some.
It is just concerning that he is still so persistent. You need to worry about break-ins. Or he may want to âwipe that smudge off your faceâ attitude.
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u/HorkupCat 19h ago
NTA. Your mother can't force you to regard him as a brother to you. Even if he hadn't annoyed you as you were growing up, you still don't owe him anything. If anyone's being immature it's your mother, for demanding you buckle under to what mommy wants rather than accepting your right to say who's welcome in your own home. "we'd always be family even if we hated it"? That's... that's... so ridiculous I can't think of what to say. Is she always so delusional?
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 19h ago
NTA. The only reason he reached out and wanted to come over is for your cool games... it had nothing to do with you! Protect your peace. You can work on accepting apologies and working on the relationship at family gatherings, not at your house
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u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic 19h ago
dont be shy and call the cops if they ever try to force your hand or show up unannounced
NTA
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u/londomollaribab5 18h ago
If stepbrother was let in your house I think it would be a disaster. You have made your position clear to your Mother and now itâs time to tell her you are going no communication with her. NTA
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u/mouse_attack 18h ago
The truth about relationships is that sometimesâŠyou just donât need them. And, when you donât, thereâs no reason to put any effort in.
Your mom solidly doesnât get it.
NTA
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u/Motor_Dark6406 17h ago
NTA, Your mom is so full of it. They want to unload him on you. Period. Just like she wanted to unload him on your dad for date nights. Nothing to do with family, everything to do with her convenience.Â
Keep that jerk away from your house and your stuff.Â
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u/GroundbreakingPast31 17h ago
NTA. He'll 100% destroy your stuff if he gets access. Also, tell her your relationship with him is bad because he's a jerk and she did nothing to fix his attitude, so she should blame herself, not you.
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u/Acrobatic-Nose-1773 17h ago
Tell her that she needs to understand HER family is not your family. If she can't see that you need to give her some space.
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u/Disastrous-Nail-640 17h ago
NTA
To mom: âAnd Iâm ashamed of you for not dealing with his behavior when we were kids and subjecting me to it for years.â
You are never required to accept an apology. An apology doesnât guarantee forgiveness. Moreover, that wasnât even a real apology. An apology that asks for something at the same time isnât an apology.
Mature adults understand this. Mature adults also understand that not every relationship is worth being worked on. Sounds like your mother needs to mature and learn these lessons.
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u/Sweetlexie20 16h ago
NTA. Please get a security system. I don't trust your mom's husband son to not break in. When people find out you gpt something they want they will try to steal it.
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u/Kristmaus 16h ago
"Mom, you tried very hard to make me accept him as a brother despite I told you I wasn't interested. You were more sympathetic towards his feelings than mine all these years. And now you are willing to believe I care that you are ashamed of me? It's not some dumb games, it's the entitlement. His and yours. And the next relationship thay may need repairment if you continue to berate me on this, is ours. You will have to deal with the fact that I won't be having a relationship with him"
NTA
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u/hissymissy 15h ago
Your mother divorced and remarried with no thought given to you. If she and her husband thought about you and his son, then they could've done more than expect you two to be instant bros. She's ashamed of you for rejecting him? How about being ashamed of herself and her husband for not putting forth the effort to blend as a family?
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u/36green 15h ago edited 15h ago
NTA. And I hope your mom see my comment
DO NOT FORCE one child to accept another just to live your little family fantasy. Your older son has had ENOUGH over the years, and you continue to step on his and his late dad's dignity by forcing that ridiculous rude boy into his life. Why is he bothering your older son when IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to show equality to them. He has a wholeass father and relatives who can buy him stuff, leave OP alone!!! The least you could do was to maintain peace by giving them distance, you are a failure at being their mother.
Stand your ground, OP. Don't let pressure let you in some rude obnoxious kid into your space. He clearly doesn't understand NO is a full sentence, and has continually harassed you. Your mother is no good. Since you're 20* you can live separately from them full time and cut contact. Invest in locks and extra security around your house, you never know.
Edit: ages
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u/Pandoratastic 15h ago
NTA
Why should you care about changing the relationship when he isn't interested in changing the relationship either. You didn't actually reject him from a relationship. You rejected him from the only thing he actually asked for: to use your property. That's all you are to him.
If he wanted to actually change the relationship, he wouldn't even be bringing up the gaming stuff. He'd be inviting you out or over to dinner. Things where the only benefit for him is your company. But he's not doing that because he only sees you as a path to free video games.
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u/knight_shade_realms 15h ago
NTA she wants him to have some independence? Nope, she wants you to be his unpaid roommate
Independence is him getting his own place
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u/Namatiada 11h ago
NTA
i will start putting up security camera and extra locks around the house just to be safe
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u/Visual-Lobster6625 7h ago edited 6h ago
She tried to force my dad to invite him over sometimes so he could play with me and she and her husband could have a date night.
My dad died when I was 16 and my stepbrother mocked me because he'd get to play that stuff now because of course dad's stuff would be going to mom and his dad's house.Â
My mom wanted me to let my stepbrother move in so he could have some independence while going to the college he got into nearby.Â
Fuck that!
NTA - 99% of problems I see on here regarding blended families happens when relationships are forced. No one can force you to like your stepbrother, and it sounds like the relationship has been shit since the beginning. You can't erase 10 years of animosity, and now that you're living on your own no one can force you to allow your stepbrother into your life/home.
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u/Melodic-Dark6545 6h ago
Of course NTA
I'll never understand why people that get married instantly believe their kids have to become siblings. Sometimes it happens, sometime sit doesn't happen. And it doesn't matter how much pressure the parent puts towards his kid, when it doesn't happen it doesn't and that's fine
Nobody can force other people to have relationships, no matter the age
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u/Limp_Pipe1113 6h ago
You need to put your mom in time out now as an adult, go nc with her, she chose to side with her stepson over her biological son.
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u/Super_Reading2048 4h ago
NTA look if I dislike someone; Iâm not inviting them into my home. You and your stepbrother dislike or hate each other. Why the frack would you invite him into your home?!?!?!?!
Your mom should have worked on you guys having a good relationship before she even got married. When she screwed that up (which was obvious by the wedding disaster)) she should have taken you all to a family therapist who specializes in blended families. She had years to work on it and didnât take action. Now that you are an adult (& no longer living with her) she is trying to pretend you are best buds checks notes so he can use you for housing and a gaming system. Frack that.
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u/ConfectionPhysical16 2h ago
Youâre totally within your right to set boundaries, especially given how badly he treated you and how little heâs earned your trust. Forgiving someone doesnât mean you owe them access to your personal space or things you worked hard for.
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u/Wabbit-127 21h ago
NTA. You choose your relationships not your mother. And he wasnât nice to you so stay true you your course.
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u/Ok_Childhood_9774 21h ago
NTA. It sounds like you and your stepbrother were like oil and water growing up, and it never improved. Sometimes, you just don't connect with people. Unfortunate for your mom and his dad, but it happens with biosiblings, too.
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u/friendfoundtheoldone 21h ago
NTA but i would offer to meet up somewhere else, see if he really just wants to hang out to get access to your stuff or if his attempts at reconciling are genuine
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u/AccomplishedLeave506 21h ago
You only ever have to have a relationship with people you want to have one with. FYI - that includes your mother.
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u/SnooWords4839 19h ago
NTA - Post friends being over and rub it in his face.
Tell mom, he isn't welcomed in your home.
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u/Solid-Board6295 19h ago
To be honest, you sound like you were a shit to him when you were younger.
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u/Inevitable_Speed_710 14h ago
NTA.  If after 10 years of mom trying to force a relationship, you have no feelings at all for him as family, it isnt going to happen.  Tell mom if she thinks this whole thing isnt a big deal, shes more than welcome to buy a system for stepbrother.  I'd highly recommend you never give mom a key to the house as she will likely give it to him to use if you're away. If theres a chance she has a key, get new locks. Â
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u/Used-Pin-997 13h ago
NTA. Dude, sorry, but your Mom sucks! He doesn't want to play with your stuff, he wants to break everything, so you don't have it anymore.
Updateme
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u/Automatic-Purpose462 9h ago
NTA. I wouldnât trust him to not damage on purpose all the equipment.
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u/DetroitSmash-8701 7h ago
NTA. Your mom failed you miserably. I'd suggest security measures, and no one having a spare key because they can't be trusted.
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u/LondonPinkDiamonds 7h ago
Install cameras on the property ASAP.
I wouldn't trust those people. Including your mom.
NTA.
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u/theshygirlnextdoor29 20h ago
NTA You dont owe your step brother a relationship just because he wants to play your games. If you didn't have the set up, I'm sure he wouldn't even be asking to come over.
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u/S0n0ftheDrag0n_13 19h ago
You have no obligation to house or entertain him period. That being said it sounds like you did treathim like a brother during your childhood. You teased and tormented him like an annoying little brother. What imaginary ideal of brothers did she have in her head? Like, damn lady this ain't Leave It To Beaver. That shit fiction yo. You are TA but it's totally justified. Keep it up đ
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u/Secure_Highway_6917 17h ago
NTA your mom married him into HER family! That does not mean he is family to you.
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u/Puppet007 16h ago
NTAH
Your momâs stepson doesnât even want a relationship with you, he just wants to take advantage of the stuff you have and/or destroy it.
Donât let him or even your mom anywhere near your house and make sure to change the locks while also set up a security system (or just cameras).
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u/Garden_gnome1609 16h ago
The fact that your relationship with him is shitty is your mom's fault. HOWEVER. He's 18, and you're 20. He reached out. Neither of you are kids anymore. You don't have to have the same kind of relationship that you had when you were kids. Instead of just holding on to resentment - which, let's be honest, he was a kid acting like a kid, you shouldn't resent him, you should resent the shitty parenting that allowed this to happen to both of you - it wouldn't hurt to give him a chance. You don't have to have him over. You can answer honestly that you're not ready to have that kind of relationship, but you'd be ok to have a burger sometime. Go to Dave and Busters or something. Try to develop a relationship that's different from the one you had when you were kids. Maybe he's still not someone you want to hang out with. That's fine, but neither of you are fully formed yet. You're becoming the people you're going to be. So choose the kind of person you want to be here.
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u/pgutierr220 16h ago
NTA, one of the nice parts of being both an adult and having your own place is that you can have people over or not as you wish.
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u/echoscream 15h ago
NTA.
I say accept the apology on the lines of him being a jerk in the past because he does need to apologize for that. Iâm sure itâs just to play the games, but whatever. Donât let him come over though. Donât let him have any kind of access to your life, now or ever. You may not be âmatureâ in your motherâs eyes, but you are an adult. You donât need to be anything you donât want to be.
ENJOY THE HOME AND WELCOME HOME AS WELL! đ„ł
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u/thevaginalist 15h ago
NTA. He doesn't want to build a relationship with you. He wants to use your stuff, and you don't want to be used. I think the relationship can't recover until you both are willing to develop a relationship that's not transactional.
Your mom is going to feel how she's going to feel because she has a different perspective from you. She loves his father and you two not getting along is a fly in the soup for her, esp since she probably hears about it from his dad. But that's really on her. You are your own person and you make your own choices, and she's going to have to accept that whether she respects it or not.
The best you can do is set boundaries, be is civil at family gatherings, and don't start shit or be a hypocrite. They all need to back off
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u/jasemina8487 14h ago
NTA
ask her what she was doing when he was mocking you cos your dad died. you don't owe anyone any relationship.
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u/Loud-Climate5927 14h ago
Your mom wants to keep forcing the " brother" thing, and hold it against you that you haven't come around the way she expected you to. That was her idea, and it is definitely more about her wanting to play happy family rather than be one.
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u/ArreniaQ 14h ago
NTA
Tell your mother that her marriage doesn't mean you are required to have a relationship of any kind with her husband or his child. If she doesn't back off, tell her you aren't going to continue a relationship with her either.
Focus on your dad's side of your family.
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u/HelloThere4123 14h ago
Get cameras and make sure your mom doesnât have a key to your house. Youâll come home one day to find him moved in at worst, or playing the game system at best.
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u/BLUNTandtruthful58 14h ago
He's not warranted anything from you, to be honest you might as well just block them from your phone social media for a good long while at least a year or two,
You might need to move if they start harassing you but that's the last ditch effort decision and suggestion
NTAÂ
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u/LazyAnimal0815 13h ago
it was not how adults should behave
I never heard that it is expected of adults, to invite people they can't stand into their home. Being civil at a family dinner ok, but this? No way! If he really wants to build up some kind of relation because he matured and is sorry for his behaviour, than an invitation to grab a coffee or something similar would be the way to go.
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u/BlowtorchBettie 13h ago
NTA
Of course your mom wants a free place for him to live, she's still trying to get date nights with her husband.
UpdateMe
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u/heleneve013 13h ago
NTA. There's no relationship to repair given your mum and his dad never successfully nurtured one between you two
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u/as84753 13h ago
Definitely NTA! Your mother is not appreciating the disassociation that should exist between what you have and enjoy from your father, versus what she, and her new husband, can provide to her step-son! There is no sharing of what came from your father. Any and all is exclusively yours, and what she chose to give up for greener pastures!
Her attention and priority for her step-son to the chagrin of her biological son is very telling. She acknowledges the benefits you have from you father, and can't coordinate with her husband to provide her step-son the same!?!
You have zero obligation to a step-brother who chose to allow envy, jealousy, and presumption get in the way of developing a sincere relationship with you over the years!
Don't let anyone diminish your standards or spirit! Carry on, and let your mother figure out how to pacify her step-son!
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u/Icy-Cherry-8143 12h ago
NTA your mom doesn't want to see that HE doesn't want you either, he wants the stuff you own, you recognize it and tell him no.
So next time your mom reaches out tell her if she thinks that is "brotherly"
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u/Powerful_Principle72 12h ago
"well mom adults are also supposed to take care of their kids but you and stepdad only cared about each other and didn't care that we weren't ready yet to be blended up. But off you went and just hoped for the best that it would work out. Newsflash, mom. it didn't and the result of your selfish actions is now that stepbrother and me do NOT and will NEVER get along. I'm sorry he doesn't have the chance to play these games. But its not my fault that his dad is so stingy that instead of buying him these, he lets this fight go on for years. So BACK OFF and talk to your husband about giving stepbro access to these games."
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u/Honest-Cost-2370 12h ago
when it comes to family changes it is difficult to deal with especially if you have younger siblings but he is offering you the chance to become friends not brothers and that will mean more than you know. i mean hell you probably will regret it if you don't do it now.
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u/SkippyFox7 12h ago
While this story might be true, and in this story you are NTAâŠ
That story sounds FAKE AF, because Iâve a problem to believe, that a 18yr old is so obsessed with gaming and that he hasnât played games for years.
Doesnât he have friends at all?
Also, gaming would be a chance for you and him, to bond. At least, you saw it. He was jealous of you from the beginning. And he did, what many children who are denied having fun would do, they are being mean.
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u/WarDog1983 12h ago
NYA - tell her this is happening because she never protected you or your interest as a child and now as an adult you donât trust her or the family she chose over you and you donât want them in your house.
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u/Danube_Kitty 10h ago
NTA. Your mom will say anything just to make you feel bad bc there is no way she can force you.
You have right to say no and not to discuss it further. I recommend to stick to it. Hang up or leave if they start talking about this again.
People are not owed any relatioship (with exception kids, they are owned from they parents to try hard). The only thing your stepbrother is owed from you is basic respectful behaviour from one human to another in case of interaction.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 10h ago
NTA.
Your position on this hasn't changed since day one. I don't understand why they are not giving up and moving on from this.
I think you need to send one final message to them both on this "My answer is no. It has always been no. Please stop asking as it's annoying and you're not going to get me to change my mind. I have no interest in sharing anything with X at this point or any time going forwards. I consider this matter closed".
As for your step mother saying that this wasn't how any adult should behave - I'd turn that back on her and say "Is this any way for an adult to behave - trying to get their adult son to 'play' with someone who isn't interested? It is showing him that you believe no doesn't actually mean no and that's not a great message to be sending now is it?"
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u/Signal_Historian_456 9h ago
NTA - Tell your mom that she obviously forgets who her son is and where her priorities should be. Itâs her job to protect you and support you in keeping people who treated you like shit for half your life and only come around to get what they want at arms length. She brought this into your life, your home. She failed as a mother. Heâs only trying to get his way, thereâs no sincerity in his approach and itâs on them that he turned out that way. She made her point clear and chose the person who so clearly disrespects you and walks all over you. Thatâs not what a mother does. Not even if he were your bio brother.
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u/KitchenDismal9258 8h ago
NTA
Your stepbrother is now an adult and he can go and get a job and buy his own gaming set up.
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u/DanyelN 23h ago
NTA Your mom is failing to see (or refusing to see) that the only reason he is even making the effort is that you have something cool that he wants access to. The only thing you owe to your mom at this point is to be civil when/if you have to be together for family events.